*trigger warning* child abuse, offender release looming

[Superlost]

Hi, I've dithered about posting or not for weeks so if you're reading this I've finally managed it. Sorry it may be long.

In 21 days my daughter's abuser will be let out of prison after half his sentence. We have been liaising with our VLO and were asked for things we would like considered for the time he is on licence.

We asked that he be excluded from our postcode (we live in it, dd goes to school in it) and the one we're on the border of (work is there, parents home, local park, other family) but have been told he has requested to be allowed into the border postcode to visit parents. We've still asked for that to not be allowed, they can visit him elsewhere.

The problem, is that his parents are my parents. I asked them if they would even allow him there because if they wouldn't, he'd have no reason to come into the area and we'd most likely get the exclusion approved. But they would like him to be able to visit them. They know it's selfish. I don't even know how to explain how I feel about that - I did explain to them, to make sure our feelings were understood and could be properly considered, that if he were ever there I couldn't be and couldn't bring the kids there with dd wondering where he sat or if he was looking at her photos on the walls or what cup he drank from (maybe that's just projecting what I would be thinking, I don't know). That changed nothing.

I feel like this is the last straw and I have to cut contact with them now, but they're so "nice" I feel like I'm the one who's out of order like I'd be punishing them for just not understanding enough. But I can't see how they can have contact with us both. I already don't like giving them updates on the kids anymore because I feel like they'll talk about us and I don't want him knowing ANYTHING about us.

I just feel...drastic. I have a great job, kids in decent schools, and love our house to bits, but I would move to the opposite end of the country in a heartbeat to get away from all this. I'm dreading the next few weeks and the random crying and feeling like it's the end of the world has started creeping back in. It's like it consumes my days. I'm not bothered about him, as long as we never see him again that's enough for me. What I'm dreading is the fallout with my parents and why that feels so difficult. And how could his "human rights" (to be allowed to visit parents) possibly be considered more important than those of my daughter, for ONE more measly year.

I don't know if I'm asking anything or just ranting, I just don't understand anything right now. Dh and I can talk but he "gave up" on my parents some time ago and doesn't get why I haven't - to be honest I don't get it either, but it hurts.

Plus telling our daughter that's how her grandparents feel about things... I feel like they could've helped, for her, but refuse to and instead just sit and wait to see how things pan out because that way they've not taken sides either way. I'm sure that will hurt her. Right now she just wants things to be as they were before this happened, and to be able to visit them whenever she likes, but she knows none of this yet and I suspect it will change her mind.

I really feel for you op. I would prioritise my daughter over my parents, however painful that is. Your parents are doing the classic thing of putting the abuser first. This is astonishingly common. We have a similar but less serious situation in our family. Where an a n abusive person has been prioritised. In our case although it involves some terrible behaviour it doesn’t involve actual physical sexual abuse of a child. The dynamic of supporting the abuser at the expense of the abused is well known. It has caused huge problems for us and your situation is so much worse. In your place I would tell my parents how hurt I was by their behaviour, suggest they have family counselling, and go for no contact until they could put their grandchild before her abuser. So sorry for you op

Couldn't read without replying, even though I have no experience of your situation. I appreciate this must be an impossible situation for you and you daughter And also for your parents. They don't want to let go of their son, so if I were in your position I'd keep your daughter well away from them and their son, she needs you and like you say I would worry about what they were telling him about your family and how that would hinder you all in moving forward, wish you luck with all of it xxx

Thanks everyone, I knew it was the right thing to do and will do anything for my daughter's sake - hard to see in black and white. I wanted to come back sooner but got stupid nails done with dd and typing on my phone is near impossible (keyboard not much better) so kept messing up replies and posting.

CircleofWillis we are no contact as part of the licence and 10 year court order so repentant or not I can't and wouldn't contact him. Our VLO has made the request to reconsider his position but has made it clear we may not know for definite until literally the day before release.

OnTheRise there has been no unsupervised contact since it happened, couldn't bear to be apart from her at first but even recently, contact has been extremely low and supervised. I don't think they would mention it to her at all but I know the temptation would be there and I wouldn't risk that.

SeaCabbage thank you - I just know it will hurt dd so much, I'm dreading it.

Lizzie48 I'm sorry, having had to carry that into adulthood and still have that outcome is awful. I get what you're saying though - the periods without contact are fuss free, but contact stirs up a lot of negative things. How can she even talk to you about him, she very clearly doesn't understand

messofajess I wish I could revel in it! I just feel physically sick instead, I feel like I'm the one in the wrong - parents are parents, children aren't meant to do this. But parents aren't meant to do that, so I guess we're even.

SchadenfreudePersonified this is what I thought too The abused individual is ALWAYS the one whose feelings should be considered first and foremost because we only get one year to have any say in it at all, then he can go anywhere he wants. He could camp out at the end of our road if he liked, move back in with them even - we just want one year of knowing our little area of the world is safe.
I'm not alone, I have dh, he has been avidly against my parents from the first court date they went to for him. I'm the one that's the let down for not being strong enough(?) so far to follow suit. He's not said that, but I feel it.

Do you trust them not to discuss him with your DD when you aren't listening? Not to comment on how 'sad' it is that he can't come to their home? you know what, Sn0tnose, in a way I do, but at the same time I had immense trust in my brother and never thought for a second he'd do what he did, so I no longer totally trust anyone, including them.

mindutopia That's actually very similar if you boil it down to the fact we've both just wanted small and reasonable adjustments in order to continue contact, and they've been denied. Well done to you!

Beaverhausen Wow. There's not even an appropriate level of reaction for that - that's appalling and as you know well, should never have been allowed. I'm so sorry. That's the parent I never want to be.

CaledonianQueen We did things wrong...she doesn't know he's being released yet but has been having trouble sleeping and still isn't quite on an even keel so we've been very cowardly in not wanting to upset the applecart further so far. She did have some weeks of therapy assessment but decided at the time she didn't want any further intervention or help - it's open to her though, whenever she wants it. Your poor friend's dd - I would like to move, even though everything we've built up over the last 18 years is here, I sort of just want to run away, but it's not really possible at the moment and I haven't mentioned it to dh.

Thank you, all of you, sometimes you just need that unconnected outside view

OP - as someone who is NC with my toxic sister, and LC with my enabling mother, I feel for you.

My situation is nothing like your horrific one, but I would be extremely wary of your parents 'accidentally' having your brother in the house when you visit. i think (somehow, god knows how) they think that 'if only they could jsut get together and talk'...

God, my blood runs cold. It did when that's exactly what my mum did to me, with my children with me.

That's why I would go as LC as possible. Esp if your DH is on board with that. your parents have made their choice.

I’m so sorry. I was abused by my father and there were family members of mine / my mums (not even his family, and they’d been long since divorced) that refused to stop having contact with him so I’ve been NC with him and them for over 20 years. In order for them to stop seeing him, they’d have to acknowledge what he did to me, and theyd rather not think about it. Their loss - they’ll never meet my wonderful children.

I suspect your parents are worried that he will have no one when he comes out while your DD has you and her father. Maybe in time they’ll realise there’s a very good reason he has no one and it’s all his fault.

Wishing you all the best

elisen the "funny" thing is, if he is excluded from the area but allowed in to visit, we would be told when and possibly via what route to be able to avoid it, but if they don't allow exclusion full stop then we won't know. I would hope they wouldn't be that silly as direct or indirect contact is a no go for ten years (court ordered). How awful for you and your children though .

Tammy that's just unfathomable I really don't understand some families at all. I think that plays a large part in their thinking actually and has done since it came out, sadly. Thank you

Sorry to read this superlost

Im NC with my sister (and now parents) due to safeguarding issues surrounding my nephew.

Please dont feel guilty about not going NC as easily as ur OH.

Its extremely hard to do. No matter how they behave its not easy to just turn your feelings off and just walk away.

I hope your daughter can find some peace.

Can i ask what age she is?

Just wanted to add, while my situation is not the same as yours, reading ur OP really resonated with me xx

Thank you for your kind words, @Superlost it's been a really harrowing process and my DSis and I both have our own MH issues. And you're right, my mum doesn't get it, despite the fact that she herself was abused as a child. But she has spent her life minimising that and I guess that at 78 she's not likely to change.

to you as well, hope they make the right decision about this.