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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

half siblings

58 replies

chatterbox54 · 13/04/2018 18:58

I have two half sisters from my Dads first marriage. Only one of them wants to get to know me. The one who doesn't says that she wants to put the past behind her and just deal with the here and now. That is her right but I think it is a shame. I get the feeling that the sibling who does not want to get to know me feels that seeing me would remind me too much of her past which she would rather forget. I feel she is punishing me and all I have tried to do is hold out a hand of friendship to her

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 13/04/2018 19:05

seeing me would remind me too much of her past which she would rather forget

Sounds like She's explained why she does not want to pursue a relationship with you ... why would you force something you know she finds emotionally upsetting... ?

PerfectPenquins · 13/04/2018 19:08

It sounds like the past wasn’t very kind to her so leave her be. She’s politely explained she dosnt wish to have a relationship with you and she’s entitled to that. Do you know anything of the past and do you understand why shes is upset about it?

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 13/04/2018 19:11

" I feel she is punishing me and all I have tried to do is hold out a hand of friendship to her "

did her dad sack her and her mum off to make a new family by any chance?

Goosegrass · 13/04/2018 19:45

If you are meeting/getting to know them as adults it seems like your dad left them and started a new family without continuing to see them. If this is the case can you really blame her? You had the parent and the life she would have had. Leave her be.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 13/04/2018 19:48

to be honest if some random half sister that i had never met, because my dad hadnt bothered with me, started trying to 'hold out a hand of friendship' as adults, i would tell her to do one.
So she has been polite and reasonable.

Taylor22 · 13/04/2018 19:50

Did you grow up with them?

If not she may not view you as a sister and as such does not want a relationship with you. That is her right.

KT63 · 13/04/2018 19:50

I think you have to respect her wishes. She’s not (that you’ve said) been rude or unreasonable, she just doesn’t want a relationship. Which is her choice.

mindutopia · 13/04/2018 20:01

Leave the door open and move forward with your life. She may reach out to you one day, but you’ve done all you can or should do for now and you have to come to terms with that.

I have a half brother from my dad’s first marriage. I did grow up seeing him occasionally, though he’s 16 years older than me. But now as an adult, we have no relationship and I haven’t spoken to him in 18 years. He’s a dickhead (there was a lot of drama after my dad’s death), but even if I didn’t already feel that way, if he rocked up as an adult wanting to get to know me, I’d be telling him where to go pretty quickly. I have a great life and a happy family and no need for anyone else in my life. Your sister probably feels the same. That’s okay. Be happy for her, let it go and move forward and maybe she may connect with you in the future if she changes her mind.

SandyY2K · 13/04/2018 20:34

Did your dad cheat on her mum with your mum? Or leave her to pursue a relationship with your mum?

Original poster

chatterbox54 · 14/04/2018 00:17

No my dad spilt up with his first wife and got divorced years before he met my mum. My dad was an alcoholic and his first wife divorced him and met someone else who brought up my dads kids as his own when they were quite young and my dad stopped having contact and then years later one of the two siblings found her dad and regained a relationship with him whilst her sister was not interested and by that time their natural father had already married again and had me. The sibling that sought out her father again wanted to maintain contact and get to know me as her half sister and although contact has been spasmodic over the years, she has never changed her mind and still wants to maintain contact with me and has not let her past get in the way of that but sadly her sister has and has no wish to maintain any kind of relationship face to face or by email or any other way with me and I respect that.

OP posts:

Original poster

chatterbox54 · 14/04/2018 00:19

she never explained that to me. I just put two and two together and realised this is the reason

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 14/04/2018 00:27

Is your dad still in your life married to your mum?

I don't think you understand the impact of having a parent not wanting a relationship (and by proxy you as a sister)

Sorry your Dad is not their father

Gemini69 · 14/04/2018 00:27

aahh ok.. so She never sought a relationship with her Father either ... well there you go OP... She has never been and never will be interested in anything relating to her Father/your Father.... and by default You...

it's good that you will respect that .. leave the door open..... it's all you can do

Original poster

chatterbox54 · 14/04/2018 01:02

My parents are now both dead. My dad died in 2009 aged 87 and my mum died two years ago aged 93. Yes it is hard to fathom how it must feel for a parent not wanting a relationship but I do not know the true situation. As I have explained, there were two siblings. One wanted to have contact and sought out her father and the other did not. The one who sought out her father had on/off contact as an adult and because she had problems of her own, my parents felt it was best that no further contact was maintained because they felt they were getting older and did not want her problems in their life because they were too old to cope with them. They therefore politely told her that no further contact could be maintained. Bearing this in mind, she has not held this against me and now that they have died, I am having contact with her because whilst they were still alive I had to respect them as my parents and not have contact with her but now I can. The other sibling has never wanted to know her father since she was a child and since her father met my mum and had me and now that her father has died and I can once again have contact with the friendlier sibling, she still feels she wants to let sleeping dogs lie. I got back in contact with them when my dad died and when my mum died just out of courtesy because he was their father and I felt they had a right to know he had died and since the friendlier sibling got to know my mum, I felt obligated to tell her that my mum had died and so that brought about contact again but only with the one sibling.

OP posts:

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/04/2018 01:12

I think you need to identify what you want from the half siblings. What's on your mind?

Original poster

chatterbox54 · 14/04/2018 01:23

she may connect with me in the future or she may not. They say what you have never had you never miss and I have never had her in my life so what is there to miss? We may have the same biological father but our personalities are different and they have had a lot of problems in their life which stems from my dads addiction issues and they have inherited addictions such as smoking, drinking, eating, shopping. None of which I have ever had

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 14/04/2018 01:49

They've never had their father in their life or indeed yourself.

One may appear friendlybont he surface but may feel obliged to you and her other sister and is torn.

My sister rekindled a relationship with our father in her 20s myself and my other sister did not. It caused a huge fall out with both sisters no longer speaking - it was a a stab in the back to our mother. He was similar with his own issues.

He's dead. I'm glad he died. My sister is not.

He left 3 photographs and 2 letters. If he was interested he would've mad an effort. He never did.

Sorry to sound harsh but I'm not sure what you expect exactly

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/04/2018 02:00

Thing is that you knew their dad for years when he didn't have a relationship with them. That's tough for them and it sounds like they have dealt with it differently.

I would like to go back to why you want a relationship with them ... nothing wrong with that at all and some connection could in certain circumstances be mutually helpful but could also be extremely unhelpful.

Original poster

chatterbox54 · 14/04/2018 02:51

Because I grew up as an only child and I thought I could find out what it was like to have a sibling

OP posts:

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/04/2018 06:31

Ah.

Sadly for you I'm not sure these people will be able to provide that. There will be that 'connection' because of the shared parent but given the circumstances there is a risk that one or all of you would want stuff from the relationship that the others can't provide, and renewing the pain you've already experienced.

Namechanger1404 · 14/04/2018 07:41

My ex p had 3 DC when we met, we went on to have 2 ourselves. The relationship with his DC was encouraged by me as he really couldn’t be bothered, I wanted our DC to have a relationship with their half siblings.

My ex was a drug user and was out all the time, home life was crap and he rarely spent time with us as a family. It was quite apparent that his DC were looking for his approval when they did come round, they had no interest in a relationship with my DC, and that’s how it is today, NO relationship.

My DC did nothing ‘wrong’ but the other DC thought we were playing happy families, and excluding them, little did they know (then) he wasn’t a family man with any of his DC.

His DC have a great mum, they’re ok but definitely have issues re their dad. I feel sad they don’t want a relationship with my DC, as they were around in their young lives, I’ve accepted it now (my DC aren’t bothered) but I think it’s the parent in question that causes the issue.

It’s nice that you’d like to nurture a relationship, but I’d leave it b, you’ve done nothing wrong, just an unfortunate position to be in.

Angelf1sh · 14/04/2018 08:01

I don’t think she’s punishing you, I just think she’s not interested in you. In the nicest possible way, not everything is about you. Your half-sibling has their own sibling so doesn’t feel the need to seek out others in the way that you do and clearly had no interest in their dad either so it’s not just you they aren’t interested in. If I were in their situation, I wouldn’t be interested either. Some people are really keen on having close family links, others aren’t. Both are fine but they don’t work together.

It’s good that you have the contact with the other sibling so the door is open if they change their mind, but for now you just need to forget about them and move on.

Taylor22 · 14/04/2018 08:10

Your father was not a good parent. He was a bad father and so she wants nothing to do with him and by proxy you.
That is perfectly understandable. He was never a dad to her so you must be a stranger to her.

PintOfCalpol · 14/04/2018 08:19

I have a very similar story. I have two half sisters, from the same father, but our father died just after I was born. I would love to know them as I am an only child and I have no memories of my dad but they do. One responded positively to my contact, the other never acknowledges me, not even to say “sorry I don’t want to know you.” I’d love to hear from her just once to understand her position but she won’t reply to emails. Oddly she accepted me as a follower on Instagram but still ignores my DMs. It’s sad to me that someone with whom I share a parent could be so uninterested in even single conversation but I can’t force her.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/04/2018 08:24

I doubt she's 'uninterested'. She will have her reasons for keeping a distance and she's entitled to do that for her own wellbeing.

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