half siblings

[chatterbox54]

I have two half sisters from my Dads first marriage. Only one of them wants to get to know me. The one who doesn't says that she wants to put the past behind her and just deal with the here and now. That is her right but I think it is a shame. I get the feeling that the sibling who does not want to get to know me feels that seeing me would remind me too much of her past which she would rather forget. I feel she is punishing me and all I have tried to do is hold out a hand of friendship to her

I have a half sister and half brother. At 17 when my father died I met them both. My brother and I had a relationship for a few years but we no longer speak. I am in touch with his children and we have a great relationship.
My sister didn't want to know then but got in touch with me recently. I want nothing to do with her. I'm just not interested, I have enough drama in my own life and I don't have the energy for her.

Sorry OP but your dad wasn't kind to his first two children and they are under no obligation to befriend you. Also it comes across as unfair and harsh that your dad ditched your half sister again because she had problems and I really hope you apologise to her for going along with it...she deserves better than that.

I actually disagree with ‘it’s perfectly understandable they don’t want a relationship with you’

The relationship is separate from the parent, OP has done nothing wrong at all. You don’t have to sit around sharing ‘memories’ you just want a biological connection kept up, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. We all have issues from childhood etc, some of us deal with them and move on. OP this is nothing to do with you..

I don’t think it is directed at OP personally though, she’s choosing to take it that way. Biology isn’t a huge deal for some people, and that’s ok.

So your sister (who wanted contact) and you both respected your parents wishes for no contact between them and her so you should respect your other sister's wishes of no contact with you.

Sometimes no contact with half siblings is for the best. In 2013 it turns out my dad had a secret daughter 6yrs younger than me. She was born a good few years after my parents separated but he kept her birth hidden and was never in her life. We met in our 20s and initially got on great but my other full sister wanted nothing to do with her and refused to meet her (her choice). Well my half sibling was extremely jealous of me and my relationship with our dads side of family (he wasn't there for us either but his family were and we are soo close to my grandparents) and basically made my life hell after a few months and even tried to fight me in public unprovoked. I treated her (a stranger) and her kid extremely well but for some reason she couldn't get over being a secret and even kept going on about why he did it, why he got a DNA test on her as a baby but still never bothered with her. She also hated the fact my mum was/is the love of our dads life (he always says this) and that according to him her mum was just a leg over. I felt sorry for her and always tried to comfort her, opened my home to her etc but after she trying to fight me that was the last resort and i cut contact. We eventually spoke again 2yrs ago but things will never be the same and she knows her loss.

Sometimes its just best to leave things as they are as who knows what type of resentment etc is there even though its not your fault. The whole experience has put me off and i will NOT meet anymore half siblings that come out of the woodwork (there are more who our dad has but never denied or hid apart from only her but i haven't met them except one brother when we were kids). I'd suggest just focus on the half sibling who is interested in having a relationship with you as sometimes it can work out.

Was your sister invited to your dad's funeral?

I do not want to forget about them and move on. It takes two to make a relationship and I have wondered why the one sibling is willing to allow me into her life given the circumstances and she seems as keen as me to maintain contact because the last thing she said when we met yesterday was oh we can do this again, I have enjoyed it and she knows I have been brought up by the father she never had AND I have had close relationships with his entire family whilst growing up and that has not made her bitter or stopped her from wanting to maintain a relationship with me. I am wondering what she gets out of it because when my father left her, her mother remarried another man who already had children and they all grew up together and she still maintains close relationships with them and their families. I can only assume that she wants to know me because of the connection with our father. She was happy to get to know me years ago as a child but because my parents decided it would not work, then I never saw her again until my parents passed away and then I could decide for myself what to do and I decided to contact her again initially to inform her of their deaths but then to have contact with her in my own right especially since over the years she has been keen to do so. Her sister is okay about us meeting. So at the end of the day if I only get to know one of them, its better than nothing

I can totally see her view, Your father was a terrible father, He abandoned her and her sister and so did you going along with it.
It doesnt matter what age he left, He still left and went on to have another child that he did bother with. Thats very hurtful in itself.

That’s really sad but try to remember the reason she doesn’t want to have contact isn’t anything you’ve done wrong or about you as a person. It’s about all her past experiences and the way she feels she needs to act to cope with it all.

" I actually disagree with ‘it’s perfectly understandable they don’t want a relationship with you’ "

and what experience do you base that on exactly?

Do you have a younger half sister who 'got the dad', while you were probably left with a broke and upset mum? if so share the experience, do.

No my 'sister' was not invited to my dads funeral because my mother did not like her and cut contact with her and so it was only afterwards that I found her on facebook and messaged her and said I think I owe it to you to let you know that your father died. My mother was a difficult person and did not like a lot of people and was very quick to dismiss them if they did not meet her expectations but I am not like that. When I met the sibling after her fathers death she said why did your mother not like me and why did she tell me not to contact them again. Obviously I knew what the reason was because my mum told me but it would have been cruel to tell her so I simply said "I have no idea"

OK i read your updates.
YOur dad was an alcoholic who played no part in his children's upbringing?

OK.

look the more you tell me, the more I feel for your sister.
She wasnt even invited to her own dad's funeral? so not acknowledged publicly as a daughter?
Have you any idea at all how hurtful this must have been for her?
Also, read back your posts in a while; they do sound as though you think she owes you something.

You sound very self centred OP.

With respect OP, because I understand that this is hard for you, it doesn’t matter what you want, you can’t force a relationship with someone who isn’t interested and has said they don’t want to. My biological father (I’m adopted) has never been part of my life. If one of his kids tried to contact me declaring they were my brother or sister I wouldn’t want contact, because family is more than biology.
I’m sorry that this is difficult for you, you are not responsible for this situation and I appreciate that it’s hard. But it’s hard for her too, and she has the right to close the door on a relationship.

Yes I never thought of it like that. I was never abandoned by my father although I did feel he was not a good father to me but he stayed with me. My mother always said to me "your father was no good to you" and my mother bitterly despised him for his actions and when he died she said I am glad he is dead because now I am free from him. He had addiction issues and one of the reasons she cut contact with his other daughter was because unfortunately she inherited addiction problem and became addicted to food and my mother felt that she did not want another addict in her life because she had enough to deal with, coping with my father and she said she had enough of people with addictions and so she politely told his daughter that unfortunately things would not work out and never gave her the reason and to this day the daughter is none the wiser and obviously I cannot tell her that its because of her addiction to food. She has done well to stop over eating and shed the enormous amount of weight she put on as a result but like with any form of addiction, it bears psychological problems which means she cannot go to a weight watchers or slimming world class because they allow you to have sins and when you have a real addiction to food those sins are dangerous because you eat what you are allowed to eat and it doesn't just stop there. Because of your addiction, it means you crave more and more and more and before you know it, you are back on the binge eating and are back to square one and she feels she would do this. Its a bit like an alcoholic being given a glass of alcohol and saying oh just one, but with some addicts who have not got over the psychological issues, they would just be encouraged to drink more and more. I did ask my half sibling if she had gone to overeaters anonymous and she said no. I guess she feels she can do it on her own but with her its more than just being overweight and this addiction she has inherited from our father and my mother knew this so cut contact because she felt one addict in her life was more than enough for her to cope with

I have a half sister from my dads new marriage. There was not the same level of trauma or secrecy as there sounds like there has been amongst your sisters and their/your father but after attempting a relationship with my half sister for a while I reassured it was just too painful for me. I have a lot of unresolved issues with my father but they are mine to do with at a time that I decide. I withdrew from my sister, I like her but that really isn't the relevant part. While there are lots of differences in our situation I think I'm just trying to illustrate the point that your half sister is entitled to manage her relationships with you, her father, her mother and anybody else as she sees fit. Yes it's a shame but contact with this woman is not your right.

it doesn’t matter what you want, you can’t force a relationship with someone who isn’t interested and has said they don’t want to.

This. So much this! It doesn't matter if it's a bio relative, or a friend, or a lover - you just can't force a relationship.

She's not interested. It doesn't matter if you got the dad, if he was an alcoholic, if she has addition issues (although stop analysing her!). She doesn't want that relationship with you, therefore it does not exist.

I have a smattering of half siblings. Some I knew about, others I found out more recently, as adults. I also have 'full siblings'. I'm really not interested in the new halfs - I'm just not, they're strangers to me. One of my full siblings does want a relationship with the half. Both scenarios are fine and are our right.

Your mother was a nasty nasty woman your half sister wouldn’t need to be in your mothers life she could have just seen her father if he had been a decent person he would have done that. Your mother was a rotten cow not to tell the girls their father had died and invite them to the funeral there is no excuse for that. I’m sorry maybe the other sister thinks you will be like your Mum and wants nothing to do with you for that reason? Leave her be she’s hardly had it good with her sperm doner father has she!

I have younger half sisters and I do worry that when my dad dies, nobody will call me....they wont want the evidence of his previous marriage at the funeral you see...

My 2 adopted DDs have 2 siblings (one older half sister and one full brother who's younger). We have contact via Facebook with the half sister's adoptive mum but none with the younger brother at all.

We've told our DDs all about their siblings, and we would love them to have direct contact. But it will be entirely their decision whether they want a relationship with them in the future. They have each other and a lot of cousins so they may well not want it, or one will and the other won't.

I'm not at all surprised that your sister doesn't want contact. Concentrate on building a relationship with the sister who does want to be in touch.

By the time my dad died, my mother had dementia and had a lot of health problems and did not know how to contact my dads daughters or indeed the one she had met. So I did. I had no idea where they were living but looked on facebook and thankfully they were both on fb so I messaged them and told them and they were sorry. I am going on holiday next month to stay with two members of my dads family. They know about this but I am wondering if I should just say nothing about the trip when I come back because despite the sibling who I am in touch with having a good attitude about me being in touch with the relatives on our fathers side she never new, I wonder if secretly she is upset about it and does not want to let me know. They do so that you never know what goes on behind closed doors and people put up a brave front for the outside world but its false. My mother did that her whole life and nobody outside the family knew how she really felt. She would put on an act of happiness but deep down she was the most unhappy person I have ever come across and she never addressed her issues so she went to her grave an unhappy woman full of remorse and regret and bitterness

I second the counselling idea.
Be kindly honest with your half sister who you are in contact with and dear gawd stop analysing her behaviour it's not coming across as very nice.

" y the time my dad died, my mother had dementia and had a lot of health problems and did not know how to contact my dads daughters or indeed the one she had met. So I did. "

but not before his funeral?

why do I feel I am being made to feel the bad guy here? My hands were tied before my father died. I had a mother who did not like my fathers daughter and she wanted her out of her life. I as her daughter had to respect that and have no contact either. I had a weak father who just went along with it for the sake of peace and quiet. He was so weak and under my mothers thumb that he was forced to tell me that I was the apple of his eye and that he only had one daughter and that daughter was me. I said you have two others and he said they have a new life with their stepfather and that is their life now. Also I am not analysig my half sisters behaviour. I like to know who I am dealing with. My mum met my dad and had no idea he was an alcoholic and he never told her and then they got married etc and then he told her. I said to her if you had known he was an alcoholic would you have married him and she said no but by the time she found out it was too late and she was already pregnant with me so I guess she had no choice but she said she would never willingly get personally involved with someone with an addiction because of the trauma it causes and it caused us trauma as a family. We never had any money. My dad ran up debts and my mother worked her fingers to the bone to pay them off and as soon as she did that, more debts occurred. She threatened to leave him if he did not get on the straight and narrow and after 40 years of marriage he finally stopped running up debts and stopped drinking and they were able to accumulate some savings but my mother took some of the savings and bought treats for herself and said she was justified because of all the years they had been in debt and she had nothing