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Original poster

Grown up children... help me like their partners and families!

42 replies

MrsGrindah · 13/04/2018 17:29

I have two lovely grown up DSDs. One has a BF I really really like, the other has one I dislike. I realise now that I suffer from social anxiety which is getting worse but these are my dilemmas
Both BFs really want us to meet up with their parents socially and I completely understand it and it’s nice. But I have nothing in common with either set and quite frankly I dread it. Plus, and I’m ashamed to admit it, I want to make even less effort with the parents of the BF I don’t like.
Obviously I feel bad about this because they are the partners of my DSDs and in some respect it’s none of my business. My DH loves both lads and is more outgoing than me so doesn’t have a problem at all . I wish I was like him but I’m not.
I’d really appreciate any coping strategies... how do you get along with adults who become part of your “ family” whether you like it or not?

OP posts:
Justanotherzombie · 13/04/2018 17:32

With as good grace as you can muster!

They are just people, and unless they are offensive (racist etc) I’d just try to enjoy their company and common link (the kids). Life is so bloody short, and people are so precious, just look for the positives in these people and try to enjoy them for that.

WorkingBling · 13/04/2018 17:36

Honestly, in the beginning you all make lots of effort and its either great, and you genuinely become friends, or more likely, you realise they're perfectly nice people but you don't have any real desire to hang out and it drops to occasional large family events. So basically, grin and bear it knowing it won't last.

I speak from experience. I have multiple siblings, all with partners and families. Over the years all families have met and socialised blah blah. Over time, those relationships fade away as everyone realises that there's nothing more substantial there except the relationship of the two people directly involved. And now we're at polite meet ups during large family events or attending major life events eg funerals etc.

trappedinsuburbia · 13/04/2018 17:36

OP, just a thought, I had hypnosis for social anxiety, something just clicked in my brain after the first session. Now I can happily chatter away a load of rubbish to anyone. I never went back for any more sessions.
I, like you would have dreaded this and done anything to get out of it. Now I would really be looking forward to it.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 13/04/2018 17:37

Just.. thanks. Enjoying the common link with the parents of the BF I don’t like is even harder though! I suppose they may feel the same way about me!

OP posts:
ShinyShooney · 13/04/2018 17:37

@trapped

Can you share who treated you ?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 13/04/2018 17:39

Yes I do think I need to tackle the social anxiety too. Went to a party the other week and it was torture.. my poor DH is just baffled

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 13/04/2018 17:40

Im up in Scotland so don't know if would be any use sharing? They were properly qualified etc, I think it cost £60. It has honestly changed my life.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 13/04/2018 17:42

Is it common to socialise with the BFs parents ( we don’t live close to either set)

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 13/04/2018 17:44

I think if they're serious its nice to formally meet them?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 13/04/2018 17:52

You see it never even occurred to me that we needed to meet!

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 13/04/2018 18:11

You don't 'need' to, its just a nice friendly thing to do.

WipsGlitter · 13/04/2018 18:14

My mum met my fil probably six times in 12 years. The had two meals together one at our wedding and once on DHs birthday.

Socialising with your kids present is probably normal occasionally. Do they want you to do stuff without your kids there?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 13/04/2018 19:15

I’m sorry I don’t mean to be unappreciative of your comments but saying it’s “ nice and normal” means that’s the way it feels for you- but not to me. My question was, in this situation does anyone have any experience and coping strategies?

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 13/04/2018 19:28

What level of socialising do they want you to do?

Do you drink? Would a glass of wine help settle the nerves?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 13/04/2018 19:48

It’s usually drinks and a meal. Yes I do drink but if I’m honest, when anxious, tend to drink too much which isn’t something that I really want to do. I think one thing might be to make sure I’m sat nearer the girls... that way I can chat at part of the group and don’t feel the expectation to just talk to the other Mum?

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 13/04/2018 19:56

And how frequently do they want to do this?

WipsGlitter · 13/04/2018 20:02

And how frequently do they want to do this?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 13/04/2018 21:14

We met last year and both sets are trying to rearrange this year. So not frequently but that’s partky cos I’m wriggling out of it

OP posts:
TeisanLap · 14/04/2018 05:08

You see it never even occurred to me that we needed to meet!

Op, I find that very hard to believe.

I know youve said you have social anxiety and I hope you can get help for it for your sake - and not just because there’s a very good chance you could all share grandchildren one day and getting off to a good start by meeting the other parents will really help in the future.

Robin233 · 14/04/2018 05:20

I understand where you're coming from.
But good food. Good drink.
Sit near your husband. Smile and nod. Back up his funny stories etc.
You don't have to be the life and sole.
Just appear friendly and interested. You may even enjoy it. Good luck Smile

BrandNewHouse · 14/04/2018 05:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/04/2018 05:56

Why don’t you like the BF? If SD and her dad like him, and he sounds nice in that he’s family oriented enough to want both families to mingle, what is it you don’t like? Are you projecting a bit onto his parents?

Weezol · 14/04/2018 06:00

If your social anxiety is becoming this limiting, it's time to seek some professional help to deal with it.
You'll get coping techniques tailor made for you which will be far more effective than books or the internet.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 14/04/2018 06:07

I think it's a bit odd. Why would you want to meet their parents? DP and I have been together nine years and our parents have never met.

Emptynestermum · 14/04/2018 06:36

As you don't live close to either set of parents it won't need to happen often. I've had a similar situation with parents of son's girlfriend - pleasant people, but we have nothing common at all, except our children - so we did it for him.

As you haven't met them yet you might be surprised and quite like one of them. Just go along with it, sit near your husband, make sure you have an exit reason so it doesn't drag on too long, and feel proud of yourself for supporting your daughters as it will make them happy.

Some professional help with the social anxiety may help you, not just for this, but generally. x

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