Grown up children... help me like their partners and families!

[MrsGrindah]

I have two lovely grown up DSDs. One has a BF I really really like, the other has one I dislike. I realise now that I suffer from social anxiety which is getting worse but these are my dilemmas
Both BFs really want us to meet up with their parents socially and I completely understand it and it’s nice. But I have nothing in common with either set and quite frankly I dread it. Plus, and I’m ashamed to admit it, I want to make even less effort with the parents of the BF I don’t like.
Obviously I feel bad about this because they are the partners of my DSDs and in some respect it’s none of my business. My DH loves both lads and is more outgoing than me so doesn’t have a problem at all . I wish I was like him but I’m not.
I’d really appreciate any coping strategies... how do you get along with adults who become part of your “ family” whether you like it or not?

If you really can’t face it do n’t go and let everyone else meet up.

I think once a year is probably ok. And agree if your anxiety is this bad turn it's maybe time to get some help.

My mum had bad anxiety and it was very draining on everyone.

My top tip that stands me in good stead is to ask people about themselves.
Eg. Where do you work, holidays, kids etc. Most people are experts on their own lives and can go on for hours.

Depends on the geography I suppose. My GPs met a few times during my life - literally on the fingers of one hand. But, they were probably 250 miles apart - and we lived somewhere between.

If you all live in the same town, more likely I suppose.

This won’t be popular with people here but I have social anxiety and I just wouldn’t go. I’d make excuses and get out of it, especially as it hardly ever happens. I would be nice to the boyfriends - both of them- but I wouldn’t make a special effort to meet their families. Even if they do go on to have children and you all become grandparents how likely are you to meet up? My mum and mother in law saw each other once at my wedding and that was it! But then we’re not family gathering type people and I wouldn’t want to be in a family that was, we visit everyone separately. I think you have to do whatever suits you whilst staying polite and let them realise that you don’t want to be “one big happy family”, there’s nothing wrong with that, that’s your choice and families are all different.

My type of hell is a big group of people all in my house chatting away- the very thought of it makes me feel ill. Luckily my children (one teenager, one 6 year old with autism) are the same as me so we are a family of introverts and all prefer our own company and just having one or two close friends.

Treat them like work colleagues or friends of friends that you’ve ended up at the same dinner with.
Just be polite, smile, comment on the food, and ask them about themselves.

DH and I have been together for nearly 30 years. Our parents met when we got engaged, at our wedding, at two christenings and a funeral. MIL, now widowed has been at ours when dd has been performing and mine have come up for the show. Chalk and cheese.

TBH I can't see the point if there isn't a wedding. DS has had a g/f for nearly six years (just split up). We purposefully kept our distance. Why would one want to stsrt making friends when a relationship pne's child has might not be permanent.

I don't have anxiety op but I think your gut is right though probably you neèd to separate the two and manage your anxiety for social situations.

Becoming too chummy with dc's inlaws can be difficult i think. Best to be neutral where one's children are concerned so you are 100% behind them in the context of any future strife.

Apologies if I haven’t described this clearly. I have met both sets once last year and they are keen to meet up again. So that’s why I think I don’t have anything in common although of course you don’t really know after just one meeting.
The reason I don’t like one BF is a whole other thread but when I met his parents I could see some of the same traits in his father
I think I need to talk to my DH rather than keep inventing excuses

Talking to DH is a good idea. I completely get that you don't want to make friends with them and you are right that you shouldn't have to.

I don't think meeting up with them once or twice a year (family dinner for DD birthday, BF birthday) is unusual. You have every right to say to DH, DD that 3 hours twice a year is the absolute maximum you are prepared to spend on this.

I'm not a people person and sometimes find being in a group of more than four or five the last thing I want to do, even when it's people I like.

I have made excuses in the past to get out of stuff at the last minute to get out of things when I should have just declined the invitation from the off. I'd come up with a massive backstory and then feel guilty for letting them down and lying.

My counsellor helped me learn to let my no be enough, to put in boundaries and to accept that it was okay to feel as I do, we're all different. Some can't cope with being alone, or not seeing lots of different people and that's fine for them, but not for me. I need downtime and can't be having with constant conversations going on around me, I find it exhausting.

The reason I suggested help with the SA is that it can be a sneaky thing and gradually get worse and worse if you don't tackle it.

To be honest despite how you feel about their future in laws, I’m in total awe that you obviously have such a good relationship with your two step daughters- not to be taken for granted!

Do you work, OP? I often find it useful in such situations to put myself in "work mode" - sometimes I tell myself that tonight is an industry event in which I should a) network and b) help people feel comfortable with my customer service/sales skills.

I basically got through my wedding reception like this. And 2-3 wedding receptions of relatives. Then I wised up and thought "fuck this" and now send a generous wedding gift along with my "sorry I can't be there" message.

So yeah my advice is just continue avoiding unless absolutely essential, even your wedding day can be mitigated by eloping.

Is it common to socialise with the BFs parents ( we don’t live close to either set)

Not in my experience. I mean, I like to meet people generally, but there is no 'expectation' you have any sort of relationship with your dc's partner's parents. Obviously if there is wedding planning, or once there are new babies, you are more likely to meet now and then but until that point I don't think there is any expectation.

My parents and dh's parents never socialised, same with siblings tand their 'in-laws'. You meet at the wedding, and at dcs' Christenings / first birthdays etc., but you don't have to 'hang out' other than that.

All that said, once a year if they are in the area, doesn't sound like too much of an ask. You'd also be with your dh and your dd, and it will only be for a couple of hours if you go for a meal or something.
If your social anxiety doesn't let you cope with that, then maybe it is something you need some help with, as that is going to restrict your life quite a bit.

My in-laws and my parents have barely met. They met in the run up to our wedding, at our wedding and then at other big family occasions like christenings. The same with my siblings and my husbands.

I'd have liked there to be more of a relationship. My in-laws, however, made it very clear they had no interest whatsoever and have maintained that. I was disappointed at first but now appreciate that they were honest and up front about it. My family can be a nightmare so it's probably for the best! The only thing that now bothers me about it is that they didn't take that stance with all of their children's in-laws. They made quite an effort with one set and, although not close to them, see or speak to them occasionally. That reflects a bit of favouritism and a lot of geography.

Unless families live close to each other, I don't think I know of many where two families of a couple get together much.

My parents and PiL have met about half a dozen times including our wedding and we've been together 20 years in May, married for 16 this summer with 1 ds. They both live far away and rarely visit us at the same time. It's not essential to see them if you don't want to OP

If you get to know the parents, it helps you to understand their 'cultural references' when they're bringing up your shared grandchildren. However, it sounds like you might need to tackle your general anxiety around socialising perhaps, so you don't dread it but just enjoy the experience of meeting new people. Nobody expects you to become bosom buddies with everyone you meet but it's nice to be able to just chat without feeling under pressure to perform, as it were.

You could probably count the times my parents and PILs have met on your fingers. Very very major occasions: weddings, first communions, maybe the odd dance performance, no need for any more, and no need to force things. It might be worth gritting your teeth and getting through occasions like this for politeness's sake, but it's not necessary to do any more, so don't allow yourself to be railroaded into more than you can handle. It's not that you're nasty, just that you have the right to organise your own social life and friendships, and they're not who you choose.

My two sets of grandparents met about twice in their lives I think. They were separated by the Irish Sea, a world war and an entire language and culture; I even called them different names as a kid and didn't quite get that there were parallel family relationships there until I was much older. Families don't have to be in each other's pockets.

I think it’s normal to meet the parents when the relationship is serious.
I have 3 adult children. Met the families before moving in together, weddings. 2 if the families we get on really well with. They would not be friends by choice. The other family we cannot stand. The feeling is mutual.
Makes it easier as the relationship
Progresses. Birthdays, special events and when grandchildren come along.
Our poor daughter tries to organize separate events for the family that doesn’t get on. On occasions it can’t be done. Polite on both sides. But that’s it.