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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He says my depression is just me feeling sorry for myself. Does anybody agree?

36 replies

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 14:48

I'm 36 and have suffered from depression on and off for about 10 years. At times, it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. However, I have managed to never have taken time off work because of it. My DP of the last 18 month's attitude worries/annoys me as he sees it as me just lying in bed feeling sorry for myself and he thinks if I just got up and did something I would be ok.

Today I have had a particularly bad day. He is working from home and I am off work. I have woken up very depressed and a bit teary. There is no particular reason for it unfortunately and I wish I wasn't like this. He can't understand why I've just been lying about (I did get up to make us breakfast and lunch though). He told me before that he felt suicidal after his last breakup and this is why I'm finding it difficult to understand his attitude. He said that he thinks I should just go out and do something although this is the latest thing I feel like doing. Does anybody agree with him? It's ok if you do- I would just like a balanced opinion on the situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 14:50

Ps I have been to see my GP about this and have been onSertealine for a month for depression/anxiety although I haven't noticed a difference. I was previously on Citalopram 20mg.

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LimonViola · 13/04/2018 14:55

He might not be saying it very sensitively (maybe he's a tough love approach kinda person) but he does have a point. Inactivity and withdrawal from activities are one of the symptoms of depression but they also contribute to making it much, much worse. He's right in that if you just stay in bed for hours you've got no chance of feeling any better, whereas if you get up and go do something (anything: could be a ten minute walk, a shower, some housework, go to a coffee shop, whatever) you have a chance of feeling better. It becomes self reinforcing: you don't feel like doing much so you don't, but then your life gets smaller and you lose all sources of positive reinforcement as you're not getting a sense of achievement from a hobby or closeness to others from seeing a friend, your hygiene slips so you feel worse about yourself, your housework slips so you feel even worse and overwhelmed by it all.

Sometimes the best approach is acting as if you're not depressed so your emotions have chance to catch up and improve.

You might want to look into CBT on the NHS or read about behavioural activation, a self help therapy for depression which utilises a lot of this stuff. Depression sucks bad but there are ways to treat it and improve it, and staying in bed isn't one of them, however tempting it feels.

Just FYI I also have depression for the past several years since a similar age to when it began for you, and I'm also on antidepressants. so this is the voice of experience and research.

Coyoacan · 13/04/2018 14:57

Well, depression is an illness, but what are you doing about it, OP? Have you been to the doctor, have you sought therapy?

Depression is no fun for you but it is also horrible for the people around you and if you aren't seeking help, I would not have much sympathy.

Original poster

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 15:00

Thanks so much @LimonViola I really appreciate your input. I know underneath it all that I should try to get up but it's just so difficult. I want to hide away from the world if that makes sense and sleep it off. I've tried a mindfulness course before but found I was too anxious to relax.

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LimonViola · 13/04/2018 15:00

It might help you both for you to sit and talk when you're feeling a little less acutely down about how you would like him to support you when you have really bad days. That's what I've done with my OH. Only I can take responsibility for my actions and I don't expect him to babysit me or anything, but we've both learned over time that when he can see I'm really depressed and unmotivated and inactive it gives me a chance of my mood improving to have him throw me in the shower, open the curtains, maybe go to the park with me for a bit, to make me a hot drink, and give me a hug and tell me he loves me.

At the time doing those things feels incredibly difficult. Like, the water feels like it hurts my skin and my eyes feel strain from the sunlight. And the thought of being outside where others can see me and I am sure they can tell what a disgusting useless waste of space I am, is painful. But you know, it's a lot harder to feel as depressed as I was in bed once I'm up, clean, with a bit of fresh air, being told I am loved and not a waste of space.

And as we have this discussion already, when the depression kicks in we both know what to expect and I don't get angry at him for trying to help in the wrong way or anything and he knows I'll be receptive to his efforts even if I seem resistant.

Original poster

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 15:02

@Coyoacan please see above. I have been on the most recent antidepressants for a month so hopefully they kick in soon. I don't want to be like this. I remember a time when I was happy but it seems so far away now.

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LimonViola · 13/04/2018 15:03

It makes perfect sense, I feel the exact same way when I'm really depressed. At my most recent worst episode over this winter just gone there were days where I tried to force myself up out of bed all day and only managed at 10pm. The shame is huge. Then I'd have a quick shower and back into bed. It's a safe space where nothing can get you and sleep takes away the pain, very alluring but ultimately it's a trap as it just keeps you where you were.

Try reading some stuff here and definitely see your doctor about therapy. Mindfulness can help for anxiety and in the prevention of relapse of depression but there's no evidence to say it actually helps someone recover from depression in the first place.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/minipax.cfm?mini_ID=8

Skinandbones · 13/04/2018 15:05

I was on the same as you but then saw another doc who changed my tablets. Mine is more social anxiety although I have really bad days when I don't do anything and cry over little things. My hubby has taken ages to get his head round all this, he's fine when I've got a cold or had an operation, but PMT, depression and anxiety he has taken ages to understand it. It helps that my 2 grown daughters help me and are great at explaining it to dh, my grown son can't understand it either.
I think you may need to distract yourself some times, you don't have to go out if you don't feel like it. I've have a couple of pages on FB, the ppl on there are great, you don't have to go on for ages but just a chat now and then, or a bit of baking, it's up to you and what you feel like doing. You could also go back to your doctor and have a chat with them, is it a big practice, I find different docs seem to be good at different stuff, may be worth asking the reception when you ring. Hope your feeling better soon.

Original poster

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 15:06

Thanks so much for the comments. It seems that the sleep just sucks me in if that makes sense. I have such vivid dreams during this time and actually feel worse at the end of it. I know that getting up would be the best thing but it's just so difficult. I'll go and make myself get a shower now as it's true that I also neglect personal hygiene when I'm in this kind of mood.

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TeeBee · 13/04/2018 15:09

I agree with him to be honest. I also suffer from depression and anxiety sometimes. The worst thing is to lie around doing nothing. Get up, get out, do something useful.
I'm totally not saying it's your fault you're feeling this way at all but getting up and keeping busy will help enormously.
I hope you feel better soon. Depression stinks but it will pass.

caseymoo · 13/04/2018 15:10

Op I get similar from my DH when I feel like this. It's a vicious cycle is depression because you don't want to do anything, so don't socialise or do other stuff (in my case anyway), which then doesn't do you any favours in the long run.
When I'm down like that my DH is always saying oh go and see such and such or go and see my mum it'll give you something to do. But my mind just isn't in the right place and sometimes I think I just need to wallow and be sad for a bit. I'd be no good company to anyone like that!
I have to say that I have been on both citalopram and sertraline, sertraline was by far a better fit for me than citalopram but everyone reacts to drugs differently. Perhaps you need a different dosage?

Original poster

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 15:11

Thanks @TeeBee Everybody's comments have helped me. I suppose it's not much fun for him to seeing me lying about and not even getting a shower. Off to get one now before I change my mind!!

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LimonViola · 13/04/2018 15:12

It might help a lot if you can make an agreement with yourself that each morning when your alarm goes off or you wake up you get in the shower as the very first thing you do. Bypass the bed and sleep trap.

TeeBee · 13/04/2018 15:18

TeeBee · 13/04/2018 15:21

Well done OP. I know it can take so much to get moving when depression strikes but you can pull yourself out of it...even if just temporarily. Going out for walks are brilliant for lifting your mood. Scrub your oven, redecorate, sort out some cupboards, just get started. Anything to get those endorphins pumping. Are you exercising? If I don't exercise, even for two days, I know it will be bad news.

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/04/2018 15:27

I think one of the sad realities is that too many people just don't understand or empathise with mental health issues, including those that have suffered themselves. In my layman's opinion, depression can take many forms and have many root causes so to take the view that "this is how it went for me so this is how it should go for you" is just ignorance talking. Equally, whilst some depression can be associated with specific events or circumstances, as often as not they can't - it can be as much down to a more physical root cause.

You need support, compassion and understanding, not buck up and get on with it.

Not trying to steer you in a LTB direction but you need your mental health more than you need your partner. If his attitude is unsupportive to the point of being detrimental to your well being and eventual recovery then you maybe need to think long and hard about what is really best for you.

Original poster

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 15:27

I got my shower so I'm pleased about that.:)

OP posts:

Original poster

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 15:33

He doesn't understand when I'm like this at all. His opinion is that I should just 'buck myself up' and get up and go out. Sometimes that feels impossible. As I said, I have suffered from depression/anxiety for quite a number of years. However, last year my brother overdosed on diazipam and was in a coma for 2 weeks and my mum has also talked about feeling suicidal. So in a way it is me feeling sorry for myself but I just find everything so overwhelming.

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LimonViola · 13/04/2018 15:34

Well done OP! Do you feel any differently?

Whenever I feel really depressed and grubby and can't face a shower I always think I might feel a tiny bit better after. Every single time, I am astonished at just HOW MUCH better i feel once I'm clean. Even if you just get back into clean PJs it can be such a boost.

What are your plans for today so far?

Original poster

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 15:37

I feel so much better thanks. I'm not particularly vain but just the feeling of not being grubby has perked me up. I hate lying about the house looking a mess.

OP posts:

LimonViola · 13/04/2018 15:37

He may not understand, but does he try to? If you gave him a simple information sheet about depression do you think he would read through it and try to learn? It's fine not to understand, nobody truly can until they go through it (and even then you only understand how it is for you considering it's different for everyone) but I feel in a loving relationship you'd make an effort to try and understand your partner's health issue as much as possible. Do you feel supported by him overall?

I'm sorry you've been through that stuff recently, it sounds very painful. If you ever need to just talk through things with someone unrelated the samaritans are ideal. You don't have to be in a crisis, they're there even if you just fancy a chat through something on your mind that's upsetting or bothering you.

LimonViola · 13/04/2018 15:38

Great :)

On my good days I am a full shower, daily wash and condition and blow dry hair, full face of makeup person. On the depressed days though even just being clean is enough to feel better.

Plus I personally find when I'm unclean I know I can't leave the house, but when I am clean I know I can leave at any time so it's one less barrier to going out.

TeeBee · 13/04/2018 15:41

Original poster

Beegee02 · 13/04/2018 15:42

I'm upstairs and I feel he is kind of avoiding me now. I don't think he can deal with my low moods. I know he loves me but he doesn't understand when I am depressed like this. I really do try to hide it but it's too difficult at times.

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aaarrrggghhhh · 13/04/2018 15:44

Ignorant comments from him and tbh ignorant comments from lots of people here who have suffered depression themselves.

Going outside may or may not make you feel better - depends what state you're in, what the factors are that contributed to it and what kind of treatment is effective for it.

Obviously exercise, sunshine, social interaction are all important for mental wellness - but if you are mentally unwell it is a much more complex picture.

If you're as depressed as you sound then having a shower is a MASSIVE achievement. The equivalent of someone who is well running a marathon I suspect. So make that your big achievement and be realistic about what other things you can achieve.

The point is that mental health is very complex, so much is not known and it is unique to every individual.

So yes in saying you should just "get up and go out" he is being ignorant. It is like asking someone with a broken leg to go for a jog.

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