He says my depression is just me feeling sorry for myself. Does anybody agree?

[Beegee02]

I'm 36 and have suffered from depression on and off for about 10 years. At times, it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. However, I have managed to never have taken time off work because of it. My DP of the last 18 month's attitude worries/annoys me as he sees it as me just lying in bed feeling sorry for myself and he thinks if I just got up and did something I would be ok.

Today I have had a particularly bad day. He is working from home and I am off work. I have woken up very depressed and a bit teary. There is no particular reason for it unfortunately and I wish I wasn't like this. He can't understand why I've just been lying about (I did get up to make us breakfast and lunch though). He told me before that he felt suicidal after his last breakup and this is why I'm finding it difficult to understand his attitude. He said that he thinks I should just go out and do something although this is the latest thing I feel like doing. Does anybody agree with him? It's ok if you do- I would just like a balanced opinion on the situation.

Have you tried to speak to him about it OP? Find out what he finds so hard about your depression and what impact it's having on him? relationships are a two way street of course, and it's right for you to support him too as well as rightly wanting his support for yourself.

Not sure if you think now is the best time, in your position I'd go for a walk with headphones and a podcast I think and then speak later when there's been a bit more time to cool down.

I too have had periods of depression but find that certain relatively simple things help hugely. They include: keeping busy, helping others, exercising in the fresh air, going to bed early and getting up early, a super-healthy diet with lots of fresh organic veg and fruit and no sugar/junk. It's hard sometimes to spur oneself into action but you can maybe look upon it as your way of keeping your head above water. For some of us, happiness is not a given or a default state; we have to work at it! It's always good just to do somethinganythingto avoid slipping into a downward spiral of feeling useless.

I haven't really tried to talk to him. His general attitude seems to be that depression is feeling sorry for yourself and that if you just get up and do something eg exercise you will feel better. That is the last thing I feel like doing! I have tried to get a grip of myself and have got my tears under control for now. I realise this isn't much fun for him but hiding my emotions is stressful.

aaarrrggghhhh

I don't think it's unreasonable for OP's partner not to know all of that, given that he isn't a mental health professional and may not have had any experience with mental illness in others in his life that he knows about. Unless there's more to the story he may well just be trying to support OP in the way he knows best. Drawing from his own experience of being suicidal previously and what helped him. He didn't say it in the most sensitive way, but I don't see that he's necessarily done anything wrong.

Depression differs for everyone who has it, and it presents to differing degrees from mild to severe, sometimes it's situational and other times it isn't. OP can read the advice on here and do with it what she likes: maybe she will get some benefit and maybe she won't. But being so judgmental about the 'ignorance' of PP's who are trying to help (and in some cases speaking from their own experience: clearly labelled as such and not pretending to be a professional) only serves to frighten people away from discussing mental health for fear of saying the wrong thing.

That's no good for anybody.

I just wanted to say regarding the sertraline, I'm on it and it took 6 weeks to see an improvement and about 10 weeks to get the full benefit. Stick with it and be kind to yourself!

Ruby Wax is doing a series about mental health at the moment on radio4.
The trailer has her going” Some of my friends tell me I should perk up, like duh! I never thought of that “ or similar. The point being that it’s not that simple.
I wonder if there is a big difference between being depressed because of what life throws at you, ( like his split up) and having depression as an illness. I’m no expert, but I wanted to send my sympathy. I’m your situation I’d want a bit more understanding.
Maybe listen to the Ruby Wax thing together on I player?

How long were you together before he moved in? You may have been able to mask your depression or perhaps weren’t depressed when you first met but now you’re living together, it’s harder to avoid.

If he genuinely believes that ‘you just need to buck yourself up’ then you are incompatible on a fundamental level and living with someone who doesn’t understand your MH challenges is not doing your MH any favours.

I think it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship or at the very least the living together part.

Some good posts about resources here.

Reading between the lines though, the comment bothers me. Does he make other comments about mental health? If depression is "feeling sorry for yourself", what are his thoughts about PTSD, anxiety, self-harm, suicidal ideation etc?

He told me before that he felt suicidal after his last breakup and this is why I'm finding it difficult to understand his attitude.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother's overdose and your mum.

I think you need a conversation about mental health and the variations. You could ask him how he felt when he was suicidal? What plans he made? What stopped him? If he could open up it might make you understand him more. Then you could say how you're feeling and mabey it might show some different points of view from a deeper place.

I think you said you haven't really talked to him.

His 'depression' was feeling sad at the end of a relationship.

Yours is induced by your brain, not anything concrete that you can point your finger at and say 'THAT! That is what is making me depressed!' and I don't think he can understand that. He can't understand that depression can have no root cause and can just 'happen'. I expect he got up and went for long walks and his depression went away, so he thinks the same will happen for you.

Maybe he thinks you aren't doing anything to 'help yourself' and therefore lacks sympathy, when what you need is empathy, which he doesn't have either.

You could try giving him information about depression and showing him that it manefests differently for different people, but I have the horrible feeling that he thinks he was seriously depressed and 'beat it' and can't see why you don't do the same. He may not be the man for you.

Sometimes lying in bed is actually all you can do. I think he’s being unkind - there are ways of saying things