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Original poster

AIBU - Asking partner to move his stuff out of his ex's house

38 replies

hopethingsgetbetter · 13/04/2018 13:08

My partner is in the lengthy process of getting divorced. However his ex has told him that she is happy for him to live in her house and to keep his things there. Unsurprisingly I am not happy for this, so he moved in with me but he hasn't moved his stuff out. He is particularly reluctant to move his (several) high-maintenance, vintage hobby vehicles out of her garage. I try to be calm and reasonable but probably about once a week I loose it and give him ultimatums. My friends, his sister and his daughters have all told me that I should give ultimatums and stick to them. I don't want to do that because I would rather be in a relationship with a volunteer than a conscript and I want him to take responsibility for his decisions. I have repeatedly said to him that if he wants to go back to his old life then to please do so and he has clearly said that he doesn't, but he does not seem to be capable of making a clean break. I guess I know what people will say to me, but I feel that I need to get this off my chest.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 13/04/2018 13:09

Is he paying towards his life in your house?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2018 13:13

An ultimatum can only be issued once and also needs to be followed through to the letter otherwise it loses all its power. Repeated ultimatums are themselves pointless.

I would be asking him to move out of your house to be honest; what you write is really no basis for a good relationship in the long term either. He is not over his ex and is likely still tied to her, those cars of his won't be moving either.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/04/2018 13:14

Have you got somewhere to keep these vehicles?

And how long have you two been together?

I'm not sure I would be happy to move in with someone who told me to

TheQueenOfWands · 13/04/2018 13:15

Does he not want to live alone for a while?

Maybe he's waiting to find his own place. Most people want a breather in between relationships.

Original poster
hopethingsgetbetter · 13/04/2018 13:25

No, I agree with BitOutOfPractice, neither would I. I feel that he pushed me into it by refusing to leave her house. He wasn't paying me rent because I didn't want to get financially involved until he had a fair financial settlement with his ex. However, I have recently asked him for money on the advice of friends. No apparently he doesn't want to live on his own, and given that his ex is being to "reasonable" (according to him, but in my view manipulative and passive-aggressive) there is no need for him to do so. I think he doesn't like the idea of being lonely as well. Because their financial settle up is looking so unfair and totally stacked in her favour, I don't think he could afford to anyway. I have offered to rent a garage. I even suggested renting HER garage, in which case we would have the key and she would need to get her stuff out. Thanks for comments guys. I appreciate your concern. No, it doesn't sound great reading it in black and white here.

OP posts:
PinkCalluna · 13/04/2018 13:32

Ultimatums which you have no intention of carrying out are a waste of breath.

You say you wants a volunteer not a conscript but what you actually want is for him to do what he is told.

He clearly doesn’t want to move his stuff.

So you get to decide.

He isn’t prepared to do what you want, even though it upsets you and causes arguments.

You aren’t prepared to happily accept the status quo so keep starting fruitless arguments.

Either accept that he hasn’t fully moved on or end it. He won’t make a decision you you will have to.

lifebegins50 · 13/04/2018 13:43

You are in danger of being a transition girlfriend..a rent free house whilst he sorts out his life.How long were you together before he moved in?

It does take time to separate lives and it's good that they are amciable.I think your gut is saying something isnt right but you are putting the focus on "stuff" rather than listening to your instinct.

Btw, finances are not tilted towards one partner unless he agrees, the starting point is 50:50 so don't let him plead poverty and blame his ex wife for "taking him to the cleaners".It doesn't work like that, no matter now much he may try to spin it.

My friends ex told everyone she was holding up the divorce and wouldn't give him back his stuff.The OW was pretty shocked when my friend showed up at his house with all of his stuff in her car, with the emails that proved she had been negotiating to get it all removed.The ex had stalled because HE wanted a reason to visit the family home.

Original poster
hopethingsgetbetter · 13/04/2018 14:46

Thanks lifebeginsat50 yes, I think that is what it is, except that in my case both he and his ex are wanting him to keep visiting the family home. They have grown up children who unfortunately live at the family home still. I totally understand that he needs to see his grown up children, but I wish it wasn't in her home. What happened to your friends lifebeginsat50? I feel that my situation is unfair to me because my ex-husband and I divorced and I properly moved out at his request to enable him to 'get on with his life'. I personally had to make several painful visits to my old family home and I had to carry my possessions out of the house, mindful of the fact that the neighbours were probably watching. I know that leaving home is hard because I've done it, but I think to properly make a clean break is the honest and respectful thing to do. Thank you all for your support.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/04/2018 14:51

How long have you been together? Very odd that his children are advising you to issue these ultimatums...

Original poster
hopethingsgetbetter · 13/04/2018 15:14

We were friends for a long time before we got together. Yes I agree its odd that his children give advice. I think it is because they had a long history of seeing what their parents were like together (before I was on the scene) and they felt it was dysfunctional.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 13/04/2018 15:37

Sorry op you misunderstood me. If I were him I wouldn't have moved on because you demanded it? Why would you want to live with a man who you had to force into it?

BitOutOfPractice · 13/04/2018 15:38

And I must ask my ExH to move his old vinyl out of the loft after 12 years.

PerfectPenquins · 13/04/2018 15:49

How long have you been together? Why are you so into his divorce settlement it’s between the two of them not you. Why do you want his vehicles at yours? How does that effect you? What do you think will happen when he is at the ex’s house? This seems like a dead end rebound relationship full of drama.

Crispbutty · 13/04/2018 15:53

Were you the other woman? You sound quite insecure. Presumably he lived in his family home for many years and his children still live there. You can’t expect him to remove every trace from that home. Are you worrying that he is about to jump back into bed with his ex?

Original poster
hopethingsgetbetter · 13/04/2018 16:47

No, BitOutOfPractice, I didn't misunderstand. I agree with you. Neither would I. I didn't demand it. No, crispbutty, I wasn't the other woman, but yes, I am insecure. No, I'm not worried that he will jump back into bed with his ex - if he wanted to do that he would do it. Nobody made him leave her, least of all me.

OP posts:
Purplehammer · 13/04/2018 16:51

He’s probably shagging one of the high maintainance hobby vehicles.

RainyApril · 13/04/2018 16:52

Have I understood correctly, that he visits the marital home to visit his grown up dc, and stores vintage cars in the garage? Because if so I can't see what you're so upset about.

I'm still storing books, records, sports equipment and other stuff for dh despite the fact that he now lives with a new dp. I hope she's not cross about it because it means precisely nothing to either of us.

Crispbutty · 13/04/2018 16:57

So I really don’t see what the issue is. He’s never going to cut all ties with her. Petty things like this can ruin a relationship. Unless he is going there daily or for no real reason then why worry. It means your house is less cluttered!

Original poster
hopethingsgetbetter · 13/04/2018 17:01

Ok I'm going to leave this discussion. I was looking for some alternative perspectives which some comments have very helpfully provided. I genuinely want to know if I am being unreasonable but now I feel like I'm just defending myself. Yes cripbutty he was going there daily and yes it was for no real reason. You're just belittling me and being crude and unhelpful Purplehammer.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 13/04/2018 17:03

Seriously OP, you sound like hard work.

ExH and I parted 11 years ago. He still has stuff in the garage and loft here. It's no skin off my nose. We have all sorts of ties together - 2 kids to start with. We still chat on the phone. Text each other and have achat when he comes to pick the kids up. I can assure yu that we have no intention of getting back together. We both have happy relationships with others.

Your OH is still going through a messy divorce. He's already got enough on his plate without you hassling him about where he keeps his cars because really, at the moment, that just doesn't matter. Why not butt out of his divorce?

You still haven't said how long you've been together as a couple

Original poster
hopethingsgetbetter · 13/04/2018 17:09

We have been together for a year BitOutOfPractice. Yes, I am sure I am hard work (thanks very much for that!!!) - I feel the situation has driven me to it though. I also have an ex who is married again and who has two other children in addition to our daughter and we are on very good terms, so I do know that it is perfectly possible for ex's to interact like normal people and to treat each other with respect. Yes, as you put it, I do need to butt out of his divorce. The reason fyi that I affects me is that he has been living rent free at my house for 6 months.

OP posts:
PartyRingss · 13/04/2018 17:24

This all sounds a bit too rushed imo. Am I right in saying this guy, for the first 6 months or so was living in his soon to be ex wife's house? Then moved into your house after only 6 months of being with you (is your dd also living with you?) for no other reason other than because it then meant he wasn't living with his ex?

It all sounds too soon and mentally and perhaps emotionally he hasn't moved on yet. Divorce takes it out on you and it doesn't sound like he's ready to be in another long term relationship yet but also doesn't want to be on his own too.

RainyApril · 13/04/2018 18:00

But you can't complain about him living with you rent-free when the only reason that happened is because you couldn't bear him to remain in the family home until the finances/divorce were finalised.

This is why a lot of people won't get involved with someone in the early stages of separation, it's too messy.

But, since you are, I think you need to accept that he's got a ton of stuff to sort out and moving his cars isn't currently a priority. It is, in fact, rather petty to be insisting on it and issuing ultimatums.

Crispbutty · 13/04/2018 18:01

The issue is his taking the piss by living rent free with you. If he moves more stuff in it will be harder to get rid of him!

PerfectPenquins · 13/04/2018 18:06

But that's what you wanted! You didnt want him living with the ex so played the pick me dance and offered free lodgings to this man.