AIBU - Asking partner to move his stuff out of his ex's house

[hopethingsgetbetter]

My partner is in the lengthy process of getting divorced. However his ex has told him that she is happy for him to live in her house and to keep his things there. Unsurprisingly I am not happy for this, so he moved in with me but he hasn't moved his stuff out. He is particularly reluctant to move his (several) high-maintenance, vintage hobby vehicles out of her garage. I try to be calm and reasonable but probably about once a week I loose it and give him ultimatums. My friends, his sister and his daughters have all told me that I should give ultimatums and stick to them. I don't want to do that because I would rather be in a relationship with a volunteer than a conscript and I want him to take responsibility for his decisions. I have repeatedly said to him that if he wants to go back to his old life then to please do so and he has clearly said that he doesn't, but he does not seem to be capable of making a clean break. I guess I know what people will say to me, but I feel that I need to get this off my chest.

Sorry for being so blunt hopethingsgetbetter. I was in AIBU mode and that was far too harsh. Apologies.

I think you know what I'm going to say though don't you? One year is just too soon to be getting involved in his finances and divorce. Butt out. Six months is too soon to be living together. For you or your child. He didn't "force you". You insisted because you believed he shouldn't be living with his ex. Stop issuing these ultimatums. They are pointless.

If I were you I'd be taking a big step back, including telling him to find and pay for his own place

You practically had him in a headlock and forced him to move in with you, and now you're unhappy that he's lived with you rent free for 6 months while keeping his belongings at his Ex's home.

So unhappy at his lack of financial contribution, that you've offered to rent him a garage to keep his cars?

The problem here is you've forced the relationship to this point and now you're insecure, so you're focussing on where he's storing his belongings rather than the real issues.

Wow. This relationship has not had room to breathe! Of course you are insecure about all this.

But you’ve got NO bargaining chips left because he is now living with you rent free so you can’t let this relationship grow in its own time.

I would not give a flying f*ck about where those cars live (haha!)

But I would be having to admit that played a role in this situation.

Having a man live with you is what you do after you are sure that the relationship is secure, solid, etc. not before. You probably thought it would help you feel more secure. Back to the drawing board there.

And having a man live with you rent free us something you do, ooh.. like.. never!

Comments taken on board, thanks folks. Most of which, to be honest, I had thought of myself but its good to see it in black and white. Its hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in a situation though. Thank you for your honesty.

He had to pay you rent or get his own place. That's the only way you can tell if he wants to be with you or just wants an easy free place to stay. Moving stuff won't tell you that.

Does he do his fair share of housework and cooking at yours?

He has to pay you rent or get his own place. Press that point. Drop talk of cars etc.

He has to pay his fair share OP... he's short changing you badly my lass... make him leave.. where he goes will show you who he is

But he can't afford his own place, that was why he had to stay in the marital home despite being separated from his wife. You've only got to browse this board for a couple of days to realise that situation isn't especially unusual. He only moved in with op because she didn't want him living with his ex wife.

Make him pay rent and bill money ... but protect your property as your relationship isn’t going to last by the looks of it.

Can't afford his own place? I doubt that. More like doesn't like the standard of place he would get and doesn't like the idea of cutting back in other areas to afford it.

There aren't many families who have enough left at the end of the month to fund a second home. It's not unusual to have to wait for the finances to be sorted, during the divorce process, before the non-resident spouse can commit to a flat. Lots of stories on here of couples forced to live together during separation until the marital home is sold.

If op won't allow that, and is tired of funding him financially or thinks he's dragging his feet, she should call it a day imo.

Ex left for OW. He lived with her many miles away and close to his work. We had two children and he continued to pay the mortgage on our home for the whole of their childhood. He visited twice a week and had lots of his personal belongings at the house. Neither of us wanted to return to being married although we didn’t divorce for about 12 years.
You see OP he didn’t think of the OW as long term although they did actually manage to limp along for a few years. He was certainly what MN would call a cocklodger with her and never paid rent or contributed to their household. He just didn’t have any money left. But to be honest more fool her. I wouldn’t have tolerated it for one minute.
I was quite happy with the situation. We had a lot in common having been together for years before we split and were always comfortable around each other. The kids had a strong and loving relationship with him. The only person who came out badly was the OW. Ah well

OP, you refer to the house as 'her' house and offered to pay to rent 'her' garages but if I've understood correctly, your DP isn't yet divorced? If they are still in the process of sorting things financially, is the family home not still 'his' too?