Do they ever come back?

[PhonixK]

Recently split from my husband. We've been having a shit few months and he's had enough and left. Doesn't want to try again or do counselling. Nothing.

Do they ever come back after some space or do I just have to accept he won't?

I'm getting on with my life with my 3 dc and not showing him the affect it's having on me.

He's been asking the oldest how I'm doing and comes to get the dc and will stay for a bit have a conversation then go.

He has took his ring off which hurt but I haven't mentioned it to him.

I don't want to get my hopes up so I am telling myself he won't and I need to sort everything out.

So you gaslighted him? I personally would not ever come back if someone did that to me. Obviously I can’t speak for him, but you might have blown it. That’s a deal-breaker for many people.

you said he was depressed, couldn't fit in family and on top of that the other issue happened I think he couldn't handle it.
I think he is in neutral grounds, he can swing out or back although he took out his ring. do you keep yours? keep it on and show him you are still upset but don't go over the top of begging him, keep it with dignity.
you say you adore him, I hope he will come back soon.

It's very early days. He hasn't really figured out what he's stands to lose treating you like this.
I have seen this before.
Wife wrote 'daft' meaningless stuff on social media messages
Husband sees it. Shit hits the fan etc.
They didn't split but was on the cards. Couple of years on things they are closer than ever.
So yes it can happen but the best advise is to find your happy space / be the person he fell in love with. Make sure to do things for you that make you happy. Good luck x

I think the devil is in the detail on this one.

And it depends what you said

If it was something like ‚‘oooh that mr Darcy is gorgeous, the only reason if kick him out of bed is to shag him on the floor‘
I’d say that was just chit chat with a mate, and if you then knew DH is the sort of chap to get his knickers in a twist , well yep I’d lie about that too. It’s no different to claiming the kids must have eaten the chocolate and stuffing the wrapper under the sofa cushion.

In tha case I’d think he was looking for an excuse to leave and it was going to happen no matter what. Sooner or later.

If you were discussing how to snog yr sexy neighbour at a party, then yes I think that would be overstepping the mark and he is right to be upset.

Probably one of two things. Either he had already disengaged emotionally from the marriage whether OW was involved or just wanted out and the whole situation with the messages and your subsequent dishonesty and gaslighting was a convenient excuse to leave without looking like the bad guy. Or he just felt the dishonesty and gaslighting was something he could not move past and you have broken his trust. OP have you given him a reason to distrust you in the past? And No they generally don't come back.

You said that he asked your Dd how you were getting on. That may mean that he cares about you still.
You also said that you put a brave face on it so he doesn't know how upset you are about him leaving.
Do you think that might appear to him that you don't care that he's gone?
Unless he's lying and there is OW there is still a chance I think that he would come back.

You could just ask him how he's feeling as things are and say that you're still finding it difficult to cope with it.
You'll have some idea then by his reaction, if it doesn't go favourably, I think that you have your answer to get on with your own life.

I think it's impossible to say without knowing his nature and the real reason why he came back from working away feeling depressed.

But I think pinning your hopes on him returning would be a massive mistake. At most, I would tell him that you still love him and that you're open to going to counselling with a view to making your marriage work, but start planning for life on your own as a single parent.

I know you've taken him rummaging about in the cupboards for food and asking the DC how you are as positive signs, but I don't think those signs are anywhere near as strong as him removing his wedding ring and telling you that he does not want to try again are. He's not coming back my lovely 💐

Gaslighting would be a deal breaker for me aswell. It was never my intention to make him feel that way and if I had known that's how be felt I would have told him well before I did. That doesn't excuse my behaviour I know I messed up. I've never gave him any reason in 11 years to not trust me. I think he was shocked when he read it.

It was stuff like oh yeah so and so is really good looking, huge muscles, that type of thing.

My main goal is to get my life and my kids sorted. I have 6 months max before I have to move out of the house and hope I get somewhere for us to live without changing schools (only started new ones 6 months ago).

I'm just like any other wife who has been left and still loves their husband, there's always going to be hope that he comes home. Eventually I'll be fine but just now I'm not really.

Thanks everyone for your input/advice I appreciate it

Really op the more you say, the more this screams OW. The working away, the disengagement when he came back, the looking for reasons to leave, his behaviour since. I would assume an OW is not possible but probable.

And op, you will be ok. I promise

I think you're best to assume he won't come back. It doesn't sound like he's engaged in the relationship, may be try to discuss with him.

He's not coming back, OP.

I did exactly what you're doing with exDH. I hoped. I assumed that his comfort with me and caring about me meant that we were finding our way back home to each other. Good grief, I had no idea that he'd moved in with his girlfriend. I was slow on the uptake and DC1 didn't mention anything. Never assume, OP.

I have 6 months max before I have to move out of the house and hope I get somewhere for us to live without changing schools (only started new ones 6 months ago).
He'd have made a move by now to prevent this from happening to you and the kids. He's not coming back. You're moving out, the kids may or may not be changing schools, he's not made any move towards a reunion and the sand in your hourglass timer is running down... you really need to move on (How hard is it? So f*cking hard. I've been there). And for your own peace of mind, when you move, don't let him in the house. You need distance from him. He's the kids' dad now, nothing else but that. He doesn't need to come in for cups of tea or a nose through your cupboard. You need to heal and part of that healing and moving on means putting distance between you and him. This will be easy to do once you move into YOUR place. You've got to be a bit tough (it will help you hurt less). You just can't wonder anymore why he left. It won't change the outcome and it will only cause you so much pain. You poor soul. I feel for you. I've been in your place and it is agonising. I am remarried... it's years ago now and DC1 will be going into Sixth Form. But I still have the very odd flutter of sadness. We were so in love. It all failed so spectacularly and so miserably. I don't even really remember why. But time moves on, reliable ally that it is, and pulls you away from the acute pain you're feeling now. You will be more than ok, really. You've just got to ride the wave until you return to a smooth, steady shoreline where you'll find your footing again. Best of luck to you, always.

I think if you felt the need to lie because you knew he would 'lecture you' then there was already a lot of wrong in your marriage.

I think you need to reconcile yourself to the fact that you are over, rebuild your life, and maybe find yourself someone who doesn't lecture his life partner. Because that's a revolting trait.

Thank you.

I had such an amazing time today with the dc. We went to aquarium then for ice cream and a drive around the coast before coming home. He text me to ask how the kids were and if they had fun we had normal conversation.

I then thought it was a good time to apologise for what I had done so I did. I even said this is not me asking or hinting for you to come home. He he told me thanks let's focus on the kids. And i stupidly told him how I was feeling which led to me being called pathetic and making everything weird.

I've been in tears because I let myself show how hurt I am and it's been thrown in my face. I can't even believe he was the same man I fell on love with and the one person I wanted to grow old with

Well that was mean.
Hey ho. If that's the way he wants to play it .......
Hold your head up.
Be fair. Be firm. Be happy.
And know you've done nothing wrong.
You deserve Better.
And if anyone is bring pathetic- it's him.
Hugs. You are a strong woman and a fantastic mum.
He at the moment is ridiculous......

Thank you. I'm so angry and upset. I thought he was better than this.

He came in just as I sent the last message. Without telling me he was coming round. Went up to the kids told them he was taking them swimming tomorrow and then came down and asked for a packet of crisps like a child. So I told him.no and he walked out slammed the door then came back and "reminded" me I had to give him money on Wednesday (for a bill) I just yup and he walked out and slammed the door again then drove off.

Actually feel sorry for whoever has to look after the manchild after this

I think you have just had your answer .
I think you sound abit low and lonely 😞
Stay strong your going to need it with your children. Take each day as it comes and move forward. I expect in 2 years from now you will be surprised at how strong you are and how well you coped.

I really think you are well shot of him. It's a shame when they show their true colours or change from the person they used to be, but it does happen.

I'm going through divorce myself, hoping to get decree nisi soon. It's a bit different because he's an alcoholic, my DDs are a lot older and don't want him around because of his drink problem, but honestly - life without him in it is so much better. When your partner isn't your partner anymore, you learn that you can overcome anything and you can cope alone and make a better life for yourself. It's like a shadow lifting. You will get there too.

I really have had my answer. I actually can't believe this is happening.

I love the way so many posters are finding a way to blame your husband when YOU lied, gaslighted him, and only admitted it when he had the evidence you couldn't hide from him anymore.

Of course he would be wondering what the fuck else you have lied about, and if it went further than you now claim but he couldn't find the evidence. As everyone here admits, people misbehaving only own up to the minimum they have to.

Hmmm. He's not projecting is he? It seems very odd to me. And he's cleverly made it all your fault too. I'd be thinking "other woman" personally

Exactly the kind of shite I'm talking about. You would never say this to the OP if her husband had done this to her. You would seriously lie like fuck to your husband, gaslight him, then think he must be cheating when he decides he can no longer trust you as a result? My fucking arse.

And the OP seizes her chance to jump onto the victim bandwagon:

I even said this is not me asking or hinting for you to come home. He he told me thanks let's focus on the kids. And i stupidly told him how I was feeling which led to me being called pathetic and making everything weird.

He made it very clear he did not want to talk about it right then, and you ignored him. He was fucked off with you for ignoring his stated wish not to discuss it.

Put yourself in his place. You caught him lying and gaslighting you, you don't trust him. He then tries to talk about it. You say you don't want to. He starts doing it anyway, talking about his feelings.

Tell me you would not think he was manipulating you as you did when you gaslighted him over those messages. Tell me you wouldn't be really fucked off that he didn't respect your request.

He may have over-reacted, he may be wrong, but can you honestly say you would never feel that way in his place?

Your willingness to leap from liar and gaslighter to lectured victim reeks.

He was wrong to hack into your FB and read messages between you and your mates. I bet my OH's ears would burn if he heard 1/2 the stuff I talk about with my mates. It's not all 'delicate' talk why would or should it be?

Your DH was looking for an excuse to end it and very conveniently he's now got you beating yourself up over it.

He may or may not come back but do you want to be with a judgmental snoop? I'd say different if he'd caught you having an affair of some sort but he hasn't, has he? Get on with your life as you may just find he will move on with his. If what you are saying is true and he'd ended your marriage over this incident then sorry, I do think he already had plans and those plans include another woman.

Don't ever let him pop in and out of your life. As hard as it is, move on and don't define your whole life via him.

Do you really want him to come back? You weren't happy together. He's walked out on you. What does that say about how highly he values you? About whether he loves you? Don't you deserve better?!

Yes you might patch things up for a few months or a year, but most men will be sleeping with other women during a 'break' and then you'll have all the headfuckery of him lying to you about that and...

Basically, for your sake, and for the kids, I think you need to lick your wounds, mend your broken heart, as impossible as that seems now. Take time to heal and vent here as much as you like. I was also heartbroken at first, it was bloody horrible - but I'm 4 years down the line and things are so much better. I'm in charge of my own life and my own happiness now - I'm not relying on a miserable git to make me happy. And my children are (for the most part) much happier too.

I'm not a victim here I know that. And I don't hate him for leaving. Yeah I stupidly said things to him but I'm all over the place. Sue me.

Yeah I lied to him but I never once intentionally "gaslighted" him. Not once did he tell me he felt like he was going crazy. If he had or I even had the slightest bit of knowledge that's how he was feeling I would have came.clean long before I did.

I've gone about things the wrong way and I know that. In my gut I don't believe there is someone else but when you have people tell you that then you do think what if?

I'm a human who made a massive mistake in her relationship. It wasn't done to manipulate him or make him go crazy or hurt him. I already know that I was the one who shit on this relationship.

I was afraid to tell him because I didn't want to lose him, I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to admit the truth. I was a coward and trust me I know this. I was selfish and only thought of me. Again I know this.

He isn't perfect either. Infact not at all through this have I once thrown in his face about what he done when I was pregnant. I chose to forgive and forget that and move on with my relationship.

I'm not the victim he is. I know this

Mrsd you've actually made sense to me know that I have got off my high horse. You're right in what you have said. I do get defensive by the way because I know I haven't lied about anything major (to me). It's the lying that's the problem, not what was said. My head is all over the place because I'm really realising what I have actually done to my marriage and now I'm facing the consequences, I can't say he would be if it was the other way round. I'm one of those people who forgive others mistakes and I suppose in my head I think he should forgive me because I have him and would again? I don't know if that makes the slightest bit of sense. I just need to pull my big girl panties up and leave him to it, stop talking to him about "us" and get on with my life and let him live his