Why does he keep doing this?

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So things between OH and I are poor, very poor. Historically he has been incredibly cruel in things he said to me, he balances this (in his mind) by being lovely in other areas.

Due to his treatment and a very poor upbringing, I have decided to get some counselling. I've found this useful, I am learning that I cannot control what my husband says to me, that's for him to do. She's making me evaluate my upbringing and thoughts on marriage. I do feel so much calmer, someone telling you that what's been said to you was uncalled for, unreasonable and that I don't have to accept or in anyway take on board the comments, does help.

I've felt much less clingy, previously I'd be constantly seeking love and attention from DH, but I'm "calmer". I'd stress if he was not talking to me or we were arguing. I don't feel that now. As a positive we are not arguing, in part I think because maybe I am slowing leaving the relationship in my mind?

So, we are no longer arguing, on the face of it we seem happier, I've not told him I love him for some weeks now. Not because I don't love him anymore, but because I don't love him like I used to, I don't crave his love anymore, I'm not desperate to hear him respond. I now see his incredibly cruel words for what they were a way to control me, to make me a lesser person to him.

This man doesn't discuss the situation with me face to face, previously when I was trying in the marriage I would ask him why he said the things that hurt so much, he would massively down play it. He'd previously said if the marriage fails it's my fault, because I lack forgiveness (forget the 20 times I did forgive). He says my religion says I should forgive. I no longer bother with this argument with him, don't need to get involved with any of this stuff anymore.

Now, he has taken to texting me everyday for about three weeks, saying I love you. I NEVER respond, I don't want to and I now know I don't have to. He's never mentioned the lack of response or asked me have things changed or anything. Just these texts. I've gone from feeling sorry for him and the situation, to just eye rolling "oh for goodness sake" to today......I got the text and I literally growled in anger.

I want him to stop doing it, it's winding me up. Should I just say stop? The problem is that I'm concerned that by doing this, I am opening a line of communication and it will end in a row. I'm literally done with arguing with him about what's happened and I simply don't want to open that communication again, I'm dealing with it now, without him. Do I just text back, please stop sending these texts? Not what I want to do, seems a pathetic way of communicating. Or do I just carry on ignoring and deleting them?

So what would you do?

Also we've not had sex for weeks, I just don't want to and again I don't have to. He's not said a word about this.

Do you think he's just burying his head in the sand and thinks by saying nothing "I'll get over this" as I usually would after one of his cruel attacks?

We are away in holiday in a couple of weeks, I'm strangely not dreading that, previously I'd have been anxious if things weren't good between us. Now, I'm like shrug my shoulders, yeah we will go away but I'm not going to stress, it's not going to be like other holidays where it was all faux I love yous.

I think you know it's time to leave him. Even if the behaviour is no longer controlling you, the way he has been acting isn't acceptable - and it's only now he sees you ready to do what's best for you that he's putting in the effort that should have been there from the start.

You sound like you've become really strong, it's fantastic the counselling has helped you with this and honestly you sound like someone ready to look after themselves now. Well done

What I mean is, it sounds like this is his last-ditch effort to try and get you back under is control.

Your own poor upbringing (you perhaps also sought approval from your parents who never gave it) likely also taught you some very damaging lessons on relationships which led you to being with this man as well. He may well be scarily similar as to how your parents are. You've basically stopped responding to him so as not to cause any further arguments.

Its not your fault if the marriage ends; he has caused that anyway by his actions which you are not and have never been responsible for either.

Is this counsellor really knowledgeable about abuse in relationships because I am wondering if this person is at all being helpful to you at all.

This whole relationship sounds utterly miserable. Why are you and he still together at all; are you codependent?. What is keeping you with him at all now, what are you still getting from this relationship?.

@BreakfastAtLitanies, I used to cry everyday about my situation, going over and over his cruel words and trying to rationalise them.

Your kind words brought tears to my eyes, I then suddenly realised I can't remember the last time I cried.

Would you want to go on holiday with him anyway?. Why say at all that you would go away with him?.

Oh bless you. I don't comment on posts in relationships but reading this I did feel almost proud at how strong you seemed about the situation. I think you're ready to finally stop trying to appease him - you know you never will truly be able to anyway, he just wants to control you. Take care of yourself first now

You have likely become inurred or conditioned to his abuse of you. By being around him at all now it still gives him opportunities to try and further control you via his current method of texting as you are not responding.

BTW do you have children?

@AttilaTheMeerkat the counsellor is very good at understanding the abuse, it's her that's making me just withdraw. I'm finding I'm not stressed about it, I'm just dealing day to day but totally calmly. I think this is just going to mean that naturally the relationship is going to end. It's still quite early days, so I'm not prepared to finish it yet. But I do now see an end in sight.

But I want these ridiculous texts to end, they are beginning to get to me. I know given everything else they are just a minor thing, but I don't like them.

Is it not a good opportunity to text back, sorry but I don't love you any more?

@AttilaTheMeerkat , grown up children.

@niceupthedance, maybe. I suppose if I'm honest I don't want that conversation, I'm being a coward but he must realise by now that this is the beginning of the end?

Wow op you have learned what works!

It's not what he says and does now but how you react to it.

If you view him and his actions as someone with more issues than you can possibly deal with unless you retrained as a mental health nurse, then you can put him and his actions in a sad, pathetic box and just feel pity for him when he tries to get you to react.

Best ignore, sigh, look at him with pity and shake your head as your form of engagement until you make your move to end it.

You are right, he is burying his head in the sand, texting everyday and hoping you get over it.
Personally it does sound like you are detaching, I went through this and it became complete indifference to him. Then I saw a solicitor and got some very good advice and made my plan to leave. Been separated over a year now and life is good!
Needless to say he will think you sre overreacting etc etc, but you know what, life is for living and you sound more than capable of being happy without him constantly bringing you down.
Good luck, op, and keep ignoring the texts. This is him 'trying desperately' to win you round, bit pathetic really isnt it?

@AttilaTheMeerkat, the holiday was booked long before I started the counselling. It was before this shift in me.

His texts are seemingly a minor thing given all that has happened before now but its really more of the same from him towards you.

I think you could well be still with him in a year's time if you want this to come to a natural end and that won't do you any good at all. He does not want this relationship with you to end because he still wants you around to control and abuse. He is now further using texting as a means to try and control you; any contact you have with him simply gives him an in to try and control you some more. You will ultimately have to end this relationship yourself because he does not and will not let go of you, his chosen target, at all easily.

He does this also because he can; you are still around him taking this from him. It is hard to leave but fear of him and leaving is not as bad as the reality of staying with him.

You still do not have to go on holiday with him; your name can and infact should be removed from the booking. Is a week or fortnight in the sun worth that much given that you will be also away from any support network in the shape of this counsellor?.

@Ruddygreattiger2016 and @fluffyrobin, both are how I feel.

The only thing is that the texts are now making me angry. I don't want to feel anger again, I'm in a better place now.

And yes, you're right, I can't control him, I'm never going to try and stop him again. If he wants to says nasty cruel things, that he knows hits me hard, then do it. It's funny, one of his responses when I'd be upset about cruel things he said about me was "well if you think they are not true, why do they bother you". I now know they are not true (some are, I do need to lose weight, but being called fat and ugly is not constructive) I'm not going to let them bother me.

I would also think your now grown up children wonder what on earth you are still doing with their dad. Why do you continue to put him seemingly and above you?.

He does not and will not realise that this is to you the beginning of the end of your relationship with him. He wants absolute over you OP and he will never let go of you at all easily; you're going to have to be the one to end it and make a complete break from him.

He can still hurt you OP even via text; words also can cut deep too and you've had many years of abuse and mistreatment from him. Its more than ok to feel anger at him, it can be a healthy emotion in the right circumstances. You still react to his words even if its huffing about them or otherwise giving him no response. He knows he still has you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat , for a huge reason I can't do anything until August. I hear what you are saying about the holiday, I will strongly consider it. It's strange though as I feel I could take or leave the holiday, previously when he's been nasty to me, I would've been in my mind saying "I'm not going"but I'm so not bothered now.

I'd not thought about being away from my counsellor thought, that's a good point.

You going on holiday with him takes you away from any support network you have built up i.e. this counsellor you are seeing. I would reconsider the holiday particularly if the accommodation as well is for instance one hotel room with a double bed.

Realise as well that staying with him until August will give you more of the same and similar behaviour from him until that time. Its more opportunity for him to invade your headspace. You may well have really good reasons for saying August in your mind and its a cut off point but for your own sake do not stay beyond that month.

Thanks Attila, I hear what you are saying.

If you cannot do anything until August use the time wisely to look properly at your options if you do split. See a solicitor if you can and gather as much info as possible, you may well be surprised and relieved being armed with the practical steps needed to end it and make the life YOU want.

So until then just ignore the texts?