Why does he keep doing this?

[Resultreturn]

So things between OH and I are poor, very poor. Historically he has been incredibly cruel in things he said to me, he balances this (in his mind) by being lovely in other areas.

Due to his treatment and a very poor upbringing, I have decided to get some counselling. I've found this useful, I am learning that I cannot control what my husband says to me, that's for him to do. She's making me evaluate my upbringing and thoughts on marriage. I do feel so much calmer, someone telling you that what's been said to you was uncalled for, unreasonable and that I don't have to accept or in anyway take on board the comments, does help.

I've felt much less clingy, previously I'd be constantly seeking love and attention from DH, but I'm "calmer". I'd stress if he was not talking to me or we were arguing. I don't feel that now. As a positive we are not arguing, in part I think because maybe I am slowing leaving the relationship in my mind?

So, we are no longer arguing, on the face of it we seem happier, I've not told him I love him for some weeks now. Not because I don't love him anymore, but because I don't love him like I used to, I don't crave his love anymore, I'm not desperate to hear him respond. I now see his incredibly cruel words for what they were a way to control me, to make me a lesser person to him.

This man doesn't discuss the situation with me face to face, previously when I was trying in the marriage I would ask him why he said the things that hurt so much, he would massively down play it. He'd previously said if the marriage fails it's my fault, because I lack forgiveness (forget the 20 times I did forgive). He says my religion says I should forgive. I no longer bother with this argument with him, don't need to get involved with any of this stuff anymore.

Now, he has taken to texting me everyday for about three weeks, saying I love you. I NEVER respond, I don't want to and I now know I don't have to. He's never mentioned the lack of response or asked me have things changed or anything. Just these texts. I've gone from feeling sorry for him and the situation, to just eye rolling "oh for goodness sake" to today......I got the text and I literally growled in anger.

I want him to stop doing it, it's winding me up. Should I just say stop? The problem is that I'm concerned that by doing this, I am opening a line of communication and it will end in a row. I'm literally done with arguing with him about what's happened and I simply don't want to open that communication again, I'm dealing with it now, without him. Do I just text back, please stop sending these texts? Not what I want to do, seems a pathetic way of communicating. Or do I just carry on ignoring and deleting them?

So what would you do?

Yep. If that is him being romantic and trying to win you over it's a really effortless token gesture. It is irrelevant it means nothing to you now.

And maybe change his name on your phone to 'pathetic bully'

Not that I want him to try, I really don't! But it's pathetic isn't it?

He has probably forgotten that I'm a real live living person with feelings and emotions. I had forgotten until recently.

He knows I'm getting counselling and asked once a cursory how's it going.... I just said the most valuable thing she's teaching me is that I can't control you, I can only control my own feelings and reaction. He fell silent!

Right till the very day I walked out of my long & quite awful marriage, my H told me he loved me - nearly every day in fact.

At first I'd say it back to him, then I would just say Thank You, after a while I'd not say anything.

He didn't really love me - he loved himself. He never did very much that SHOWED me he loved me.

Current (& fairly new) man never tells me he loves me - he tells me he Really Likes me, that he Fancies The Arse off me, he Loves My Sense Of Humour & so on & it seems so much more believable!

He is kind & helpful & much more loving in every way than H ever was.

@PussGirl , he no more loves me than he loves toothache! It's just parrot fashion saying it, no meaning, no depth, nothing.

I now know that love is NOT taking your wife's most sensitive and inner feelings and ridiculing them, it's not using horrible events against me.

If he thinks love is texting everyday for months, I love you, he's wrong so very wrong.

Before if I was upset I'd answer, well if you love me why did you do ......whatever. I'm no longer angry, I simply don't care.

I would ignore and delete the messages.
This is because you seem to be regaining your power and I would be loathed to do anything to put this at risk. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. The texts are annoying but rise above it - do not react.

How far are you along with this therapy? Are you making plans to leave? Have you prepared for this - having some money to fall back on? Are your ducks lined up? Don't use this time to engage with him, continue to invest in yourself.

@whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 , we are older so property will just be split. I've got my ducks in a row, know where I want to live. Know the cost etc, my income will be fine to cover it.

I've lived with this too long but at least I now have options.

I just want to send a hug and some encouragement! The process of counselling can take a long time, to gradually undo all the damage to your self esteem and restore your confidence in yourself, but you are making huge strides. Feeling angry with him is a good start - you are no longer emotionally numb, or accepting his crap view of your worth. You are well on your way to disengaging from this manipulative emotional abuser. I am particularly chuffed to hear you visualising a future away from him, even if you're not quite there yet.
I don't think it will be much longer, OP. Keep your chin up, keep making progress, and be v proud of yourself for how far you've come already.
God bless, and please accept my prayers for your new happy future.

@Babdoc , thank you xx

Wow.....this post hits home with me!
Same situation, partner has been very emotionally abusive towards me, said cruel nasty things, planting seeds in my head that make me subconsciously afraid to leave. We have a young child together and he has used our child as a stick to beat me with, he knows this is the only way he can get to me.
I’m starting counselling next week as I have been feeling so down and want to understand why I put up with these dysfunctional relationships, I need to find myself again and gain some strength.
Like you, I do love him, but not in the same way I used to and also don’t respond to his ‘I love yous’ which are frequent, why should I?
He knows I’m starting counselling and has made a comment about me leaving him when I feel ‘better’ basically he knows he’s done a number on me and is shitting himself.
Like you, I’m feel numb in the relationship, we don’t argue anymore cause I don’t take offence to his bull shit anymore, things feel calm and I guess where ok but think Ive just shut down and need someone to talk me through my emotions and the situation.
Good luck to you. Hope you figure out what it is you need to do x

@Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears are you me????

I also got that comment about counselling! I also needed to understand why I stayed with the abuse!

One thing, I will warn you......at first the counselling hurts! You have to be open and honest and things will come back that you think you'd forgotten. Stay with it, cry when you have to, take yourself off when you have to. But be nice to yourself, walk in the park, a coffee, a film.

Good luck

It grinds you down doesn’t it.
Thank you.....I’m so ready for the counselling. The way he has made me feel and the things he says has made me feel like even if we split he will always have some control over my life, think he thinks that because we have a child together that it means he will a hold on me, which at this moment in time feels true.
I need a good kick up the arse!

@Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears , he can only have control if you let him. I'm learning that now.

Glad I found this thread, I'm a bit further on in the process, I left my partner in November last year after discovering that he was coercively controlling and emotionally manipulating me, it was all so underhand and well disguised it took me a while to figure it out. Through help from women's aid I got out. The backlash was horrendous, had to block him from every form of communication and children had to be handed over through parents. After 3 months I stupidly let my guard down and was taken by him again 🙁 all the sad faces, mr nice guy behaviour ect and I convinced myself it must have been me that was the problem so I got back with him. I realised after a few weeks the reality and that was nothing had changed!! Apart from I felt horrendous again so once again I've left him and am seeking support from women's aid to help with my thought processes as again I feel like I'm fantasising about good times that weren't really that god! Mentally I'm finding it so hard to break free but just wanted to say stay strong and get out, get your freedom back and seek support, I didn't think I needed it but I really do. I'm struggling to accept that he's an abuser, his thoughts are so engrained in my mind!!

@isitmee, very well done.

We went out last night a pre booked dinner. He does seem to be taking on board my shift away from him. He tried to hold my hand once, I managed to "remember" a need to rummage in my handbag for something so that swiftly came to an end. Then bizarrely he got into bed and started cuddling me (I've been making sure I've been going to bed before or after him), but that maybe habit.

In one way I'm glad he's not questioning me or pushing me to "come back" to him. In another I'm sad that I'm not worth fighting for?

Anyway, today is a bright sunny day and I'm going to enjoy it. I'm out and about a lot today so don't need to be too involved with him. Although we are invited to friends tonight so we will have to see where that goes.

I've cut back on drinking, I don't think it was helping me and I feel much more in control without it.

Have a good day everyone.

@isitmee he's abuse is not disguised it's blatant but then he plays it down and our marriage is failing because I lack forgiveness.

He's said some truly cruel things to me,

@resultreturn, so many things in your posts ring true for me. Realising you can’t control him and becoming free from the roller coaster is amazing. Well done
Just be careful, as he realises you are changing he may escalate the abuse. Leaving your marriage can be a dangerous time, you could consider talking to women’s aid if you haven’t already. It is great you feel calm etc but as Attila says this man can still hurt you, take care and stay safe xx

@Maggiepryor, thank you. I'm in a very very fortunate position that we have an alternative property that I can go to. I suppose that is giving me the calmness that I've got options.

It all feels a bit surreal, for years I've been beaten down, kept in place and tried to make him love me!

Ha, same here. Not as severe as what you have endured. But I was sleepwalking through my marriage for so long.