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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abuse...So you’ve blocked...but you feel awful...

38 replies

Wadingthroughshit · 12/04/2018 23:49

Hello again everyone.
I posted a few weeks ago looking for advice on resources for codependency...I will add the thread If it’s wanted (and if I can work it out!)
Anyway...I was meant to see ex tonight, but I have a massive panic attack, turned around, and went to see my friend, sent him a message basically saying “you don’t want a future with me, nor do you officially want to be with me, I love you and it’s too contradictory and is making me quite unwell so I wish you all the best, this is the end for me”

He broke up with me after I mentioned commitment after 18 months together including holidays and meeting families and him telling me he’s going to marry me ... but then told me he loves me, he doesn’t want things to change, I shouldn’t let the future change how things are now.

Visited woman’s aid today...said I’ve been abused emotionally and psychologically as well as sexually exploited.

I blocked, then after four hours answered a no caller ID phone call. He said he’d been in shock at first, but is now fed up of me, I’ve been a cunt and acted shity by not turning up when I was supposed to and I’m to lose his number.
Had another massive panic attack, dissociative and feel sick. It’s almost like Stockholm syndrome.

The crux is I kept running back to him. I had a massive break down around Christmas and now have a CPN and contact with intensive home treatment.
So my question is ... even when you know you’ve done the right thing, how do you get over the hurt ? Or can you tell me about your experiences of leaving an abusive relationship and feeling horrendous for it ?

OP posts:
OP posts:
Pinkvoid · 13/04/2018 00:12

It is difficult for anyone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship to understand why you find it so difficult to leave but it is exactly how you describe it, like Stockholm syndrome. The abuser is your captor and you are their victim but over time you attempt to minimise any abuse, normalise it and cherish the ‘good’ times. Or perhaps through their manipulation, they minimise it so you begin to believe you are being melodramatic or hypersensitive.

My abusive ex was also a psychopath so incredibly good at manipulating and contriving. He could twist and turn situations in whichever way he wished. I left him more times than I could say, particularly after he had been physically abusive but I could just never stay away. He would always play the sob card down the phone, tell me he would never do it again and beg for me to return so I would... My friends were at a loss with me, they didn’t know what to do anymore. I would turn to them for support but they just obviously couldn’t understand why I stayed with him and I suppose neither could I.

It was a truly horrible situation to be in and when I did finally leave for good I did what you did and blocked his number, threw all of this things away etc. I felt so empty for a while, I truly felt like something was missing. Then I suddenly realised that all that was missing was abuse. Abuse, control, deceit and manipulation. Things I did not want or need and from that I grew strong. Unfortunately he didn’t want to let go and stalked me for months before it escalated and he assaulted me in the street in broad daylight. I had to get the police involved and obtained a restraining order, thankfully never heard from him again.

I truly hope your ex leaves you alone but never underestimate the lengths they will go to to maintain control over you. My ex used friends phones to call me and even his dad’s house phone at one stage so I had to block many different numbers, it made me fearful (still to this day actually) of answering to unknown callers. He posted letters through my door, set up fake accounts on social media to try messaging me, followed me in his car more times than I can count (at one stage it was every day), would shout things at me in the street which was humiliating. It was all a bid to maintain his control and ensure I knew even though I had left, I couldn’t get rid of him. He loved the power, he loved the idea of me feeling frightened or powerless. They are absolute monsters.

Keep the number blocked, avoid unknown callers for the time being and if he comes near you- inform the police. Try and keep a low profile for the time being and hopefully he will go away. You have to remember that you do NOT need, want or deserve to be abused. You are worth more than this. Also lean on RL friends and family for support as much as possible and seek out counselling, you need it Flowers.

PrizeOik · 13/04/2018 00:22

It's normal to feel awful.

It's the same as withdrawing from drugs. It feels awful but that's a sign that you are withdrawing. It's positive.

The only cure is time.

IntelligentYetIndecisive · 13/04/2018 00:24

Block witheld numbers as well. Flowers

DumbleDee · 13/04/2018 06:41

I don't know the answers. Yes block and block all social media.

The comment about SHS is spot on as are the comments about minimising. We tend to filter out the bad stuff and focus on what we've lost.

I've started keeping a list of all the warped shitty abusive things he's done. It's hard seeing it in black and white but I add to it and read it daily to remind myself how toxic and unhealthy it was. It's very early days for me too. I don't think there's just one answer and I don't think it's quick xx

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 13/04/2018 08:40

Morning , thank you for commenting.
@DumbleDee i think I ought to start writing things down also that’s a good idea.
@Pinkvoid you poor soul, you sound like you were really dragged through it. How long were you with him for? Woman’s aid told me yesterday it usually takes 13 times of leaving before you leave for good. How long were you with this bastard for ? My friends also at a bit of a loss with me, my own mum told me she had considered not talking to me until I’d left.
I’m going to give myself a few days, but I would like to get in touch with his ex(s) ... he has three, one he was married to, next he was with for three years and last one seven years and she visited her parents 400 miles away then told him she wasn’t coming back. The recent ex made friends with the two previous ex’s afterwards and five years on her and my now ex are still at war over their son. The middle ex apparently kept leaving him too...I just thought it might be a validating discussion, even if the sexual abuse had been much worse than me, it’s help me feel less alone to know I wasn’t alone in his treatment. He always used to reiterate that he’s NEVER been like this before. Any experience of that? Also...he told me he still uses his middle ex’s Facebook to look at his last ex, he logs onto her Facebook.

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Namethecat · 13/04/2018 08:46

Perhaps for your own mh you shouldn't be contacting his ex's. All that you'd be talking about would be him, and that certainly won't get him out of your head. You need to see yesterday as the line drawn, a new beginning, a new stronger you.

Mary1935 · 13/04/2018 08:52

Hi Op his relationship history is clear AND he won't change. One moved 400 miles to get away from him. It says it all.
It will take time and no contact. Don't feel bad about staying with him previously - they are very convincing. However if you stay with him this is your future.
See if women's aid can offer you counselling and ask to go on The Freedom Programme.
Hope you are being supported by the community mental health team.

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 13/04/2018 09:21

Hi, woman’s aid are assigning me a case worker then I will start the freedom programme on the next block. I am also being referred to a rape case worker...however I’m not sure if that’s necessary, I will just be 100% honest and see what she says.
The ex’s thing...I’ve had a couple people say they had very validating conversations and it helped. I also have felt for a long time I have an obligation to tell that he’s been logging onto their Facebook.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 13/04/2018 09:24

I don’t know how to edit the title so it says possible triggers

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LuckyBitches · 13/04/2018 09:26

Well done Wading, you're making the right steps. I hope you know how strong you sound, although you might not be feeling it right now!

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 13/04/2018 17:17

Thank you @LuckyBitches i certainly don’t feel it. I’ve broken down multiple times today. He’s blocked me everywhere which makes me feel a level of despair even though I’ve blocked him. I know it’s awful but it helps to hear other people’s stories of being in a similar position , it’s really lonely!

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2018 17:23

Hi Wading are you having any counselling?

Sounds like you have had a right shit time of it. Really hope Women's Aid can help and you start to feel better soon.

Don't be afraid to lean on your friends too. I expect the last thing they want is for you to back to him!!! Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2018 17:25

And if you feel up to it, you should really tell middle ex about him logging onto her FB, that's awful! And stalky. Just tell her to change her password.

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 13/04/2018 17:57

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I have counselling every Tuesday although she’s on holiday for the next two weeks. Woman’s aid phoned today and I’m seeing my case worker on Tuesday...I started crying on the phone to her and then felt incredibly anxious so I’ve taken a few diazepam. My children come home today and I hate that I’m feeling like this for them.
I want to contact ex’s but I’m really really not sure how to broach it without causing upset or without them thinking I’m doing to cause him harm or to bad mouth him...I have no idea what to say?

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crazycoconut · 13/04/2018 18:23

OP, I don't have any advice but I am in the same boat, plus police and social services are involved in my case.

I haven't had any contact with him for a week and it's almost like I'm grieving. I desperately want to talk to him to try to get him to forgive me for going to the police again. I know it's ridiculous but I can't help it.

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 13/04/2018 18:40

Oh @crazycoconut what happened? I know what you mean, it is grief. Mine has been so terrible I’ve felt like I’ve been grieving for months. But you get waves that wash over you and feel as though you’ll be swallowed up, triggered by the smallest slights or no trigger, just pops into your head.

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Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 13/04/2018 18:41

Actually mumsnet is the only thing keeping me going

OP posts:
DumbleDee · 13/04/2018 18:45

I think we need a self help group ❤️

crazycoconut · 13/04/2018 18:54

I was in an abusive relationship with him for some time. Numerous professionals told me he was abusive but I wouldn't listen. Then in February he raped me and then sexually assaulted me when I tried to leave. I reported him to the police and he was subsequently arrested and released under investigation with a warning not to contact me. Which of course he didn't listen to.

I ended up going back to him but disclosed to Women's Aid. They contacted the police and he was then rearrested for witness intimidation. I haven't heard from him since.

The whole situation is a nightmare. You would think that in the circumstances I would want nothing to do with him but he's all I can't think about. I promised him I wouldn't go to the police about being back in contact with him and I feel horrifically guilty that I confirmed to the police that we were back together.

I hadn't dared post on here about it but then I saw your post and it really resonated with me.

crazycoconut · 13/04/2018 18:56

Today I'm wearing a necklace he bought me because I just want part of him with me. Whereas I know what I really should be doing is getting rid of everything Hmm

crazycoconut · 13/04/2018 18:57

I'm booked onto the Freedom Programme as well. Crossing my fingers that it will help.

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 14/04/2018 09:08

@crazycoconut that’s horrendous. Sorry I didn’t message back last night. You’ve been through so much, I can’t explain but I understand your need to be with him, it’s like Stockholm syndrome as I mentioned above, people start to feel protective of their captors and explain and rationalise their behaviours. Have you been to see a doctor? You absolutely know that despite the pain and heartache, it doesn’t matter that you may love him. No good will EVER come from this man or any affiliation with him. Have you spoken with people in RL?

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crazycoconut · 14/04/2018 12:07

Thanks wading

I feel like I've hijacked your thread somewhat.

I see a therapist every week so that helps. It's just the gaps in between appointments where I feel my resolve start to weaken that are the problem. I don't really have any friends I can talk to about it. My exH knows but I can't really talk freely with him as it's a bit odd!

I know I can't go back to him as social services have made it clear that I will almost certainly lose my DC if I do. And my rational mind knows that I shouldn't go back to him anyway. It's just so hard, that's all. I've managed not to contact him for almost 10 days so that's progress of a sort.

Hope you're doing ok today.

RhubarbTea · 14/04/2018 12:40

It's a kind of addiction, so of course it will be awful when you go cold turkey. Just because it's a person, makes it no less addictive and difficult to give up.
My last ex was terrible to me and I still miss them a lot, they were like a drug, one that almost destroyed me. I am so much happier and healthier now but still think of them all the time and it's been 18 months since we finally split and went no contact.