Abuse...So you’ve blocked...but you feel awful...

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hello again everyone.
I posted a few weeks ago looking for advice on resources for codependency...I will add the thread If it’s wanted (and if I can work it out!)
Anyway...I was meant to see ex tonight, but I have a massive panic attack, turned around, and went to see my friend, sent him a message basically saying “you don’t want a future with me, nor do you officially want to be with me, I love you and it’s too contradictory and is making me quite unwell so I wish you all the best, this is the end for me”

He broke up with me after I mentioned commitment after 18 months together including holidays and meeting families and him telling me he’s going to marry me ... but then told me he loves me, he doesn’t want things to change, I shouldn’t let the future change how things are now.

Visited woman’s aid today...said I’ve been abused emotionally and psychologically as well as sexually exploited.

I blocked, then after four hours answered a no caller ID phone call. He said he’d been in shock at first, but is now fed up of me, I’ve been a cunt and acted shity by not turning up when I was supposed to and I’m to lose his number.
Had another massive panic attack, dissociative and feel sick. It’s almost like Stockholm syndrome.

The crux is I kept running back to him. I had a massive break down around Christmas and now have a CPN and contact with intensive home treatment.
So my question is ... even when you know you’ve done the right thing, how do you get over the hurt ? Or can you tell me about your experiences of leaving an abusive relationship and feeling horrendous for it ?

I need to block my guy, I keep going back to him and feel pathetic every time. He treats me so bad, but I guess I feel I deserve it too. I also miss the good times even though the bad times outweigh them. You're right, it is like a drug.

@crazycoconut you must not go back, your children’s future wellbeing depends upon it, no person, especially a fucking rapist is worth your mental health or your children. On my previous post I went into a bit of detail about my relationship, SW had got involved to A very small degree. One poster said to me something along the lines of “you will end up with nothing and nobody, this will drive you ever more in the abuser arms, you will start self medicating , you will lose your children but undoubtedly he’d prefer you to him first. All you will have will Be the substance you chose to sooth yourself with and your abuser” ... can you see how unbelievably tragic that is? How it may impact so profoundly upon your children if you don’t go cold turkey. I understand that not having many friends makes this harder, however when you come out the other side, you will make friends , you will push yourself to.

It absolutely is like an addiction, but as iv just said, we all come to realise that no one is worth sacrificing your mental health for.
I have only just , after three months , been able to go swimming with my child again, so bad was my breakdown my legs are covered in marks.
We all have to go cold turkey . I am doing a masters degree with two small children alone and pouring 99% of my cognition into this man. Sometimes you’re okay, then you see a reminder and it triggers something, sometimes you’re okay and then it hits like a wave ... no one is immune to heartbreak...I breath through it and wait for it to pass.

I'm struggling tonight. Just got home after a few drinks and food with friends. Surrounded by people that love me and so alone.
I've told them some of what he's done and they are stunned and angry. I'm ashamed I put up with it I don't know who I am. And I come home and still miss him. Arghhhhh

The only way is cold turkey. He is the drug and you need to withdraw.

The only way is to throw out every last memory. Move as far away as possible, and congratulate every moment that passes that you don’t reconnect.

The first three weeks are hell.

After then it doesn’t get much better but every other minute passes and you have survived. Once you are into a few months you will start to feel like you are winning.
By three to six months you are living again and realise how dangerous your situation was.
Beyond that you will laugh agaib, feel joy and happiness and quite careful with your new self. Realising you are worth looking after and that a wonderful pain free life exists.
Fast forward five years you will barely think of him ever
Stay strong. Break the chains

I’m going through this now and I work with the fucker.

Quite a few mentions of an addiction feeling here - just thought I'd drop this fairly useful link about trauma bonding
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175

Op to paraphrase Winston Churchill - when you're wading through shit, keep wading!

@DumbleDee how have you felt today ? You are not alone. We have ALL been in situations where we wished we had handled things differently, but we do our best at the time. You were in love, your optimism meant you hoped things would change. You may have been confused, panicked, worried, sad, lost. The shame is not yours , it is his. Do not burden yourself with it, it does not belong with you.

@user I cannot bear five years being the best point! I want it now!

@NotTheFordType thank you so much for the link, and I love the quote

Hi @Wadingthroughshit up and down tbh. I'm angry at myself more than anyone else. By the minute I yearn for what I thought I had and regret I didn't end things earlier. I'm grieving for the loss of the last 8 years. How are you?

@DumbleDee 8 years is a long time. I think you being up and down is normal because you have feelings and care because you’re a human. What actually happened?
I had a wobbly day...I unblocked...he was unblocking me intermittently...at one point his profile was the lion from the wizard of oz which we said was me because of my big blonde hair. Then messaged me saying “well?” I opened it about 40 minutes later only to find he’d blocked me again.

Came to a head over my kids and their behaviour. Looking back I'd accepted so much crap. Sexting, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. I minimised. When it came to my perfectly normal teenagers behaviour it was the last straw. He wouldn't back down and did not see the need to change. He started our relationship love bombing and gradually without me noticing became more controlling and more abusive. He's also an angry nasty mean drunk.

He was badly abused as a child which he reported as an adult and I made a lot of allowances for that. Too many allowances.

When he's good he's fantastic. When he's bad he's a monster.