Don't know if my rship is crap or expecting too much?

[mumofthreesmallmen3]

Hello everyone

Just wanted to get some perspective, basic back story is I have 3 kids, been seeing a guy for 8 months, he has no kids, we are the same age, were in a exclusive relationship for around 5 months.

Main issues is how often and when we see each other, we've had a lot of conversations on it! I generally always see him on a sat night and maybe one weeknight. He has met my children a few times although quite briefly. I always feel upset that he won't make these plans in advance they are always quite last minute, he is a lot more laid back than me but it makes me feel like the last option and the weeknight is always late! I am happy to progress our relationship and he says he wants to too, but he still seems quite funny about coming earlier when my kids are here to have dinner with us for example instead of coming 9pm or later as often is, I hardly get to see him then as I'm up very early with the kids and it makes me feel crap like he comes late well see each other for hour or so have sex and go to sleep.

Our communication is not great! He will sometimes go a full day near enough before replying even when he is not working, I'm not expecting at all for him to msg all day but I guess I feel like I'm not important when he's been online etc and only seems to remember me about 10pm at night and gives me a quick call 'incase I get the hump we haven't spoke ' just feel like it's a obligation he has to call me rather than actually wanting to have a chat!

I'm finding it hard as not sure what to do, I've really fallen for him and would like to progress our relationship as it's just not enough for me at the moment! But he seems content with what we are doing as we have spoken about it quite a bit and for a few days he will be a lot better but by a week it's the same issues. I do often text him first etc and call him. And I'm often the one who will try to arrange seeing each other a lot more than he does. I didnt ask him once for a week and I found he didn't suggest to see each other at all! I will tell him all this and he will say stuff that makes me doubt myself but I'm not sure it's right, I feel like we should be in the honeymoon period and be wanting to spend time together! But it's just me it seems 😂

Ahh I dunno feel like I'm flogging a dead horse! The thing is around a week ago a text come through from a guy I was speaking to from before completely out of the blue and he really wasn't happy he even went onto my phone when I was asleep to look a my messages!

I guess what I'm trying to say through all this waffle is I don't feel like I have a boyfriend half the time! He calls himself my boyfriend says he loves me etc but does the bare minimum regarding contact and seeing each other, when he is here it's nice we get on, sex is great, I feel comfortable around him. I just dunno if things will ever change as we've spoke so much about it and I would like a bit more of a relationship and end up feeling hurt 😞

Most of the time he is with you he is having sex with you. Or the afterglow. Correct?

When he is not with you he is sometimes with somebody else and having sex with them. He is checking about this other person because he wants to work out if they are likely to give you and him an STI or otherwise scratch his car door. This is his world, sex without commitment.

Sorry OP, but it sounds like he’s around for the sex. Bin him.

Dump him, clearly you are a booty call to him. He goes through your messages - that is a sign of being controlling/trust issues and he makes no effect to met your children & engage with them. He sounds a right twat.

Sorry OP, he just wants sex, not a girlfriend

I’m sorry op but it just doesn’t sound like he’s that into you. You’re right, you should be in the honeymoon phase and it sounds as though he is just using you as a shag. I get him being wary of being around your children, it’s still quite early for that, but he should at least be making you feel wanted, it’s nice to be missed and his last minute calls “just in case you get the hump” is not how you deserve to be treated.

I’d get rid. I know you say you’ve fallen for him but it doesn’t sound like it’s reciprocated.

I wasn't expecting these replies not sure why! Does seem quite obvious when u think like that. I don't really think he is seeing another woman, I nearly always see him on a sat and other evenings he will answer phone/is at home and available to text, he's not secretive of phone although would never go down it! May be I've just been believing the excuses of had dinner late etc as why he can't come til late and it's not the case? I get people are busy I am too I just think a little text etc is not hard! I feel really silly and naive now:( I'm going to just really back off and not make effort myself, I've done it before and he comes back full force lots of attention and good for a bit but goes back to this

Yes, and he will up the stakes and offer a bit more for the sex. Mark my words.

Are you sure he isn’t partenered up/married and the reason he always turns up late and last minute arrangements is because he tells partner he is going out and would find that hard to get away with at 6.30 etc?? Does he stay over etc??

It's crap

He'll be 'nice' to you for a while after you've cooled it with contact - just to ensure the sex is still forthcoming. Please raise the bar, OP and don't be used like this. This isn't what a real relationship looks like.

He definitely isn't married or in couple he still lives at home! I've been there and met his family! And he sleeps the night when we see each other so I'm not worried he has a girlfriend, maybe other part time girls like me though didn't think it before. And yes it's what always happens when we've spoken he gets better with things but then they slide again. Not sure if he is uncomfortable around the kids? On my weekend off he will come earlier and we will do something? I just feel like we've spoken about it and I'm still not happy with what I'm getting, but thought maybe I was expecting too much and it's fine to take things slowly in the early days especially as I have children. So confused

It does sound abit crappy to me, I wouldn’t be happy with it tbh.
Do you ever go out together? Meals? Cinema? Does he ever ask you to get a babysitter so you can go places?
It does seem user-ish to me when somebody just wants to come round your house all the time.

Fucking hell! Just listen to yourself!

he comes late well see each other for hour or so have sex and go to sleep

You are a booty call.

He will sometimes go a full day near enough before replying even when he is not working

Because he's not bothered.

I do often text him first etc and call him. And I'm often the one who will try to arrange seeing each other a lot more than he does

What the fuck? STOP doing that.

He has you right where he wants you. Fucking desperate. He doesn't have to make any effort, and yet there you are....always chasing him, always available, always there for sex....seriously, you REALLY need to fuck this asshole off.

If you can't do that, at least do an experiment ....don't contact him first EVER, don't agree to spending time together, if it's just a booty call.

Men never ever respect women who don't respect themselves. Why would he see you as the prize, when you act like you will scrabble for the crumbs off his table. He's the man here. He should be snapping you up, before another guy does.

My advice would be to date widely. He can be one of many men you are dating, until he gets your attention better by stepping up.

Yep I see all that now. I don't know why didn't before, I guess I am always available for sex :( or mostly anyway and that's why he doesn't have to bother so much. When I have said things before he has stepped up but not for long.

And how old are you? He still lives at home???? What the actual fuck! No wonder he can't deal with 3 kids, his mum is still washing his pants.

You need a real man. Leave this little boy with his Mum. Has he got a single bed with a batman duvet cover? Jeez. Honestly, ditch and move on. Just ghost the fucker.

We are 30 😳 and yes when my children see there dad every other weekend we will have meals out or do things which makes me feel a bit more coupley. He did spend the morning with me and my children last weekend also so it's what makes it so confusing because it's not strictly sex or a relationship either is it? And his excuse for coming late in the week always seemed quite valid to me I don't know I'm embarrased 😂

I don't think it's to do with sex so much as he is avoiding involvement with the kids. Often repeated on mumsnet but when someone tells you who he is, listen. Don't think he wants to be part of a family.

He's not that into you. He likes the sex, he likes having you around and he doesn't want you to look around in case you find someone better as that would be inconvenient. You're just handy.

Has he got a single bed with a batman duvet cover?

But seriously, mumof, you can do so much better for yourself than this. Listen to Husky, lots of sensible advice there. I can't see anything 'lovable' about this guy and his utter disregard of you as a person. Not a keeper unless YOU just want the sex - which you clearly don't. You want, and deserve, so much more than just being someone he has sex on.

I can agree with that, although he says different it's quite clear to see it's mainly them he wants to avoid, when he has been around them he has seemed fine but i do get the feeling he doesn't want to get too involved with them. Which I think is right but also at the same time we cannot progress as I have them the majority of the time. Also he was never forced to be with someone with kids..he kind of chose that himself!

You need to wake up and smell the coffee. He is having his cake and eat it.he has a family of wife/girlfriend.and children.and you are his bit on the side.Get a grip.

Okay, I can see that is quite confusing. At the very least, I'd make a vow from now on, to NEVER make contact first. Lob that ball over to his side of the court. If he doesn't contact you, then that's an answer of sorts. If he does, and it sounds booty callish, just say "thanks, but no thanks, that's not enough time to make a nice evening of it".

You really need to make this guy do the running. I know on MN a lot of women have the opinion, that men and women can equally do the chasing, but honestly, that's bullshit in my experience. Men need to do the chasing and feel they have won the prize.

After my first date with my DH, I never EVER contacted him first. I was fresh out of a horrible relationship and vowed to only allow someone in to my life if they really treasured me. I let his calls go to voicemail. I left his texts unanswered for hours. He chased and chased me, and then I knew you was serious.

Try it!

• he was serious

Good advice thank You everyone:) he will get in contact he always does just not always in a timely fashion! I think I will just really back off will probably be able to see his intentions more then I guess.