Don't know if my rship is crap or expecting too much?

[mumofthreesmallmen3]

Hello everyone

Just wanted to get some perspective, basic back story is I have 3 kids, been seeing a guy for 8 months, he has no kids, we are the same age, were in a exclusive relationship for around 5 months.

Main issues is how often and when we see each other, we've had a lot of conversations on it! I generally always see him on a sat night and maybe one weeknight. He has met my children a few times although quite briefly. I always feel upset that he won't make these plans in advance they are always quite last minute, he is a lot more laid back than me but it makes me feel like the last option and the weeknight is always late! I am happy to progress our relationship and he says he wants to too, but he still seems quite funny about coming earlier when my kids are here to have dinner with us for example instead of coming 9pm or later as often is, I hardly get to see him then as I'm up very early with the kids and it makes me feel crap like he comes late well see each other for hour or so have sex and go to sleep.

Our communication is not great! He will sometimes go a full day near enough before replying even when he is not working, I'm not expecting at all for him to msg all day but I guess I feel like I'm not important when he's been online etc and only seems to remember me about 10pm at night and gives me a quick call 'incase I get the hump we haven't spoke ' just feel like it's a obligation he has to call me rather than actually wanting to have a chat!

I'm finding it hard as not sure what to do, I've really fallen for him and would like to progress our relationship as it's just not enough for me at the moment! But he seems content with what we are doing as we have spoken about it quite a bit and for a few days he will be a lot better but by a week it's the same issues. I do often text him first etc and call him. And I'm often the one who will try to arrange seeing each other a lot more than he does. I didnt ask him once for a week and I found he didn't suggest to see each other at all! I will tell him all this and he will say stuff that makes me doubt myself but I'm not sure it's right, I feel like we should be in the honeymoon period and be wanting to spend time together! But it's just me it seems 😂

Ahh I dunno feel like I'm flogging a dead horse! The thing is around a week ago a text come through from a guy I was speaking to from before completely out of the blue and he really wasn't happy he even went onto my phone when I was asleep to look a my messages!

I guess what I'm trying to say through all this waffle is I don't feel like I have a boyfriend half the time! He calls himself my boyfriend says he loves me etc but does the bare minimum regarding contact and seeing each other, when he is here it's nice we get on, sex is great, I feel comfortable around him. I just dunno if things will ever change as we've spoke so much about it and I would like a bit more of a relationship and end up feeling hurt 😞

When you are 80 years old, and you look back on this time (which you will), you will kick yourself.... you in the absolute PRIME of your life, wringing your hands over a lack lustre guy, and you are going to look skywards and wonder what the fuck you were thinking. You are 30. Oh, I wish I was 30 again! Date lots of men and see which one deserves your undivided attention, before you commit. You are a young woman, and any man would be lucky to have you.

No more booty calls OP! quality dates or nothing!

Please don't allow yourself to be treated like this. I am 23 with a 3 year old, my boyfriend is 29 without children and couldn't be more amazing. We've been together for 6 months. We talk all throughout the day, and on his days off (he works shifts) he comes down to my flat and spends a few days with us at a time. He contributes ideas towards helping my son when I'm stressed and unsure what to do. We go on date nights when we can. I have zero doubts in my mind about his feelings towards us.

You deserve better. If he was invested in you and your family then you wouldn't be having these thoughts. Sorry.

Also - going through your messages when you are sleeping is so inappropriate and wrong on so many levels. You've only been together 5 months, it shouldn't be this difficult.

I was in a similar situation shortly after leaving my exh although the man never met my DC (thank god!). He came around on weekends when my DC were at their dads, we would eat together and have sex then he would leave before they returned. This was all fair enough, I didn’t want him meeting my DC anyway. But it transpired after a few months that he was seeing various other women throughout the week. I found out after a text popped up on his phone from another woman which clearly wasn’t platonic and above that was a tinder notification . I confronted him and he just shrugged it off like “well we weren’t anything serious were we?”, it really hurt my feelings as I thought we were going somewhere and I’d wasted all of my spare time on him when it meant nothing to him. I dropped him and received a text from him two days before Christmas warning me I may have chlamydia as he just tested positive... I luckily escaped that beast but I was furious.

It honestly sounds like a similar situation is happening with you and I would tread very carefully here. You need to confront him and ask where he sees you two going. Does he think you are anything serious? Are you completely exclusive? Etc. I would not risk unprotected sex with him nor would I have him around your DC. I may be projecting but the way you have described him just popping up late at night to have sex, he doesn’t sound as though he wants anything beyond sex I’m afraid. Sorry OP.

Also the not texting is a major flag.

I think a lot of women fall into the trap of thinking that if the bloke keeps seeing them and they get on OK then the guy clearly wants a proper full on relationship, but there are plenty of guys out there happy to have a nice bit of occasional chit chat and sex on a regular basis without it intending to be anything more than that, problem is they don't make that clear to the woman who reads more into the relationship than is going on in the guys mind. From my life experience, if a guy is 'really' into you then they are often quite 'full on' , at least for a good while.

Yeah this is all True, apart from he initiated this relationship, we dated for 3 months and it wasn't anything serious then then he said he was falling in love with me and wanted to be with me.i don't know if we have different ideas of what that means, or he's not into me so much but still sticking around for sex i don't know.

Well I think it's a bit of a pattern with these types - very full on at the start to get you hooked, and then complacency and just enough attention to keep you hanging on for what it was like in the beginning.

I thought a lot last night and I don't think I even want to be his 'girlfriend' any more it's a load of crap 😂 I don't really no why I'm laughing just don't want to get down about it it's partly my fault for being so naive, I was with my last partner for 10 years since I was 17 so have such little experience with men so probably am really naive. I'm just gonna do my own thing now and say no to any last min plans etc don't think I even want to explain it all again as we have had so many conversations. But if this is what a relationship with him looks like then I don't want it.

Don't explain it, it's never made a lasting difference before. The most that is lkely to happen is he'll up his game for a short while to ensure he keeps getting regular sex.

Take control of the situation. Just text him "I'm not going to continue our relationship, this isn't working for me." Then block him so he can't manipulate his way back into your bed.

Don't beat yourself up about your 'naivety'. You've gained some experience and learnt from it. You're doing well.

And what a pp said about you being in your prime at 30, looking back in later life and thinking WTF? I wish I was 30 again, life was just beginning in so many ways. I'd not waste any time on users and fuckwits.

mumofthreesmallmen3 Before I met my current boyfriend I did online dating for a year and the amount of BS some of the men would spin me was unbelievable! I'm pretty sure I made threads on here about some of them. I then started to look at their actions over words, to coin the phrase 'actions speak louder than words'. If he was really falling in love with you and wanted to be with you then he would want to see you whenever he could. He'd want to hear what you've been up to that day, wish you good morning and good night. He sounds like a turd

He proably has his mummy cooking his tea!!! 30 year old with a batman duvet!!! Husky is right. 😂. Don't put up with the turd!!!

Op although it looks bad can I offer an alternative suggestion.

Maybe as he doesn't have his own dc he's just not used to that type of relationship. My dh was the same and tbf I understood he'd gone from having no responsibility to 3 dc and it took him a while to adjust.

I do agree with others though let him come to you. Just get on with life and let him fit in with yours. Good luck

What Husky wrote earlier.

Why is your relationship bar so very low here at all?. This person is using you simply as a booty call. Some men as well do actively target single mums because they think they are so desperate for male company that they would put up with any old shit and crumbs.

What do you want your children to learn about relationships from you and what have you learnt about same to date?. It would help you as well to ditch this person as of now and unlearn all the rubbish you have learnt about relationships along the way through counselling.

Yep his excuse why he is late mum didn't cook til 8 haha so by time he's eaten shower etc it's 9/10 before he gets here I go to bed at 10! I did say to him you are a adult surely u could sort your own dinner out if u wanted to see me! I just think I've had enough, he has met the children so we could see each other but he's obviously choosing not to.

Seriously. That mum cooks tea What a loser. If he wanted to see you surely he could skip tea and bring a nice takeaway round.

You know what to do.

Him going through your phone while you are asleep, to check up on you, is a more than good enough reason to end it.

There's no good reason for him to do that. It's controlling and stepping all over boundaries. Why does he think he's entitled to do that when he's treating you as a handy booty call? Not that he's entitled to do it anyway.

Dump him, enjoy your life without the stress and uncertainty he brings.

I feel for you op, I feel I was yojba few years ago. Was with my ex a long time and that relationship, I was treated like crap so had very little experience of what to look for when looking for a new relationship. I started a relationship which sounded very much similar to yours and I had a hard time ending it because of the reasons you sort of mention. I thought if I kept picking away at that relationship, trying to make it better then it would all work out. In fact, I ended up becoming more needy and desperate for doing so and he ended it lol. What an absolute mug I was, I can laugh about it now.

There will be much better men out there for you op, you can't change him. You can try but you will only fall and make yourself look like I did. Don't make that mistake.

I'd just completely back off for a while, take time to yourself. You really don't need the stress of this relationship

i feel I was you*

His Mum cooks his tea for him?

There is a huge red flag right there. If your 'relationship' progresses, he'll just move in and expect you to do the same! Cocklodger in waiting.

Agree with everyone else, he is using you as a booty call. This is not a relationship. He is actively avoiding your children.

Totally back off or finish with him altogether.

He'd rather have tea cooked by his mum than spend an evening with you.

He could have said 'no thanks, mum, don't cook for me tonight, I'm going over to see mumofthree oh, and I might take her a takeaway to give her a night off cooking, eat with her, watch some tv...'

But he didn't, did he?

Yea I know I know! I do know all of This! And it's partly my fault I did allow him to come over with little effort late at night etc. I'm giving up on it want to start afresh when I'm ready and try to respect myself a bit more i think I just got a bit excited and whenever we spoke about stuff he would say stuff which would make me doubt myself but it's not right it's been months like this if he was going to change he would of by now. I do want a proper relationship at some point and I don't think we could I think the foundations have been laid here that he doesn't have to respect me so it will never change even if I do get a bit more strict etc he's going to remember that so I'm best off learning from this and starting afresh

Christ I am still laughing at his mum cooking his tea, jesus you have had a lucky escape there, op, what a sorry pathetic excuse for a 'man'