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Original poster

Both in our late 20s, I want kids in the future ... I don't think he does...

26 replies

SeekingAdvice18 · 12/04/2018 07:16

Hi all,

I've been feeling increasingly anxious about this issue, and I'd be very grateful for any advice that you may have.

My partner and I have been together for 10 years, we own our house together and we are both 28. Everything would be great, except that one one occasion, about 2 years ago, my partner said something along the lines of 'I don't think I want to have children'. Because we'd been together since we were both 18, it felt like we were too young to really discuss big things like having children, but at about 26, the issue had finally come up. At the time, I was pretty upset, because I know that I do want the family experience and it is what I would want in my life. I didn't want to end things with my partner at this conversation, because we were still only 26 and I figured we have plenty of time to discuss this again. Now, another 2 years later, I am wondering at what age should you assume that the other person won't change their mind?

Ideally, I would like to have 2 children, and I have thought that that would mean maybe starting to try for children at about 32, so thats in another 4 years. I just don't know what to do, it is impossible to know whether he would ever change his mind. I am worried that I'll wait until about 32 and find that he still doesn't want children, and then it may be harder to start all over again and find someone to settle down with. I am also worried that if I leave our relationship now and give myself time to find someone who is interested in the same life direction as me, that my partner would, over that time, decide that he would like to be a dad, although now he would be with someone else.

I feel really confused and stressed about this because I don't want to miss out on having children, and if I do leave and he changes his mind, the thought of him having children with someone else would be devastating, I'd think, if only I'd been more patient!

Any advice would be appreciated!!

OP posts:

TaggieRR · 12/04/2018 07:20

Sadly this is a fundamental issue and you are incompatible. If having children is very important to you I would leave and find somebody else while you’re still young. Your bf has told you he doesn’t want them, I’d listen and move on.

Caulk · 12/04/2018 07:22

Talk to him.

TenThousandSpoons · 12/04/2018 07:22

Have you talked about it recently or not mentioned since you were 26? I think you need to let him know that it’s very important to you and you’d like to think about trying in the next couple of years. If he’s “not sure” still you’ll need to tell him if it’s a deal breaker for you and he needs to decide. I’ve heard of many women hanging on with a partner who is “unsure, maybe later” then it ending up too late for her to have children. What is the rest of your relationship like? Are you thinking of getting married?

DrEustaciaBenson · 12/04/2018 07:32

my partner said something along the lines of 'I don't think I want to have children'.

Have you ever had a proper discussion about it? Does he know you do want children? Have you ever in ten years talked about your long term plans for life - your career plans, whether you'll get married one day, whether you always want to live in the town where you live now, etc etc. It sounds a bit as if you've both been drifting along with neither of you knowing what the other wants out of life. You need to have a proper conversation asap.

Eryri1981 · 12/04/2018 07:36

I got together with my now DH in my early 30s, so didn't have the same long history as you and you DP. I could sense that he was reluctant, when it came to having kids, so we had "the conversation" between putting in an offer on our house and having it accepted. I made it clear it was I deal breaker and I was prepared (with a heavy heart) to walk away. He was adamant he didn't want more than one kid, and that we would wait a few more years before trying, I pushed for a firmer time scale as i was already 34 then. We agreed to another 2 years before we tried, and I'm now 37 and have a 9 week old DD. I have more or less come to terms with the idea of only having the one (hyperemesis and 8 months of nausea have helped with that!), But struggle with the constant pressure/ talk from other friends/family on when we will have more.

It is a weird conversation to have but worth doing, you need to decide what you are prepared to compromise on and if he isn't willing to give you a commitment that suits you then you need to be prepared to walk. Have a baby is amazing, and I knew I would resent DH if we didn't have one.

Good luck

CuntPuffin · 12/04/2018 07:44

Talk to him. And decide, depending on the outcome of the discussion, which is more important, children or the relationship.

My brother started a relationship at a similar age with a woman who didn't want a family. He expected time to change that, as happens to many younger women. They have the conversation periodically, but she has never changed. They are now in their 40s. He has decided that, for him, he would rather spend his life with her without children than risk never finding love again.

The point here is that it doesn't have to end the relationship. Only you can decide which is most important to you. If it is children, end it sooner than later while time is still on your side.

SVRT19674 · 12/04/2018 07:46

This happened to my aunt. He basically told her if she wanted children she would have to go to a sperm bank. Then when she was in her forties he had a daughter with someone else. At the divorce court he flashed a photo of it in her face and said: this is something I have you will never have. Do not renounce your fertility OP for any man.

timeisnotaline · 12/04/2018 07:49

He’s had a long time to decide. At this point you should discuss it and explain it’s a deal breaker, and not give him too long if he wants to think. One year maybe? To start trying before you turn 31? Conversation needs to include number of children although thoughts can change. 1 is very different from 3. I had this conversation with my partner very early 20s , a few years before gettign married as it was a definite dealbreaker for me and I didn’t want to spend years with someone not on the same page and then have to start again.

Ghostontoast · 12/04/2018 08:01

You need a serious conversation with him. Does he not want children at all or not with you?

I’ve known couples where the man didn’t want to have children, the couple have split up and a few years later he, bingo, he has started a family with someone else.

RupertBear15 · 12/04/2018 08:18

Everyone’s circumstances are different but from my own personal experience I would go with your gut instinct. 26-28 is still young and most men are not ready for children. I don’t think you can make a rushed decision of course and you need to talk extensively with your partner. Having a family will totally change your life and just people are never fully prepared for the responsibility of having children ( me included!) and the pressures they bring so no point trying to rush into it. But saying that, I had a boyfriend of 5 years who clearly didn’t want kids. We split when I was 29. 18 months later I found myself pregnant with my now husband’s child, I had only known him a few months and to be honest, we certainly didn’t plan for me to fall pregnant and we had zero money. But we struggled through and I now have quite a large family and we are doing great- been married 12 years. So things can happen suddenly but I was free from that bad relationship to move on and even now he still had no kids; he’s 43. I have 3 and boy I’m so glad I split up! He’s married but I don’t think he wants any children, his wife seem ok with that. I have a male friend who was with his girlfriend for all the time me and my DH have been - that’s 16 years; they bought a house, travelled and enjoyed their 20’s together. Last year they split- no marriage, no kids and they are seeing other people now and they had to sell their home. We could see he didn’t want to commit to kids- it was obvious and deal breaker in the end as she was 32. So what I’m saying is .... don’t let your life be for rent like my friend’s girlfriend. Don’t hope and hope and hope he will change his mind. 26 is young and he might and probably will change in time but you could have a long wait and so many men now wait until their late 30’s /40’s to have kids with a woman 5-8 years younger. Seeing happen so much now. So maybe give yourself a time limit- no change in a year or so - leave. Don’t sit by the ditch waiting for him to block you up, it’s your biological clock ticking and if you want children soon, then stay fixed on what you want, keep a clear head and go for it. Don’t be like the lady I mentioned and hang on and on and on hoping , praying he will change his mind after so many years! know I sound cold but many men are lazy and just want their batchelor lives to be one long endless party. Be strong and think about what YOU want and what type of relationship is going to be the best for you and any children. It’s giving him a lot of control too. Take it back and decide where you want to go-you’re young and can steer a path. I floated about too much and ended up alone after a long term relationship at age 29. I look back and wonder why I wasted so much time! So don’t regret. If your goals are too different to his, admit it and be determined to stay focused not on “ getting a man” ( I sound so mercenary !) I don’t mean it that way but placing yourself in a situation where the right relationship could happen, don’t get bogged down by his needs. We can’t at all determine what hapiens to us in life, but you can make a clearer path of that makes sense. Good luck and

RupertBear15 · 12/04/2018 08:19

I hope things work out well for you . Sorry, missed that last bit of the message ! Take care :)

RupertBear15 · 12/04/2018 08:25

“ block you up”?!! Lol I meant “ pick you up”- sorry my typos are bad😂

PurpleSnails · 12/04/2018 08:25

You need to have the conversation, sounds like it was just a passing comment to me. It needs to be something you properly discuss.

CaviarAndCigarettes · 12/04/2018 08:33

If you've never discussed it, other than this passing comment, now it the time too.
Although to add, we have three kids and everyone and then I look at my husband and say "I don't think I want kids"...

ShatnersWig · 12/04/2018 08:37

I’ve known couples where the man didn’t want to have children, the couple have split up and a few years later he, bingo, he has started a family with someone else.

Of course.

Then there are men who have said "I don't want children" and stick to that. It doesn't matter about other people's examples, because all the OP can go on is what her partner tells her he feels NOW. He could change his mind in two years. Five years. Ten years. Because people change and sometimes our thoughts change on certain subjects - men and women.

But fundamentally when it comes to long term relationships, these subjects need raising early if one of the partners is absolutely dead set on having children.

Original poster

SeekingAdvice18 · 01/05/2018 00:42

Hi, Thanks for your all of your responses. I really appreciate it. It does seem like we've been drifting along and we don't really discuss our 5-10 year goals much, which is something we need to do.

What do you think the best way to talk about this is? Go out for a nice meal somewhere, just a casual conversation at home? I worry that starting such a conversation could be quite final depending on the outcome, so I'm nervous to bring it up when we're floating along happily. However it must be done, as time cannot be recovered.

OP posts:

12PurpleSnails · 01/05/2018 06:38

I'd do it at home, not out somewhere

Cawfee · 01/05/2018 08:03

Floating along happily...but you’re not are you? If you were then you wouldn’t be posting on here. You need to be honest and stop avoiding. You’ve avoided it up until the point you can’t keep putting it off due to your age. You know he’s likely to say he doesn’t want them. Also don’t accept any timescale more than you being 30. It’s time to be serious and ruthless or you will end up like me, over 30 and years of fertility pain/struggles. You want kids. Get it done now. The happiest women in life are those that demand and get what they want. If he doesn’t want the same as you, end it and get yourself back out there to find someone who does.

RoundaboutSnail · 01/05/2018 08:14

Talk to him and say you would definitely like to have children in the fairly near future.

If he hasn't changed his mind by now though, I don't think he will.

Calmingvibrations · 01/05/2018 09:30

If you know you want kids then please don’t leave it too late to start trying. Hopefully you will have no problems falling pregnant, but looking around at the people I know, there are a surprising number who struggled and it took a lot of time (think years ) for it to happen. As I learnt when I was trying, IVF isn’t necessarily the answer or always successful, by a long shot.

Don’t mean to scaremonger, and make you think you must do it in the next few years or game over, but when you read about all the famous celebs falling pregnant early mid 40s, it can lead you to think it’s easy. For the majority at that age, it’s not!

It’s such a difficult situation, but I think you will start to resent him if he keeps dragging his feet. It’s one thing to say, let’s leave it for x years then def try, but if he is vague you could be wasting your time. You don’t want to be in this same situation in 2/5 years time.

Have the conversation at home. Could be too emotional at a restaurant or in public. And I expect you will need a number of conversations, not just one.

I understand he may not know what he wants, but he should at least start actively thinking about it to see if he can come to a decision, or at least have more of an idea. It’s no good him saying, I don’t know, and then not thinking about it again until you bring it up again much later on.

Calmingvibrations · 01/05/2018 09:34

Oh, I was with someone for years who apparently wasn’t sure if he wanted more kids (had kids from previous relationship). Looking back, ‘not sure’ was def short hand for no I don’t, but I don’t want to lose you at the moment so I won’t think it through too hard otherwise I would have to admit it is no. I didn’t push because I was in Lala land and wanting a bad situation to work out. I essentially wasted many years not getting what I wanted (in many fronts) because I was in lurve and an idiot.

Jakc · 01/05/2018 09:38

I had my children young.. last one at 27. Since then I’ve tried for another but haven’t managed I’m 40 this year. (Lots of miscarriages and an ectopic) If I waited until I was 30 I wouldn’t have managed to have any children. Have the conversation and don’t waste your fertile years if he doesn’t want any

fluffyrobin · 01/05/2018 09:55

Make sure you are not one of the many many women whose partner is adamant he doesn't want children (read: with her) and then go on to have a family with another woman.

I know a man in his 50s who broke up with the love of his life because she wanted dc and he didn't (together 20 years, split up about 5 years ago).

He is now in another long term relationship (lovely man btw) and now she is saying she wants dc.

Guess what? Rather risk losing her like he did his other partner he is now taking the bull by the horns and wants to do what it takes not to lose her as well, so he is actively looking into the whole idea of fatherhood for the first time.

All men are well aware of the time constraints on a woman's chances of conceiving and if he just wants to drift then that tells you all that you need to know.

Basically op, NEVER compromise by not having a dc with a man. Make it a no go area if it's that important to you.

He doesn't have to stay with you but you must be prepared to walk away rather than force him to be a father when he'd rather not be one with you.

Osopolar · 01/05/2018 12:31

Don't make any decisions until you have sat down with him and talked about it thoroughly as he may have changed his mind in the last two years. I would chat at home :)

TorchesTorches · 01/05/2018 13:47

Its an important conversation. We had
a talk about having kids when we were out for the day (on holiday) and were walking around a lake. We had a minimum of 3 hours to walk all around it and my now DH bought up about if i wanted kids. It was great to focus on ourselves whilst also doing an activity. We were both completely honest and really hashed it all out in those 3 hours. Being outside and also not having to have eye contact the whole time seemed to help.

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