I am the controlling one and...

[anybodythere]

So basically, in my first relationship at a young age I was very verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abused. I have carried this to my now current relationship and struggle with trust.

I had trouble trusting my partner from the beginning and overtime began to be more controlling (ex cheated). I would never stop him seeing his friends per se, I'd ask him to make it at a less anxiety inducing time or not going clubbing or something ie going for an evening meal to catch up.

I began to see it was bad and have recently sought counselling which is really helping me but it's slow and I only started a month ago. In that time I have told my boyfriend to do what he wants, hung up the reins for a lot of things and tried to control my anger. For example, his friend asked him out one weekend for football and a night out staying at his. This made me very uncomfortable but I made an effort and said ok, cool. And made plans so I would be busy.

However, there's still things that make me uncomfortable and when they come up now he goes straight to me being controlling and thinks that the progress I've made so far doesn't matter as I'm still "no where near normal" and tells me to f**k off.

This has just happened in regards to Friday. He wanted to see an old colleague, I said yeah cool but can you do it during the day (teachers-half term) as in the evening we'd said we'd do something. Because this friend can't do the day and can only do evening he's just told me to eff off and that I'm controlling and he's sick of it but I genuinely don't think this type of controlling behaviour in this situation is bad...

Advice please

My ex was the same and I now have the same issues. To a point it is controlling but through fear, not through anything else. My dp is more understanding and constantly reassures me. You are making progress and going in the right direction by getting counselling. Try talking to ur dp that these things take time. I'm 2 years in my current relationship and I'm getting better but still have terrible issues and anxiety. Try not to be so hard on yourself x

I think part of the problem is the language you're using: it sounds like you're saying ok yes you may go here or you may do that.... as he's not your child you don't get to give him permission to do things. It's nice if he checks with you before making plans but that shouldn't be seen as him asking your permission.

I would find it suffocating and controlling if someone was always giving me permission to do something - i may be tempted to tell them to F off too. It's great you've recognised that you're controlling and taking steps to help with it, but from your DPs point of view it probably is incredibly suffocating and by your own admission taking time to learn to change your behaviours.
How is the rest of the relationship? Are you and he both happy when there isn't any conflict? It sounds like you have an awful lot to work on by yourself - would it be possible to take a break from the relationship to get yourself to a place where you're emotionally able to have a relationship with healthy habits? It can't be much fun for you either to be in this situation.

It's a difficult situation solely because if a guy had issues with controlling, I'd tell him it's not my problem & I won't skirt around him until he "got better".

I can't be told what to do and accept it just because a guy has admitted & accepted he's got a problem.

Maybe a break is needed??

Im sorry but i think you are controlling yes. If i put myself in your bfs position then i would hate thr fact that ive come and talked to you, told you my plans and then you take issue and try to change those plans to plans that suit you better.

I do understand where the controlling side comes from and i am very sorry you have been through that but your partner is not you ex and therefor shouldnt be treated the same.

Could you try and let go of him not going out at night and perhaps change it to could he ring you in the taxi on the way home or come to yours whwn hes finished instead?

In your last example, I don't think you're controlling as you already had plans with him for friday night but he probably reacted this way because you've been so controlling before.
If I was advising him then I'd tell him to leave you until you've actually sorted these issues out

It sounds like you want a lot of tolerance for your bad behaviour from your boyfriend, yet don't want to give him the same tolerance when he does something you don't like.

The abuse you suffered was unfair and awful, but you have a serious problem now, and that problem is yours to deal with. You don't get a pat on the head because you "let" your boyfriend go out with his friend one weekend. Your boyfriend is probably sick of being made to feel grateful for being "allowed" to see his friends when he wants, and managing your anxieties around it, so it's not a surprise that he sees control issues in several aspects of your behaviour.

I can understand that if you had vague plans to do something with him on Friday and he asked to change them so he could see a colleague that couldn't make it another time, you'd feel annoyed, but most people would just express that and move on.

You don't say what your reaction was when he wanted to change your plans, which led to him telling you to fuck off. Did you insist that since he had made loose plans with you that he had to stick to them? Is insisting that he stick to the "original plan" a way of preventing him from going out without you, rather than about spending time together? You could always just get together another night.

I'm going to disagree with previous posters.

You are trying to change by having counselling and admitting your problems, and he responds by saying "you are nowhere near normal" and telling you to fuck off??

He sounds vile.

@Cambionome guessing his reaction is a result ongoing controlling behaviour. I’d behave in the same way. Would you call a woman vile in the same situation?

OP would you consider a break from him? It might do you good.

I would call anyone vile in the same situation.

It's good that you acknowledge that you're controlling and understand why.

Are your Friday plans easily rearranged? (I mean going for a meal locally rather than going to a paid gig) If you were him, would you hope that your partner would try and be flexible so that he could meet up with said colleague? I imagine that he makes a lot of allowances for you so this is a good opportunity to practice doing the same for him.

Cambioneome - who do you see as the victim in this situation? OP who has admitted to her controlling behaviour and recognises its bad enough to require professional support to move forwards, or her DP?

I think that you can not possibly call the partner vile without knowing the couple. If she is super controlling then wanting to be left alone (for the OP to fuck off) might be what an exasperated person would say. Then again, what OP calls controlling might be what most people call neurotic in which case Fuck Off is completely unacceptable. We also don't know the frequency of the Fuck Offs.

Your behaviour is abusive and there's no excuse for it. Why can't he meet his friend in the evening? What difference does it make? You're treating him like a ten year old, it's surprising he hasn't left already.

Your behaviour is bad. Pretending that it's acceptable because you used to be worse doesn't make it acceptable. This is your problem, let go of your control issues, respect and trust him as an autonomous adult or dump him so you can work on yourself.

I bet his friends are hoping he finds sense and loses you. If you carry on as you are, he will.

I am calling the dp vile for telling the op to fuck off and saying that she's not normal. This is verbally abusive whatever the circumstances.

I feel as though some have misunderstood.

1. I have no issues with him seeing the football with his friend. The part that made me uncomfortable was the going clubbing after and not returning to our home (as in a different city.) Normally I would have been really angry and upset at the situation (not DP) but I have made progress and used this as an example of a time where I said "cool" and let him get on with it.

2. Perhaps I'm just different here but if someone makes plans with me and blows me off it feels taken for granted. His colleague isn't going anywhere, he could see him another time.

3. Friday's plans aren't set in stone in the sense of no rearrangeable but I was looking forward to it. I have been very sick all week and have just been written off work because of it (stomach infection) so had been looking forward to a cosy Friday night in as we haven't had one in a while.

4. I don't believe in "breaks" and it wouldn't be possible. I can give him space however and would consider that.

5. when I first began dating my partner, I told him about my anxieties and the potential affect on behaviour and he promised to help me through it and to be understanding. So I suppose my upset comes from feeling like I was lied to so that the relationship could occur (I was hesitant because of my hurt) and I would be respected - so yes I do feel as though I should be awarded for progress - at least acknowledged and appreciated.

6. I'm grateful for the poster who said about how his language/behaviour is vile. Whilst yes, it comes from exasperation. Anyone who has been in a verbally abusive relationship will know that certain ways of being spoken to will trigger memories and feelings and it hinders my progress

It sounds to me that you are trying to change your behaviour and making progress - that's a difficult thing to do so well done!

I do understand that after an abusive relationship certain things can be very triggering and difficult to cope with; of course he is frustrated, but I really believe that the way he speaks to you is not right.

Op in relation to your point 5, I'd imagine he had no fucking idea just how controlling you would be. He probably thought "Oh she is insecure so she will probably just need reassurance a lot and I'll just tell her I love her everyday and it'll be fine."

I mean did you tell him "I will need the power of veto over any of your activities that don't include me"?

Hi OP

I appreciate this is difficult for you and taking the first steps to admit you have problems is great. Seeking help is even better.

It's hard for you to see this when you're right in the middle of focusing on you and how you can get yourself better, but saying things like you told him about your problems and he promised to be supportive at the beginning of the relationship and now you're trying to use that as a reason for why you're hurt isn't healthy. Put it another way - how would you have felt had your own abusive ex tried that on you? If he told you in the beginning that you would be expected to be supportive of some of his own abusive or controlling behaviours and then when you expressed your frustration with the way you were being treated, told that you weren't being supportive enough of him?
I don't know your DP so I'm basing my opinion purely on the things you're saying - but it sounds a little like you're minimising. Admitting you have a problem serious enough to be seeking support for, yet still passing some of the blame for your behaviour onto your partner by saying he isn't supporting you when he is getting fed up and pushing back at you. If you were a man posting I would have the same opinions and so I have to urge you to take some time for yourself.
I wish you all the best OP - truly. Talk this through with your therapist and try to get a handle on the your own feelings about how you're behaving and what you can do independently of your DP to heal yourself and bring your behaviours in line with a healthy relationship

I think that your relationship may be irreparably damaged, and not just by you. Him telling you to fuck off and throwing it in your face when he was basically standing you up means I'm not sure you can ever get past it as a couple (because you'll never be able to challenge this sort of thing even if you do have a point). You may be too far down the road - too little too late from you, and weaponised resentment from him.

At least you're learning some things for a future happier relationship.

Agree with anybody. I think you're minimising. You say you told your OH about your "anxieties" at the beginning of the relationship so he could be "supportive" but you've also say that your behaviour became more controlling over time, so I doubt he was given the full picture at the start.

You describe being "really angry and upset" in the past by your boyfriend wanting to do things that are totally normal (go out with friends and stay over), and say you have

He asked to see a friend instead of staying in after you've been sick all week - that's hardly "blowing you off" given that you live together. Yes, he could see his friend another time; he can also stay in with you almost any time with even greater ease.

In fact, given that it seems he's only recently been given license to go out late/overnight without you, I imagine he has a fair bit of pent-up frustration. He may be releasing it now because you have finally properly acknowledged that you've been controlling and he feels he can legitimately express his frustration when what he wants isn't what you want.

You've been "looking forward to a cosy Friday night in", perhaps he's been looking forward to a cosy night in too, but doesn't feel attached to it being Friday. Perhaps Saturday or Sunday is just as good in his eyes. For many people it would be no big deal at all to rearrange a couch night with their live-in partner.

The work that needs to be done is on yourself.

whoops, accidentally deleted a chunk

"and say you have not trusted him from the start. Do you know how stressful and unfair it is to have a partner who doesn't trust you when you've given them no cause not to?"

Sorry but you need help @anybodythere. Poor bloke :(

Thanks for all of your advice and help. I will continue to seek help and if this relationship is too far gone now, hope that I will in the future be able to have a happy healthy relationship

In regards to more controlling overtime this is because he has lied. There are reasons for me not to trust him, which propelled my behaviour and almost justified it at some points. He has never cheated that I know of but has lied about where he is, drugs, talking to people etc. Whilst all those were cleared up, I have a lot of worry about them repeating themselves. Especially with drugs as I hate them and a teacher doing cocaine at the weekends is probably not what anyone wants. Perhaps it is just clear now it is too far gone!

"a cosy night in" is not really a planned commitment. Like you said, you aren't going anywhere, he can see you another time.