I am the controlling one and...

[anybodythere]

So basically, in my first relationship at a young age I was very verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abused. I have carried this to my now current relationship and struggle with trust.

I had trouble trusting my partner from the beginning and overtime began to be more controlling (ex cheated). I would never stop him seeing his friends per se, I'd ask him to make it at a less anxiety inducing time or not going clubbing or something ie going for an evening meal to catch up.

I began to see it was bad and have recently sought counselling which is really helping me but it's slow and I only started a month ago. In that time I have told my boyfriend to do what he wants, hung up the reins for a lot of things and tried to control my anger. For example, his friend asked him out one weekend for football and a night out staying at his. This made me very uncomfortable but I made an effort and said ok, cool. And made plans so I would be busy.

However, there's still things that make me uncomfortable and when they come up now he goes straight to me being controlling and thinks that the progress I've made so far doesn't matter as I'm still "no where near normal" and tells me to f**k off.

This has just happened in regards to Friday. He wanted to see an old colleague, I said yeah cool but can you do it during the day (teachers-half term) as in the evening we'd said we'd do something. Because this friend can't do the day and can only do evening he's just told me to eff off and that I'm controlling and he's sick of it but I genuinely don't think this type of controlling behaviour in this situation is bad...

Advice please

Form your it's great that you are making progress.

But it's not his responsibility to reward you for it, your partner is still in a controlling relationship and he owes you nothing because you 'let' him go out when the conditions suited you.

Can you imagine his level of stress all the time having to wonder if he's going to be allowed any freedom or not. It's not surprising he snapped.

You should end this and finish your therapy while single, then give yourself a well done. You can peruse a healthy relationship when you are ready.

Wait, he has you convinced that you're controlling because you are worried he will continue to lie to you about cocaine usage and other things he has lied about in the past? This no longer sounds like you being controlling, more like being gaslit.

When he went out clubbing and didn’t come home did he let you know he wasn’t coming home or just didn’t come home?

OP
Slight drip feed ... but I still stand by my original post. He doesn't sound great and certainly not someone I would trust with my children if he can't control his impulses with drugs or with lying, but none of those behaviours of his are within your control. He doesn't sound like a desirable partner but that isn't what you're posting about, you're posting about him pushing back on your controlling behaviour.

Taking drugs and lying etc are a choice that he is making and you can't make him stop or control his movements to ensure he doesn't do any of those things. If you were able to make healthy choices you would recognise his. Just because he is doing things that are completely undesirable isn't to be used as an excuse to try to force him to stop or putting restrictions on his behaviour and can't be used to justify your own behaviour to him. You can calmly tell him that you aren't interested in a relationship with someone who engages in destructive or deceitful behaviour but you can't control it and you can't force him to stop doing it or restrict his movements and communications in an attempt to ensure he doesn't do it. Him engaging in those behaviours isn't him signing away his free will, his behaviour doesn't make it permissible for you to engage in abusive behaviour towards him.

I really hope you're discussing this in detail with your therapist and exploring these feelings on your part and she / he helps you to focus on growing yourself - in a few years when you're through the other side of this process you will see that the healthy choice is to walk away from people who make poor personal choices, not to stick around and try to force them to fall in line with how you want them to behave.

Best of luck OP - it's a long hard process down your road and I admire your courage for admitting to yourself how your past abusive relationship has shaped your own current abusive behaviour. A lot of people wouldn't even take that first step and you deserve recognition for that - don't step backwards into victim blaming of your partner. No matter what he has done it doesn't give you the right to treat him in this way - you just get to make your own choice of whether you want to stick around or walk away, he gets to choose if he still wants to engage in the drug misuse and inappropriate communications with others.

Womb - I think you misread OP - she acknowledged she had a problem before their relationship even started - he didn't convince her of it she already knew when she started the relationship and has made t clear that it's a reaction to her first relationship where she was the abused.

It sounds like you need some time on your own to work through your stuff and also how to communicate with someone else and how to set your boundaries. It's ok to be on your own - you are enough - you aren't just doing the therapeutic work so you can be with someone else one day, you're doing it to be happy and healthy in yourself. Hopefully your therapist can help you talk through extricating yourself from this relationship.

So you've recognised your controlling tendencies and are working on them - that is greta and well done.

On the other hand, you have a partner who says things to you like I'm still "no where near normal" and tells me to fk off - sorry but that is not a healthy, loving relationship! If someone spoke to me like that they would be out of the door.

Abuse victims often tell their abusers to f**k off, it doesn't mean you get to kick them out of their house.

Tbh if he's being abused by the op, he would be best making an exit plan and leaving, as we'd advise a woman in his position. Not sticking it out and verbally abusing her in return.

While the op is best working on her issues and would be better placed to do that outside a relationship (this one's buggered, imo) . Screwed the pooch.

Next time you see your counselor, I'd ask to discuss whether or not you'll make more progress out of the relationship than in it. I think you should consider the Freedom Programme too.
Lying from a bf would make a "normal" partner change her behaviour too. I suspect that the Freedom Programme would make you realise that it's perfectly fine to dump a partner for serious lies (like drugs) and that you shouldn't allow someone to talk you into doing stuff that you're uncomfortable with like going out with them when you know deep down that you're not ready.