Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Need advice about what to say today

37 replies

WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 11/04/2018 16:34

Dating a guy for 2.5 years. I work full time and he is making small amounts of money working from home but not enough to pay tax. Stays over at mine most nights.
He lives with his parents.
We’ve had the discussion about futures and I have a plan to overpay my mortgage and be mortgage free by 55, then hopefully retire. He has no plan (other than to live with me, and no pension). We’re both 38.
He’s very affectionate and loving and I’ve never had that before. My ExH was emotionally abusive and manipulative.
So, the BF stays over but doesn’t contribute towards my bills (which are £1300 a month) and I have two kids (10 and 13).
I feel a bit suffocated by him. I never have a night to my self as when the kids are with their Dad, the BF is here.
I feel that it’s not the right relationship for me as we have different priorities.
I don’t want him moving in as he’s not got no way of paying his way... but I feel resentful sometimes when he’s here, that’s I’m paying for all the bills.
I’ve mentioned the council tax thing several times (I pay single persons council tax and he stays over five nights a week sometimes) but he says nobody will know and I won’t get into trouble!
We’ve discussed him getting a proper job and he said he is looking for work all the time. He doesn’t claim any benefits either so won’t get a government pension will he? ( I don’t think).
So.... I just need to know what to say to him. We’ve split twice before and he was heartbroken and crying and I took him back both times as I felt bad and a bit lonely.
It all sounds a bit pathetic when I read it back! :(

OP posts:

BlueUggs · 11/04/2018 16:44

I'm sorry, this isn't working for me. I did not want to be with you anymore. Repeat. Repeat.
Don't give in when he cries!!

Bananalanacake · 11/04/2018 16:46

Have a relationship with him but don't let him move in. Or be strict about only letting him live with you when he has a full time paying job.

DearTeddyRobinson · 11/04/2018 16:48

I'm sorry but I don't see a future for us, I think we have very different priorities

bonnyshide · 11/04/2018 16:51

I actually see the crying as quite a manipulative way to get what he wants. It is very clear this relationship is not working for you.

Bananalanacake · 11/04/2018 17:04

Does he pay rent to his parents. If not how will he pay his way with you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/04/2018 17:04

You have children, you do not need a jobless manchild as well sponging off you. He sounds like a cocklodger and they can and do target single mums (because they think such women are so desperate for any male company that they would put up with anything).

What do you want your children to learn about relationships and what are they learning here from you?.

What do you get out of this relationship with him exactly, what needs within you does he meet?. I can see what the attraction is for him but you?. He could also drop you in hot water re the council tax, its all very well him saying no-one will know. I am also not totally surprised to read that your previous relationship was abusive in nature; this man has taken advantage of that fact as well by continuing to take advantage of your too low boundaries in relationships.

I think you now need to separate a third time but this time make the separation permanent. This person has used tears and hang dog eyes to talk you around, do not fall for it any longer. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid as this is helpful to women who have been in abusive relationships previously.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 11/04/2018 17:11

Absolute cocklodger.

This relationship is going nowhere. You have enough to do as a single parent. You don't need anyone else to look after.

Resentment is already there. End it before it turns into hatefulness.

StopBeingAGoat · 11/04/2018 17:33

I'd have ended it before it started.

A 38 year old man who lives with his parents and doesn't have a job....not much going for him.

He's looking for a free ride from you.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 11/04/2018 17:35

Ah you have got yourself another dc op - - -

HollowTalk · 11/04/2018 17:46

Another one here who thinks he's a cocklodger.

You're a great example to your kids - you're working, you're planning for the future and you are independent. So they are looking at you and know you have your life sorted. Then you pick up with some guy who has none of that - he's still at home, ffs! I daresay your kids will leave home when they're 18 or 20 or so - what do you think they think of this guy, still at home earning hardly anything when he's 38? He's such a bad example to them.

He's costing you money and is planning to live with you and have you look after him until the day he dies.

Can you see how ridiculous it is?

Beaverhausen · 11/04/2018 18:13

Dump the Chump. Sounds harsh but lets face it he sees you as his way out and seeing as you have been supporting him for so long already and he has not made any attempt at finding work or offering up some money and he is causing you aggravation . Really not worth it.

Original poster

WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 11/04/2018 20:17

He’s been messaging. I’ve told him it’s not going anywhere. He’s not really listening. He’s replying like everything is fine. The kids aren’t here. I’m really dreading speaking to him. I hate confrontation.
I need my key off him. Balls. This is a nightmare :(

OP posts:

TalkFastThinkSlow · 11/04/2018 20:21

You don't need the key. Change you locks then call him and dump him over the phone

AnyFucker · 11/04/2018 20:22

Get to fuck freeloader

Four simple words. Text them to him now.

notabee · 11/04/2018 20:57

If you're sure you want to finish things with him, then i really would change the locks anyway. What's to say he wouldn't get a copy cut?
With regards as to what to say? Be honest. It might give him the wake up call to start standing on his own two feet.
I was seeing a similar guy a few years back and, after realising he was simply waiting for an 'easy option', I sent him packing.
Good luck op.

category12 · 11/04/2018 21:03

You say dating, but actually you mean he sits around at your place, don't you? Dump him. Change your locks. Your relationship bar needs to be higher - not just isn't abusive.

category12 · 11/04/2018 21:08

Be more direct "isn't going anywhere" is a bit of a cop-out.

"Dear John, This isn't working for me and so our relationship is over. I will pack up what things you have at my place and I'll drop them off to your mum's at the weekend. It's been swell."

Queenofthedrivensnow · 11/04/2018 21:13

Op be firm. You sound brilliant in every other area of your life - you can do this and be happy when he's gone x

Zofloraqueen27 · 11/04/2018 22:35

Op PLEASE PLEASE read another related thread on Relationships. Op is Thisisanewbeginning. In the thread she says she wants to end a relationship and asks for help to see it through.

You will find many similarities in yours and her posts. Following her instincts and hopefully with the support and encouragement she received from MN’s she got rid of a dead weight freeloading partner. Read the threads and be inspired by a strong positive woman.

The entire thread just showed what courage and resolve it takes to get rid of CF partners. You can do it too.

As others have said this man is just playing you like a fish. He knows if he turns the tears on you will relent. This is why you need to ditch the waster by text pdq.

A true but horrifying conclusion when another poster said you will be left to look after him until he dies. He wants to go from the comforts of his parents home to your home and make himself another person you look after and are responsible for.

We do these things for our children - not pathetic hangers on. Be strong and do what you know needs to be done quickly. Hard at the beginning but what a relief when you have dodged this pathetic bullet.

Original poster

WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 11/04/2018 23:08

He texted earlier when I said we needed to walk “shall I come round”.
He’s just left. I got my key back and said everything I needed to say. He said things like “you can’t give up on us after more than 2 years” and “I’ll get a job, I promise”....
I remembered what one poster had said on here... “be firm... you sound brilliant in every other area of your life”...
I stayed strong (well bawled a lot... )
But he’s gone. He took his bottle of port from the kitchen and left, leaving the key.

Thanks to all the advice given. It was hard to do. X

OP posts:

category12 · 11/04/2018 23:09

bastardkitty · 11/04/2018 23:13

You did the right thing. He's had every opportunity to pull his weight. He took his port....oh dear. Onwards and upwards!

ICESTAR · 17/04/2018 11:26

That's so funny. Took his bottle of port. In that one sentence that told you all you needed to know about him. You shared so much with him and what did he share with you? He even took a bottle of port. Clearly knows what is his and what is entitled to. If I was upset from being dumped, the last thing I would think to take with me is alcohol that I had left there. Op you are well rid. Well done!

BasilTheCat · 17/04/2018 15:36

You're so strong, well done!

FooFighter99 · 17/04/2018 16:10

I'd still be changing the locks, he might have had a copy made.

Flip

1 2