My sister doesn't like me. What do I do?

[blinkowl]

If you asked my sister if she likes me, she'd probably say yes (I think) and she'd say she cares about me.

But it's become apparent to me that on a day to day level, she doesn't actually like me.

I realised this recently. Last year our father was very ill, and then died. After he died we spent time with my mum and had to cooperate to help her sort things out.

My sis and I used to argue lots as kids and teens. Then occasionally as adults. She gets very easily offended. Being forced to spend time together made me realise something. The pattern that we'd fallen into as young adults was this:

• I say something (usually expressing an opinion about something)
• Sis would be annoyed at what I've said, then arsey to me
• I react in kind
• Sis seems totally unaware that she was arsey and reacts as if I've attacked her from nowhere

So, in order to keep the peace, for years now, the pattern has been this:

• I express an opinion
• Sis is arsey to me
• I bite my lip to keep the peace

I've got so used to doing that I'd stopped noticing it happening.

But with my father's death to deal with, there were things I did want to voice an opinion about, and I became aware that she basically doesn't like me having opinions. If I say something, her default reaction is to argue with it, refute it, prove me wrong. I didn't always bite my lip and we ended up having an argument, but this time I stood my ground and said "look sis, this is what you're doing. You argue with me every time I have an opinion." and she admitted that yes, she is aware she does that sometimes.

I'm the older sister, and when we were little I suspect she found me overbearing and we've fallen into those patterns since. I am an extrovert, she is an introvert. But we're not kids now.

But even so, now, I can't do anything right. Just having conversations seems to piss her off. I've become aware, that when I am speaking, she sometimes turns her back and walks away as she doesn't like what I'm saying or the way I'm saying it. I think she thinks I don't notice, and I had trained myself to ignore it. But suddenly I find I can't ignore it. I don't know why she thinks I don't notice - it's obvious to other people too.

I am her [https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bitch%20Eating%20Crackers bitch eating crackers]] (a great phrase another thread here reminded me of). Nothing I can do is right.

And I don't feel like ignoring it any more. I can't change my personality. She just doesn't like me.

So, what now? What do I do?

I did feel like telling her I don't want to see her. But I know she does care about me, and she loves my DC. But I don't think I can carry on ignoring it. Now it's so clear to me, it hurts. Should I try to speak to her? Explain what she's doing and how it affects me? I'm not sure I'm really up for that though...

Actually what I've done is not be in contact much, but chat sometimes. We're not that close a family anyway so it's not a huge difference but she probably thinks I haven't been supportive enough since my dad died. But I don't want to cause arguments. I just want to protect myself from being hurt.

What would you do?

bitch eating crackers Bitch eating crackers link - hope it works this time.

Basically it says:

Bitch Eating Crackers

Everything this person does annoys you, even something as simple as eating crackers.

Taken from the meme, your BEC is that person who you can't stand.

Kim: Look at Erica over there reading that book, so annoying.

Jules: dude, she's just reading, you just think it's annoying because she's your Bitch Eating Crackers.

Kim: yea, but look at her flipping the pages and shit.

It's so, so normal to fall into your childhood patterns of behaviour even as adults. This will make it very very hard for your sister to change, even if she recognises some truth in what you are saying (it's interesting that she admitted she realises she doesn't like you having an opinion).

So, if you broach the subject, be prepared for the fact that it may well not change anything.

You could try writing to her maybe? Say that you would love to be closer but you can't bear the way that the two of you argue so much when you're together. Place the blame for this on the 'way the two of you interact' rather than entirely at her door.

But, to be honest, if I were you I'd probably just carry on with your current low contact approach. Some siblings just aren't close and there's no point trying to force it.

at the Bitch Eating Crackers thing. This is just like me and my MIL!

We don't argue these days though. We haven't for years, but I now see that's because I've been ignoring her being arsey to me.

Now I'm aware of it I can't go back to ignoring it.

But if I challenge her, then we argue.

What's changed is I realise she doesn't like me, and it hurts. We usually see each other about once every 2 or 3 months and talk on the phone every fortnight to once a month, roughly. At the moment that's more like once every 2 months.

I still feel protective of her as my little sister, and I don't really want to cut her off. I want my DC to have a good relationship with their aunt.

I just want her to stop being such a bitch! But that's not gonna happen any time soon. I suspect she thinks she's the wounded victim in all this, valiantly putting up with me.

Arapaima it's a great description isn't it :)

I’m actuslly like this with my DGM

I’m very close to her but she is over bearing. I don’t think she means it. But it grates on me as an adult.

I’m learning to bite my lip as she is old 🙈

I can't change my basic personality type.

And tbh I'm sick of walking on egg shells now I realise that's what I've been doing for so long.

But I know if I tell her to effectively fuck off and leave me alone she'll be hurt and I know I'll regret it. It's what I feel like doing right now though.

I can't change my basic personality type

But neither can she?

Youre different people. Just because you share the same parents it doesn't mean you have to be friends.

I speak to my sisters only a handful of times a year, only see them once or twice. There is no point forcing a relationship - older one and I are very different people and actually actively dislike each other tbh, younger one and I just don't have much time for each other.

Why do you think you need to be friends? And that's a serious question. Is it because you see others with good sister relationships, or because you genuinely like her?

Dump her.

If she were not your sister, would you tolerate this behavior from a friend? Nope.
Just because you accidentally have the same parents does not mean you have to put up with her shitty treatment towards you.

Turning her back on you, leaving the room when you speak is glaringly rude behavior. She is effectively telling you to shut up. So grant her wish: Stop talking to her.

Enough is enough. Protect yourself from getting hurt is spot on. Making boundaries is a response to her behavior, not because you are being a mean bitch (she covers that base).

Do not get caught up in what she may be thinking or not thinking (regarding supportiveness, family duty, anything) You don’t know what she is thinking. And it doesn’t matter because she has never shown you any respect for what you are thinking. She doesn’t care (ouch) so bounce the Don’t Care Bear right back at her.

Can you tell I’ve been there, done that, got the (whole closet full) t-shirt?

I get this. My sister dislikes me mildly and I find her irritating. She can’t cope with my commenting on any of her life choices (even though she’s made some huge mistakes recently, like risking her health through not treating her medical condition with actual medicine and selling her house because the mortgage meant less disposable income than renting her mates spare bedroom) and I think this because I was always seen as the clever older responsible one when we were kids. It means I can’t talk to her properly but I don’t know how to fix it. We don’t speak much because it always ends in an argument but I just can’t bite my tongue when she does this crazy stuff and stresses my parents out I feel like that would be enabling her behaviour.

I really hope my kids will get on okay when they grow up.

So I guess my options are:

• tell her what she's doing and that it hurts my feelings. Leave the ball in her court
• tell her what she's doing and ask if we can try to sort it out
• tell her what she's doing and that it hurts my feelings and that I don't want to talk for a while
• ignore it and carry on for the sake of the rest of the family. Mentally distance myself from her so I don't feel so hurt
• pretend it isn't happening and try to go back to ignoring her being arsey

Have I missed anything?

What would you do?

I can't change my basic personality type.

And nor can your sister!

It would be interesting to see what your sister's version is, 3 sides and all that.

It reads to me like your sister has taken on "attack is the best form of defence".

Why do you think you need to be friends?

Because I do care about her, even if she is being a cow.

Because she's family. I only have her and my mum. No cousins or aunts or anything. We were a good support for each other when my dad was ill.

What would you do?

Try and look at it from her point of view. It's perfectly possible that you'll find out that your behaviour upsets her just as much. If you do decide to confront her be prepared to hear things you might not want to.

But blinkowl those reasons don't mean you need to be friends. You can care about someone but not be close.

I think being so distant from a lot of my family maybe gives me a different view. I don't have my sisters as friends, because I have other friends. We have different personalities and don't get on. That's fine, as long as we support each other when something inevitably happens to our mother, and don't try and shaft each other then that's all that's needed. I have my friends, boyfriend, children, for my support and relationships.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love the Disney version of siblings, but it just doesn't happen all the time. And if you want it to, you're going to have to suck up how she is - as she is going to have to with you.

My experience is that you can’t force these things. The reality is that siblings don’t always get on.

I wouldn’t go as far as saying I dislike my brother, but the fact of the matter is that we are, and have always been, very different people with very different lives, attitudes and interests.

We have never fallen out or argued as adults. We see one another infrequently, and we are polite to one another, but we aren’t close. If we were not siblings, we would not be friends.

I dont get on well with my sister. Don't get me wrong she will be there for me and I will be there for her if needed - but we don't have to like each other.

Apart from parents we have nothing in common. Interestingly she sounds like your younger sister(even down to the walking out) except she is actually my older sister.

We are quite literally chalk and cheese.

We have never fallen out or argued as adults. We see one another infrequently, and we are polite to one another, but we aren’t close. If we were not siblings, we would not be friends

Totally this. I actually think when my mum dies (hopefully not for many many years) we actually won't keep on touch save the odd like on a Facebook post. If we weren't siblings we would have lost touch twenty years ago. I only ever really see them through my mum now.

Why not say that you have noticed this pattern, you'd like to be closer and see what she says? Do be careful not to be confrontational or blaming because she'll just get defensive and you won't get anywhere productive. As a pp said, frame it in a neutral, "I've noticed this interaction pattern between us" kind of a way. What have you got to lose?

I still feel protective of her as my little sister
There may be a seed of the problem here. It may take some courage and honesty to self evaluate, but are you patronizing and/or condescending towards her? She is an adult now. And probably not so “little” now either.
Personal rant alert (sorry)
It was an irritant to me that my sister (two years older than I) would always introduce me as her little sister (even after I asked her to say “younger”). I found it belittling and just another superiority dig at my expense, validated by her smirk and shimmy nose in the air mannerisms.

If you need to keep the connection, then your suggestion of emotionally detaching will work. Lowering your expectations to zero may eliminate disappointment. Don’t volunteer or share personal circumstances so she can’t shoot them down. Treat her as an acquaintance, as you say- you are not close.

The dynamic between you is cast and there's nothing you can do unless there's a drastic change in circumstances for one (or both) of you, like illness or miraculous wealth.

FWIW I think my S is a selfish, bossy neurotic. She hates me now that I have the confidence to stand up to her and calls me anything under the sun for doing so like a stuck record, and I got bored with it long ago. She can whistle.

Let it go, you can't change anything but your attitude to it, as they say.

are you patronizing and/or condescending towards her

OMG she's patronising to me. She often feels the need to explain stuff to me that I know about, or how to live my life. DH notices she does this too.

I don't tell her how to run hers. She's more successful than me careerwise. She doesn't have kids. She doesn't get how tough parenting can be.

FWIW I don't introduce her as my little sister.

I'm currently NC with my sister for exactly the same reason.

Got fed up walking around on eggshells trying not to 'set her off'.

She's a snob. She speaks incredibly rudely to and about everyone.

Rolled her eyes every time her husband dared to take a breath.

Stormed around complaining about 'having to do everything' but criticised anyone who tried to help her..

All came to a head one day when she was spectacularly rude to our Mum and I called her out on it. She hasn't spoke to me since. (2 years ago.)

It's actually a relief. Life is much more relaxed now! Only downside is I don't see my nieces as much as I'd like to, but they know the situation and that I love 'em, and they'll be old enough soon to choose to spend time with me if they want to.

It’s not you, then, it’s her.
Make effective boundaries and stick with them. It is fantastic that you have the support of your dh.

My sister doesn’t have dc either. She saw herself as some sort of Marry Poppins “practically perfect in every way” aunt, very judgmental (to the point of sniffing my dc to see if they were clean).