My sister doesn't like me. What do I do?

[blinkowl]

If you asked my sister if she likes me, she'd probably say yes (I think) and she'd say she cares about me.

But it's become apparent to me that on a day to day level, she doesn't actually like me.

I realised this recently. Last year our father was very ill, and then died. After he died we spent time with my mum and had to cooperate to help her sort things out.

My sis and I used to argue lots as kids and teens. Then occasionally as adults. She gets very easily offended. Being forced to spend time together made me realise something. The pattern that we'd fallen into as young adults was this:

• I say something (usually expressing an opinion about something)
• Sis would be annoyed at what I've said, then arsey to me
• I react in kind
• Sis seems totally unaware that she was arsey and reacts as if I've attacked her from nowhere

So, in order to keep the peace, for years now, the pattern has been this:

• I express an opinion
• Sis is arsey to me
• I bite my lip to keep the peace

I've got so used to doing that I'd stopped noticing it happening.

But with my father's death to deal with, there were things I did want to voice an opinion about, and I became aware that she basically doesn't like me having opinions. If I say something, her default reaction is to argue with it, refute it, prove me wrong. I didn't always bite my lip and we ended up having an argument, but this time I stood my ground and said "look sis, this is what you're doing. You argue with me every time I have an opinion." and she admitted that yes, she is aware she does that sometimes.

I'm the older sister, and when we were little I suspect she found me overbearing and we've fallen into those patterns since. I am an extrovert, she is an introvert. But we're not kids now.

But even so, now, I can't do anything right. Just having conversations seems to piss her off. I've become aware, that when I am speaking, she sometimes turns her back and walks away as she doesn't like what I'm saying or the way I'm saying it. I think she thinks I don't notice, and I had trained myself to ignore it. But suddenly I find I can't ignore it. I don't know why she thinks I don't notice - it's obvious to other people too.

I am her [https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bitch%20Eating%20Crackers bitch eating crackers]] (a great phrase another thread here reminded me of). Nothing I can do is right.

And I don't feel like ignoring it any more. I can't change my personality. She just doesn't like me.

So, what now? What do I do?

I did feel like telling her I don't want to see her. But I know she does care about me, and she loves my DC. But I don't think I can carry on ignoring it. Now it's so clear to me, it hurts. Should I try to speak to her? Explain what she's doing and how it affects me? I'm not sure I'm really up for that though...

Actually what I've done is not be in contact much, but chat sometimes. We're not that close a family anyway so it's not a huge difference but she probably thinks I haven't been supportive enough since my dad died. But I don't want to cause arguments. I just want to protect myself from being hurt.

What would you do?

You can care about her without being close. You don't have to get along, it's not compulsory.

I think ignoring and getting on with your life is probably the best you can do, if you tell her how much she pisses you off its just going to make her hate you.

It’s not you, then, it’s her.

To be fair, I think it did used to be me.

I was thick skinned and overbearing as a child and teenager, and into my early 20s, in retrospect. I can see I probably was hard work to be around at times.

I've had a huge amount of life experience since then and - over 20 years later - I'm not the same person. But it looks like my sis is stuck in the rut of reacting to the person I was 20-30 years ago.

If you can email me here [email protected] same situation as you.

Same situation as you email me here if you can [email protected]

I came here to find the answer. My baby sister has completely dumped me. Of course she has family that I have acknowledged b-days, school projects, rehearsals and on and on.
Not one note from anyone when I was recovering from surgery or b-day wishes. These kids are in their 20,s now.
I still send B-day money and rarely get an acknowledgement. It hurts.

Hi, I am after some advice. My older Sister and I have not spoken for more than 6 months after a very petty misunderstandings followed by some extremely abusive texts. She has done this before to me and I completely ignored the texts and rang her instead but she did not reply. When she sent me these more recent abusive texts I did not reply initially but I did after a while. We have ignored each others now for a while but I have now contacted her to meet up so we can try to discuss and move on. She seems to think that everything was sorted via text but I blocked her as I do not want to communicate via text etc so I have some things I want to say and clear the air. She just wants me to carry on regardless! I will also add that I am always expected to pop over to her house, she never visits us. I could go on and on. I have come to the conclusion that she had a passive aggressive personality and feels uncomfortable when I pick her up on something. All advice greatly appreciated x

You need to take the bereavement into consideration here too. Your Dad only died last year. Even though you are not going around the place crying, you may well find that you and your sister will be in a much better place this time next year.
When a parent dies a lot of anger comes up, siblings revert to being their child selves much more strongly. The family dynamics undergo a shift. You can start re-living the sibling connections much more strongly except that now you are adults. There is a feeling of destablisation and people question their place in the family.
My advice would be give each other a wide margin of benefit of the doubt for another year or so. If arguments start to flare step away for the time being.

I also think that it would be interesting to hear her side of the story. Maybe your opinions are delivered in a preachy manner. It could be that you come off as know-it-all bossy boots without even realising it 😉 and she's thinking that her restraint is admirable.

I'm a younger and an older sister and I observe myself playing both know-it-all and defensive roles. I find that it's much easier to catch myself in the bossy older sister role and change than to step out of my younger sister role and speak up to my older sister's incredibly condescending attitude. I know that my younger sibling has expressed apprecitation for that and I'm definitely working on it.

I don't think you have to get on well to still be supportive of each other in times of crisis. As you've already proved.

Of course it would be nice if you enjoyed spending time together, but neither of you do. You want her to change, she probably wants you to change. Sometimes family are duty visits and duty calls.

When the chips are down, you're there for each other, and that's more than some sibling relationships have.

Oh zombie thread. Sorry.

OMG she's patronising to me. She often feels the need to explain stuff to me that I know about, or how to live my life. DH notices she does this too.

Then she doesn't get to be around your kids, soak up the good family vibe of YOUR family, and then speak to you like shit and demonstrate to your kids that you're lesser somehow. She just doesn't. She wants to be part of your family, she fucking has some respect for you as a person!

You can't change her, so yep I'd back off. Before your kids start copying the eye-rolling and absorb that lovely Auntie X thinks mummy needs taking down a peg or two.