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Original poster

Cannot trust a trustworthy man?!

49 replies

Astressedlady · 11/04/2018 04:09

Hello. I’ve met my partner a year ago, I love him dearly and have wanted to meet someone like him for a long time and see such a good future ahead of us...queue the ugly anxiety and insecurity from my part that raises its head constantly in the relationship (past trust issues with exes, life situations have greatly shattered my levels of trust and distorted my reality of how I perceive what is potentially threatening to my happiness)

Recently, I made the mistake of looking at his pc..out of morbid curiosity to see what pics of his ex looked like. I opened up a can of worms as there were photo albums of them just kissing- photo after photo, the album was even called ‘kisses’. There were also folders of Valentines celebrations, plus many more seemingly happy and romantic times they’d shared. He’s always lead me to believe that this woman he was with for a few years wasn’t the one for him and that he didn’t see a future with her- despite his proposal to her a few years back. He’s always said they had no connection and that he is completely over that relationship. I know I shouldn’t have done this..but I deleted the photo albums.

Tonight, I stupidly returned to his pc and saw that he’d moved the photo albums I deleted to the original file paths on his computer- making me question why the hell he would want to keep photos of him and her kissing passionately and sharing valentines dinners. What I want to address is both why he would want to keep these pics and also what it is that I’m so insecure about.

He’s never given me a reason not to trust him yet I can’t help but feel I should prepare myself for hurt. I’ve seen a counsellor about my levels of anxiety and insecurity but it was a short term solution to a long term issue of mine. I feel like I’m sabotaging a good relationship by looking for things to hurt or worry me and I would so appreciate anyone else’s views or advice on this. I can’t tell my friends or family as I feel too embarrassed by it all and my partner has understandably had enough of trying to reassure me.

Please don’t judge me. I’m at a low point and feeling like I don’t know if I should continue the relationship.

OP posts:
Copperbonnet · 11/04/2018 04:28

She is part of his history. You can’t delete her even if you did delete the pictures.

Even if she isn’t important to him now she once was. He may not have looked st them for years until you dig them up again.

What concerns me more is that you found the pictures and instead of discussing them sensibly you deleted them.

He discovered that you had deleted them and instead of discussing it with you just put them back.

Trust takes time to build but you aren’t going to be able to build it while you both have such truly dire communication skills.

Sit your man down for a proper honest heart to heart chat.

Open with an apology for invading his privacy and follow it up with an apology for deleting the pictures.

Original poster
Astressedlady · 11/04/2018 04:31

Thank you your reply, Copperbonnet.

When I originally found the pics, I spoke to him about it and asked why he had photo albums of them kissing. He said something along the lines of ‘I thought it would be nice thing to do’. I didn’t tell him I’d deleted the pics though, so he’d clearly looked, noticed they’d been deleted and chose to restore them. He didn’t mention this to me at any point. This sounds so messy, I know.

OP posts:
Copperbonnet · 11/04/2018 04:34

Proper talk needed.

You need to address your worries and agree some lines in the sand.

Original poster
Astressedlady · 11/04/2018 04:39

Thank you- although we’ve talked until we’re blue in the face about how he’s over his ex and how it’s only me he wants to be with- and also acknowledging how insecure I am.

The maddening thing is I know he’s trustworthy, I don’t think he’s secretly wanting to be with his ex- just choosing to keep pics of them kissing is bizarre to me. I have exes too and wouldn’t have dreamt of keeping such pics in a new relationship.

I think of it like this..if one day we had kids, would he want his children to see such piccies of him passionately kissing another woman?

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 11/04/2018 05:16

I don’t think he’s secretly wanting to be with his ex- just choosing to keep pics of them kissing is bizarre to me

He isn't you though. What's bizarre to one person is normal to another. If you met someone who didn't have photos of kissing an ex, is it likely you would find out something else about them that would worry you? That he took you to a place where he once took an ex? That he keeps a ring an ex gave him? That an ex sent him a text wishing him Happy Birthday, even though they split up 3 years ago?
Let it go and work on your self-esteem and confidence.

Charley50 · 11/04/2018 05:24

I think you're in danger of destroying your relationship with your insecurity. I have just done this, and now I dearly wish I had more of an easygoing attitude.

I have love letters and photos of exes; I never really look at them, but I wouldn't chuck / delete them, just because.

You also shouldn't need to have extensive conversations about him convincing you he's got over his ex; he's with you now.

We can't control peoples pasts, and we can't actually control what they are going to do or not do, so just enjoy what you have together and try to not care as much about controlling his feelings. I know it's hard to do, but you can really kill the relationship with your behaviour; how would you feel if he went on your PC and deleted loads of your photos?

DumbleDee · 11/04/2018 06:44

OP if someone went in my PC and deleted albums it would be a massive red flag and I'd be leaving!

Get some help before it's too late.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 11/04/2018 06:51

You don't need to understand why he kept them photos, its none of your business.
It was his life, a part of his existence that happened before you. If he wants to keep them he can.
Personally I thunk you were completely out of order. One for invading his privacy and secondly for deleting them. You spoke to him but you weren't honest with him about deleting them so who is the one who is being deceitful here?
I've had a relationship with someone who was insecure and hated the fact that I may have loved others before him. He had so much baggage from his past that it was awful. Having to constantly explain myself, defend myself and consider how he would react every time I came into contact with an ex or another man that it spilled over and poisened everything we had, while nearly destroying me. It was exhausting and toxic.
Please don't do this to what you say is a nice man.
I think you need to end this relationship and re start counselling. You need to throw yourself into it 100%. Lots of people think just going to therapy will help, but as like most things in life, you only get out what you put in. Therapy isn't just about going and talking to someone who is going to wave a wand and make your issues disappear. It's about hard graft, honesty and taking yourself out of your comfort zone . It takes a lot more strength and integrity to accept, acknowledge and work through your issues than it just does to use your past as an excuse to make another human miserable.
I thunk until you are in a place where you know your own worth and are a 100% confident that you can genuinely feel 'so ok it will hurt if he cheats/lets me down but I will cope and 'if he's stupid enough not to see how important and great I am then I don't wasn't him anyway' then you have no business getting into a relationship. Otherwise all you do is offload your shit and hurt onto someone else and that's nor fair.

lostinjapan · 11/04/2018 07:05

I would be so pissed off at someone deleting my photos that, even if I didn’t want the photos anymore, I would have instantly restored them out of principle.

It’s really not OK to destroy someone’s property like that. It’s controlling behaviour.

GreenItWas · 11/04/2018 07:10

If you deleted anything on my PC I would be out the door so fast you wouldn't see my ass for dust.

loveyoutothemoon · 11/04/2018 07:55

Why the hell did you delete his pictures? That's his personal past and have no right.

user1487175389 · 11/04/2018 08:05

I think you should take a break from this relationship. Do some reading, have some counselling, get your head together. You may actually be right not to trust him, but then again you may just be paranoid.

Either way, I think some time, some distance and the help of a professional has got to help you. You don't sound ready to be in a relationship right now, and that's OK. If he's really as nice as you say, he'll still be around when you've sorted your head out.

joystir59 · 11/04/2018 08:10

My OH has all kinds of momentoes and photos of her last relationship and they are still very good friends. It's fine. Her ex and partner are coming to stay in the summer and also visit them. One of my closest friends is my exh. My grown up son lives with him. Just because we move on into new relationships doesn't erase our connections with people in our past, those connections just settle into friendship or memories.

ShatnersWig · 11/04/2018 08:27

You're not in the right place for a relationship. You need counselling/therapy for your insecurities. If I'd been your partner, I'd be gone for what you did.

Original poster
Astressedlady · 11/04/2018 09:30

Thanks for taking the time to reply: some of the sentiments I feel are quite judgemental, but guess honesty from perfect strangers is always an eye opener- hence me joining this site...

I don’t think what I’ve done is unforgivable, but I know it’s not acceptable.

Cheers guys.

OP posts:
pencilhoarder · 11/04/2018 09:57

I take a different view to some pp. Aside from your past relationship issues that still affect you, I think DP has not got over his previous relationship. Are they still in contact to your knowledge?

It may be that DP would rekindle that relationship if the opportunity arises if he is still sentimentally attached, and keeping an album of old smoochy photos would suggest that to me. Part of moving on is getting rid of stuff like that. Keeping one or two photos maybe, but a whole album of them may be a warning sign for you.

IIWM I would be wondering about DP's present commitment to your relationship. If he won't discuss the issue frankly and even ignores your 'intervention' I think there's something underlying that he doesn't want you to know and that's hardly fair on you.

At the end of the day the ability to trust a person has to be supported by their behaviour.

HollowTalk · 11/04/2018 10:03

I think deleting someone's photos is unforgivable, not just unacceptable. It was his computer - his private space - and you entered it without permission and deleted photos that meant something to him. If I were him, I would've ended the relationship over that.

MargoLovebutter · 11/04/2018 10:12

Astressedlady is there anyway you could go and have some counselling? I have all sorts of issues from childhood and abusive relationships, so I found someone who could help me sort it all out and not drag the issues with me from one relationship to the next.

If you looked at my computer or in my albums you'd find photos of me and my ex-H looking happy & together - despite the fact he was a complete arse and the relationship was severely dysfunctional and abusive! It is not fair for you to project your trust issues from past relationships on to this new man, who you really like. You need to address your own issues first and leave his computer alone - really, really alone. You have to respect his privacy and personal stuff.

pudding21 · 11/04/2018 10:21

You deleted his pictures?? I would be done if you had done that to me, sorry, regardless of what the pictures were of. He had a life, just like you before you got together, you can't just erase everything and think it will be ok.............

SoyDora · 11/04/2018 10:27

I’m another who would be beyond fuming if someone deleted my personal photos from my personal computer.
He has a past, we all do. Just because he’s no longer in that relationship it doesn’t mean he can, or should even want to, erase all the memories of it. He’s with you, not her.

Bexter801 · 11/04/2018 10:31

For your own sanity,accept he had a past (we all do!) I still have cards/photos from my ex 20 years ago....not because I pine for him,love him,but because it's sentimental,reminds me of other things,myself back then. If I were you,I'd apologise for deleting them(otherwise there'll be this unsaid weirdness between ye),and either drive yourself bonkers checking his phone,etc constantly,or decide to trust him and carry on being happy

Cricrichan · 11/04/2018 10:57

You were completely out of order deleting someone else's pics. I keep all my photos even though I've no intention of going back to exes.

loveyoutothemoon · 11/04/2018 11:42

Could you forgive someone who deleted lots of your own pictures that had nothing to do with them?

pencilhoarder · 11/04/2018 13:38

The OP has admitted she did something unethical in a moment of stress by trying to delete the photos. It's done now, and it seems she's learnt that lesson.

All your instincts will be telling you to protect yourself from what happened before in relationships, OP, and it's almost impossible to turn that self protection mode off after what you've been through. I was and am the same, so I really do understand.

FailingTheBoyfriendExam · 11/04/2018 13:42

Agree with most of the comments. Having memories of past relationships - including photos - sounds fine to me. Deleting somebody's photos that have absolutely nothing to do with you isn't. If I was him, I would be seriously questioning whether I wanted a future with you. What you did really isn't OK.

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