Cannot trust a trustworthy man?!

[Astressedlady]

Hello. I’ve met my partner a year ago, I love him dearly and have wanted to meet someone like him for a long time and see such a good future ahead of us...queue the ugly anxiety and insecurity from my part that raises its head constantly in the relationship (past trust issues with exes, life situations have greatly shattered my levels of trust and distorted my reality of how I perceive what is potentially threatening to my happiness)

Recently, I made the mistake of looking at his pc..out of morbid curiosity to see what pics of his ex looked like. I opened up a can of worms as there were photo albums of them just kissing- photo after photo, the album was even called ‘kisses’. There were also folders of Valentines celebrations, plus many more seemingly happy and romantic times they’d shared. He’s always lead me to believe that this woman he was with for a few years wasn’t the one for him and that he didn’t see a future with her- despite his proposal to her a few years back. He’s always said they had no connection and that he is completely over that relationship. I know I shouldn’t have done this..but I deleted the photo albums.

Tonight, I stupidly returned to his pc and saw that he’d moved the photo albums I deleted to the original file paths on his computer- making me question why the hell he would want to keep photos of him and her kissing passionately and sharing valentines dinners. What I want to address is both why he would want to keep these pics and also what it is that I’m so insecure about.

He’s never given me a reason not to trust him yet I can’t help but feel I should prepare myself for hurt. I’ve seen a counsellor about my levels of anxiety and insecurity but it was a short term solution to a long term issue of mine. I feel like I’m sabotaging a good relationship by looking for things to hurt or worry me and I would so appreciate anyone else’s views or advice on this. I can’t tell my friends or family as I feel too embarrassed by it all and my partner has understandably had enough of trying to reassure me.

Please don’t judge me. I’m at a low point and feeling like I don’t know if I should continue the relationship.

The problem with snooping is you create scenarios in your head that aren’t there. I have all my old photos with my ex but I never look at them, if I come across one I usually say ‘Eugh!’ but I don’t delete them, they’re just part of the past. I had a similar experience to you, my ex was an abusive arsehole who repeatedly cheated, I snooped often and always found something but stupidly stayed. When I met my now DH I began to have some of those same suspicions with no cause and realised I had been conditioned into that pattern of behaviour.

I think you have to try and be a new person in a new relationship, your previous trust issues are linked to specific events/people, not your new DP.

Do memories of your ex alter how you feel about your DP? Think of photos like memories, they are there but they change nothing about the present. Some hold negative feelings too but you don’t see that just looking at them. e.g. There was a lovely photo of my DH and his ex having a romantic meal at a gorgeous restaurant. Turns out that was the night he found out she was having an affair.

Reading something like The Chimp Paradox might help you.

Pencilhoarder - thank you.

I’m certainly not looking for sympathy, but I’m also not looking to be told off- I was curious to see if anyone ‘out there’ had similar experiences or advice - anything. As I keep saying, I’m not proud.

Re counselling, it definitely helped and I took a lot away from the sessions, the thing I found was that it’s so expensive and wasn’t something my limited funds could sustain. There are other things I’ve tried to ease my anxiety, and still try in the hope that they’ll have an effect over time.

I appreciate Mumsnetters taking the time to offer their thoughts on the situation, but feel that a bit of bashing isn’t required here- please don’t forget you know nothing of previous histories which has lead to my anxiety and deep insecurity. My partner has said he’s patient enough to see it through and my feelings around insecurity won’t last forever.

BlondeD83

That’s a coincidence...I have just bought this book and hace started to read it, it seems to make sense so far and gives a good insight into the ways harmful thoughts can affect our lives.

I certainly don’t feel anything if I happen to see a pic of an ex. I just want to be able to learn to relax and be happy, because my behaviour snooping is just not acceptable and isn’t something I would ever want to become a habit.

Thankyou for all of your comments.

Hey OP, one of my friends has an attitude that if her partner cheated on her, that's his loss. She wouldn't see it as a reflection on her.
She is secure and non-jealous/possessive in her relationship.
I would like to be like that myself, as it's confidence and also self - protection.

“He’s always lead me to believe that this woman he was with for a few years wasn’t the one for him and that he didn’t see a future with her- despite his proposal to her a few years back”

Nice, decent men don’t propose marriage to women they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives with. That would be deceiving them and lying to them.

So why would he admit this to you? Did he say this for your benefit because you need to be believe you’re the only one he has ever pictured getting old with? Or is he a cold, calculating asshole who says he loves you but really you’re just dating material for the here and now?

I don’t think what I’ve done is unforgivable, but I know it’s not acceptable

We all have different boundaries. I might not finish with someone who did this, (if the sex were great and they were really funny) but I would instantly know they were not long term partner material.

I know exactly how you feel OP as I'm exactly the same as you. I'm incredibly insecure to the extent that it's exhausting!! I know I'm irrational so don't act on my thoughts but the fact they are there is just painful day in day out!! I do have some insecurities about past relationships but it's more about how he feels about me that I worry about. I still have pictures of my ex both on the house and on Facebook. I have 0 feelings towards him and the relationship was toxic but I still feel like i can't get rid of them as they are part of me and I must have been happy once so I imagine that this is what this is about for your OH.

I agree with pencil. If you want to get counseling, get it for yourself. Don't get it so you can learn how to switch off your bullshit detector and live a blind "happy" life in ignorance.

Something doesn't add up. You know that. You can see that. You know whether he is the kind of person who can have reams of slushy photos with someone he asserts he wasn't that into or not, but frankly if he is... who does that? Not a nice man, that's who.

And if he was that into her - which it certainly seems he was - why wouldn't he tell you? Why wouldn't he own that? Never trust a man who says they weren't that into their ex.

Look, I could give him the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps he's trying to protect you, doesn't want you to worry etc., but the truth is we don't know. And your suspicion is telling you you need to find out. So you and him, you need to try and get to that point of honesty, because there's bullshit in here somewhere I assure you!

And if it still doesn't feel true, it isn't you. When you've had bad experiences and you're anxious it takes time, but a trustworthy person soothes those fears with their actions in that time, they don't inflame them. Listen to yourself.

Most people have a past. I met my husband in my later 20s and was fully aware he had had a long term (10 years) girlfriend before me. My husband is a keen photographer and has thousands of pictures days out, holidays etc of family friends girlfriend etc. I wouldn't dream of deleting any of them even ones of him and his ex-girlfriend. It isn't my place to do that. Your reaction deleting photos is over the top and out of order.

ShiftyMcGifty - the fact they didn’t get married shows me that it can’t have been that right for him as he called off the engagement. He said on paper things looked great but the reality of it, whilst he did really care about her, was that he didn’t feel much of a connection and didn’t want a future, hence calling it all off.

I’m not anxious because of anything he’s done to me- he’s only ever been sweet and patient and loving. The entire issue of having anxiety is that it’s a worry of something that doesn’t exist or hasn’t occurred. Or as another commenter on here said, coming up with wild scenarios in ones head.

I think I’ve more than enough understood that I need to drastically change my outlook and chill the f out in life - which is what I’ll strive to do hereafter.

You just committed a massive invasion of his privacy not to mention looking like a complete bunny boiler. If I was him I'd be dumping you asap. Who needs a jealous partner who does such things? Sort yourself out before you get into another relationship.

Alittlebitconfused - you do seem very confused as you are passing judgement without even knowing me or my history or situation fully. Please remember you are a complete stranger posting your own opinions and judgements on an online forum people you have never met and do not have any understanding of. Trying to psychologise people from behind a computer screen is serious bullshit.

Re your ‘tactful’ comment of ‘Getting my shit together’- sometimes things flag up in a relationship as you experience them: unfortunately I am not a fortune teller and couldn’t have predicted for feeling this way when I entered into the relationship.

I’d thank the rest of you to stop with the judgemental and harsh comments as I’ve had my fill of it now.

It's sad some posters can't see beyond the photos. Maybe that's the bit they identify with and have never experienced what you have, so they don't really understand how much this affects everything.

Go forward hopefully, and be true to yourself, OP, that's all you can be at the end of the day.

For snooping on me and deleting my pictures due to your issues, we’d be over! I would not be snopped on, if you've got issue then you need to sodding well deal with them not go snopping

Everyone has a past, some people keep pictures of the past not everyone throws away or burns every picture of an ex. The past doesn’t change just becuase you deleted pictures, he was still in a realtionship with her.

With all due respect I'm in no way confused, youve posted on a public forum about your insecurities and how it's caused you to do something really shitty, but then you moan and whine when posters give you advice. Just because it isn't want you want to hear doesn't mean we are judging you. If you can't take criticism don't post examples of your childish behaviour online.
I have been on the receiving end of someone who is insecure and allows past experiences to influence their current behaviour. If you could see further than your own 'poor me' attitude maybe you would see I was drawing on my own experience to validate my opinion.
I know how it feels to have to be 'patient' with someone even when you've done nothing wrong. To have to explain and justify (and modify behaviour) because someone has issues that prevent them from giving me the trust I deserve. I know the impact it can have on your personality, do you? That's the point I was making. It's not fair to do that to someone because you are insecure or suffer with anxiety. That's why I feel it's unfair entering into relationships until past baggage is resolved. It's not about having a crystal ball it's about being self aware and knowing there are things you need to deal with rather than making someone else deal with them too.
I haven't, nor do I have the desire to phsycoanalyse you, you've explained your issues and how they cause you to act youself. I was giving my opinion based on what you have said.
Like I said you were in the wrong, there is no excuse, if you don't like people giving you opinions that differ to yours don't broadcast your issues so publicly.

Some people are dense op. Just remember that.
I'm not surprised you're anxious and insecure. What your bf has told you about his past relationship and what the photos show are incongruous. What I'd take from it is he is playing down how strongly he felt for ex or he's full of shite and a good liar.
Maybe an honest talk is needed and you need to accept he's underplayed the past, possibly to protect you. And yes get help for your anxiety. Deleting photos is unreasonable. Getting an answer from him isn't

rumred, haven't you read all the posts by other posters saying that they have old photos of their ex and them. I still have my wedding photos, amongst many others. Me & ex-H looking happy on our wedding day and in all the other photos. The relationship was a nightmare and he was abusive but you'd never know that from looking at the photos!!!!!!!

I also have photos of me on holiday with a boyfriend from after I got divorced. You'd think we were having a blast because we smiled and looked happy for the camera. We weren't though & split up shortly afterwards.

Trust issues need to be addressed by the person who has them & I speak from personal experience. You have to deal with your issues yourself and solve them yourself before projecting them on to someone else, who as the OP said has done NOTHING to suggest that they are untrustworthy.

Iffyjiffy I have an understanding of anxiety and how it affects you, as I said I suffer from ptsd and anxiety myself. I suffer with these conditions as result of being with someone who was so insecure they tried to control every aspect of my life and treated me poorly as a result.
That's why I have no intention of becoming involved in a relationship, I'm currently in therapy, putting in the hard work to make myself well and to learn how to control and maintain my mental health.
Until I have succeeded there is no way I will be making someone else suffer because of my issues.thats my point, that's my opinion and that's why I posted. I can show and have an immense amount of empathy for anyone that suffers from conditions of this type, on the other hand I feel strongly about not using it as a reason to mistreat others.

Dense.....nice .....I guess I'm happy being Dense, rather that than rude.
Maybe I'm in the minority (although this post indicates itherwise) but I don't expect people to explain in great detail their past relationships or how much they felt for someone, just to ease my insecurities. Nor would I expect my dp to justify why he has kept photos of a passed LTR

Could him restoring the photos have been done in retaliation to you deleting them when you didn't have a right to? That isn't meant to sound accusatory just pointing out an idea. It could be a 'they're my photos she can't delete them' type thing rather than any real emotional attachment he has to them?

Fearfulltrill- I think you’re right here- he’s a principled guy and would probably be doing it to prove a point. Which he’s absolutely right to do. It’s just my ridiculous way of thinking he’s somehow pining after her and I think I’m compltely misreading it.

Alittleconfused- you really didn’t read my posts..I’ve not moaned about people’s advice and have stated many times that I know I’m in the wrong.

The delivery of your original post on here was completely out of order, which is why it was removed. Remember, your experience of putting personal opinions are not gospel. Sad to hear you’ve experience anxiety as it’s stressful and disruptive - but no need to bash others who are experiencing the same.

I don’t think I need to comment any further.

MargoLoveButter- you are absolutely right and the issues are all mine :-(

It’s something I really struggle with and think self-esteem (or lack of) is one of the issues I have. I’ve found posting on here so illuminating, and feel it’s really shed some light on just how much I need to make changes- and fast.

You'd be out of my life if you deleted photos of my exes. They're exes for a reason but they were happy times and happy memories.
You don't get to control other people's memories. If you try to you could well lose a decent guy, anxiety issues notwithstanding.