He doesn't want a serious relationship. Just need to vent tbh

[catsarethebest]

I'm not exactly looking for advice, although it would be greatly appreciated. It's more that I just wanted to "talk" about this situation I'm in, and there isn't really anyone I can turn to right now.

I am a student in my early twenties, currently spending a semester in a university abroad. Shortly after arriving I met a local man in his late twenties who is also a student at the university. I was instantly attracted to him and shockingly he was attracted to me too. We've been dating exclusively ever since and it's been amazing.

A few days later, he told me that he thought we made a good couple, and that if we were still together a month or so later, he would probably ask me to be his girlfriend. However, a week or two after that, he told me very apologetically that our relationship could never be serious, as I will have to go back to the UK in a few months and complete my degree, and he has to stay here to complete his. (The two countries are extremely far apart so there would be no possibility of visiting for a weekend, etc.) Obviously I was upset, but I understood and respected the reason he gave.

The problem is that it turned out not to be the real reason. A few days later, he told me he's sworn off relationships in order to protect himself, after his ex, who he "really loved", dumped him. This happened four years ago. She got married about a month before I met him, and he says that he still loves her but that her marriage has made him finally accept that it's over. Now, I'd previously seen pictures of them together and it had made me feel sick to see the way he was looking at her in them. It had also confused me, as he is incredibly good looking and she is very average indeed. In frustration, I told him she couldn't possibly be that special. He admitted that she wasn't. Apparently, she was "a mean person" and "really bad at sex" (I'm baffled as to how he could think she was the love of his life if this was the case), not to mention the fact that she dumped him completely unexpectedly when he was going through an extremely difficult time in his family life. But he "couldn't help who he loved".

I then admitted that I have feelings for him and he told me he didn't feel the same way. That hurt a lot, but I said I didn't have any expectations and just wanted to have a nice time with him, and he was happy about that.

Since then, I feel like we've got closer and I've been falling more and more in love with him. We just went away for the weekend with some other people and had a really great time. However, when we got back on Sunday night, he said he had the impression that I thought we were a couple now (not true) and wanted to remind me that we weren't. He told me he cares about me, considers me a great friend, loves spending time with me, and thinks the sex is really good. But he's not serious about me. Okay...

It just hurts because I'm an extremely affectionate person and so is he. He is by far the most affectionate partner I've had and he's said the same thing about me. And he is so sweet and caring with me that sometimes I feel like he must love me too. I couldn't imagine being like that with someone I wasn't serious about...

The good thing is that I saw him again yesterday briefly, and we had a nice conversation and a laugh together. I'm glad things aren't awkward between us. I suppose all I can do is appreciate what we have and try not to dwell too much on his refusal to commit.

Well, that's the way things are and I feel a bit better for having written it down. Sorry for such a long post, and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it all!

I feel for you. It's hard when your feelings aren't reciprocated. His weren't with his ex and yours aren't with him.

Only you know what is acceptable to you. Cut your losses and find someone who makes you feel loved? Stick with him knowing that he yearns to be with someone else? Maybe he will fall in love but probably he won't. Or cut your losses and enjoy being single in a foreign land? Might take a while to get over him but probably the sensible choice.

I think the comments about his ex's looks suggest you have some living to do. It genuinely isn't all about looks.

Oh hun, it can happen to anyone at any age and any place. Unfortunately what he says is the truth, and you have to take that no matter how much he acts like you're boyfriend. He's never going to commit to you. You can either continue things until you leave and take it as what it is or you can end it now and feel sad the rest of your time. You seem like you get it, even though it's very disappointing. I'd just enjoy it for what it is. I'm in something similar with someone who doesn't want commitment from me at all, however we live down the road from each other. He still acts like my boyfriend and does boyfriend things when it suits him, but yes am reminded that he won't be anything more to me. Just enjoy it for now, in some ways I think things seem better and more magical/great chemistry when they aren't actually forever.

He's clearly messing with your head, but now also making it clear that he only see's you as fun. Even if he did want a relationship, could it really work, being in really far apart countries? I think you need to accept this won't last. He's being totally honest about the way he feels about you.

He’s told you how he feels and what he wants.

He feels like he’s still in love with his ex, and he wants a casual relationship for the remainder of your time together.

You want to infer other things from his behaviour but it sounds like he’s been quite clear.

So over to you - what do you want? Can you compromise on casual or do you want more? Either is fine. Just decide and enforce your boundaries.

Story time: a dear friend of mine married a man who said he didn’t want to have children. But she was sure he’d change his mind because he loved her and often talked about how he loved to make her happy and because her own father never wanted children but when he had them he was elated and took to it perfectly. In other words she spun herself a narrative that let her believe the opposite of what he was plainly telling her. They married. He still doesn’t want children. They’re still together but she’s desperately unhappy.

Thank you all so much for replying. Reading your responses has helped a lot.

I feel like ending things with him would just make me miserable. We would still end up seeing each other at social events which would be very awkward. And if he started seeing someone else, it would be absolutely awful for me.

Besides, I really do value my relationship with him even though I want more. He has been so kind and helpful to me and is a great friend.

As for enforcing boundaries, I feel like I actually did that on Sunday night (I asked him not to bring up the "not being a couple" topic again and he agreed). Come to think of it, that may be why things between us seemed better and less awkward yesterday. I hope that will continue.

My partner moved to Greece from the UK recently and it caused us to split up from the distance even though this is what you want now when you come home things will change. It is better to distance yourself now or accept it for what it is - great sex and companionship.

He's told you the truth about what he feels - even given multiple reasons in case one story wasn't enough. He likes you enough to have sex with and hang out but has no intention of offering anything else. You have actually given him an excuse not to say it any more so that you can keep hoping. He has given himself a free pass to use you for as long as he likes because he's been honest about not wanting anything more than casual shagging and a few dates.

I had a relationship that sounds like this between the ages of 21 and 24. I was painfully in love with him at times, fancied him so much I could hardly stand it, and also assumed that getting together at this age, he was the man I was going to marry. I also had friends tell me he was really into me - why, I have no idea, as he wasn't. At every chance he would attempt to break up with me but it's amazing how long you can sustain a 'relationship' by simply ignoring someone trying to end it, turning up at his house, and by giving blow jobs three times a week. I was also quite nasty to him because I was permanently furious he wouldn't commit. When it did eventually end (he shagged someone else and decided that he'd done enough damage/got bored) it nearly broke me, even though the relationship had been largely in my head for three years. It took six years and a marriage to get him out of my system - I pretty much married the next man I touched to prove to him that someone wanted me.

I think you are putting off the pain. I would definitely say end it now, as you don't remotely sound as if you are on the same page.

The thing is though, when he first told me he didn't want anything serious, I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me if he wanted to end it, or wanted to see other people. He said that definitely wasn't the case and that he was really happy to carry on seeing me exclusively. Plus I'm pretty sure that if he wanted to break up with me he would have done so already.

He also hadn't dated or even had sex with anyone for about a year before we met, so I don't think he's a f*ckboy or anything like that. Recently he said that our relationship is more than just sex (which gave me some false hopes). However it's true that even though we have sex on a regular basis and it's really great, we spend a lot of time hanging out doing other things either alone or with others.

Maybe I'm naïve, but I don't think he's using me. But yes, we are on different pages regarding what we want from the relationship.

Trust me, he's using you.

Hi op,
Sorry to say this but imo he is playing games with you,having a lovely time,intimate,feeling you in,then telling you he doesn't want a relationship?no,he wants his cake and to eat it too!
End it with him and enjoy being single and studying in a new country.
You are young and free,it's not the time to be worrying about someone who is so very transparent and cruel.
These years could be the best of your life so get out there with friends and enjoy being young free and single!

Reeling you in...

You are the “good enough for now girl”.
He is using you.
You are wasting your time with him.
Having so much of your attention focused on him means you are missing out on noticing/experiencing so much more during your time there.

I then admitted that I have feelings for him and he told me he didn't feel the same way. That hurt a lot, but I said I didn't have any expectations and just wanted to have a nice time with him, and he was happy about that.

Here's your problem. You told him you don't have any expectations when you clearly do.

If you keep seeing him, you are inevitably going to end up with dashed hopes and hurt feelings. If you think that the fun you're having now is worth more than the pain you'll suffer later, then by all means carry on. But don't delude yourself that you're somehow going to avoid the pain.

You haven't been honest with him.

I think it's unfair of people to say he's using you or is 'cruel' - he's been completely honest with you but you are hoping he means something different or will change his mind.

I have been out with plenty of men because I enjoyed their company and being with them but had no intention of it becoming long term or serious. It was what it was at the time.

If it suits you to carry on seeing him and enjoying it for what it is; then do so. If not; don't.

You're both studying together for now but will be returning to distant countries at a known and fixed time.

Why can't you just see it as a holiday romance type relationship? Why does it have to be something else? Why does he have to be villified because, logistically, it's all it can be and he's told you that.

If I'm having sex with a guy and am on a fwb page, if the guy is clearly falling for me then I should care enough to stop seeing him. That's what I mean by using. It's easy to mean different things by this rather vague vocabulary. You want more, he doesn't, he really should end it but you are also responsible for your own feelings. The fact that you have latched on to him saying it's more than sex shows how keen you are to read stuff into things he's said to make himself feel better.

You need to examine your personal boundaries and reflect on what self respect means because you are treading dangerous ground emotionally by making yourself so available to him.
Men really don't respect women who put up with anything, who are grateful for any crumb of affection thrown their way and the sooner you realise that, the better it will be for your self esteem and future mental health.

You are using each other.
You need to decide if you are happy with that until you go home or not.

Besides, I really do value my relationship with him

he does not value you lovely

Shocking that he fancied you?!

Why put yourself through this angst: he doesn’t want to be with you, so don’t give him your time and attention.

You don’t seem to respect or value yourself enough. Or expect enough of boyfriends. Suggest being single while you work on this.

He might be into you a bit, enough for sex and time with you (“more than sex”), but not as much as he’s into himself and leaving the door open to other sexual partners.

Not much in that for you reallyz

You have not enforced any boundaries when you told him not to mention ' not being a couple again ' he now thinks you are fine with the set up you have together.

In my honest opinion, the thing is about your situation is that because you are there for only one semester, you are from different countries and you need to stay in those different countries to finish your degrees, the bar for this being a relationship is extremely high. It would have to be clearly SO RIGHT for you to get through years and years of all the distance stuff. So I suspect he hasn't been lying. In that sense, this just isn't like a relationship with another local, it pushes him into an all or nothing assessment early on, and for him it isn't SO RIGHT and he's trying to be honest. You now need to be honest with yourself.

Personally, given this is a semester, I don't full get why he hasn't either waited till the end of the trip or just ended it properly and left you alone, but I guess he just knows there's this natural end point (as do you)

Now the cat's out of the bag, and you know how he feels, what's better for you? Shag him and kid yourself for the rest of the semester, or enjoy your experience abroad in other ways? Up to to you, just take a weekend and do what will cause you less anguish.

I got together with a guy in my university year abroad btw (we were both from different other countries) and we stayed together through a semester. I then went on one trip to see him in his country on the other side of the world. At the end of the trip he ended it, for exactly the reason above at the end of my trip. Honestly, he was right - we'd had fun, and actually we'd had a nice trip, but the passion wasn't there to sustain constant transatlantic round trips. Sometimes it is (his best friend got married to a Brit he met on that same trip) but it's the exception, and you have to accept that.

ps sorry for typos, and I don't mean to sound harsh - but I do think that when you are back in your home university, things might seem different. There's an intensity to these year abroad experiences.

When a guy says 'im still in love with my ex' it means 'i don't want you'. They are such bullshit merchants. He'd be up for a relationship if he found someone else. He's just stringing you along for sex right now, knowing that you'll be gone soon so he won't have to face up to reality.

Listen to what he is saying. He is telling you he doesn't want a relationship with you. That is the truth of the situation. All the stuff about his behaviour towards you telling a different tale is you trying to kid yourself that he really means something different because you want him to so much. How do we know? Because most of us have been in your position and tricked ourselves into thinking that we meant more to someone than we did.