WWYD he is betraying me should I stay

[girlfromwest]

He is betraying me all the time, lies to me all the time. He is 30 years older. He loves me but he has issues and is doing awful things behind my back. I just gave birth to our baby girl 6 months ago. I don't love him as a man, I love him as a father of my child. He used to be my best friend, the only one, the love of my life until I was 4 months pregnant and couldn't take it anymore. I hope he is not the love of my life, if he is then I am a very unlucky person. I hope the love of my life is somewhere there, he must be so unhappy too, I will never meet him because I'm stuck with someone who promised me so much love. I promised myself I will make my baby girl happy, I will give her the full family for forever. I want her to have her Daddy always there. He gets angry when I mention betrayals. So I stay quiet and live with it. By the way I am slim and pretty and we had sex 3 weeks after c-section and Still do have good sex life. He says he has issues and is sorry. I don't want to be with him I don't want to see his face ever again. We have a happy life but I cry multiple times a day, in despair, only when in the shower on when girl is asleep. my baby girl, she deserves a happy family. Should I put up with this for forever?

Not famous, more like recognised, public person. If not the girl I wouldn't be with him anymore. But at this moment when I write I look at her and I can't imagine taking her Daddy away from her. I need to. I just don't know how and when. Now or in 15 years? Does he want to treat me like this until he is too old to "do it", I don't want to waste my youth with him. I've been for most of my twenties. Can cheaters change? Do cheaters love their women? He says he loves me but he felt stressed , he says I am the only woman for him. Well, I'm not. I feel so humiliated.

Can cheaters change? Do cheaters love their women?

1. Unlikely if a serial cheat that it sounds like he is.
2. In a way. Probably similar to how I love chocolate. I love chocolate because of what it does for me. (Ie taste nice.) I don’t think about how the chocolate feels about being eaten or if the chocolate is happy.

Now.

You are indeed wasting your youth with him. And he's 30 years older!

Anyone that treats their wife and the mother of their child the way he treats you is not a good father.

From what you have described he has no respect for you at all, and is very unlikely to change.

He is controlling, bullying and abusing you. How can you consider this a good environment in which to bring up a child?

If you are really concerned for her welfare and happiness, you must start taking steps to leave right now. In fact, I think you owe it to her. Find your strength.

Have you told
Him what you feel? Does he attempt to hide his indiscretions?

I told him many times, I cried and I begged for him to change. He always promised but he never delivered. We are a happy family from the outside because I pretend. And when I'm around my girl I forget it all and I'm happy. When she falls asleep and he is away I sulk and cry in despair. He is happy because he "has it all". He lost my love though. And when I tell him that he threatens he will kill himself. After this morning conversation I told him "please it's either me or other women" he said "it's only you but I can't take it anymore, I am going to kill myself if you act like this again". Act like what? I only said "please don't betray and humiliate me anymore"

Is it normal? Do men do that? He is my main relationship, I spent most of my adult life with him and I'm 30 in 3 months. I don't know anymore if it's normal or not. He tells me I need to see psychiatrist because I'm overreacting: That must be so sad.

I grew up without a father, from my toddler years onwards.
I have been perfectly happy and do not feel that I ever missed out.
I did see him sometimes, but hated having to see him, because he was a worthless idiot and an emotional manipulator rather like the man that you are unfortunate enough to be with.
You can choose to be a happy single mum, rather than being a miserable one with your baby's father.

Think. Would you want your child to ever be in the same position you are in now when she grows up?
If the answer is "no", then you shouldn't be in that position now either.

Also, and I strongly advise that you take note of this, when you split up with this man, do not be too eager to straight away find another partner.
You need time to become an independent, strong-minded woman, who can cope perfectly well on her own, before you begin another relationship.

As others have said, do not stay in this current relationship, letting your daughter grow up thinking that it's fine to be used like a doormat by a man.

Some of my favourite quotes from Pinterest:

"Choosing to be single isn't selfish. It's smarter to be alone than with the wrong person."

"No woman should be taught that love is how much sh*t you can take tolerate from a man."

"When someone treats you like an option, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation. It's that simple."

"If you're dating a guy who is a self-centred prick most of the time, but then reels you back in with his genuinely enjoyable side, you are not dating a guy. You are being held emotionally hostage by a selfish asshole with mood swings. Big difference, babe."

They've helped me in times when I've fallen for the wrong man!
Now, I've decided to just remain single, because that's when I'm happiest and muy true self is not compromised by anyone else.

All the best.

oh op not it’s not normal at all. Clearly he met you when you were young and has conditioned you to accepting this. Your relationship is controlling and abusive I’m afraid

Leave now while your daughter is young and can still have a great bond with her father. Kids pick up on emotions and as she grows she will see the upset he causes you and will build resentment towards him. Been a mother isn’t about giving them a mum and a dad together it’s about been there for your child, keeping them and teaching them right from wrong - if you stay you are teaching her that this is a normal life, that men come above woman and that as a man he has the right to treat you this way. Certainly not what I would want to be showing my child.

I was a single mum for a few years before I met my wonderful DP, as my ex also betrayed me, as it stands my DC have a good relationship with their father as he is happy, I am happy (both now and as a single parent) so all my children know is how much they are loved by both parents.

Staying 15 years in an unhappy relationship while be worse for your child to not only witness but then to have to deal with the aftermath of the split in their teenage years. You are worth more than this.

Keeping them safe that should read

Just read your latest post.

The man is a sociopath.

They always play the victim, act like it's your fault, twist your words and gets you so confused you don't know what to do.

He'll never change.
Now is the best time to leave, while your daughter is a baby.
Don't leave it until she's older and has to put up with his sh*t too.
Or worse, that she thinks that his behaviour is acceptable.
Please, please, please don't delude yourself that things will change and will go back to being all right.
You should never have to beg for respect and love.
If it's not there naturally, it never will be.
If he threatens to commit suicide, then great!
He's unlikely to actually do so - he's just trying to make you feel like you're being the problem one.
He's the one who needs the psychiatrist!!

Thank you everyone for the answers, it means a lot to me. I have to admit I actually believed him many times and felt like it's ok to act like he does. All the awful betrayals. I never told it to anyone I know because I didn't want to ruin his opinion and word spreads. But now I wrote it down I see it clearer. It all looks so scary but I will need to make a decision soon. I hope I will be able to. It's not what I wanted it's not what he promised when we have decided to get pregnant. It hurts so much.

This is absolutely not normal. My first partner in my early twenties was like this. Thankfully we didn't have kids but it still took me 2 years to leave. 6 months later I met a lovely man who even held my hands while we disagreed and was so open and honest and loving. We have been married 15 years and have four kids now. We have ups and downs, but we respect each other and the family we have made together. That's normal, and you shouldn't settle for anything less than that. X

Your daughter does not need an idiot like this man in her life. Do you rent or own the house? I think you should kick him out. He sounds horrible.

Thank you, I hope I will manage to do it, I know I can find a man who would be better than him but he is the father and I can't get over it.
I just spoke to him and he said he feels like we are true soulmates and I said that I am not sure about it, so he added very angrily " the history repeats himself". That I am like both of his previous wives, like them, upset that he is betraying me.
We own the house and yes I can tell him anytime to leave and the place stays for me and baby. But to live there just two of us is so sad.
I find him so repulsive but still managing to keep up the happy marriage look for everyone everywhere.

I would never want my daughter to be in this type of relationship or anywhere close to a man like that. I would make sure he is never touching her and I would protect her. Sounds wrong because it's her father, the type of man I hope she would never have to associate herself with.

I will try to sleep, thank you for all the messages xxxx

Girl I hope you managed to get some sleep and are feeling more positive this morning.

You can't stay with someone you find so repulsive. And you must ignore his bullshit about true soulmates - if that were true, would he be shagging other women? It is again a bullying and control tactic designed to guilt you into staying.

Please try and refocus your thinking: you are so bloody lucky to be able to stay in the house. It is not in the slightest bit sad to live there just the two of you, it would be a very great blessing, you would both be safe, dry, warm, happy, and no longer under the control of a sadistic bully.

You don't need this terrible man (or any man) to be a good mother, or to have a happy life. You just need to be safe, as does your daughter.

Also - please read this thread, it might help x

Right, listen up everybody.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Leave. Eventually you will grow to resent your daughter if you stay “for her sake” I say this as I stayed in an abusive marriage for longer than I would have (including after being stabbed) for my son. He sounds emotionally abusive tbh. Threats of suicide, you treading on eggshells about his bad behaviour.

Look at it like this- would you want your daughter to have this kind of relationship when she is older? NO, then leave because otherwise she will grow up thinking this is normal and then be accepting of it in her own relationship.

I know I can find a man who would be better than him but he is the father and I can't get over it

You do not need a man. You really need to do some work on your self-esteem as you are letting this elderly letch walk all you.

Do you really want your daughter growing up thinking that this type of relationship is normal and that she should let men treat her this way?

Get out now and start rebuilding your live. You don't have to block a relationship between your daughter and her father but you do need her to have a happy mother.

i just read your last post about that I am like both of his previous wives, like them, upset that he is betraying me - so he's done this before. He won't change.

Please leave now while your daughter is young.

Why are you putting up with it? Get legal advice and start making a plan.

I grew up with an abusive father and then an abusive stepfather. It’s taken me a lot of work to try and undo the damage itscaused. The best thing you can do for your daughter is show her that abuse is unacceptable by leaving.

Why would you want to stay with a man who says he will kill himself if you don't shut up?

What kind of man would even say that?

And stop all this about 'I will find another man really easily'. You don't need another man. Your daughter doesn't need a stepfather. What she needs is a happy, emotionally healthy mum who puts her first and is content with her life. She can still see her dad and have a relationship with him, but that doesn't need to involve you. He may be a perfectly wonderful father, but he's a shit husband.

You don’t need another man. Jumping from one bad relationship to the next to find a stepfather is not healthy for you or your dad either. You need to work on your self esteem.