How do I find myself?

[PhonixK]

I recently split from my husband. His doing not mine.

I've decided 4 weeks moping around is enough and I really need to find myself again and do things I enjoy.

Problem is after 11 years and 3 children I just don't know how to go about it. I've only just turned 30 so I need to find me again.

Any tips from people who have been through similar situations?

What did you use to enjoy doing before H and DCs came along? Do any of those things still appeal? If not, have you thought about doing something in the past 11 years, but not done it because of H? Now is the time to look into it.

I was 17 when I had my first child so I've gone from school to being a mum.

It sounds so pathetic when I say it out loud but I honestly don't know what I would enjoy. It's always been about the kids and husband.

I would love to travel but with 3 children and now a single mum that's going to even harder.

Everyone keeps saying go out with your friends but I can't go out drinking and dancing every weekend. Honestly just don't know what to do

Do you have friends or family who'll do evening babysitting? Will your ex be taking them for weekends etc?

Join a group that you fancy.

Dancing
Sports
Walking
Cycling
Running

I found those were way better at making friends and getting out the house

Will your ex share custody? As that will give you time to travel.

Do you work?

A new haircut and manicure can help feel like fresh start on a cosmetic level.

Match.com....

I have people who will babysit and yeah he will be taking them every second weekend.

Thank you I'll have a look at some clubs around my area

Start gently maybe. Pinterest is a good place to start for inspiration for so many things. Maybe some sort of crafts, cooking or baking, books? The library would be good too for books that don't cost. Yoga apps and meditation, good for relaxing and enjoying time to yourself.

Sorry if my suggestions are way off! Trying to think of things that don't require childcare!

Is there anything you can do with your children? My local park does a buggy run so mums meet up and jog round the park so no childcare needed. I know one of my friends gets involved with her sons cricket club as well making drinks etc and she made some friends through that.

Did you work? If not, now is the time to get more qualifications to support yourself. Maybe volunteer in different sectors to get a feel for what you like. You're only 30 so the world is your oyster.

I’d treat it like a pic n mix

Take the pressure off to find something that is really ‚‘you‘ and play lucky dip, and have a dabble at loads of different stuff.

I bought a new house and decorated it.
Spent ages in bookstores looking at what I would fancy reading and then ordering them from the library/kindle/scouring charity shops.
I joined a mindfulness group.
I put the radio in in the morning and start finding out about current affairs/new music etc ( I wasn’t living under a rock, btw, life just happened)
I suddenly had more time for facemasks and homemade pedicures, had more time to look after myself.
HTH

Oh, and best of all I re started writing diaries and running. Forgot about those!

Thank you loads of good ideas there.

I just need to get out there and see what I can find.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you op, now turning 30, 3 kids. Split about a month ago.

I am really trying to embrace my independence. It's crazy how much I feel like I've lost myself and a sense of who I am!

I am now enjoying having my own money to spend and being able to make my own decisions. I've redecorated my room, started going to gym classes with some friends, trying to have a night out/in with friends every now and then..

I agree with getting out and doing things for yourself, trial and error to see what you enjoy!

Write a list of thinks you want to do : some small and big (could be go to the cinema by yourself, visit a new town, etc.) and try and do one each time the kids are at their dads. You’ll soon be used to doing lots of new activities .

Be kind to yourself

Still, do try to take yourself back to that schoolgirl you once were. At 17 I had things that I liked doing: singing, going to see music live, reading, going to art galleries, drawing, playing hockey. They all still appeal 40 years later, even though I didn't indulge in any of them much when DCs were 10 and under.

Have you heard of Meet Up? it's an online resource that will list all the Meet Ups going on in your local area. Have a look and see if anything takes your fancy and is at a time you can manage.

If a church near you holds once a month Messy Church services, I can recommend them as the children get to do activities and you get the chance to meet and chat to adults - plus do the activities too if you like. There's usually a lunch at the end and it's all free.

What about splitting things up into sections, eg perhaps you want something for your physical and mental well-being, so look at yoga, swimming, running, the gym. Then something creative, so look at classes or hobbies in something practical. And then look at purely having fun and have a look at Meet Up, where you can meet people from your area and go out for drinks or dinner or whatever you want. You can then make friends from all those categories and build up a circle of friends who belong only to you.

When I turned 40 I wrote 40 things I'd like to try. These ranged from 'having ice skating lessons' (LOVE Dancing on Ice!) to 'try goose'.

Can you write yourself a list of 30 things you've never done that you might fancy doing?

Oh - and I then did them all over that year. Some were very mundane - some, like lose weight, were ongoing. But I had a go at everything on my list.

I love the idea of writing down 30 things!

I want to decorate so bad, unfortunately I'm in military housing so will be looking at having to leave soon so that will need to wait.

I love reading and it's something I've always done. I'm planning on buying some stuff to start baking, it might go horribly wrong but at least I will have tried!

What a brilliant idea, Bless.

Too late for 30 or 40 but I'm going to make a list of 45 things to do when I'm 45.

Don’t force yourself to just “get over it” take yours time, you’ll realise what you like doing and how you see your life in the future in time

Sport is quite good for meeting new people. I’m not one for being a fit person but recently took up running in my local town couch to 5k type thing and now have some lovely new female friends, some young some old, some childless some single mums etc. If your DH takes the kids one night in the week that means you could go and join something, hockey, netball, running etc. do it for a couple of months and you find friendships start forming.

PhonixK - Think of a book you should have read then, and put it on your list? I have English as part of my degree, but had never read any Jane Austen... That was one of my 40 things - I read 'Pride and Prejudice'.

Empress - thank you! I'm not sure if I invented the 'bucket list' - I was certainly 40 before the film came out. (And actually I've never watched it). Maybe that should be on my next list...

Very similar position, I've got 3 children and separated a year ago. I had also had my first when I was young (only 20) and felt a bit lost, like I didn't know who I was.
It was scary at first but I've since started a Masters part time that fits around work. I'm loving it and it's relevant to my job so will hopefully give me more opportunities in the future. I'm decorating my house which is great as it's all mine. I also enjoy going out with friends and family and just generally doing new things. I'm now loving building a new life and feel like I've been given a second chance, I'm really positive about the future for myself and my children.
I would say just be open to embracing new experiences and opportunities and everything will fall in to place.