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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS talked about Ex's GF and smacking

32 replies

SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 10:46

I actually wasn't sure where to post this and didn't fancy risking AIBU

I'm just really not sure the best way to go about this

So this morning I was sat on DS ( 2 and a half) bed and we were having a lovely morning chat and laughing

He then out of the blue mentioned Ex's GF and mentioned how she played with him and his train set (he's stayed at their house over the weekend) all well and good and it was lovely seeing him talking about it

Until he randomly starts saying her name and "SMACK" "X slap leg" "slap!" " it hurt"
So I asked him if she had hurt her leg and he just kept saying "slap""she say sorry" and then ended it with " she happy"

:( without putting anything into his head etc I couldn't really get much more info, if I asked him where he just kept saying leg.

Now he's little, and I know children can go through phases or maybe just get a little mixed up in what they are saying,but he's never said anything like this before, and if he has mentioned her it's always positive.

I have no issue with my ex's girlfriend, she's been with his dad since a few weeks before I gave birth to our son and we have met and I've had her round to celebrate DS's birthday and we've always, well what I think, have gotten along.

I just feel torn, I'm going to message ex but I don't want it To come across as me accusing them of anything? I'd also like to think if I had a partner and my DS said anything to his dad, his dad would contact me.

I just don't know how to word it,if I'm making any sense?

I've been debating whether to post since 6am and I just feel so sick in my stomach. I've not noticed any marks either. DS hasn't ever come out with anything like this before so I have no reason to doubt anything right now but I also trust his dad

How would you go about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 10:48

Oh I forgot to mention I also asked if it was him that had slapped her leg,to which he just kept saying slap and "she say sorry"

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 10/04/2018 10:52

Hmm I don't know tbh, my son when he was 4 went to school with a scratch on his face and told the school that I had done it. Ss was called on me and it wasn't even me it was my younger son. Still don't know why he told them it was me. I agree with asking his dad or mentioning it see what he says?

Original poster
SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 10:53

This is exactly why I want to be careful about how I word the message y'know?

It could have been anything like him becoming frustrated with his trains and maybe throwing something? I'm just very confused on how I discuss this, i hope it's just some little misunderstanding so I don't want to cause an argument or anything

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 10/04/2018 10:53

So difficult this. He's so little he could be remembering something that's happened to him or something he's seen or something that has nothing even to do with GF but she's popped in his head. I don't know what to suggest but as you said I would be really careful wording any queries about it, and I'd also direct it straight to gf,as your amicable so its not like you're skirting it.

MarieG10 · 10/04/2018 10:56

Don't word the message if you mean email or text. Do in person. Is much better

Original poster
SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 10:57

It really is difficult. I can't shake this horrible sick feeling but that could be because I feel I should mention it but I don't want to cause anything.

I am amicable with his GF but not on a texting or messaging level, since they moved into their new house before Xmas I very rarely see her at drop offs, so I'd feel very uncomfortable messaging her :(

Arghh I don't know if I'm just being stupid? It was just so random and it is rare DS brings her up

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 10:58

I won't see his dad until Friday morning, should I wait then?

OP posts:
Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 11:01

‘Hi ex - ds is saying that your gf smacked his leg and it hurt, what happened?’

I would just put it out there.

Onemansoapopera · 10/04/2018 11:01

I would then, yes. Speak to him a person. Ask if ds has been watching anything on tv with GF that could have happened in, because he said the two together and it's got you thinking what he might have seen and where he's got it from. Non accusatory but quite a clear message to anyone I would think, to keep an eye out.

Onemansoapopera · 10/04/2018 11:03

He didnt say she slapped him and even if he did, it does not mean it's true, he's little and could be getting his words muddled. Thats the dilemma.

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 11:03

No I would text, as face to face might get uncomfortable. He has time to think up of an excuse through text and be very aware that what ever happened cannot not happen again

HoppingPavlova · 10/04/2018 11:05

Don’t know, it’s so hard.
My friends child at 3yo would tell everyone who would listen that mummy stabbed me with a knife, was very detailed, descriptive and adamant. It was obviously incorrect.
Around the same age my child would say I cut them (can’t recall details now), was incorrect.
My other child was adamant I left them alone in the house to go shopping and would tell anyone who would listen. Totally didn’t happen. Closest I can think of is ganging washing on the line while they were occupied watching tv but they were adamant, very convincing and people used to believe them.

Original poster
SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 11:07

It is a dilemma!

Actually yes I will message, I know he'd do the same

I'm sure it's a complete misunderstanding, it was just how DS was saying it

I would never want to accuse ex's girlfriend of doing such a thing in the very likely case she hasn't and it was just mixed up in our little talk this morning, but still I feel it's only the right thing to let ex be aware

Thanks for the replies :)

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 10/04/2018 11:08

I would be a chat with your ex and ask if either of them discipline your son using smacking. Then go from there.

Kneedeepinunicorns · 10/04/2018 11:11

Argh that's scary. But to try and avoid panic, keep in mind he could also be telling you that something happened to him by accident when GF was with him, (I've had a two year old explain happily that x hit them when they actually mean something fell over by accident while they were with that person, and I'd seen it happen so knew it was a language muddle despite sounding dramatic!) or that GF and Ex were horsing about and one of them slapped the other, or even that ds slapped GF.

You can say to Ex, 'ds keeps telling me something about a slap or a bump and someone saying sorry? do you know what he's talking about?' and see what he says. That's a no blame way to open it up and get more information to see a way forward.

Kneedeepinunicorns · 10/04/2018 11:12

Crosspost OP. That sounds like a good way forward. Smile

Original poster
SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 11:16

Yeah!
He knows we have no smacking/slapping etc in this house and DS knows we dont do it to others also. As far as I'm aware he doesn't discipline like that either

The I've always had a sort of little comfort that his GF works with children with learning difficulties and special needs, after having talks with her in the past about how she deals with a child having a melt down etc or becoming agree, so it's always sort of been a positive in thinking she'd use her techniques, as I would assume the nursery staff do when he goes to nursery

So i can't imagine that happened and did wonder if he was getting confused and she was the one who maybe hurt her leg. It was also him keeping saying " she say sorry " that just triggered me a little

But I'll speak with ex, I'm sure he'll understand where I'm coming from

Really appreciate the replies !

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 11:17

*becoming angry

OP posts:
EasterRobin · 10/04/2018 11:26

I like kneedeepinunicorn's phrasing. At that age DD was always saying "hit" for any sort of bump or accidental contact so good to keep it open.

Scabetty · 10/04/2018 11:42

Perhaps he smacked her in excitement and she overplayed the ‘hurt’ and wanted him to say ‘sorry’. I agree you must talk to ex for your peace of mind.

Scabetty · 10/04/2018 11:46

I still cringe when dd was 2 and a half and told the woman in the Pharmacy at Tesco that she cries ‘ when daddy kicks me’. I have no idea what she was on about as he never, ever did that. I was so shocked that the assistant fell about laughing. It could have been Social Services Blush

notapizzaeater · 10/04/2018 11:49

It's a nightmare when you're not sure what they mean, my ds also told people I'd scratched him, yes I had as he wriggled away during a change, pure accident

Original poster
SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 12:08

This is exactly why I've been left feeling unsure on what to do! Gosh I can remember my 2 younger brothers coming out with a few corkers when they were little ! Grin

I am edging more to it maybe being an accident and it was DS who accidently smacked her leg and was asking him to apologise.

We don't use the word slap so they might. Can honestly say this is the first time I've come across this ( up to now anyway )

He'll tell me if an accident happened to some children at nursery or if any of the children have hurt themselves or if he's hurt himself but never along the lines of this and as you all say,at that young age they come out with all sorts!

I've have sent his dad a message, just basically along the lines of playing it cool an asking if his GF or DS had any little accidents over the weekend as DS was having a good old chat first thing this morning.

Tried to play it off with a cool tone lol if I make any sense?

I shall see what he says when he gets back to me :) I do feel a little less sick now so thank you all

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 10/04/2018 12:14

The first time my son went to school and told the teachers I had scratched him was the first time he ever done anything like that aswell. Sorry to say it but there's a first for everything. He also told them that I had spiders in my house that bite him Confused.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2018 12:14

Sorry but I don't think you should be asking about 'any little accidents' Well, too late now as you've sent it but I actually think that's quite passive aggressive.

I would have just said 'I'm very confused about something DS came out with this morning, can we have a chat about it? Am sure it's nothing but just to be sure..."

Anyway, hope you get to the bottom of it.