Splitting up but staying in the same house with kids - anyone done it?

[Themayorofshitterton]

DP and I have decided very amicably that our relationship is not working and we do not want to be a romantic couple any more. We have 2 DS, 8 and 10, and our top priority is that this should affect them as little as possible. DP's parents divorced nastily when he was a teenager and he has never quite got over it.

The complicating factor is that we have spent the last two years renovating our dream house which we now live in. It has caused us to be skint, with a possible unexpected large tax bill looming on the horizon from the property we sold to finance our new house. And we both love this house and want to live in it. One of us would live in the spare room.

He thinks he it will be great. I am wondering how it will work in practice. Currently I work full time, do the food shop on a weekend, do most of the cooking and get the boys up and ready for school in the week/to football on a weekend.

He does the school run, works from home, cooks Sunday lunch and clears up after meals I've cooked. He has also managed the house build and is still dealing with all the stuff that still needs to be done to finish the house. He has not brought in an income for years, partly because he has dealt with the build and also because he spends more time with the children. He's uncomfortable with that and always trying to find ways to make money (he does stuff online).

So, not only does neither of us want to leave this house, we are financially unable to have two households.

So, how do we do it? Separate bedrooms, obvs. But usually when people split up you have defined periods where you have the kids and are in charge of everything. Then you have time when you are free! To lie in, not cook, be spontaneous, stay out late, have a bit of fun. But I'll be living with the DC so expect I'll be doing all the mornings and all the cooking as usual. I'll be lucky to still see my DC daily, I know, but how do i build a new life?

Just wondering if anybody has done something similar? Or has any suggestions? Sorry for the long post...

I haven't done but I'm sorry but realistically I don't think it will work longer term. You will grow wider apart and what if either want another relationship. I would sort out s house so it is in a position to be sold and look at the options so you have a clean break and hopefully continue to be amicable. I don't think you will be in he longer term if you don't

I'm in this situation a year on and still haven't got any clear defined boundaries. We seem to play it by ear. His job is at times very flexible and very inflexible and can't always plan stuff. Very frustrating. He seems to come and go when he likes and makes out it's a massive favour when I ask for 'time out'.
It's much harder to split up who does what when you are still living together. Sorry, no advice really but will watch your post!

Sounds like a half way house to me. You either want to separate or you don’t.
What happens when one of you meets someone new?
Sounds like Relate might be the way to go to negotiate the terms of your marriage or separation.

Er, how will he support himself financially?

You can’t have it both ways. What sort of relationship example do you want to set your kids? What when one of you meets someone new? Split up if you want to, or stay together. But you need to choose one or the other.

It sounds shit, sorry.
You will need to sell and get 2 smaller households.

My friend tried this trying to be friends for the kids sake going out as a family and all that. Truthfully it hasn't gone well resentment built and it resulted in a hatefilled divorce and the Dc have been affected my friend regrets it.

The obvious answer, I'm afraid is that you will probably at some stage (even if you try his plan for a while) end up needing to sell the house and for him to get a job so he can support the children when they are with him. Divorce does not have to be horrible, fraught and unkind. It can be calm and respectful.

I have lived with my sons Dad a few times after our relationship ended, for practical reasons. In many ways it worked okay for a couple of months, but I was very glad to get my own space back. Eventually you will want to have sex again and then it's going to get very awkward if you want to bring someone back. Most people you may wish to date will have an issue with you still living with your ex and will rightly assume you haven't disentangled your lives sufficiently to allow room for someone new in your life.

It's tempting to broach this sort of set-up as a 'ripping the plaster off slowly' solution to realising a marriage is over. But it rarely works so well because people are never going to stick to their script; they are human, messy, have feelings and shit gets real.

That said, if I am ever made homeless I always have a room at my exes and that thought comforts me. I know we could live together amicably for a couple of months if need be.

I'd advise getting some therapy just for you, to talk though your thoughts about splitting and work out what you feel, what you want - without your H's feelings and fears about divorce getting in the way. Good luck OP.

In my case, I want to stay in the marital home for my child's sake, until he finishes junior school. I've done the online benefits calculator and it seems I could manage, just. However, my other half is not a high earner and has no friends/family he could stay with (neither have I). He couldn't afford to rent as that's far more than our mortgage is. We are stuck with each other and making the best of it. I agree that resentment will kick in for both of us if it hasn't already.
It's a long waiting game!

I've got one set of very mature friends who stayed sharing their house after divorce. However, they rented a small flat, and take it in turns living in there individually, so they move but the kids don't, and they f-t parent for a week at a time, but with flexibility about having tea with kids etc... to help each other out around work commitments.
Perhaps that's an alternate option to selling up?

Somerville Don't let your friends read the new novel 'Our House' then!

Wow, not much hope for us is there! 😀
Thanks for all your comments. DP does have various potential income streams and if he was able to focus on them I think he would be able to support himself financially.
The thought of selling this house (it's not even finished yet) breaks my heart but I see what you're all saying.
I think we need to discuss it in more detail. You've given me food for thought - thank you.

Good luck it is such a shame you are facing this

Somerville - that sounds like a great set up for a temporary solution but what if both of us have low income, impossible!
When the house is sold, we'll both have enough to start again with a mortgage, not buying outright.

Sorry, themayorof didn't mean to hijack your post. Apologies. x

You didn't third time, it's all part of the rich tapestry...

No. I did for over a year and it doesn't work. You can't move on and have another relationship. No potential partner wants to get involved if you still have the ex living with you....think of it the other way around. Best off selling up and moving to smaller houses. Unless one of you buys out the other. With your partner not working you may be disadvantaged when working out finances. Speak to a solicitor to see where you stand. A dream house is no reason to stay.

My DH did what Somerville describes, it's called nesting. Worked okayish for the first few months but as DH and his ex started detaching emotionally, things started to get more and more tense and tolerance for little niggles became increasingly low. E.g his ex would come back after DH had been in the house with the kids for the weekend and she would be like "why haven't you done this, why did you give the kids that" etc etc. And of course she did stuff whilst it was her "turn" in the house that likewise irritated DH. The death knell was new partners coming onto the scene, at the time you're truly believing "no more long term relationships for me, ever!" However I used to moderate on a divorce support site, we all thought the same but within 3-5 years the overwhelming majority of us had remarried/settled down with someone else.

Minor irritations that we can overlook/put up with in a partner because we love them become greatly magnified when love is taken out of the equation, and as a PP said resentments can build quickly. The best outcome for your DC would be for you to stay amicable but at a distance. I hope you can work something out.

OP

Do the kids know?

I think if you are the right kind of people it could work within a very defined time frame. 18 months? Finish the house with an eye to sale and not living long term. You have both learnt from the build and if you built it yourself and are lucky you will sell with a good profit down the line.

If you know it’s 18 moths you can a. Weeks out for holidays or if own do you has a friends house to house sit or similar. If one of you starts a relationship you would have to be incredibly sensitive to jealousy- but with a mutually acknowledged trim frame a new partner might stick around long enough (if I were said new partner I would find it very difficult to believe you were going to leave and wouldn’t feel you were committed, unless I’d seen you and your ex discussing the closure date of the deal.)

How big is the dream house? Could you convert any of it into a small flat to enable a "nesting" setup?

We did it amicably for around six months with no problems. Either we would still share the same bed as friends or he would kip on the sofa depending on how he felt. We never argued as a couple and never argued when splitting though- it's rare, I can accept that!

I tried it with my exh but it didn’t last long as he met someone else and went to live with her. It was beyond awkward... The worst thing was when the kids were in bed and we both wanted to use a communal area such as the living room, we would have to either sit and blank each other or one would have to compromise. I really didn’t like it, it’s definitely not realistic in the long term.

I think it could work if you are best friends and both don't get romantically involved with anyone else for many years until the children are grown up. You would have to be very committed to raising your children together and to keeping the house.

What do you mean when you say "build a new life" ? I think if you mean seeing friends, going to the gym etc then you can discuss this, the same as when you were in a relationship but I guess if you mean find another partner then obviously if you did I think it would cause problems and eventually would not work.

Wow. DC don't know yet. Nobody really does. We are so focused on finishing this house project that we are putting it on the back burner until we come up for air.

Fairly unanimous opinions though. No long term success stories...

This thread was what I need to read right now.

Facing mediation with H and this is bound to come up.

I could possibly take on mortgage alone but don't want to as would mean living amongst his family and I don't think he could afford to.

I want to sell up and purchase again alone.