Splitting up but staying in the same house with kids - anyone done it?

[Themayorofshitterton]

DP and I have decided very amicably that our relationship is not working and we do not want to be a romantic couple any more. We have 2 DS, 8 and 10, and our top priority is that this should affect them as little as possible. DP's parents divorced nastily when he was a teenager and he has never quite got over it.

The complicating factor is that we have spent the last two years renovating our dream house which we now live in. It has caused us to be skint, with a possible unexpected large tax bill looming on the horizon from the property we sold to finance our new house. And we both love this house and want to live in it. One of us would live in the spare room.

He thinks he it will be great. I am wondering how it will work in practice. Currently I work full time, do the food shop on a weekend, do most of the cooking and get the boys up and ready for school in the week/to football on a weekend.

He does the school run, works from home, cooks Sunday lunch and clears up after meals I've cooked. He has also managed the house build and is still dealing with all the stuff that still needs to be done to finish the house. He has not brought in an income for years, partly because he has dealt with the build and also because he spends more time with the children. He's uncomfortable with that and always trying to find ways to make money (he does stuff online).

So, not only does neither of us want to leave this house, we are financially unable to have two households.

So, how do we do it? Separate bedrooms, obvs. But usually when people split up you have defined periods where you have the kids and are in charge of everything. Then you have time when you are free! To lie in, not cook, be spontaneous, stay out late, have a bit of fun. But I'll be living with the DC so expect I'll be doing all the mornings and all the cooking as usual. I'll be lucky to still see my DC daily, I know, but how do i build a new life?

Just wondering if anybody has done something similar? Or has any suggestions? Sorry for the long post...

It may be amicable at the moment but what happens in 6 months if one of you meets someone new?

my mum did this with her ex husband, she said it was painful and led a very apical separation down the path of hatred and now they can't stand each other.
as a temporary measure why you sell and find your feet etc its fine but as a long isa term solution it just won't work.

Honestly I can't see how this would help the kids. Having parents who no longer together living under one roof sounds horrible

If you really want to prioritise your dc, then go to relate and sort out your marriage. There is no abuse so no reason to divorce.
Marriages are not always easy , you need to work on them.

So when one of you meet a new partner, will you be bringing them back for the night? Erm, awkward! I predict this leading to what a pp said, bitter split. Short term, it sounds like your dh has no income and will be relying on you for everything still. Double awkward. Dream house or no, I think sell and set up house separately.

Definitely google "nesting" and I think there are some Pinterest things too. Look at it as living as flat mates in that you need to make some boundaries and rules and then, for the sake of the kids, actually stick to them. I'm meaning things like rotas, whether he can go into your room for anything, are you washing clothes jointly or do your own individually. The nitty gritty. Plan times ahead to discuss them so you know there's space to be heard.

I've been doing this for a year and it's really hard. Don't kid yourself that it'll be an easier option, it's not. But I'm not sure there are easy options with divorce involving kids.

It really also depends on your reason for separating and reasons for staying in the same house together. If you're divorcing because of bad communication, for example, this won't work in a million years.

I've looked at nesting - maybe the way to go, although it still requires two residencies. Maybe we're being naive. We'll have to wait and see, but it's been useful to get honest input. Thank you all.