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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hmm thoughts?

33 replies

ReginaPhalange2 · 10/04/2018 05:49

So we are separating and he is wanting to do this amicably. Wanting me to stay where I am with the kids etc etc but there’s just this niggling feeling that all isn’t what it seems.

There’s just no sadness on his side for the end of this marriage. He’s also become quite cagey with his phone and a few weeks ago he changed his password on his phone.

Would you confront him about it while it’s all good?

OP posts:

NeverTell9871 · 10/04/2018 05:58

Seems awful to say but it looks like you're thinking it's too good to be true? Like him leaving is too easy.

There can only really be two options;

As I'm sure you're hinting towards, maybe he's seeing someone else and you have to know if that's true.
he's actually genuine and sees the break up as the healthy thing to do for everybody including the kids and is 'happy' to leave for everybody else's sake.

I hope it's the latter! However, I couldn't help myself and would probably pursue option 1 because I'm a pain in the ass just to make sure

LastOneDancing · 10/04/2018 06:09

When did you agree to split? Before or after the password change? Was the separation initiated by you or him?

If he's only become cagey after you decided to end your marriage, I'd think he'd joined some shit dating site and it was none of my business (although it would hurt).
If it started before a split was mentioned, I would want to know too, but I would probably try and keep a lid on it until arrangements had been finalised.

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2018 06:15

Confront him about what? You're ending your relationship; if its amicable then surely that's a good thing for you and your children. If he's seeing someone else then I don't know why you have anything to confront him about, you're breaking up.

Original poster

ReginaPhalange2 · 10/04/2018 06:28

Yeah never that’s it. Maybe it’s legitimate. Password was before the split agreement.

Shox we are married so this would be adultery and a different ball game......

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2018 06:33

If you're getting divorced then that just changes the grounds for divorce then? I don't know how you'd find out if he was seeing someone else though without asking him or stealing his phone. Is he still living with you?

Original poster

ReginaPhalange2 · 10/04/2018 07:07

I guess I wouldn’t find out
But I can’t see how you think it doesn’t matter because we are separating, it is completely different circumstances and
It would make a difference in how I felt towards him.

OP posts:

NeverTell9871 · 10/04/2018 07:29

Personally I can see how it would change things massively.

You obviously want to allow the relationship to continue amicably but is that possible if you've been lied to and cheated? Not only would it affect the divorce circumstances itself but the way you feel within yourself AND towards him. It would change your views of him as a person and potentially make you question the relationship that you had together.

I think the question really is would you want to know? It all depends on if you can live with the current truth of the fact that you have decided to separate from each other and be amicable. Or wether you must find out if there is something else behind it.

One thing I will say (from experience) is that if you dig around and ask the wrong questions, could you be risking a friendship over nothing? You know him better than any of us do so only you know that answer! Just be prepared to find something hurtful, or potentially nothing at all but could lose a decent person.

Oh. And drinking wine helps

Original poster

ReginaPhalange2 · 10/04/2018 07:53

Thanks that’s exactly it

Sorry I’m struggling today because he’s being so nice. It’s easier to take when he’s being a dick. Massively struggling

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 10/04/2018 08:00

I think however rubbish it is, you should assume there is someone else in the pipeline (because with men, 99.9% of the time there is). Does not mean he's already cheated and his nice behaviour suggests not - but means he's trying to move on fairly. No less upsetting but ultimately best.

I feel for you

mickeymacca · 10/04/2018 08:02

There's almost definitely someone else. Sorry

Karigan1 · 10/04/2018 08:07

When my ex husband left a friend told me ‘men usually don’t leave unless they have somewhere to go’. Sure enough a few weeks later I found her moved in with another woman. When packing to move I found a camera in which there were pictures of him with the woman 8 months before he left. I also found an old phone with messages from her.

He did the same thing. One minute we were out at dinner the next he was using a new phone and had a new Facebook page. It was clearly cutting me out ready to leave as a week later he went. I find it funny that to this day he denies he cheated despite the camera, the phone and a little Facebook stalking revealing she left her husband on the same weekend.

FunnyThat · 10/04/2018 08:26

OP - do you want to separate?

If yes, then I have to agree, what difference does it make if he is seeing someone?

Is the separation a surprise? Had he talked about being unhappy in the relationship beforehand? Were you both engaging with each other when discussing it?

If you haven't discussed the reasons why and you don't want to separate then yes I think it does matter what's going on behind the scenes. However if you both agree that separation is the best way forward then I genuinely understand what difference it makes.

Original poster

ReginaPhalange2 · 10/04/2018 08:33

I have very young kids and it’s been hard. So hard and we have had massive ups and downs.

We’d just booked a holiday 4 weeks ago, our first abroad since our honeymoon and our kids first abroad. So no I didn’t expect to be separating is your answer however I’m not saying it hasn’t been terrible because it has.

OP posts:

FunnyThat · 10/04/2018 08:42

But do you want to separate?

Original poster

ReginaPhalange2 · 10/04/2018 08:44

I honestly don’t know I’m up and down yes and no. Sorry I’m all over

OP posts:

Talith · 10/04/2018 08:48

I'd suggest some sessions at relate. Not to change anyone's mind but to unpick what's going on right now and nail down some specifics going forward.

It's unusual for things to stay amicable even if both people are on the same page. It's emotional to break things up. You seem to be lacking some pieces of the puzzle.

WeeMcBeastie · 10/04/2018 09:50

I can sympathise, I was in a similar situation with my EXH. He swore there was nobody else involved but I later found out that there was and that it was the same woman in had suspicions about 3 years earlier! I was happy about our separation but finding out that he had lied to me (and tried to blame me for our marriage ending!) did help confirm that my intuition had been spot on. I’m not sure why a PP said that finding out about adultery will affect the divorce settlement - it doesn’t these days. I looked into this and was told that it made no difference at all. If he’s walked out and is acting cold towards you then I wouldn’t bother with Relate etc, I tried this and it just prolonged the misery. Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of behaving like that towards you?

misscph1973 · 10/04/2018 10:05

Was it him or you who instigated the separation? What were the initial reasons?

I think it does matter if he has been unfaithful to you, it colours the way you move on. But the practical side of divorcing won't be much different. You might fight him more, though. If you find that he has cheated on you, of course you will be upset. But it will only be you who is upset, your STBXH won't feel any different.

LastOneDancing · 10/04/2018 10:26

If you found out there is someone else in the picture, do you think you would be more tempted to try again?
MN is always warning people who have partners in affairs not to engage in the 'pick me dance'.
Finding out there is a third party could cloud your judgement of what you actually want for yourself.

fannycraddock72 · 10/04/2018 11:49

Of course it matters if he’s being unfaithful..

How long have you been married?
Was your marriage unhappy?

I’m not sure what to advise you on this. Long term you need to get the best settlement and deal for you and your kids whilst he’s playing nicely.

One thing I would add from my experience was that I did get cheated on, and during the whole separation my ex was ‘being nice with no sadness’ same as you described. It mystified me..who could be that happy after 20+ years together. Surely even if they were unhappy you would still be sad that a family is breaking up etc...

I’m 99% certain if you confront him he will deny it. My ex did.

IsItWorthItIDontKnow · 10/04/2018 12:02

If you’ve both been unhappy for a while strange as it sounds it can be a relief when a decision is made. Im sure he will be sad too but i wouldnt assume there is an OW maybe he is looking forward to getting on With his life now and finding happiness elsewhere. Being amicable is the right thing if you’ve decided to split why be bitter and make it harder if it’s what you both want.

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 10/04/2018 13:31

Sorry but if you decided to split amicably then I'm not sure what you have to gain, apart from the moral high ground. And I don't mean this in a nasty way.
I'm thinking that you both agreed to separate but now you have your suspicions that he agreed readily as he's happy and possibly moving on already or had already moved on without you knowing?
Yep, that would anger me. If I was you, I'd bide my time and try and collect some evidence. Pretend to go along with being happy as you don't want his guard to go up.
Good luck.

misscph1973 · 10/04/2018 13:32

I don't think that you can be certain that there is someone else. Both me and STBXH are (mostly) amicable, and I find it hard to believe that we were married for 18 years, yet it seems both of us are very happy to move on. We have only been separated 3 months, and I'm pretty certain there was no one else and that he hasn't met someone new and neither have I. It's not all about finding a new partner!

Save yourself from conflicting emotions by not letting yourself get caught up in unfounded hurt. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on. By all means give yourself time to grieve, but try not to worry about your STBXH's life, it will only bring you down.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 10/04/2018 17:43

Who initiated the split, op?

Original poster

ReginaPhalange2 · 10/04/2018 20:56

Yes it was him

OP posts:

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