Hmm thoughts?

[ReginaPhalange2]

So we are separating and he is wanting to do this amicably. Wanting me to stay where I am with the kids etc etc but there’s just this niggling feeling that all isn’t what it seems.

There’s just no sadness on his side for the end of this marriage. He’s also become quite cagey with his phone and a few weeks ago he changed his password on his phone.

Would you confront him about it while it’s all good?

So did you agree with him that the marriage was over or was it a shock?

I think he probably feels guilty because he initiated the breakup. I did. So he isn't showing any sadness as he is trying to be amicable to make up for having initiated the split.

I felt that I had already done most of my grieving leading up to me telling STBXH that it was over, so I wasn't very sad, I was more relieved that I had told him. I expect your STBXH had also done a fair amount of grieving before he told you..

Hi OP

I was in a similar situation to you re separation from my ex. He even said there was no one else ( I’m not sure he’d openly admit it now). Once he moved out though I discovered there was immediately a girlfriend ( who he introduced to the kids straight away) and who 3 months on he has pretty much lived in with. I have now discovered a few things that indicate very strongly he was having an affair.

It hasn’t afffectes how I have dealt with him re the DC where I try to be as amicable as possible. But the discovery of the lies did change how I felt about the separation. In particular the fact that he didn’t admit it even when separating and asked I found made it a lot harder to deal with - that he lied when he didn’t need to lie and tried to make me feel it was ‘mutual’ in some way to look like the good guy.

I have since discovered he lies a lot and still lies to me know. So I think it does matter on some level as it tells you something about how he can act.

Although not suggesting this is the case with your husband of course but it doesn’t seem uncommon!

My thought is he's a cheating twat. He will soon have another woman on the scene whom he 'just met'.

Sounds like my situation OP. When I told my ex I was ending things, he was angry initially but then was strangely ok about it. I noticed he changed his passwords on his laptop and phone and agreed to move out without any complaints. I found this odd but assumed he just felt the same. A good few months later, i found out he had started seeing his ex (I think after I ended it) so everything then slotted into place.

What do you hope to achieve by knowing though?

You say that a split wasn’t something that you had anticipated, but you also say that the marriage was unhappy. At no point have you implied that you are really that surprised or even upset that you’re splitting up. It sounds to me more like you want there to be a reason for you to hate him and want to be able to justify splitting whereas actually it seems you’re already quite comfortable with the idea of splitting anyway even though you know that it’s going to be hard.

It’s not uncommon for couples to split when one meets someone else, but equally sometimes meeting someone else is the catalyst for ending the relationship which was already unhappy.

Regardless of whether he’s met someone the relationship is over. Don’t look for reasons to stop being amicable. Trust me amicable is by far the best way to proceed even if you’d like for it not to be. But you have years for things to change between you, and trust me wen I say that circumstances will likely change the relationship between you over time anyway.

No I am devastated
I’ve tried offering a load of solutions but he just shoots them down and everything that is wrong in his life he blames me for. Even stupid stuff that isn’t my fault at all.

That must be hard, Regina.

Have you ever heard of the Kübler-Ross model? The five stages of grief? When you divorce, it's a bit like someone has died - I guess the relationship has died. I am thinking that you are in the second/third stage, Anger/Bargaining. I think I was in those stages for years during my marriage! Maybe it will help you to take a look:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

At some point you need to stop looking for reasons for the breakdown of the marriage. It will only keep your thoughts stuck.