Partner Messing me around

[Mikey12]

About 8 months ago whilst having sex my partner stopped me from performing oral sex with her. I found this a bit odd but she had on a few previous occasions said it doesn't do a lot for her (although it didn't appear that way at the time), and that she much prefers me using other methods (which we do and enjoy). I told her I enjoyed oral and would like to continue however she has stopped me from performing oral on her.
A couple of months later she was getting undressed and showed me that she had spots around her groin are under her pubic area and these appeared to be wart like. I was naturally a bit concerned firstly because I thought she may have a STI and secondly because of health reasons. I started to become suspicious that she may have cheated on me, because she didn't want me to perform oral and now this I faction.
So she said she has no idea what they are and how she got them. I haven't had sex with anyone else since being with her. We continued to have unprotected sex. I got myself tested straight away and after a few weeks was given the all clear - no I infections. However my partner hadn't got herself tested and refused to go to a sexual health clinic as she said they were dirty places and she was due a smear test.
I looked into the situation and also spoke to my sexual health clinic and doctor who stated a smear test would not indicate what the warts were. When I told my partner she got very defensive and asked if I was causing her of cheating. I said no but said I couldn't understand why she doesn't get herself tested.
She then broke her ankle whilst on a cross country race and later told me that her local nurse wouldn't do the smear test, because she didn't want to risk my partner hurting her ankle (I spoke to my doctor about theis and she said it was nonsense) After a number of months my partner finally got her smear test and came home but said nothing until questioned. She stated that she was all clear and when I asked her about the spots she said 'oh nothing to worry about nurse said probably moluscums that my partner's 5yr old daughter had got'.
The spots look like warts, are still there after 5 months but are clearing up. Having researched they could possibly be hpv but can I ask what people think about this? This doesn't necessarily mean that my partner has cheated from what I understand as the incubation period can be year's for infections to then show warts, but I find my partners behaviour a bit suspicious/evasive. After 7 months she still refuses oral sex from me and has a couple of warts down there. I feel if I confront her again she will lose it with me but I don't want to catch anything and I feel she might be keeping something from me. Any thoughts or suggestions about this I would be very grateful.

If you have had yourself STI tested since your dp has had the warts and you are clear, surely she should be clear as well. Assuming warts would show up if you have had sexual intercourse.

OP - what’s the point now - it’s been months, and whatever it is - you either got it, or it’s nothing to worry about.

Personally - i’d not have sex with a partner (or anyone) with an unknown growths in a skin. And if they refuse to test - i’d be out of there in a flash.

But - you made your choice already.
Not sure what you are really asking here.

First of all, she’s told you she doesn’t want you to perform oral sex. Why are you still pushing it?

Other than that, if she won’t go for STI screening, stop having sex with her until she does.

Skin tags are extremely common in that area - has she had a child? They often happen during pregnancy, but many women get them anyway. Nothing to do with an STI.

HPV can be very serious and cause cervical cancer. I have it despite never having had a visible wart sleeping with anyone who did. Shockingly large numbers of people carry the HPV virus. Still, I wouldn’t have sex with someone who had symptoms of an STD and refused to get checked out.

Smear tests and internals can be quite distressing and even traumatic for some women so that may be the cause of her reluctance.

If she doesn't like oral sex then maybe stop trying to give her it? She's in charge of her own sexuality and her body, you sound like you could be controlling. What makes you think its ok to question her about something she clearly finds embarrassing?
If you've had a test and its clear then you haven't caught anything from her so your sexual health probably isn't going to be jeopardised.

Why are you continuing to have sex with her when she’s refusing to have an sti test?!

If my partner started getting suspicious looking changes in that area I’d stop having sex until he got the all clear! If he refused to get them checked I’d be gone.... tells you all you need to know

It could be skin tags. I get them all the time. JUST got rid of one a few weeks ago.

Although it's only skin tags, I am still massively paranoid about someone performing oral sex on me because I'm hugely worried about it all.

If she came home and said her smear test was all clear, then she didn't have a smear test. They dont tell you there and then. They have to send it off to a lab. You hear back in 2-4 weeks (sometimes longer).

They test for HPV when they do smear tests, but they are looking for the strains (there are loads!) that are "high risk" for cervical cancer. The HPV strains that cause warts are different strains, so they arent testing for those.

If she doesnt like receiving oral sex then leave her alone about it. I do find it odd that she would lie about the smear and be unwilling to have any other testing, but perhaps she has her reasons. Some people who may have experienced previous trauma find these "routine" types of things very difficult and triggering. Might this apply to her?

Did she like oral sex when you first met and after that?

It sounds like she is in denial about genital warts. Having had them and had to have them frozen off I’m not sure I’d want to sleep with someone with growths down there. They might be tags but they might not be.

Also, bit off to fixate on the oral thing - OP says he/she’d like to confinue not that they pressured the girlfriend. It’s entirely possible to want to continue to receive oral when the other person doesn’t want to.

She's behaving shady as hell. The story about not getting a smear test done because of her ankle...

I wouldn't be with someone I can't trust.

She almost certainly hasn't had a smear, that's bollocks.

If she'd gone for a smear, the nurse would have seen the warts and taken a biopsy at the time.

HPV can have up to a 10-year incubation period, so it's possible that she is just too embarrassed and ashamed to get treatment and hasn't cheated. However, that is rare. And to continue having unprotected sex with you while suspecting she has a STI is just fucking stupid (as are you for continuing to sleep with her!)

I caught warts when I was a stupid young teenager who thought condoms were a pain and it would never happen to me. As soon as my GP saw them he was like "Yep, that's genital warts. I'll write you a prescription." By that time I'd infected my boyfriend :( It was not a good feeling.

My 'D'H cheated on me with a stranger online for a ONS. (I presume he had future plans but I discovered him so that ruined any!)
Anyway, he used protection for intercourse but they both had oral sex without. As fate would have it I conceived my son to 'D'H 4 days before his dirty tryst. I insisted on him getting an STI test after making the decision to forgive him months later. He did and it was all clear but only for the obvious major infections - HPV e.t.c isn't so clear cut.
Sorry I am getting to a point.......
Whilst pregnant I discovered some lumps down below and rushed to the Dr's in panic fearing the worst - genital warts.
My Dr examined me and confirmed that they were in fact molluscum which I must have contracted from my youngest daughter at the time.
Your partner could be telling the truth re your description of them. They are contagious so perhaps she is concerned about giving them to you. Re the smear story it could be she's embarrassed about the whole thing.
That said the other side to my story highlights the possibility of infidelity and potential STI's.

Thanks to everyone for your feedback, there are some good points here, and I realise that I may not have made certain things clear having read your replies.

So firstly, yes she had a smear test and it was sent off. She went to get the results which is when she told me she had been given the all clear. However I was doubtful that they just passed off the spots as 'probably' being molluscs. I feel my partner was just saying that because I mentioned the fact that it could be to her previously. I found it hard to believe that the nurse would just say'probably nothing to worry about'..

Secondly, my partner has no inhibitions sexually whatsoever (she has been extremely adventurous with me) and also enjoyed oral for over a year before she put the brakes on it, which was shortly before she turned up with spots.

I am stupid (i admit it) by having unprotected sex with her, but I didn't believe it was anything to worry about, and my partner was very upfront about them (the spots), and I believed if she had something, then by contracting it myself I would be able to get checked out and know what it was without having to rely on the possibility of my partner being deceitful (wrong, yes, stupid yes). I think I was in denial that it could have been anything. I have been tested since and I'm all clear.

I love my partner, however I am not sure that I can 100% trust her because of a number of reasons. I won't go into them all but here's a few:

1. She is very attractive and is flirtatious with other men in public in front of me.
2. She has been married twice before and cheated on her first husband for no good reason (yes she told me this) and then a number of times towards the end of the relationship when it was on it's way to a close.
3. Things have happened on nights out with her friends that I believe to be suspicious (blood and semen stains on her knickers when she only ever bleeds during sex. She is using a coil and never bleeds other than having intercourse and only occasionally) - might not be the case I realise discharge on a night out happens. She has disappeared when we were together in a bar once and when she came back her zip was broken on the back of her tank suit and groin was wet through.. other things that could be explained away but collectively add up to suspicion.

I don't believe I'm controlling, but I will stand my ground on matters of principle occasionally, (however not on this occasion). I do think I need to man up with her as I believe that she is controlling and I should have been more firm in this matter.

I don't believe I'm insecure, I'm a professional, with two kids, have been a police officer and served with an elite unit in the British army in my youth. However being with my partner of two years now has occasionally made me feel insecure, and also made me realise that I can be emotionally weak when it comes to her, which I never thought I was. I'm struggling with this one, so I believe I am on the cusp of finishing with her. I've slowly been building up a wall due to feeling like I can't continue with my partner which is killing me. I have been battling for months about what to do and finally decided to give this forum a shot. Thanks for your words and help.

OP - re-read you own last post and imagine an adult son/brother/best friend told this all to you about their gf....

As to the reasons not to trust her - only thing that matters - is that you don’t trust her.

The reasons themselves seemed a little 😳. 1&2 - sort of judgy and insecure; 3 made me wonder why you’d inspect her underwear after a night out.

And - yet again - your ability to ignore things that worry you and continue to put your health at risk - given what you think is going on. That part is worrying.

So - yes - you have some sort of self-destructive attachment to her, and it is possibly driven by some I securities.
I hope you figure it out.

Not if they are hpi as they could take years.. but understand the point. Thnaks.

I would agree with you, and still do partly, however we both enjoy giving and receiving oral, however she stopped me from performing just over a month prior to coming out with the spots... when it's something you both take pleasure in then it is odd behaviour. If she's fed up with it?? then fine I'll stop, but something doesn't seem right seems to be different excuses for the few times I've tried and been told no...... just odd she stopped just before the spots came..

Thank you, I do believe this is shady aswell.. it just doesn't add up !

No she's not intimidated by anything esp on things down below...

Cheating on her husband for no good reason would put me off. I can't take a person like that seriously.

You can do better than her.

There are so many red flags here I really wonder why you are still with her! Tell her to get tested or it's over, simple really.

Deep down you know she's cheated on you. Walk away and regain your self esteem.

You are correct about the incubation period. You can have HPV for years before the warts come out so if it were warts, it doesn’t mean she has cheated. It’s also worth noting that you can catch them when using a condom, same with herpes. Condoms don’t cover the whole pubic area therefore it’s still a risk. It may or may not have been spotted at a smear test. If she didn’t mention them and the nurse didn’t spot them (which is very possible) then nothing will have been done. The fact she wants to avoid oral sex and avoid visiting an STI clinic doesn’t sound shady to me at all, it just sounds as though she is embarrassed about them as most people would be.

I’m not sure why you are inspecting her underwear after a night out, that’s quite bizarre... You can’t tell whether the stains were semen or discharge, most like discharge in all honesty. Breakthrough bleeding is still possible with the coil. But again, I’m not sure why you are inspecting her underwear... it’s bizarre and yes, does sound very controlling.

Thanks I appreciate the feedback. Yeah perhaps i am? Those reasons may not be anything.. Knickers was an accident I didn't deliberately look but noticed when putting a wash on. Thanks again.

Thanks for feedback. I wan't inspecting them I saw it when putting a wash on, and it was very apparent. It concerned me that's all. Maybe I'm over suspicious due to this being a distance relationship.