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Original poster

Drastically cutting monthly money...please help!

80 replies

Areallmencheats · 09/04/2018 12:31

My husband of 22 years unexpectedly left me last year, moved straight in with OW and has been paying my monthly bills of £1500 ever since.

I've left him and her to get on with their lives as I've no interest in a man who can desert his wife and sons (19 and 22) overnight having led a double life for months.

I've just received a message saying that now both is my sons have moved away he's going to reduce his contribution to £750 per month and that he wants me to put all the bills in my name.

He earns £4200 a month after tax.
I work full time, £8 an hour.

Surely I'm entitled to more than £750??? I can't survive on that. It doesn't even cover my rent of £850 let alone bills.

Please can anyone give me any advice on what I can reasonably expect him to give me every month.
Thank you.

OP posts:

aaarrrggghhhh · 09/04/2018 14:01

Shocked by lots of these posts.

For many MANY women their life long earning capacity is compromised by staying at home and looking after children - from which their husbands have benefited.

People often say that the gender pay gap is misleading because women chose to stay at home. But it is making this point - that if women choose to stay at home they are financially worse off for their whole career.

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2018 14:01

Has he bought a house with the other woman?

I feel for you, I do. But £750 per month is a lot with no DC at home.

How much do you earn FT @£8 p/hr? 35 hours a week is about £14,000, isn't it?

£750 might not cover your rent at £850, but you're earning too?

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/04/2018 14:04

Yep, sorry, correction to my post - if you don't earn much money and have no dependant children, you aren't entitled to working tax credits. At £8 an hour full time you are probably able to claim.

5plusMeAndHim · 09/04/2018 14:04

Why would anyone not want to buy?

I think we can see why he didn't want to buy

murphys · 09/04/2018 14:07

OP, probably not helpful as I am not in UK, but here spousal maintenance is not recognise in courts, unless for a very valid case but there will be a fight for it. It could be a temporary arrangement though, whilst the other party seeks employment or undergoes training etc.

Once you are divorced, your dc have left home and are self sufficient, his financial obligation to you stops. If you are able to negotiate a financial agreement with him, then do it, but I doubt it will be forever.

Go through all the bills and reduce what you can. I have just done this as my divorce just going through now, so lots of bank/changing details etc taking place.

You are going to have to go through all your financials and cut wherever you are able to. If you are renting, then there will be no house sale, so you can easily downgrade... you say your rent is more now than what he is offering.... you will have to make changes. Your food bill must be way less with two ds to feed.

I do understand the emotional side of it OP. I also was in a long term marriage, same amount of time as you... I gave up my career to take care of home and dc... I wont deny there was a lot of bitterness that I am left in an awful financial situation because of it, and ex is swanning around having fun with his new life. But, hard as it is, you have to move on too..... and not hold a grudge that he owes you now. I personally think this is the crux here, you are expecting him to pay you forevermore as he has wronged you and left you in this position.

viques · 09/04/2018 14:07

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but what have you been doing for the last 13 months? surely you didn't expect your ex to keep subsidising you for the next 30 plus years? Why haven't you moved somewhere cheaper, got a better job, started divorce proceedings?

Oneapenny · 09/04/2018 14:07

Spousal maintenance is rare these days as a clean break is preferred. It is only awarded in about 15% of cases.

Oneapenny · 09/04/2018 14:09

The thing is, until you divorce you don’t know a lot of this. I certainly didn’t. People told me I would be able to stay in the family home till the dc were 18 which is completely outdated advice.

user1486062886 · 09/04/2018 14:13

aaarrrggghhhh, some women and some I call my friends are only to keen to stay at home and not have the daily grind of work, esp when the kids are older, my friend got pregnant on purpose so she didn’t have to go back to work, Not all women are like this but there is a lot that are, my Husband worked from 6-6 so l could stay home for the first few years but got a part time job as soon as they start school and a full time job when they were older so my husband could reduce his hours

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2018 14:13

I think it will also be good for you to put the bills in your name anyway, OP. You need to break away from being tied to him in any sense.

Have you completed a statement of affairs, listing all your living costs. The moneysavingexpert website is good for this, and saving you money.

Buxtonstill · 09/04/2018 14:15

Presuming your kids are in their early 20's with apprenticeships. If you wanted to pursue a career it could be argued that you have had the last 10 years or so to do it as the DC went to secondary school. It was your choice not to.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/04/2018 14:16

I have no advice OP but please tell your story to as many single women as you know. Spread it far and wide. Tell them to keep their careers, save money, be financially independent. Seriously, this story is played out all the fucking time. People need to wake up.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/04/2018 14:20

OP you had 13 working years behind you by the time you met and married him. You should have something to show for that? Also you need to immediately move to a smaller place and reduce all your bills and rent. Don’t delay that a second longer. Take control of your own Situation. Don’t wait around for a solicitor to save the day. You’re an adult. You have responsibility for yourself.

bunbunny · 09/04/2018 14:24

You need to make sure that you get compensation for a share of the property that you had previously (as a married couple? even if it was just his previously, marriage would have given you a half share) and shout very loudly about how it was his choice to rent, you wanted to buy, as a result he has effectively thrown away a good chunk of your capital into rent rather than a property that would have held or increased your capital. Do you know approximately how much you would have made on the property - if there's at least that much plus interest in his accounts then it needs to be ringfenced and shared to enable you to buy or rent a property going forwards - no guff from him about how it has been swallowed up in living costs or rent etc while he syphons off his savings to keep for himself.

Is there a chance that he might have bought anywhere else without you knowing? Or even now?

If he was in any way financially abusive and held the purse strings then you need to be calling him out on it during the divorce process so that you don't lose out even more! Maybe ask if you can get his accounts looked at forensically...

And unfortunately it's time to head over to the moneysavingexpert boards for hints and tips and spreadsheets and workbooks etc on living frugally...

LIZS · 09/04/2018 14:24

Did you get a share of any equity from when the property sold? If he has a pension you may be entitled to a share of it later on and this should form part of any settlement. There is no automatic entitlement to spousal maintenance once children are out of ft education.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/04/2018 14:25

Good question about what happened to the proceeds of selling the former home. Unfortunately, after 11 years, it is possible that the money got spent on rent and living expenses, but if there is any capital then OP should be entitled to some of it.

murphys · 09/04/2018 14:29

Zibbidoo

You are very correct. I sacrificed a lot financially in my marriage, and I have not a thing to show for it.

I have a teenage daughter. I have already sat with her and had a long discussion about being independent financially, and from the first month she receives an income that she earned herself, to put a little away if she is able to. I feel so very strongly about this. It is an obvious thing really, but you can get in that bubble of.. get married and things will be glorious forever. She can see the position we are in now, so I hope that she takes a lesson from it in her future. I used to eyeroll when I heard people saying what I am saying now, but now, I wish I had taken more note of it.

(I had the 'perfect' marriage, 100 believed ex wouldn't cheat and we would grow old together, so this has been a rude awakening)

OP, where is the money from the sale of your first home?

Dozer · 09/04/2018 14:40

Very naive not to seek full financial info and advice upon separation. Why trust a man who cheated on you to do right by you financially?

Seems likely he has spent the savings/money from house sale that should have been shared with OP.

Appuskidu · 09/04/2018 14:58

What was the career you were doing before you had kids that you had to give up?

How old are your children now? Did you not go back to the career you had when they were older?

How many bedrooms does your house have? Could you downsize to a flat if it’s just you?

Would there be a difference between

a woman giving up a really good career and being at home to raise kids and support the career of her husband and then being left by him?

-a woman who never had a career/well-paid job first and who was at home raising children and then was left by him

-a woman who gave up a career to have children and chose never to go back to something well-paid even when the children were older and then was left.

Are they all entitled to the same ‘spousal provision’ or does their own earning potential previously come into it?

I don’t mean this to be goady, I just wondered how much difference it made?

SindysHorse · 09/04/2018 15:01

Absolutely agree with Zibbidoo, sahm's are in a very precarious financial position if their partners fuck off...... I have always maintained my financial independence.

crimsonlake · 09/04/2018 15:14

They may be pointing it out as in she has less years left to build up her pension and savings. It is an important point when a financial settlement is taken on to account.

crimsonlake · 09/04/2018 15:25

On the positive side if this goes as far as court the ex has set a precedent by providing the op with what appears to be a generous amount following separation for a substantial amount of time. The courts will look at this and also the lifestyle which the couple enjoyed during their marriage. Whilst it is not normal for either party to continue with the same lifestyle as during the marriage, ( although mine did and is ) the court will equally see it unfair that there is such an imbalance and take this in to account.

Oblomov18 · 09/04/2018 15:27

This isn't going to turn out well for OP, no matter how you look at it, is it?

lostmyslippers · 09/04/2018 15:44

OP he has been paying you quite a bit per month. I wouldn't be surprised if he has been doing that to keep you quite whilst he siphons his assets / money so he doesn't have to give you your fair share when you divorce. I'm talking from experience here...please get some legal advice and protect your interests! This doesn't seem right that he has willingly been paying you money every month when both your children are over 18 and not living with you. I'm not making you feel silly or incompetent...just wouldn't want you to loose out on what is and should be rightfully yours.

Babyplaymat · 09/04/2018 15:48

It depends on his cost of living. He may not have had masses to siphon away of he has been sending £1500 of £4200 each month

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