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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drastically cutting monthly money...please help!

80 replies

Areallmencheats · 09/04/2018 12:31

My husband of 22 years unexpectedly left me last year, moved straight in with OW and has been paying my monthly bills of £1500 ever since.

I've left him and her to get on with their lives as I've no interest in a man who can desert his wife and sons (19 and 22) overnight having led a double life for months.

I've just received a message saying that now both is my sons have moved away he's going to reduce his contribution to £750 per month and that he wants me to put all the bills in my name.

He earns £4200 a month after tax.
I work full time, £8 an hour.

Surely I'm entitled to more than £750??? I can't survive on that. It doesn't even cover my rent of £850 let alone bills.

Please can anyone give me any advice on what I can reasonably expect him to give me every month.
Thank you.

OP posts:
snewsname · 09/04/2018 13:12

Half his pension might be worth a bit if you've not got much of one.

harshbuttrue1980 · 09/04/2018 13:13

You'll get half of the assets, including his pension.; I'm not sure why you think he should continue to fund you and pay your bills though - if you hadn't met him, you'd have to fund yourself, so why not now? Lots of people manage on their own, you just have to downscale your expectations like other single people do.

Original poster
Areallmencheats · 09/04/2018 13:14

We previously owned a house and when we moved it was into a rented house. I wanted us to buy a house but he never did and he held the purse strings.
He didn't always earn that amount of money.
When I first met him he was 18 and earning about £10k a year.
I gave up my job to look after him and our children and he progressed up the career ladder.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 09/04/2018 13:15

I’m actually surprised you’d get any money from him if you have no kids at home? Are you hoping for him to pay your bills and rent forever?

You need some legal advice ASAP!

Babyroobs · 09/04/2018 13:17

is this a joke ?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 09/04/2018 13:20

I'm glad you're seeing a solicitor.

I got spousal maintenance despite having adult children - it's not true that it doesn't exist anymore. If you damaged your earning potential by staying at home, so that there is a huge disparity in income, then you may get maintenance (as I did).

Chrys2017 · 09/04/2018 13:20

I don't know why people are saying that "spousal maintenance" doesn't exist. It does and OP sounds like the textbook candidate, given that she sacrificed her potential for a high-paying job to further her husband's career and raise his children.

BarbaraofSevillle · 09/04/2018 13:23

Well I know someone who had to give his ex DW £50k on divorce for reasons I don't understand he is a horrible man though so she deserves more than that for being his wife to be fair.

They were only married a few years, didn't have DCs and she still worked, so there's hope for the OP.

Pensions and what's happened to any money from the house sale would be the cruicial issues I would have thought, rather than the OP paying the bills going forwards.

honeylulu · 09/04/2018 13:23

Hold up ... So when you met he was 18 and you were 30? Is that right?
misses point of thread

RandomDreams · 09/04/2018 13:23

You're going to get a lot less than £750 a month once you get divorced OP.

letsdolunch321 · 09/04/2018 13:25

After seeing the solicitors, it may be beneficial to go through all the monthly bills & see where you may be able to make savings

For example if you have sky sports do you really need this now?

If you have a phone contract can you get a cheaper contract.

Can you get a better rate for ypur gas/electric? Every little helps rspecially when you find yourself living alone.

When I was in a similar situation I found lots of companies were very helpful.

Good luck

ReanimatedSGB · 09/04/2018 13:28

If it turns out you are not legally entitled to very much money from him (though definitely get independent advice and do not accept whatever he tells you, as he does not have your best interests in mind) you should be entitled to housing benefit or working tax credits or something similar, though you will be expected to increase your hours or find a better paying job.

Chrys2017 · 09/04/2018 13:31

As I understand it from reading the link I posted above, the new partner's income is also taken into account when your ex-husband's household income is being assessed!
Glad you are getting legal advice OP as this is a minefield.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/04/2018 13:32

If you have no dependant children, you don't get working tax credits.

That is why I am in poverty. Their expectation is that you go and get a 'better job'. You also don't get much (if any) housing benefit.

So don't rely on benefits, OP. Get proper legal advice.

Babyroobs · 09/04/2018 13:34

You can get working tax credits as a single person with no dependent children. I think the threshold is around 13k.

Runningbutnotscared · 09/04/2018 13:36

So your husband is just in his 40’s?
That’s not great, pension wise. He won’t have accumulated that much yet.

user1486062886 · 09/04/2018 13:42

No wonder Men say woman are only after money, It’s not nice what his done to you, Your Children are young Adults now and as you will have to look after themselves, just because you were together for a while, you don’t expect him to look after you for life ?

user1492958275 · 09/04/2018 13:46

I'm confused, you're not together and the children are grown - but he still pays your rent ?

That's brilliant.

Why would you expect more than that? It's not ideal as a situation, but he must be paying rent on his new home as well. You work full time so you should be able to cover the bills by yourself minus the rent.

crimsonlake · 09/04/2018 13:47

Difficult one. Did you give up a career to be a satm whilst he climbed the career ladder? If so your career sacrifice and loss of building up your pension will be taken into consideration for any financial settlement.
Was there any equity in your fmh when you sold and went in to rented?
The only way to get him to disclose his assets now is by completing Form E, which is a very lengthy financial document.
It is very unlikely that any court will make his partner disclose her finances, but you can ask that the fact he is cohabiting and therefore sharing living costs with someone which means he has more disposable income.
Given he is a high earner and this was a long marriage you should be entitled to something, whether it is sm or a lump sum?
The fact that you are working full time is obviously to your benefit, however the courts will see you as being more or less self sufficient.
Make a free initial appointment with a solicitor, infact try and see a couple.

SindysHorse · 09/04/2018 13:48

So you're 13 years older than him (also misses point of thread)!

Peonyflower37 · 09/04/2018 13:50

Sorry to hear that; you are entitled to half of the assets but he has been very clever and you very naive not sorting things out from when you separarted, he has kept you quiet by giving you money every month. Hopefully he has not got rid of all the assets; no wonder why he didn't want to buy another house. He wanted to keep all his money.

Hope you can build your life again. It is hard when you have given everything up for him and your children.

unfortunateevents · 09/04/2018 13:51

It's not nice when a marriage breaks up after such a long time and it's understandable that you are not inclined to be kind to him but you have to appreciate that as a single woman now (in reality although not yet in law) you can't possibly expect to earn what looks like approx. £16k p.a. plus get any more than£750 per month from your ex? If your rent is £850, move! This is presumably a home which was rented to accommodate at least four people, you don't need to be there any more. Your utility bills will also decrease when you move somewhere more suitable.

You do need to se a solicitor however to formalise things like the divorce and sort finances around investments, pensions etc.

MrsMollyMooMoo · 09/04/2018 13:59

Why are people pointing out the fact that the OP is older than him Confused

PrincessScarlett · 09/04/2018 14:00

What happened to the money from the sale of your house 11 years ago?

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