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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So finally called the police and had abusive H removed what happens next?

31 replies

womaninatightspot · 08/04/2018 22:46

I am shaking and nervous but I finally feel like there's a chance I'll be able to go back to being myself, be the mother I want to be, rather than the puddle of nerves I've become wondering what I or the children are going to do to upset him. They've taken him away and he'll be charged, bailed and prevented from contacting me apparently. It wasn't physical violence it was emotional abuse but I'm so scared of him. The house is locked up and the dc are sleeping. A bit of me wants to drink a glass of wine and actually tap dance around as a reward for finally taking that first step, for saying actually that's not ok. The rest of me is wondering what happens next, what steps should I take, what should I be doing. Would love any advice I don't really have anyone in real life as I've cut myself off and only really have surface friendships with the mummy crowd as I am so ashamed and nervous all the time. I do bright and breezy very well though, I do wonder who has noticed/ guessed.

OP posts:
DumbleDee · 08/04/2018 23:24

I don't know what happens next definitely. I called police once and my OH was arrested not charged. Social services contacted me because their were kids (not his) in the house.

I stupidly fell for his apology no further DV but lots of controlling behaviour and fighting now to exit.

Just want you to know you are brave strong and I admire you. Best of luck x

DumbleDee · 08/04/2018 23:24

I don't know what happens next definitely. I called police once and my OH was arrested not charged. Social services contacted me because their were kids (not his) in the house.

I stupidly fell for his apology no further DV but lots of controlling behaviour and fighting now to exit.

Just want you to know you are brave strong and I admire you. Best of luck x

Shizzlestix · 08/04/2018 23:25

Get an occupation order for the house, get a non-molestation order to get you and your children some stability. If you are married, you can’t keep him out of the house if he wants to return til you have done this.

Overthinker1 · 08/04/2018 23:25

Well done for getting the police involved! You must feel so relieved. Get in contact with your local organisation that helps women fleeing abusive relationships as you will need on going support in place for any wobbles. They can offer advice on the next steps Flowers

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 08/04/2018 23:39

The police said they were going to get an order that stops him coming back to the house or contacting me till trial. Is this likely to be a non-molestation order?

We are married but the house is in my name only but he must have rights. I was thinking I should contact womens aid and will do so in the morning. I don't think I'll have a wobble he'll be furious at the inconvenience this will cause him.Obviously whilst being charming and lovely to the officers. I dread to think what'd happen if we were alone again. I think I've broken some sort of unmentioned macabre pact to stay silent. Somehow I think that'd allow him to stop being so restrained and give me the really good kicking he sure I deserve and would probably help me become a better person (according to him obvs.)

OP posts:
Original poster
womaninatightspot · 08/04/2018 23:51

Thinking about it they actually said part of his bail conditions would be not to contact me so would have to apply for a non-molestation order/ occupancy order seperately.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 08/04/2018 23:55

Well done OP. Brave step you’ve taken.
Good idea to call Women’s Aid. They have a 24h helpline if you want to talk to them tonight. But morning is good too.
How old are your children?
How are you for money? Do you have your own account and/or a joint one?

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 09/04/2018 00:06

Kids are between 3-7. I have my own account and we have a joint one that I don't use. I have enough cash to last 3 months I think before I hit trouble. I'm planning on putting in a tax credits application which along with my income (small) should be enough to keep us going/ being able to pay mortgage.

I did try womensaid but it bounced me to voicemail as no one available.

OP posts:
Original poster
womaninatightspot · 09/04/2018 00:24

Ah fuck, fuckity fuck. Police have just came by to say they weren't able to charge him. My word against his and as there's no evidence either way. I should of recorded him during one of his rants. This is the worst possible outcome isn't it?

OP posts:
TwentySmackeroos · 09/04/2018 00:29

No, there are worse outcomes, but I am not belittling your fear at all. You did the right thing by making the call. You are thinking the right thoughts in planning to call WA. You are taking the correct and careful steps. Mind yourself, and reach out to us Flowers

DancingLedge · 09/04/2018 00:30

Post in Legal, to find out what order you can take out against him.
Are you safe tonight?

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 09/04/2018 00:35

I am I think, he told the police he was going up North and they followed him for a bit after they brought him to collect the car. Tbh he's clever so wouldn't come tonight or tomorrow but would wait till you relax your guard, get complacent and then appear with sudden aggression.

Ex military so good at calm, controlled interspersed with sudden bursts of violence.

OP posts:
TwentySmackeroos · 09/04/2018 00:40

No harm (if you can) to call to the police station tomorrow, thank them for their time, and ask them what measures you should take as you are fearful. Just to reinforce it and to show the police you are concerned for your safety peace of mind.

Gemini69 · 09/04/2018 00:44

congratulations OP... you did the right thing for you and your kids Flowers

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 09/04/2018 00:47

The officer did give his name and police station and said to call on 101 and he'd chat to me/ callback. I think he feels a bit sorry for me . He did recommend womensaid as the next step.

I will call tomorrow.

OP posts:
bunbunny · 09/04/2018 01:00

Use your time to hunt through any paperwork he has for things like bank accounts, pay slips etc and make copies of them, then work out somewhere safe to put them - deposit box at the bank, with a solicitor, with a trusted friend - anywhere but at your house.

Likewise - all your/your dc's important documents - passports, birth certificates, house deeds, your own bank details etc etc - get them out of the house and somewhere safe too.

Take money out of the joint account or at least start to use it for household expenses, save your money for as long as possible.

Also make yourself a grab bag with a couple of sets of clothes for everyone, pjs, toothbrush, nappies if needed, snacks, toys/distractions for the dc, a phone charger for you, and so on, so if you do need to ever grab it and get out of the house (or send somebody to your house to get it) you'll be able to have enough to see you all through a couple of days. Probably forgotten lots of things but it gives you a good starting point.

Get hold of an old fashioned not-smart phone. The old Nokia or samsung brick type that don't have screens or use data and have a battery life of weeks. Then keep it always with you, especially if your dh does reappear.

Get a recording app on your phone or work out other ways that you can record what's going on in case you ever need to again, as evidence.

Talk to the local police as suggested - but also ask if there is anything they can do to suggest how to make your house safer.

Dig out those contact details for old friends and family that you've cut yourself off from - and start to make contact again. Even if it's just to say you have a new phone number and you hope they're well and how about catching up for coffee one day - something little just to get that contact started. Not everybody will be able to respond immediately or be able to catch up immediately - but I bet they will all be pleased to hear from you. It might take time but even if just one or two people respond to start with -- it"s a start to build on into your new future.

TwentySmackeroos · 09/04/2018 01:02

I 100% agree with what bunbunny said. Be prepared.

AornisHades · 09/04/2018 01:09

Put the keys in the locks for outside doors, turned to 45 degrees when you're in. He won't be able to get in with keys then.

Cambionome · 09/04/2018 07:16

The most important thing is to keep yourself and dc safe. Flowers

When you feel able, make an appointment to see a solicitor. Unfortunately, the house being in your name won't make any difference if you are married, it will probably still be considered a joint asset. A good solicitor will be able to advise you properly about finances though.

Good luck.

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 09/04/2018 08:55

Good morning, nothing eventful happened last night. I have all the documents for the dc passports/ birth certificates and will pack a grab bag just in case.

I'm sure I need to speak to a solicitor but we divorced years ago in a foreign country (dominican republic) and I bought the house with the settlement money. It's not entirely legal here but I remember looking into it and I think it could be registered.

He's previously said that were he to leave then neither I or the children would ever see him again obviously that makes me the bad guy for the dc.

I feel that I need to start taking control again, I've been numb for so long but I have a list of calls to start to make at 9am post coffee and cbeebies can be my friend.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2018 09:09

If the joint account you don't use is in credit, get yourself taken off it today. Otherwise he could take you into debt you'd be liable for. You don't need his agreement to do this. If it's in overdraft, you won't be able to.

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 09/04/2018 09:20

The tesco order came and I was just so nervous at hearing wheels on the gravel.He's got the car so am isolated here, no buses etc. If desperate I can get enterprise to pick me up and hire a car though.

OP posts:
bunbunny · 09/04/2018 10:17

And if he leaves then that doesn't make you the bad guy for the dc.

He is the bad guy for the dc - whether or not he sees them is completely on him, and his behaviour to you and the dc (if he was court ordered to stay away it would still be his fault because he was the one that did something so bad he needed to be kept from them to keep them safe).

It is his choice whether or not he sees them. It is his choice whether or not he behaves well enough to see them. You are not his keeper. All you have to do is to keep yourself and your dc safe.

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 09/04/2018 10:57

You are right I am not his keeper. I came to this conclusion after reading lots of threads on mumsnet when we were going through a really horrible patch a couple of years ago. I wish I'd ended things then but I was so drained and sleep deprived 6mo twins who never slept at the same time.

However am making the right decisions now am waiting for womensaid to call me back I left a voicemail.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 09/04/2018 11:03

Can you ask the police for a security check on the house?
Does he still have keys?

You are lucky it's on your name and he has no rights to live there

Pack his stuff ready to be collected

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