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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He only hit me one time

56 replies

MsPennybloom · 08/04/2018 17:41

NC for obv reasons.

He rough handled me, hit me just the once. Keeps minimizing it, confusing me that it's not abuse or a big deal. Says once is not assault and he is not a monster. He lost control in extreme desperation.

I'm so lost, confused and hurt

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 18:18

He assaulted you. What he did is a crime. A crime. He doesn't get to decide it's not and dictate that to you. His denials and minimising mean he believes his criminality is an appropriate way to act and if you don't leave, he'll do it again. Over and over. Until he can't do it anymore because he's killed you.

pointythings · 08/04/2018 18:21

Once is once too often.

My STBXH once expressed a desire to kill me while very drunk (long history of alcohol abuse). I called the police and had him removed. He has not been back.

Don't let him have a chance to make it twice.

corythatwas · 08/04/2018 18:22

If random man assaults you in the street, would you really say "oh it was only the once, it doesn't matter"? Would you expect that to wash with the court?

And it's not just that he hit you once: he is busy telling you he did nothing wrong- which means he is leaving the door open to hitting you again! That is what you have to think of: you are trusting your life with a man who thinks there is nothing wrong with hitting you as long as he is sufficiently frustrated.

Original poster
MsPennybloom · 08/04/2018 18:42

I feel so drained and tired of fighting all the time. He's always so controlling and. Irritable. He works in school settings/career advice with under 18s, and everyone seems yo love him, like they'd never believe what he's like at home...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 18:46

'He works in school settings/career advice with under 18s, and everyone seems yo love him, like they'd never believe what he's like at home...'

Yeah, they would. A teacher murdered his wife and 3 sons in Ireland a couple of years ago.

And it doesn't matter what they think.

He's a criminal who could kill you.

SevenStones · 08/04/2018 18:48

You need to get rid. ASAP. It wouldn't matter if the rest of the 7 billion people in the world loved him. He's violent, controlling and irritable to you. Don't put up with it.

DancingLedge · 08/04/2018 18:48

Ah, the Jeckyll and Hyde. Mr nice guy who everyone loves, but is abusive to his partner. This is not uncommon.

Don't be confused by it.
He's assaulted you. He's abusive. He's controlling.

Try talking to Women's Aid. 0800 2000 247

littlemisscomper · 08/04/2018 18:51

I know it's cliche, but really think about what you would say to your best friend if she came to you with this dilemma. Would it be:

'He probably didn't mean to hurt you. Maybe he won't even do it again? I think you should give him another chance!'

or

'You're not safe with him any more. You need to leave him. I'll help in any way I can.'

Genuinely think about what you would advise her, and then follow your own advice whatever it may be.

Redglitter · 08/04/2018 18:51

He's only hit you one time - so far. Now that he's crossed that line and is completely minimising his behaviour you can bet it won't be the last

PoshPenny · 08/04/2018 18:52

You need to get rid. He won't change. It will only get worse. Yes it's assault. His minimising of it all and trying to justify his actions is very worrying.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 08/04/2018 18:58

I have today posted on another thread about this.
That first time he hit me turned into a weekend of abuse. I contacted the police and had nothing more to do with him.
Please contact the police. You need support Flowers

spacecadet48 · 08/04/2018 19:09

God he is good. He hits you and manhandles you, but it's not abuse and it isn't assault as far as he is concerned. Well really? Perhaps share that piece of info with family and friends and they may be quick to point out that it is as would the police or any other non abusive bloody human. What's even more worrying is his absolute lack of remorse. Now that he has done it once and is trying to convince you it's not abuse don't be surprised when he does it again. You need to accept its abuse, it's not acceptable and you need to make a decision about the kind of person you want to be with.

Ryder63 · 08/04/2018 19:11

OP think what would happen to him if he rough handled and hit one of the under 18s. He wouldn't do it, because he'd lose his job, be arrested and have a criminal conviction. No clear DBS.

But he hit you because he thinks he can get away with it. Are you worth less than one of the teens he works with?

Having young people fawning over him may have contributed to his appalling behaviour at home. Please leave.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 08/04/2018 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2018 19:23

Once is one time too many
Please call womens aid for advice to leave him

PoorYorick · 08/04/2018 19:28

He works in school settings/career advice with under 18s, and everyone seems yo love him, like they'd never believe what he's like at home...

They don't need to believe it. You KNOW it. Unfortunately, those sorts of professions attract abusers as well as caring and decent people. The abusers like being surrounded by vulnerable people who feel some sort of 'deference' towards them (for want of a better word).

He is a violent cunt and he will only get worse. Do not let him gaslight you. We are telling you he is talking shit and he is 100% in the wrong and he is abusing you and warping your perceptions. Get. Out.

MadameOvary · 08/04/2018 19:44

He felt ENTITLED to hit you. He feels ENTITLED to treat you like crap. And he will feel ENTITLED to enact all the abuse that's coming your way. For him to get to the point he has reached now, he will have "tested" you in many tiny ways.
Snapped at you.
Tried to control what you wear, where you go, you see.
Refused to accept responsibility for something he will blame on anyone but himself.
Silenced you.
Refused to engage when you tried to talk.
Ignored you.

Having successfully done each of these without challenge, or responding with subtly threatening behaviour so you are too intimidated to approach him again about it, he will then escalate to physical aggression.
Slammed doors? Punched walls?
Can you tell I was once in your situation?

maceymoo20 · 08/04/2018 19:47

One time will lead to more times! You need to get out for your own safety.

Leave him 💐

minimalpatience · 08/04/2018 19:55

Like others said once is one time too many. The fact that he is minimising also doesn't bode well as he obviously doesn't think what he did was that bad in which case he will have no qualms doing it again.

rainbowlou · 08/04/2018 19:57

My ex only hit me once, but he emotionally and verbally abused me daily for months on end.
He pushed me, threw me around, dragged me across the floor and pressed his head up against mine until I heard my nose crack..but he reminded me time and time again he’d ‘only’ hit me once, because I provoked him and it proved how much he loved me because nobody else wound him up like I did.
It will get worse, please please contact women’s aid and get help and support to leave him Flowers

Angelf1sh · 08/04/2018 20:18

There’s nothing confusing here, he’s assaulted you and he’ll do it again and again as long as you remain in a relationship with him. Do yourself a favour and get out now.

Benandhollysmum · 08/04/2018 20:20

Just the once-that makes it alright then!
Then they’ll be another time he hits you, and another and another..
It’s never just the once..a healthy relationship, no hands are raised.

FreshStartToday · 08/04/2018 20:22

Wise words from Madam Ovary.

Hitting, even once, suggests that he has a very unhealthy view of your relationship. "Only" once is not "only once so it doesn't matter". He hit you. And you should not be treated like that by the most important person in your life. You are worth much, much more.

He believes he is entitled to hit you. The law of this country says that he is not.

dirtybadger · 08/04/2018 20:28

By the way OP, it is assault without him hitting you. Manhandling, pushing, or shoving is still physical domestic abuse. If you wouldnt do it to a stranger on the street, why would you do it to someone you claim to care about?

Strength to you.

Gloryificus · 08/04/2018 20:40

Pushing shoving blocking, using physical force gripping wrist etc are all domestic violence not just a one time hit.
Who else in his life family or work is he OK with hitting just the once??
He works with under 18s and feels its OK to hit the once? What sort of lies is he spouting to himself to make hitting his partner ok?

How many more times will be enough though or will he just resort to other forms of abuse instead?

This isn't OK and you have any right to be hurt confused by this, your feelings are valid and matter more than his need to minimize.
Every time he minimizes this he is normalizing abuse!
He should be disgusted with himself and be seeking help with his temper/loss of control away from you.

If he hit a person in street ONCE he'd be arrested and charged with assault

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