With a man that doesn't want to be part of my kids lives

[glitterbutterboo]

I was just looking for your opinions on this. Do you think this can carry on? Or do you think it's unhealthy?
So I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. He has 3 children of his own and I have 2. He made it clear he didn't want to be part of my kids lives ie playing Daddy role. He wants to move in together but not until my kids have left home and his. When we are together and my kids are there he pays with them brings them ice cream etc gives my youngest cuddles when she asks. Never ignores them if they ask for something or need help he's there and if he can he will help. We love each other very much. We see each other twice a week the way it works because he lives so far away and works away or has his kids. I have spoken to a couple of people one says that's it's your relationship and love it the way you want and the other says it isn't healthy. What do you think? Thanks

How old are you kids?
Are you ok with the situation?

They are 3 and 8. His kids are teenagers now. I'm happy we spend time together often and we do get alone time often as well. He's never horrible to my kids and always interacts with them. I get the whole not wanting to play the daddy role but be more of a friend to them ( they see there dad regularly) I'm happy the way things are as in I get to see my boyfriend but I also get much needed alone time with my kids. They seem very happy and enjoy seeing my boyfriend but also love the alone time with me. It just makes you think though when someone says it's unhealthy or not normal. What what really is

I can't see there is anything wrong here.
They are your kids not his.
Blending families with children can be tricky, difficult and hard work. He's just saying he doesn't want to put you all through that while the children are at a dependent age.
It sounds like he is kind to your children and makes an effort to see you and engage with them when he sees them, he just doesn't want to live with, or start playing a daddy role to children that aren't his. I don't blame him, being a step parent when you have your own children to consider is hard.
Relationships models vary from couple to couple. It's not one size fits all.
If it's working for you great, if not end it.

@ALittleBitConfused1 that's the way I see it. I was looking for opinions as sometimes you can see things differently when looking from the outside in. But to me my kids are happy I'm happy and my boyfriends happy. He talks all the time about our future together etc. The way I see it is my kids have a da which they love very much and see. So they don't need a daddy figure. My bf is very good with them. I should just tell the negative people to keep their nose out. We are all happy so it doesn't matter

@Smeaton thank you. I suppose there will always be negative people. For everything in life. As long as all parties ie me my kids and bf then it's really none of their business.

What ALittleBitConfused said. ^

He's not their dad; they have a dad. I think your title is a little misleading, OP. It's not that he doesn't want to be part of their lives. He is kind to them. I'm a teacher and often on MN, despair of the situations children live with. I don't see a problem here.

I think it's fair enough. He has raised his own children. But can you wait fifteen years until you move in together ?

It sounds an ideal set up to me! people sometimes force the 'blended families' thing unnecessarily. It often doesn't pan out well.

Enjoy what you have - ignore the negative comments!

It all depends on how discontented you are with the situation. If you accept it then fine but if you think it's a huge problem then it isn't fine. It seems an awfully long time before you will be able to move in together. If he's good with them and you are happy to live apart then it's nobody else's business.

I think the way he treats them is fine.

However the not wanting to move in together is strange as (a) its 15 years (at least) and (b) what happens if you do wait that long, you do move in together and then one wants to move back

This is the relationship I would want - sounds perfect to me.

Who said that all couples have to live together?
Isnt it better to have a great relationship in two houses than a shit one in one house?

Spot on!

If it works for you two and your families and you're happy with it then who cares what anyone else says. From what I've learned on mn it's more common than you'd think for partners in long term commuted relationships to live separately. I don't think it's unhealthy from what you've said. If he were ignoring your children or horrible to them ect. Then yes but he sounds lovely.

That wouldn’t have been enough for me, but we are all different and if it works for you and you and your dc are happy then who is to say it is wrong.

For me I wanted to be a traditional family set up- as much as possible in this sort of situation! So I moved my now dh in with me and dd (then aged 5) after some significant time dating and we then went on to marry and have ds now aged 6 (dd is now 15). It’s worked out well for us but then dh didn’t have any children of his own, so less complicated than your situation. Dd considers him to be more of her Dad than her real dad (who she only sees once a year, he lives in the USA).

Committed not commuted

Take it one day/month/year at a time. While it works it works. As long as you’re not desperate to have more children time spent with a nice man whose company you enjoy is not wasted.

Does it feel ok to you op? It sounds healthy to me. I'm a primary teacher and always surprised at the number of children who call their mum's boyfriend 'dad' or 'stepdad' when they've only been on the scene for a few months, even when there's a real dad involved in their lives.

Your bf is kind to your children, he just doesn't want to be a dad to them. Your children are very little still and he's already been through the small children stage with his own dc. It's understandable that he doesn't want to do it all again. He is being honest. He sounds committed to you and your relationship. I think it's fine.

Sounds pretty much perfect to me, no law says you must live together. This would suit me grand tbh.

This would be my ideal relationship.

As others said as long as you are happy with the current situation continuing for the next 15 years then that’s absolutely fine.
It’s interesting that he thinks that living with you would put him in the role of your kids dad, they would still have their own dad.

Seeing someone twice a week after 2.5 years together is unusual though.

It isn't wrong to want a live-in relationship, someone to share the great times and also the load of raising small children. That isn't "negative", that would be normal for a lot of people in a long term relationship.

It sounds like you do want a life partner and he wants a twice a week girlfriend. Neither are wrong by the way.

And presumably you'll maybe move in together in 15 years time when the youngest is 18? Or after that if the youngest doesn't move out then?

That really is playing the long game.

Entirely up to you whether you want that or not. But you have to be honest with yourself.

I think it's fine. He's nice to them is friendly to them.

Sounds perfect to me.

If I meet someone after splitting up from stbxh, I'm definitely not moving them in whilst the kids live at home. No matter how much I love them.