With a man that doesn't want to be part of my kids lives

[glitterbutterboo]

I was just looking for your opinions on this. Do you think this can carry on? Or do you think it's unhealthy?
So I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. He has 3 children of his own and I have 2. He made it clear he didn't want to be part of my kids lives ie playing Daddy role. He wants to move in together but not until my kids have left home and his. When we are together and my kids are there he pays with them brings them ice cream etc gives my youngest cuddles when she asks. Never ignores them if they ask for something or need help he's there and if he can he will help. We love each other very much. We see each other twice a week the way it works because he lives so far away and works away or has his kids. I have spoken to a couple of people one says that's it's your relationship and love it the way you want and the other says it isn't healthy. What do you think? Thanks

As long as you're not sad about not living together for 15+ years then it's fine.

I wouldn't like it, but I'm not you OP! Do what makes you happy.

It sounds fine, they have a dad and he is your boyfriend and that's how he wants to stay to them.

Are you really not going to move in together for at least 15 years? I suspect that will change as the children get older and not so dependant, or perhaps you just won't move in together (which also sounds fine).

It sounds like a healthy relationship, I hate seeing 'boyfriends' move in after a month and then the kids are calling them dad, thats really not so healthy.

Relationships where children are involved from past relationships can be complex and your boyfriend sounds very sensible with his approach.

Sounds perfect to me! You're happy, your kids are happy, your Bf is happy, presumably his kids are happy.
The only person not happy is your interfering "friend". Just ignore her!

It's fine as long as you're happy about not living together for perhaps 20 years, and as long as he is decent to your kids and doesn't exclude them. What happens if your kids don't move out though? DH lived at home till he was 28. My friend still lives at home due to illness Another friend got divorced at 30, had to sell her house and moved back home for a couple of years. Is your DP prepared for that sort of scenario?

Sounds ideal, better than forcing a blended relationship in which children suffer and the adults are blissfully unaware.

Going against the grain here but to plan for a life apart for 15 years seems a bit odd. I also don't see any comment from you on whether it is working for you.
I would have my eyes wide open. You are both effectively "single" with no rights if one dies etc. and that is unfortunate.
I wonder what he would say if you asked him if he saw marriage within 15 years. Is it the relationship or the living arrangements that he has a problem with?
After seeing various things happen in friends' lives (death etc.), I know think that life is for living now.

Personally I wouldn't want it, however it it your relationship and if it works for you then why not. As long as it will work for you for the next 15 years!

No one can give you the answer to this OP.

I intend to never live with a man for as long as I love but that doesn’t and won’t atop me from having meaningful full relationships with commitment and enthusiasm. I’m just not keen on sharing a bathroom/bedroom/gas bill etc.

Other posters like the ones above wouldn’t agree with me but none of us are wrong we’re just different and that’s fine.

You have to decide for you what makes you happy and what you’re willing to compromise on or not, then sail through the world with confidence and boundaries firmly in place.

Sounds perfect to me. I hate mums who have their new boyfriends being dad so the kid ends up with a new "dad" every so often. The moving in thing wouldn't be for me though as I want a partner I live with. But my mum had a boyfriend when I was young and it was made clear from the get go he was not going to be our dad or even step dad, he was always just called his name. Even when my mum went on to have a baby with him. It was fine we liked him and he treated us well.

Non-parent adults moving into the house just because they are in a relationship with the parent can be awful for children. I think your relationship sounds like a much less selfish way to be live you are raising your children. If it's working well why change it?

Sounds fine to me OP. Not sure about your long-term plan but then again all life isnt risk isn't it?

OH is a single dad, lives with 17 year old DS. My DDs are early 20s still living at home after Uni whilst saving for a house deposit with their partners. I expect they'll be here another 2/3 years at least

Me & OH together 5 years, see each other 3 times per week, holiday together a couple of times a year. Suits us fine. Tbh although I love OH I'm not in a hurry to live with any man again. I work, have a hobby & my own family life. Same for him.

Just thinking you've actually more than 15 years to wait until living together as your eldest may not leave home at 18. You've got 15 years until youngest is 18 and again, may not leave home at 18 either. It's expensive out there...

Enjoy your relationship for what it is.
If you're all happy then that's what counts.

If you are happy with the situation and are not bothered about living together so prepared to wait for fifteen years then that is fine.

Though kids don't always leave, they come back, they live at home, they bring their partners into the house, they have their own children who come to stay. If you are both happy to accept that all your children , and their partners and children , will share both your lives for a great many years then no problem. I just don't think that "leaving home" is a measurable event.

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. Good relationship, committed etc. His kids are early 20s and gradually fleeing the nest. Mine are ages 12 and 8, so still young.

I see my boyfriend 3 times a week, he occasionally stays over, and he's come with me and the kids on a few weekend trips. We're going on a summer holiday this year. He chats to my kids, plays with them etc, has helped with lifts occasionally if I've had to be in 2 places at once.
But he's never going to be a dad to them, and we have no plans to move I together until my kids have left home. I know that'll be 10+ years, but that's fine with me.

only one question you need to ask yourself here, OP: is it working for me?

nobody else is going to be able to answer this question for you, only you can

If everyone - including you - is happy with this arrangement then it’s just fine!

To me this sounds like perfection. Your kids don’t have another man ‘playing Daddy’, they get plenty of time with you and you get independence, a great relationship with your kids, but someone else in your life to spend time with, talk to, have adult conversation with and get support from. Sounds lovely.

It would depend on whether I thought he was using that as a excuse to not progress the relationship and if that mattered to me. From what you've said it sounds fine and a far more practical solution than dealing with a blended family. But it depends on whether you are happy with it. I would love it personally.

Seems quite extraordinary to me that a man who felt his parenting days were behind him would get together with a woman who had a 6 month old and a toddler.

Absolutely fine to feel as he does but it’s optimisric to think your DC will turn 18 and become fully independent and move out, and that your relationship can progress seeing each other twice a week.

Only you know how you feel. But you’ve got an awful lot of parenting years ahead of you and he’s been frank about the extent of his wish to be involved. Is that enough for you or do you like the idea of having a partner or a husband who’s part of your family unit?

What’s your relationship like with his children?