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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I ruining my marriage?

40 replies

MyAirmansKeeper · 07/04/2018 22:38

Hi I’m new here so I hope I’m posting in the right area but anyway I really need some advice. My husband and I have a 6 year age gap (I’m 23, he’s 29) and it’s never been an issue before but when we moved in together 2 years ago after our marriage and after dating for 5 years, he began to make nasty little comments like why am I not doing anything with my life and why can’t I be more like his sister or his ex and saying I’m not going anywhere in life. I dropped out of HS because of bullying so I’m very introverted as it is and then I was raped so I became even more introverted. It’s very difficult for me to hold a job because interacting with men that aren’t my husband or family makes me extremely nervous. I’ve had counseling for it and I do see it improving but not at the rate he wants. He also wants me to finish my ged and for the first year of our marriage I told him I wasn’t ready. I took 3/4 tests so I only have the math portion left and the more I said I wasn’t ready the more names he called me and tried to force me into taking it. I finally feel confident enough to pass and it’s scheduled for 3 days from now 😊 I also got a job at a childcare facility and they’re going to help me get my bachelors so I’m happy about that and it seemed that our issues where coming to an end but a week ago his grandmother passed away. She was his guardian because he was an orphan so they were very close and when she died his personality changed for the worst. He’s been saying I’m fat when I’m average sized wearing a size 5 pants, he says ew when he looks at me but says he’s kidding, we have no sex life, he said he wanted to try for kids but I caught him telling another woman he doesn’t want children with me and being flirty with her but he says he hates hat I’m jealous. Since we came to California for his grandmas funeral he’s been saying he doesn’t love me and he hasn’t for a long time. He got very very intoxicated last night at a family gathering for his grandma and ended up saying he doesn’t want to be with me at all and we will never work because he has too high standards and he can be with anyone and make them great but not me. But when I tried to leave because I was hurt he said I should stay and support him as a friend and said I’m being selfish and I don’t care about his grandmas passing. Right now it is 2:35 pm and he’s hungover and laying in bed next to me and he wants me to stay with him in here. I feel like I’m being used as a security blanket. I feel like he doesn’t care but he doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t love me but he wants me to stay around for him... what do I do? What do you guys think is going on? Am I a bad wife?

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 07/04/2018 22:42

you are not a bad wife but he is a bad husband and getting worse.
lucky you don't have children with him, just leave him.

Original poster

MyAirmansKeeper · 07/04/2018 22:44

I guess I should also tell u guys while he was drunk he had a breakdown and cried because his dad was murdered and he said he didn’t know what to do with himself and he kept asking his uncle if his dad was a good man and why his mom abandoned him. What I feel in my heart is that I need to stay by him and love him through this because I think he’s been hurting for a while and he’s just angry with life. But at the same time people always say that you are most honest when your drunk... I can’t help but think he really meant that he doesn’t love me. He also said it when he was sober. Is this the pain in his heart talking for him or is he serious and doesn’t think I deserve to stand by his side? 😭 I love my husband. I don’t want to lose him...

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 07/04/2018 22:45

Hi OP
Of course you are not a bad wife.You have a bad husband.
He is an abusive bully and you do not need him in your life.
His spiteful remarks are going to knock your confidence and you need to end your marriage and build a new life for yourself.
You're clearly a very intelligent lady,you can do anything,travel,study,work,enjoy being young!
Dont,please,stay with him,he does not deserve you.
Don't feel bad about leaving him when he is grieving,it is not your problem,harsh though it sounds,you must look after yourself

Bastardingcough · 07/04/2018 22:50

He needs professional help.
But no matter how broken he is, remember that he has no right to put you down.
It's your decision to stay and support or leave and make a fresh start. However, you are not responsible for him or his terrible behaviour.

Original poster

MyAirmansKeeper · 07/04/2018 22:51

I guess I’m just scared. He was my first love. The first person I slept with willingly. I’ve never looked at anyone else that way and I guess the sound of starting over after this many years together is just scary. Then there’s the part of me that wants to help him the way he helped me after my rape. He wasn’t always this cold to me 😕 I don’t know what happened or when we grew apart. I can’t imagine my life without him but he seems to be able to imagine his without me. If there is any way I can fight this I would do it.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 07/04/2018 22:58

it is not easy to break up but if you don't this man will damage you. you are already vulnerable.

Original poster

MyAirmansKeeper · 07/04/2018 23:15

I know your right bluebell34567. I’m sure I’ll regret this but I think I should try. I don’t want to divorce at 23

OP posts:

numptynuts · 07/04/2018 23:21

So he had a rough childhood. Well, a lot of people have but don't treat people like he does you. Don't be pitying him, he's using that to excuse his abhorrent, abusive behaviour.

You deserve better than this shit.

Cleavergreene · 07/04/2018 23:26

It’s never ok to treat your partner like shit. It irrelevant that his dad was killed or his grandmother died. You deserve respect. In fact, you should demand it.

My advice....walk....run...don’t look back. He’s an anchor in your life you simply don’t need.

Quartz2208 · 07/04/2018 23:27

You can’t save him, and sav8ng him won’t save you

MMmomDD · 07/04/2018 23:42

OP - you are so young and you haven’t really lived your life.
You are each other’s security blankets.

Don’t - please don’t have a baby with this man. All of your issues will come to head one day and he’ll be gone.

Hard as it may be to hear - I don’t think you two would make it as a couple. He won’t change the way he sees you and criticism would continue. And it will further destroy your self-confidence.
And then - one day - he’ll find someone who would be more ‘like his sister and Ex’ - and he’ll leave.

If I were you - i’d make a plan for your life that doesn’t include him. And do your exams, and figure out what you can do.
And then leave him.

silverbirches · 07/04/2018 23:51

Don't become a martyr. It is not your responsibility to devote the rest of your life to fixing him or his problems.

You were really young when you got together, you have now grown up and grown apart, and you are not happy. Time to think about ending the relationship maybe?

expatmatt78 · 08/04/2018 05:38

Please don't take this the wrong way as I mean it kindly- you both sound like people who have had a rough upbringing and I find "broken" (for want of a better word and no offence) people are attracted to one another for whatever reason.
However he sounds like he really needs some help for some serious issues that have shaped how he is now. He sounds like an abusive man who is taking out his anger at life on you because it's easy and convenient.
You sound like you want and think you can rescue him - excusing vile behaviour because of what he has gone through in life ? I guess it's understandable but I promise you you cannot fix this person and he will continue to drag you down with him.

Reading about your hs issues and how you're trying to fulfil your educational needs - in a NORMAL AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP your dh would be supportive and encouraging not calling you names and belittling you.
You really should consider your future with this man

expatmatt78 · 08/04/2018 05:42

He got very very intoxicated last night at a family gathering for his grandma and ended up saying he doesn’t want to be with me at all and we will never work because he has too high standards and he can be with anyone and make them great but not me. But when I tried to leave because I was hurt he said I should stay and support him as a friend and said I’m being selfish and I don’t care about his grandmas passing
OP I learned the term "gaslighting" here on MN and I believe this is a pretty good example - he's told you he doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you . But when you REACT to that as anyone would he turned it around and YOURE suddenly the shitty person? Because his gran died and his dad died ? So you're basically expected to stick around and be his verbal (for now) punching bag because he's allowed because bad things have happened to him and if you don't you're selfish. Right-o. Does that sound right or totally messed up ?

Original poster

MyAirmansKeeper · 08/04/2018 17:52

ExpatMatt78 it sounds wrong...

OP posts:

Jon66 · 08/04/2018 17:58

What sort of person says things like that to his love? Do yourself a favour and leave. You owe him nothing. If he wanted to sort himself out he would have done it by now.

mimibunz · 08/04/2018 18:00

Hi OP, I divorced my very angry and aggressive EXH when I was 23. It was brutal for the first year because I missed him terribly but it was the right thing to do. You only get this one life.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/04/2018 18:03

Divorcing at 23 will be the best piece of self-care you may ever do. It will be a positive step and a life-affirming decision.

Get the hell out of this abusive tangle of aggression and unkindness.

He needs professional help for his problems. You will never be able to help him and he will only destroy you. Get out.

sonlypuppyfat · 08/04/2018 18:05

My dad had the shittest life imaginable as a young boy and young man a complete nightmare. He never grew up to take it out on anyone and I never heard him talk to anyone without the utmost respect, he worshipped my mum and me. What's happened to your husband does not give him the right to put you down

Ryder63 · 08/04/2018 18:10

He needs professional help for his problems. You will never be able to help him and he will only destroy you. Get out

This ^

Original poster

MyAirmansKeeper · 08/04/2018 18:14

I’m not sure where to start after I leave or what to do with myself. He says I won’t find anyone as great as him and tbh I’m not sure I’ll find someone as great as him either. He’s fit and handsome and I’m just plain....what if I divorce and I never remarried or have any children? I’m always with him so I’m scared of being without him.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyAirmansKeeper · 08/04/2018 18:17

He’s moved me thousands of miles from my family because he didn’t want to stay in that town...where will I go? I don’t have the money for that move and he monitors our money and gives me what he thinks I should spend every month. I have to tell him before I purchase things. I literally have nothing.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/04/2018 18:19

You can’t stay with someone cruel and abusive because they’re handsome, can you?

He’s spinning you a line. It’s part of the abuse, to put you down, make you feel weak and helpless and hopeless. When you leave him you will feel scared and unsure and small at first - but your confidence will grow and grow.

And you’re so, so young, and yes you can meet someone new, meet many people until you find the right man, if you want to...

Go get your future. Don’t waste your life in this misery. There is no good outcome to this relationship.

DairyisClosed · 08/04/2018 18:19

Someone us ruining your marriage and it definitely isn't you. You are so young. You have so much going for you. You are recovering from a very difficult time in your life and you are moving on from it. You don't nerd him. He is only holding you back with his horrible comments.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/04/2018 18:19

Can you reach out to family or friends for help?

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