Am I ruining my marriage?

[MyAirmansKeeper]

Hi I’m new here so I hope I’m posting in the right area but anyway I really need some advice. My husband and I have a 6 year age gap (I’m 23, he’s 29) and it’s never been an issue before but when we moved in together 2 years ago after our marriage and after dating for 5 years, he began to make nasty little comments like why am I not doing anything with my life and why can’t I be more like his sister or his ex and saying I’m not going anywhere in life. I dropped out of HS because of bullying so I’m very introverted as it is and then I was raped so I became even more introverted. It’s very difficult for me to hold a job because interacting with men that aren’t my husband or family makes me extremely nervous. I’ve had counseling for it and I do see it improving but not at the rate he wants. He also wants me to finish my ged and for the first year of our marriage I told him I wasn’t ready. I took 3/4 tests so I only have the math portion left and the more I said I wasn’t ready the more names he called me and tried to force me into taking it. I finally feel confident enough to pass and it’s scheduled for 3 days from now 😊 I also got a job at a childcare facility and they’re going to help me get my bachelors so I’m happy about that and it seemed that our issues where coming to an end but a week ago his grandmother passed away. She was his guardian because he was an orphan so they were very close and when she died his personality changed for the worst. He’s been saying I’m fat when I’m average sized wearing a size 5 pants, he says ew when he looks at me but says he’s kidding, we have no sex life, he said he wanted to try for kids but I caught him telling another woman he doesn’t want children with me and being flirty with her but he says he hates hat I’m jealous. Since we came to California for his grandmas funeral he’s been saying he doesn’t love me and he hasn’t for a long time. He got very very intoxicated last night at a family gathering for his grandma and ended up saying he doesn’t want to be with me at all and we will never work because he has too high standards and he can be with anyone and make them great but not me. But when I tried to leave because I was hurt he said I should stay and support him as a friend and said I’m being selfish and I don’t care about his grandmas passing. Right now it is 2:35 pm and he’s hungover and laying in bed next to me and he wants me to stay with him in here. I feel like I’m being used as a security blanket. I feel like he doesn’t care but he doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t love me but he wants me to stay around for him... what do I do? What do you guys think is going on? Am I a bad wife?

He picked you as victim because of your insecurities due to your horrible experience. Abusive men seek out vulnerable women. His telling you you won't do better is totally designed to keep you in your place - under his thumb.

He may be fit and handsome on the outside - but inside he's messed up and ugly to treat you like this.

No. My mom is disabled so she is financially unable to support me and I wouldn’t want to put that burden on her. I don’t have any other family members who would help me...

Since we came to California for his grandmas funeral he’s been saying he doesn’t love me and he hasn’t for a long time Listen to this and, as heartbreaking as it may be, believe it.

We will never work because he has too high standards and he can be with anyone and make them great but not me. What the actual fuck? Do not let him convince you that you are the problem here! That is an insane thing for him to say to say. You don't go into a relationship to make the other person great.

You sound like you've both had a horrific time of things in the past, but where you are working very hard to overcome those problems and achieve your potential, he is not addressing his problems. He may have supported you in the past although I suspect you may have been better off without him but you absolutely cannot fix this man. He is like a mirror smashed into a million pieces and beyond your help. I know you don't want to be divorced at 23. No sensible person goes into marriage thinking that it's not going to be for life. But you've got to let self preservation kick in.

Where should I go? Should I leave or make him leave? He’s got a lot of money and he will make sure I get nothing in our divorce. I haven’t saved up because he doesn’t give me enough allowance to do anything other than buy basic necessities. I even have to ask him for money for feminine products... I’ll be homeless if I leave him and if I stay then I will have to wait until I save up enough to get a place and pay utilities for a few months in advance... my job isn’t full time because I have to go to school and he likes me home to clean and cook. I can’t support myself and I have no one who will let me stay with them.

Maybe research any women’s services/refuge in your area?

I passed my last ged test yesterday guys!😊 I’m going to start college soon and my new job starts soon. I’m excited. Hopefully I’ll be able to take care of myself lol just thought I’d give you guys an update...thanks for all the advice 😊❤️

Congratulations on passing your GED.

Your husband is abusive. He may be doing so because he fears you leaving him, so he's pushing you away.

He has moved you miles away from your family...increasing your vulnerability.

He wouldn't be so nasty if he truly loved you...he may not know what love really is ... but he's not loving towards you. You don't have a sexual relationship either... you're too young for this to be your life.

If he's saying you should stay to support him as a friend ... then you need to emotionally detach from him. So that his actions don't have such an impact on you. Use him for financial support while you better yourself and don't get pregnant.

I would honestly hate my daughter to be treated as you are. I'd want her back with me even if it was a struggle.

Now you have your GED could you get a part time job? Something to give you a little independence.

Yes you are right 😊 hopefully my job starts soon and I’ll be able to save up a lot.

Congratulations

Just to echo what's already been said, it sounds like you've both been through some pretty traumatic experiences and consequently have ended up with a lot of issues that you need to work on. I think you need to work on these things independently as this relationship is turning increasingly toxic and abusive which isn't helping anybody, least of all you.

He's worn your self esteem down, isolated you and exploited your vulnerability to manipulate you into staying in this relationship whilst he hurls insults and says he doesn't love you. I think you know as you started this thread that it isn't right so act on this instinct. You have your own things to work on/through and you are absolutely not in a position to save or fix him even if you wanted to. Don't stay out of guilt as it is misplaced. As I said earlier, the best thing for BOTH of you to do now would be to split and seek professional help independently to start to heal as people.

@MyAirmansKeeper I am so sorry you have had some seriously awful things happen to you.

I think you are amazing to come through all this, bullying, rape and now being married to a man who treats you so appallingly.

"Since we came to California for his grandmas funeral he’s been saying he doesn’t love me and he hasn’t for a long time. He got very very intoxicated last night at a family gathering for his grandma and ended up saying he doesn’t want to be with me at all and we will never work because he has too high standards and he can be with anyone and make them great but not me."

I really feel based on your opening statements that being away from him would be very good for you. You are young and can make your own choices, and maybe find love with someone who respects you and wants to be with you. I am sure that is a very scary proposition at the moment, but to stay with a man who treats you so badly sounds like a very bad idea.

"But when I tried to leave because I was hurt he said I should stay and support him as a friend and said I’m being selfish and I don’t care about his grandmas passing. Right now it is 2:35 pm and he’s hungover and laying in bed next to me and he wants me to stay with him in here. I feel like I’m being used as a security blanket."

He sounds like a very sad, abusive mixed up man.

"I feel like he doesn’t care but he doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t love me but he wants me to stay around for him... what do I do? What do you guys think is going on?"

I think in your shoes I would get the funeral and whatever else follows out of the way and when you go back to your own home I would look into leaving him, splitting your accestts etc and taking it from there.

"Am I a bad wife?" No, he is a bad husband.

"I guess I should also tell u guys while he was drunk he had a breakdown and cried because his dad was murdered and he said he didn’t know what to do with himself and he kept asking his uncle if his dad was a good man and why his mom abandoned him. What I feel in my heart is that I need to stay by him and love him through this because I think he’s been hurting for a while and he’s just angry with life." He sounds also very angry and abusive to you, what about you don't you count?

" I can’t help but think he really meant that he doesn’t love me." You know I can't say if he loves you or not but I can say his behaviour towards you over a period of time sounds very bad, if that is his idea of love, do you want to live like that?

He can get counselling to come to terms with the grief he has from his own father's death and his grandmothers dead.

"He also said it when he was sober. Is this the pain in his heart talking for him or is he serious and doesn’t think I deserve to stand by his side?" I don't understand what that means.

"I love my husband. I don’t want to lose him..." Just as I am questioning his idea of what love is, I think you need to do some soul searching about love is, what it looks like. Marriage and relationships can be hard but this sounds abusive.

I agree with @KarmaStar "His spiteful remarks are going to knock your confidence and you need to end your marriage and build a new life for yourself.
You're clearly a very intelligent lady,you can do anything,travel,study,work,enjoy being young!
Dont,please,stay with him,he does not deserve you."

Congratulations on the exam and new job, if you do divorce make sure you get a good lawyer/solicitor.

The fact he was supportive and helpful in the past does not excuse this behavior. I think the only way you can 'fight this' is if he sees how in the wrong he is, and gets help to change. But I fear he will not see it, will not get help and will not change.

Agree with "Ryder63* "His telling you you won't do better is totally designed to keep you in your place - under his thumb."

I hope the future will be bright for you. Your husband can also have a bright future if he deals with his own issues but he has had years with you and has chosen not to deal with his own issues and has made them your issues. This is not loving.

But at the same time people always say that you are most honest when your drunk

^Not true at all

I finally had the courage to walk away physically and emotionally. Tonight he told me we don’t have sex because I’m fat....I have been not eating much and dropping weight for him but he says he can’t notice and I’m still big...he said I can give him oral but I’m not good enough to hold his hand in public or touch him in general. The abuse is now affecting my health and I can’t let that continue. My heart is breaking leaving him. I felt so stupid for holding on to this so long and I’m so afraid but it’s time. There’s no love here anymore. I guess there’s just some things you can’t win huh I wish I could have won his love lol I must be really messed up because I can’t help but think somehow this is my fault

I've been reading your posts, but didn't comment as other, wiser heads, were giving you great advice and insight.
I must comment now. I wish you ever success in your new life away from this abusive, rude, arrogant, pig, and excuse for a man. You have a long life ahead of you, and you will find someone who will love you, cherish you, and not treat you like dirt beneath his feet, as this man has done.
Well done on finding the strength. You new life begins now!

This is NOT you!!
It's all him.
He's an abusive asshole and the sooner you can come to terms with that the better.
In the UK we have an organisation called Womens Aid.
You may have something similar over there.
I'm glad you are walking away.
This is no good for you at all.
Good luck with your new job and new life.
You've got this.