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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Estranged husband withholding money

32 replies

Oldlifegoneforever · 07/04/2018 11:03

Husband and I split three months ago due to his uncontrollable spending. History of physical abuse but that ended when eldest dc was 5 although emotional abuse has continued on and off. He runs his own business and I earn very little three days a week. Since leaving, the DC's have not seen him (actually DS has agreed to see him once) as they are absolutely disgusted with his behaviour. This is their choice and I have not encouraged this in any way. I have spoken to them both about the importance of a father in their lives (having lost my own aged 11) and how if anything ever happened to him they would have to deal with the guilt. Life is short and none of us know how long we are here for and I do not want them to cut him out of their lives only to live with regrets in later life. On the other hand I totally understand how they feel. He has got us into all kinds of money problems which is affecting the way we live now. My problem is that since leaving three months ago he has given me no money at all for the DC's apart from £200. He has continued to pay bills/mortgage etc but no money for food apart from one food shop. I have managed by taking money from my small savings which are dwindling very vast. Had to buy new clothes for school trip abroad etc and just cannot go on like this. My DD has grown out of trainers/shoes and coat which will not be cheap. I have not asked him for money as this is what he wants but the other night I relented and texted him telling him how difficult I was finding things financially and how I was exhausted doing everything on my own. Should add that I have no family and no support. He responded by telling me to take the kids on a holiday and that I could use my savings to pay for it. I told him that he must know full well that I had been using savings to live on and buy things for kids. His response was to tell me that kids never went without anything when he was living here and this is what happens when you go NC with your father, that they didn't realise what they had until it was gone and how it was their loss. In other words he has given me no money because they won't agree to see him. We had a lovely family holiday booked abroad (before I realised how bad he had got finances into) but he has said he cannot pay for this and either I pay or we cancel it and lose £1,000. I should add that he is spending around £300.00 a month on cigarettes. I am at the end of my tether and do not know what to do. I am trying to find suitable extra work to get us out of this mess. I have been a good and faithful wife (he had at least one fling - with a woman he met at anger management and took our DD on the date)! and have never wasted money. I have had two nights away in 15 years, never went out with friends or spent money on myself. Why does he hate me so much? To the posters who are about to tell me that I am the most stupid woman on this forum and deserved this for being so blind/dumb please don't. I am one step away from going down to the beach and walking into the sea. I look in the mirror and see a little old lady (aged 50) who looks at least eight years older than I am. I know this is it for me now. He always said no one would ever want me and that is true. I don't care about that I just wonder if I will ever feel happy again because right now I can't imagine it.

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 07/04/2018 11:06

Sorry to hear this, how old are DC? Are you working yourself or been on entitled to see if you are able to claim any benefits?

Changedname3456 · 07/04/2018 11:36

Why haven’t you put a CMS claim in? What’s the position with the house? Mortgaged or rented? Is he paying his share of the mortgage?

PrettyLittIeThing · 07/04/2018 11:40

Can't you just all Cms. Seems the obvious thing to do. Confused

lifebegins50 · 07/04/2018 11:43

You will need to get finances sorted properly, either through mediation or court so you are not relying on his "generosity".

I know it feels bleak now but it will absolutely get better.

Why not try to get advice from CAB on benefits top up and book an appointment with a solicitor for advice.

Do you know the joint financial situation?

Cricrichan · 07/04/2018 11:46

Have you been to see a lawyer and spoken to the cms and to cab to see what he'd have to pay (spousal and child maintenance), what you'd get off the state now that you've split and you are a single mum on a low wage?

He is continuing to financially and emotionally abuse you. Have you got that reply in writing? If so, show it to your solicitor.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/04/2018 11:48

Solicitor, CMS, benefits. You can do it.

Original poster
Oldlifegoneforever · 07/04/2018 11:57

"Can't you just all cms"? not even sue what that is but will google it. No I haven't seen anyone for advice. I honestly did not think he would do this. I feel absolutely mentally drained with trying to do everything on my own and not knowing where to start. Yes he pays mortgage which is very small so no problem there. I also pay bills from my very small wage each month. I don't even know what he earns as he has always kept me out of all finances. Will I be entitled to some kind of benefit as single parent living alone? Kids are 12 and 15. Can't believe he would try to blackmail them into seeing him.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/04/2018 11:58

I hope you are desperately looking for a job? Yes CMS and you can apply for benefits...

I assume you get child benefit?

Original poster
Oldlifegoneforever · 07/04/2018 11:59

Yes I have his reply on text saying that this is what happens when kids won't see him and it's their loss.

OP posts:
Walkaboutwendy · 07/04/2018 12:00

Can you up your hours at work?

TM71 · 07/04/2018 12:03

As mentioned get a solicitor and also contact the USA they will actually take child support directly from his salary and backdated it to the day he left.

TM71 · 07/04/2018 12:05

Ps keep all comms as you will need it to prove his unreasonable behaviour.

TM71 · 07/04/2018 12:05

Sorry not USA csa child support agency

Cricrichan · 07/04/2018 12:07

CMS is the child maintenance service. They will tell you how much he has to pay out of his wages. Your solicitor will tell you what he has to provide (house , equity/savings split etc).

Yes you'll be entitled to benefits as a single mum independent of what he pays you.

You're in a much stronger position than what you think. Also at age 12 and 15 your kids can decide for themselves who they want to see.

But make an appointment with a solicitor, the CMS and CAB (citizens advice bureau) asap.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 07/04/2018 12:17

You have to be formal about this - you can’t rely on his “generosity”. CMS, Solicitor and Citizens Advice or Jobcentre Plus (to discuss what benefits your entitled to). And don’t forget you will now have a 25% reduction in your council tax bill as the house is single occupancy (kids don’t count), so contact your council about that.

GreatThingsWork · 07/04/2018 12:17

Please don't beat yourself up you've done exactly the right thing to separate. Things will get better. Please also call women's aid and tell them how you are feeling. They should recommend programmes to start to repair your self esteem. Soon you'll be looking in the mirror and see the strong independent woman you are. So many of us have been in this type of relationship, you are not the first to feel the way you do. Remember you've had the courage to get out.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 07/04/2018 12:19

Yes u can take a look at www.entitledto.co.uk/?utm_source=BAdviser&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=GovUK for an idea of what you may be entitled to benefitwise.

LemonSqueezy0 · 07/04/2018 13:21

Reading your OP you say he has continued to pay the mortgage and all bills.... It's highly likely that the CMS payment would be a hell of a lot less than that. Not to scare you, but just so you realise that the personal relationship aside he appears to be paying more than theyd expect him to pay.

The onus is on you to get a job and improve your financial independence. He might stop paying the mortgage and bills at any point, leaving you even more vulnerable.

Oneapenny · 07/04/2018 13:24

Yes how much is mortgage and bills?

QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2018 13:29

You should claim child benefit and working tax credit today. You can also contact your council and get a discount on your council tax. 25% reduction will be due to you.

He will also need to pay child maintenance - this is 15% of his yearly income.

Look for the calculator and apply online today.

How much is your mortgage each month?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 07/04/2018 13:42

That's what I was thinking, I'm pretty sure that mortgage and bills would total a lot more than the cms would enforce as payments.
He can't be expected to pay all of your living costs and maintenance, I'm assuming he has his own living costs to pay too.
Are you not able to use your wages to pay the grocery Bill?

Original poster
Oldlifegoneforever · 07/04/2018 23:19

Our mortgage is around a £100 a month. I earn less than £300 a month and he has told me that he claims some kind of tax credit and that if I earn more he will lose this. He is such a liar I have no idea if this is true or not. I pay for 3 lots of mobiles and other standing orders which virtually swallows up my entire meagre salary. He used to give me £500 a month from the business but suddenly stopped this about a year ago. He got rid of my car and replaced it with an old one (I don't care as long as it drives ok) and treated himself to a new one (well two years old) The business has living accommodation so he has no extra outgoings at all. I need to take advice thank you for your kind replies

OP posts:
DorynownotFloundering · 07/04/2018 23:25

Also remind him it is not Pay Per View , with the kids, they are entitled to his support regardless of contact.

Please get down to CAB & get started on getting your well deserved support. Good luck.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2018 23:27

So he is committing fraud? He should not be claiming tax credits at all!

Please please take the advice given to you on this thread

ChickenMom · 08/04/2018 05:58

The tax credits should be going to you. That is your money. Do you have any idea how much he makes from the business? You really need to go and see a solicitor and get proper advice. Why do women do this? Don’t ever just let a bloke dictate to you! There are laws for a reason. CMS will get his last years tax return and your payments will be based on that. Is the mortgage in his name or both? Google tax credits and who you need to speak to. Ring them on Monday and say they are going into your DH account. You have separated so need them going into yours now. You should also be getting child benefit. You might be eligible for housing benefit and council tax reduction. You should get free school meals. You are missing out on a lot of things by not getting proper advice. You can go online and do a benefit calculator. Ring CAB and book an appointment to get help with accessing benefits.