Estranged husband withholding money

[Oldlifegoneforever]

Husband and I split three months ago due to his uncontrollable spending. History of physical abuse but that ended when eldest dc was 5 although emotional abuse has continued on and off. He runs his own business and I earn very little three days a week. Since leaving, the DC's have not seen him (actually DS has agreed to see him once) as they are absolutely disgusted with his behaviour. This is their choice and I have not encouraged this in any way. I have spoken to them both about the importance of a father in their lives (having lost my own aged 11) and how if anything ever happened to him they would have to deal with the guilt. Life is short and none of us know how long we are here for and I do not want them to cut him out of their lives only to live with regrets in later life. On the other hand I totally understand how they feel. He has got us into all kinds of money problems which is affecting the way we live now. My problem is that since leaving three months ago he has given me no money at all for the DC's apart from £200. He has continued to pay bills/mortgage etc but no money for food apart from one food shop. I have managed by taking money from my small savings which are dwindling very vast. Had to buy new clothes for school trip abroad etc and just cannot go on like this. My DD has grown out of trainers/shoes and coat which will not be cheap. I have not asked him for money as this is what he wants but the other night I relented and texted him telling him how difficult I was finding things financially and how I was exhausted doing everything on my own. Should add that I have no family and no support. He responded by telling me to take the kids on a holiday and that I could use my savings to pay for it. I told him that he must know full well that I had been using savings to live on and buy things for kids. His response was to tell me that kids never went without anything when he was living here and this is what happens when you go NC with your father, that they didn't realise what they had until it was gone and how it was their loss. In other words he has given me no money because they won't agree to see him. We had a lovely family holiday booked abroad (before I realised how bad he had got finances into) but he has said he cannot pay for this and either I pay or we cancel it and lose £1,000. I should add that he is spending around £300.00 a month on cigarettes. I am at the end of my tether and do not know what to do. I am trying to find suitable extra work to get us out of this mess. I have been a good and faithful wife (he had at least one fling - with a woman he met at anger management and took our DD on the date)! and have never wasted money. I have had two nights away in 15 years, never went out with friends or spent money on myself. Why does he hate me so much? To the posters who are about to tell me that I am the most stupid woman on this forum and deserved this for being so blind/dumb please don't. I am one step away from going down to the beach and walking into the sea. I look in the mirror and see a little old lady (aged 50) who looks at least eight years older than I am. I know this is it for me now. He always said no one would ever want me and that is true. I don't care about that I just wonder if I will ever feel happy again because right now I can't imagine it.

www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

Also are you paying any of his debts? Car? Phone? TV licence? Insurance? Cancel those. Also look at your bills and see if you can swap suppliers to reduce your costs. Also, how much equity is in the house? You can move somewhere smaller/cheaper and force a sale to realise the profits. That could give you a lump sum.

The child maintenance service will only back date any money he owes you to the date you apply for it, not to when you split up.
Don't wait, ring them Monday morning and get the ball rolling OP!

You are entitled to a set amount of child support, which is based on his income- however he is t I lodged to give you that and continue to pay the mortgage and all the bills. From what you’re saying, he’s paying the large costs still, it’s the day to day costs you are unable to provide? There will be benefits you are entitled to, and money from him- although it may be less than he is currently paying depending on the size of the mortgage. It’s spiteful that him providing money is on the basis of seeking ng the kids, but sadly lots of people feel that way.

Does he mean tax credit as in married tax allowance.
If you are both working but the combined total of salaries falls below a certain threshold there is some kind of tax rebate entitlement.
It's usually awarded if one party earns less than 10k (I think).
In any case he will no longer be entitled to that if you are now separated. As long as you're working 16 hours or more a week you will be entitled to working tax credits in your own right.
You can calculate via the cms website how much maintenance you are entitled to, I think it's a % of his salary that is then decreased for any overnight stays he facilitates but do a quick sum as it may still work out less than what he is paying now.
His living expenses are not your concern now though, he works fulltime and what he pays out is not really anything to do with you. You'll drive yourself mad thinking how unfair it may or may not be. Just try and work out what is the best route for you. I think it's fair to say that once split you can very rarely rely on a man to do anything more than the minimum so start a plan of action that allows you to be self sufficient, increasing hours/increasing your earning power/decreasing spending.
It's unlikely that he will be forced into paying the same amounts be did when you were together so realisticly you need to start doing more of it for yourself. Write down an income and expenditure. Mark off everything he is currently paying. Use the website calculators to estimate what tax credits/maintenance you will be entitled to and then you will see what the shortfall is.
Cab might be able to help.you with all of this once you have the figures down.

You mentioned your wages being almost swallowed up by 3 phones and a few standing orders - check them to see what you really need.

Are the phones now out of contract so you can switch to a pay as you go deal? There are some great deals out there - I was looking at them yesterday and there were several under a tenner a month that had 3-4Mb data, 500 mins and 1000's of texts. There was even one for a fiver a month that had a couple of mb of data and about 250 mins talk plus 1000 texts which I thought would be ideal for ds as most of the time he has wifi and it's just to call and say he needs picking up or he's forgotten his footie kit or similar. If you could get something like that for your dc and you even if you up it at a later date when you have more money if you need to - it could help in the short term.

Also have a look on the moneysaving expert website - they have excellent helpful boards and budgeting tools that can really help with ideas of how to save money, cut bills, be thrifty and so on.

Sounds like your ex has well and truly shafted you and your dc but on the bright side you and they will be so much better off living without him in your lives on a daily basis.

Are you claiming tax credits, you would be entitled so help.