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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I get through the next 9 weeks with him? please help

35 replies

lizzedays · 07/04/2018 09:46

I am not dealing well with life at all.

I started seeing a man going through a divorce (about 6 months into it) and we have been together for 6 months. I knew him before all this, from a distance, as he worked in a different department to me. He was always very nice and chatty.

When we started seeing each other I was looking for a new job and he coincidentally moved to our team. It was really claustrophobic and I was glad I had found a new job for this reason too. We work in a competitive professional industry and egos are rife!

Since we have been together he has treated me terribly...at least I think he has. He has shouted at me for borrowing his iphone charger and separating the lead from the plug. That evening ended in him telling me to fuck off and as I was apologising and saying i didnt want to go to bed on an argument, he gave me silent treatment interspersed with telling me to fuck off and that he needed to sleep. Another time we pulled up to work and I was reading an email. He screeched into the car park, got out and threw the keys at me and told me if I was going to ignore him and be disrespectful then he would leave me to lock the car up. He gets angry if i message my mum or friends too much in the car as he says it is disrespectful. Recently he sat in a bar with me with a face like thunder and when i asked what was wrong he said the mask is slipping and i would see he was an awful person soon. Other times he will have loads of confidence and arrogance and actually tell me he is good looking and hes always had good looking women. On those days he tends to question why i dont go for spray tans or have proper waxes all the time (as oppsoed to holidays etc). He got massively drunk the day before my gran's funeral and told me to fuck off and locked me out of the house... i had spent the 3 hours prior to that meeting his friends and sorting his house out with washing and hoovering etc. I never had an apology for any of these outburts and the next day he gets up and acts like everything is normal.

It all blew up the other night when he got angry because I said i might work from home the following day and could i borrow the car to drive to my place (fifteen mins away). I was told i was selfish and disrespectful. I then called my mum in tears and told her everything...i hadnt said anyhting to anyone at this point. He overheard (i wasnt even trying to be secretive) and understandably went crazy.

Fast forward two days later and he tells me he is sorry and thta he just cant do a full on relationship despite trying and that it hasnt been fair on me and he knows he has treated me badly. this is the first time i had an apology for anything. we then decide to cool things and see each other without staying at each other;s houses everyday. he has barely spoken to me since, in fact i doubt he would have at all if i hadnt messaged.

i have to see him everyday at work until my notice expires in 9 weeks. i want it to be ok until then. how can i deal with this horrible feeling of anger and upset and feeling like i am being totally used, whilst maintaining something between us until i leave work? if i didnt work with him i wouldnt speak to him again but i really struggle to cope with seeing him and just want it to be ok until i dont need to see him anymore. i am really struggling here.

OP posts:
JollyGiraffe · 07/04/2018 09:54

Why do you need to maintain something between you until you leave work??

He's horrendous and there is no excuse for his disgusting treatment towards you.

If he's now not messaging you, great. Don't message him. Block his number. It's over.

Out of interest, what does he say the reason is for his divorce? I reckon that would be pretty telling.

lizzedays · 07/04/2018 09:57

Jolly - i want to maintain it as i am not good with break ups and i know i would fine it almost fine to end it when i dont have to see him everyday. whereas now i would be in a constant mess i think.

he told me she ruined their relationship because of her depression. i read a letter she had written to him where she was begging him to stop giving her silent treatment and stop writing off days in a mood...i wish i had found it at the very start.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2018 09:59

He sounds like hell. Be civil at work and nothing else.

You’ve dodged a bullet. Imagine being married to him!

BastardGoDarkly · 07/04/2018 10:00

It sounds like he's ended it anyway, just leave it at that?

lizzedays · 07/04/2018 10:01

i know. he is awful to me.

part of me wonders if it is my fault...he was in a long term relationship before his ex wife and then managed to get married! maybe it is just me he doesnt want to be nice to.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 07/04/2018 10:02

No, it's not your fault.

Be glad it's ended. Be civil at work and look forward to never seeing him again.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 07/04/2018 10:03

Ask to work from home a lot more, offer to go to meetings away from the office etc or if you have any holidays owed take them?
He is an utter tosspot, block his number and cold civility if you do have to engage at work.

lizzedays · 07/04/2018 10:03

how do i get through 9 weeks though. i feel so sad. i put so much into the relationship and really thought he was different. i dont want to sit next to him for 9 weeks feeling like this. i feel like i cant cope.

OP posts:
lizzedays · 07/04/2018 10:04

i have holidays but hoping to use them to reduce it to 9 weeks...

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 07/04/2018 10:07

How is your fault? He was clearly horrible to his wife, and even he says he's horrible. Believe him.
Just have as little to do with him as possible, no coffees/ lunches, just keep your head down and do your job. Can you take any leave?

lizzedays · 07/04/2018 10:09

i can but wanted to take it at the end so that it reduced the 3 months. i am so unhappy i just cant deal with it all. if i didnt work with him i would be sad but i wouldnt feel trapped like this

OP posts:
ButtMuncher · 07/04/2018 10:09

I'm not someone who usually advocates bringing personal issues into a work environment and needing HR - but in this case, he's being an abusive arsehole and if you have a decent HR department, I'd certainly be having a word with them to see whether you can be moved to another office or given the ability to WFH.

ButtMuncher · 07/04/2018 10:09

(I also work with my DH so I know how hard personal vs professional conflicts can be)

lizzedays · 07/04/2018 10:10

i feel like it is my fault because hes sooo nice at work. pleasant and chatty. youd have no idea what a monster he can be, he even threatened to break my fingers once (i am sure he woudnt follow through though)

OP posts:
lizzedays · 07/04/2018 10:11

buttmuncher - i hadnt thought about speaking to HR. I think i might have to do that on monday, maybe i could say i want to move offices for the remainder of my notice period? the problem with it ia that i personally would have to re locate and live with family for a few weeks

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 07/04/2018 10:12

The situation now is -
your relationship had ended, it wasn't your fault
you have to tolerate a horrible colleague (him)
you have an escape route already lined up - new job, hurrah!
you will be escaping very soon - 9 weeks /2 months isn't so long

Block in your private life
Be civil at work

lizzedays · 07/04/2018 10:12

i'd be willing to do that though... i feel like my life would be weight free again

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 07/04/2018 10:17

He's nice at work? Bonus!

Even if you were "disrespectful" ever, his behaviour was disgusting! It was all his fault, not yours.

numptynuts · 07/04/2018 10:21

He sounds absolutely horrendous. Abusive arsehole has messed with your head and self-esteem, hence why you're feeling like this. Quite deliberate I promise you.

You're better than that OP. Believe in yourself.

lizzedays · 07/04/2018 10:23

i have spent the entire night wondering what i did to make him behave like that. he was just so awful to me. he would literally just ignore me and act as if i wasnt in the room sometimes, and i would be begging him to just tell me what i had done wrong. he would just carry on as normal as if i wasnt there.

im usually a really confident person and in the last week or so i get my words jumbled up when i speak to him, it is like i have excessive nerves or something and i cant think. i dont know why he is like he is, i jsut dont understand. i was horrible to him one evening after being stressed at work and i was so apologetic afterwards, i really wanted to make it up to him. he just isnt genuine at all.

OP posts:
lizzedays · 07/04/2018 10:24

also when he would ignore me and i didnt know what i had done, he would then later tell me what a drama queen i was by crying and begging him to talk. hed say things like "oh here come the waterworks again". i just didnt know what to do.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 07/04/2018 10:39

i have spent the entire night wondering what i did to make him behave like that. he was just so awful to me. You have done NOTHING. This is who he is. If he started treating co-workers like this, he'd be fired. Or thumped.

Typical abusers only hurt the one they profess to "love" ... it's not love, it's control.

Google cycles of abuse. The rage, the apologies, the calm. It's typical.

Cricrichan · 07/04/2018 10:51

It is nothing you have or haven't done. He is toxic, abusive, controlling. He treated his exes the same.

Speak to HR and ask them if you can work.from home or move departments and it's fine if you live at home. Do not speak to him on your own, always have someone with you. He behaves in front of other people who means he knows what he's doing isn't right.

Vangoghsear · 07/04/2018 10:57

Ask your employer to release you early so you don't have to work your notice. They may not agree but it's worth a try. If they do you can offer to start earlier with new employer or just take a break if you can afford to. If you do decide to persevere and work your notice you would be better off ending it now - better to be upset in a job you are leaving than in a new one.

Mxyzptlk · 07/04/2018 11:27

He is toxic, abusive, controlling.

^ This is fact.
Stop thinking of yourself as being in a relationship with this man. He is now your EX, and you are well rid.
The guy at work (the jerk ex) is nothing to do with you. He's just a colleague, like everyone else there.

Perhaps you could do with some counseling to help you have more confidence in yourself?
Also I've seen The Freedom Program mentioned on MN a lot, but don't know anything about it myself. Might be worth looking at?