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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and boundaries with his parents

34 replies

AnotherMIL · 07/04/2018 08:28

I seem to be having some problems with my DP and his family.

Can I just canvas some opinions as to whether it is normal for the father of a 40 odd year old man (my DP) to ask if we ‘still f*ck’.

I’m a bit 😱 about this but my DP thinks it’s normal.

I’m not after any details from others but just wondered what other people thought of how normal my situation is.

OP posts:
justwishiwasnormal · 07/04/2018 08:40

I'd be mortified!!

Archduke · 07/04/2018 08:41

Oh that's grim. How weird.

MimpiDreams · 07/04/2018 08:42

Nope not normal at all. Weird and creepy.

MrsExpo · 07/04/2018 08:44

Tell him to mind his own business. Creepy and unnecessary.

autumnboys · 07/04/2018 08:44

No. A thousand times no. Not appropriate at any age.

Personalsituations99 · 07/04/2018 08:45

Ew!

MissBax · 07/04/2018 08:46

BARF!!!! Absolutely not normal

SweepTheHalls · 07/04/2018 08:46

Vile

newyearoldme · 07/04/2018 08:47

First time I met my ex MIL she tried to gift me a (used) large red butt plug, saying it'll be better than any shag with her son. So yes, totally weird and inappropriate. ConfusedConfusedConfused

Cupoteap · 07/04/2018 08:47

ShockConfusedWine

abbsisspartacus · 07/04/2018 08:47

Umm no not what I would discuss with my parents in fact I would assume dementia if my mom came out with that but we do have a long history of dementia in the family

Hypermice · 07/04/2018 08:48

No. No it is not at all normal

Hypermice · 07/04/2018 08:49

‘Why do you ask?’ Along with a withering glare is a good response.

Or in front of other people the repeat to embarrassment technique... ‘ FIL is asking if we still fuck. Hey auntie Sharon (or whomever is in the room) did you hearxthat FIL is asking if we still fuck. Isn’t that odd.. etc

Archduke · 07/04/2018 08:50

Hypermice, that made me laugh.

Hypermice · 07/04/2018 08:52

It works a treat for any of these little ‘asides’ that awful people use. Just repeat, to everyone present, smiling with an innocent smile until they’re twitching with discomfort.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2018 09:06

No it is not normal at all in any context.

Why are you with your partner at all now, what are you getting out of this relationship?. Your partner is still overtly tied to his mother and their enmeshment is unhealthy. He and his family of origin are all dysfunctional.

user1493413286 · 07/04/2018 09:08

What did your DH say in response? That’s very odd.

GoodStuffToFind · 07/04/2018 09:14

It's offensive. What a vile man.

OnTheRise · 07/04/2018 09:15

That's really inappropriate.

If your partner thinks it's ok then you have problems there, too.

Original poster
AnotherMIL · 07/04/2018 09:32

I’ve just realised my OP could come across as a bit sarcastic. When I said I didn’t want details from others, I just meant that the purpose of my post was to obtain advice and I wasn’t trying to solicit pervy details!

Thanks for the perspectives. Apparently DP answered ‘yeah - course’. Hmm

I just don’t know how I’m going to face his DF knowing that his thoughts are occupied by our sex life at least occasionally.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2018 09:38

Your partner is also very much a part of his family of origin who are also deeply dysfunctional. He as well as they are not for changing here.

There is no law to say that you have to see relations who make you feel uncomfortable. Why set yourself on fire to keep others warm?.

LittleCandle · 07/04/2018 10:14

TBH, I would be wondering about dementia as well. Boundaries often vanish and things that would never have been said pop out.

Or else he's a pervy git.

PsychedelicSheep · 07/04/2018 10:18

Hmm, I can imagine how a parent might ask this but it would have to be in context. For example if he was speaking to his dad about how you weren’t getting on and his dad asked if you were still having sex (it can be a good barometer for the state of a relationship).

But randomly and out of the blue, that’s weird.

TammyWhyNot · 07/04/2018 10:27

He actually used that language?

Original poster
AnotherMIL · 07/04/2018 10:54

As far as I am aware that is the exact language he used. I thought this was a complete wind up on behalf of my DP but he swears not.

OP posts: