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Original poster

I can't stop thinking about him

41 replies

EverythingsDozy · 07/04/2018 08:08

So I met this guy through OLD. We had a few months of texting every day, talking on the phone, and a good few dates. He told me he wasn't sure he was ready to commit, or whether me and him would go anywhere. A few weeks later, he then told me that I was becoming very important to him and he was thinking about me a lot (and the feeling was very mutual). He led me to believe that things were going somewhere and it felt amazing. I have never felt this way about anyone, not even my exH (father to my two DC).
A few weeks after that, after a fairly bad illness (his) where we didn't see each other (but still text every day), he told me he didn't feel strongly enough to continue dating. It devastated me. I can't stop thinking about him. It wasn't a long term thing but he was just amazing. I don't believe in love at first sight or soulmates but things just felt so right with him. I could really picture a future with this guy.
I have tried my hardest to move past it. I'm back on OLD and have been on a few dates, but none of these men compare and when I am with them, he's all I can think about. I don't know what to do. I want to text him and tell him how much I miss him. I want so much for him to message me and tell me he made a mistake.
There is no one I can talk to in RL because no one knows how I felt about him. I don't want him to be "the one that got away".

OP posts:
Caroline680 · 07/04/2018 08:51

He wasn't amazing though, was he? He didn't care enough. Sorry to sound brutal but you need to stop romanticising him as the one that got away - he ran away.

It sounds really painful for you but you need to delete his no!

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 07/04/2018 09:01

I know. I got the "it's not you, it's me" stuff. He had a lot going on in his life (which was true. Moving house, long term illness, potentially moving away temporarily for work). But when we were together, things were amazing. And I believe that, had he not gotten ill and we hadn't have had to cancel dates and still chatted as we were, things would still be amazing.

OP posts:
Caroline680 · 07/04/2018 09:02

When you love someone you want to see them. He didn’t. Sorry m8

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/04/2018 09:07

If I were you I wouldn’t completely believe all the drama supposedly going on in his life. Avoidant strategies.

He wasn’t amazing. He strung you along, played you and no doubt love-bombed you a bit when you were with him (because he likes seeing adoration in his dates eyes, whoever they are at the time)...and then dumped you. He isn’t the one for you. He at no point showed you his real self.

The non-committal behaviour creates addiction in others: the ‘will I won’t I’ created a situation where you got hooked. It’s an illusion.

Give it time, you’ll come to see it all more clearly.

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 07/04/2018 09:15

While I agree with the fact he strung me along, I genuinely believed him when he said he has a lot on. He is a nice guy. And, I know that if he felt something more then he would still be seeing me (I've seen He's Just Not That Into You, I know these things! Ha!) but I just feel so utterly hopeless about it. I need a way to move past it. OLD is not that helpful.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 07/04/2018 09:30

He told you he wasn't ready to commit or that you two would go anywhere. Then he changed his mind for only a few weeks but then after some stuff happening to him he realised that he had been right and his feelings for you weren't strong enough.

Carouselfish · 08/04/2018 01:40

Remember that at least 50% of what you were into about him was in your imagination, picturing a future together, imagining his past as he told it to you, imagining how you looked to the outside world, imagining how you'd get on with each other's friends and families, even imagining his qualities because at that early stage all you have to go on is him on best behaviour and what he tells you.

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 08/04/2018 10:47

I guess so. I just wasn't ready to part company, and it hurts.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 08/04/2018 10:51

Of course it will. But he wasnt really a nice guy if you look at it objectively. Im curious about whether anything physical changed from him sayin he didnt want commitment, to saying he did?

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 08/04/2018 10:52

What do you mean?

OP posts:
category12 · 08/04/2018 11:08

I honestly think there's a strategy guide written somewhere these guys are using. Start off saying some variant of "I'm not ready for a relationship" then act like you're falling in love, love bomb the shit of the target, then go cold. Then rinse, repeat.

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 08/04/2018 11:19

Yes!!! That's exactly it!
He told me when we first started dating that he wasn't sure if the connection he felt was platonic or romantic but we should see where it was going.
We went on a date about a week later where we went on a walk on the prom where there was a bit of litter on the floor. He said "this isn't the romantic stroll I was hoping for...". I pulled him up on it! "Romantic??" And he was like "yeah, do you mind?". Err, no, I don't mind because I fancy the pants off you! Then I was becoming very important to him.
Then nothing.

OP posts:
StarlightSparkle · 08/04/2018 11:26

If someone meets someone they really like they will make time for them even if they have a ‘lot on.’ It’s not often a person meets someone they really, really like, so why would they let them get away? The fact he did shows his feelings just weren’t that strong. I don’t think being ill, etc has anything to do with it.

It hurts but you need to try and move on and not waste any more time or energy on him.

PrettyLittIeThing · 08/04/2018 11:34

Tbh these threads pop up constantly. Man tells woman he likes her but isn't ready for a relationship, says the right things to keep her hanging around the surprise surprise when he's had enough goes back to "well I did say I wasn't ready for a relationship so it's over."

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 08/04/2018 11:38

Oh god, that's exactly what I got!! "I did say that if anything changes I'll let you know". Which he did. After he led me to believe it was something more.
I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 08/04/2018 11:42

He absolutely wasn’t a nice guy. I had a relationship with a guy like this. A persona of an all round good guy, seemed very open and honest. Seemed into me as I was into him. After the inevitable ‘you deserve better’ and ‘I don’t know how to be in a relationship’ bullshit, I went NC. That slowly actually allowed my rose tinted specs to fall off and see what a cowardly, emotionally immature mummy’s boy he actually was. You’re best off out of it. Don’t romanticise him. That’s not real. Real is the man who dumped you and doesn’t deserve you

Addictedtohavingbabies · 08/04/2018 11:48

OP I could have written your post myself about a guy I met on onlime dating about 2 years ago. It left me so upset at the time and took me months to get him out my head. He said all the same things yours did.
Eventually I met someone else and I'm glad it never worked out with the first guy as my man now is everything I've ever wanted and we're more compatible than me and the other guy. I look back and can't believe I let myself feel that low over a guy like that.
It will take you a while to get him out your head as he dropped you with no real explanation after all the false promises.
Remember that actions speak louder than words, and it's what he actually does that counts, not what he's heen saying to you, leading you on. He's given you aa false image of himself and its not his real self.
This experience on OLD seems very common and I hear this story so many times. It's a certain type of guy that can't make his mind up and may have commitment issues. You're better avoiding this kind of guy. When you meet the right man, there will be no doubt in your mind that everuthing is as it should be, and the feelings will be equal on both sides.
Sorry for the essay, I just wanted to let you know that you WILL get over him.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/04/2018 11:56

I agree with the others. He duped you. He really wasn’t as having a good time as you believed or he did not see a long term future with you and so he cut his losses.

It was very sensible for him to do that.

swingofthings · 08/04/2018 12:10

My OH best friend was like that. He is not a bad guy in any way, but he just couldn't find the perfect person for him. He would meet someone, not love at first sight but like some of the things, then decide that because she wasn't perfect, he should end it but then think that he would never meet someone acting like this, so would give it a chance, focus on the things they'd have in common, what he really liked about her until something would happen to make him decide that he couldn't move the part that were not right and decide there was no point in continuing.

It's not nice for the person involved, but it wasn't a case of him being manipulative, he really wanted to make it work, but for some people, if it's not love at first sight from the start and everything falling into place, it just is never going to work.

I fell in love with someone I met online and was gutted when the same thing happened (in his case, it turned out he had never managed to get over his ex). I continued dating but no-one made me feel like he did.... until I met my OH. We clicked right away, but I feared I wouldn't feel the attraction as I was taken on by his picture at all... but we met and he looked totally different in real life and it was the start of our life together. My OH has so much more to offer than this other man and I'm so glad he ditched me!

meowimacat · 08/04/2018 12:29

Hun you are not alone in this. Sadly I am just coming out of a similar thing. However I was the initial cautious one, not really ready to date, I fancied him but wasn't blown away initially. However I gave him a chance, he treated me like I was amazing, acted really interested in my life and my kids (never introduced), even bought me gifts all the time. We spent New Years and Valentines together. 4 months in and I finally plucked up the courage to ask where things were heading, as he was acting like my boyfriend. I get the "I don't want the title" line and how he has commitment issues.

Don't feel stupid for it, I don't feel stupid for giving my all to someone I thought cared about me too. However just let this be a lesson. My guy lived 10 minutes from me and how much effort did he make to see me? Not enough. Actions speak a lot more than words. Mine still gave me lots of actions, bought me gifts, text me a lot. But trust your gut, and also don't trust them too easily. Don't always take them for who they say they are until they have shown themselves to be that.

I think the problem is, these guys aren't necessarily bad people, which is why it's hard to forget them. There's a line that says 'whoever loves less, wins' and that's so true. But don't let it put you off. Get back online, there are a million frogs but there are some princes out there, we just gotta find them x

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 08/04/2018 12:33

Whoever loves less, wins.
Wow. That's so heartbreakingly cynical but so so true.
I always love more. I don't know whether it's because I'm lonely and desperate, or because I'm just glad of the attention, or because I feel that I don't deserve love, or because I just fall easily. But I always do. I don't know how to break that pattern. I don't want to settle for someone who I'm not that interested in because he loves me more.

OP posts:
Addictedtohavingbabies · 08/04/2018 13:33

It will happen OP. Continue to date and but don't look too much into things. It could happen straight away, it could take a while but you will find someone you click with and it will fall into place. I was a single mum to 3 and after that happened with the man from OLD, I thought that's it, there's no one out there for me.
But 6 months later I met the man of my dreams, we had a baby and got engaged pretty fast. I never saw it coming, but it did.

MistressDeeCee · 08/04/2018 14:59

"Not sure" he wanted to commit was the point at which you should have backed away OP. Grown men know their own mind, they use this so boringly common line to keep you hanging on whilst they dither whether to choose you, or the other woman they've met.

You met on OLD so presumably he was seeing others too. Nothing wrong with that, as presumably you'd not had the "exclusive" talk had you?

I'd say keep on with the OLD. Its fine as long as you've interests in your life and the focus isn't on having a man as your be all and end all.

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 08/04/2018 16:22

We had had the exclusivity talk but not the commitment talk. We were exclusively dating each other, but he wouldn't commit to boyfriend/girlfriend type thing.
I had an STI check that has all come back clear. I know that means nothing but at least I know I haven't caught anything off him.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 08/04/2018 16:43

A lot of this behaviour is definitely the OLD 'sweetshop' mentality. As pps have said - depressingly common.

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