How to call out a bully?

[lolaflores]

Or is there any point?
My youngest sister has conducted a bullying campaign down the years against which I have done little to push back against as it often seemed that no one supported me.
Once, my other sister mentioned she thought there had been bullying going on but that has been about the height of the acknolwedgent of it within my family.
Recently, she has been actively excluding me and my children from events, to such a degree that to ignore it would seem insane on my part ie. don't say anything, act like nothing happned because it is so explicit.
HOwever, I know that by going NC, she is going to go bananas at some point and see my silence as provocation.
In the not too distant future, the lid is going to blow on this and I know things will be twisted into my fault, something I have done....though I cannot work out quite what I have done.
Whilst this head of steam is being developed elsewhere, how can I avoid being the sacraficial victim at the end of the day.
This has all happened before, I don't want the same outcome as previously. I am sick of this. It has ruined my mental health, it is impacting on my marriage, my sanity, my perception of reality. I feel sick waiting for the phone call that will prompt WWIII.
Any suggestions gratefully accepted.

And do the rest of your family not query why you are being excluded at family events?

No.
When I was not invited to sisters birthday party a few weeks ago I asked my mother about it and she got flustered and said sisters DH organised it. My cousins, my other sister and mutual friends were there.
I asked my other sister why myself and my children had not been included on an easter event and she said she thought younger sister had told me about it.
No one seems to want to give me answers.
My younger sister thanked me for my birthday gift on the day of her birthday then posted pictures of herself, our family and friends the next day on FB....

In which case your Mum and siblings really need to be standing up for you.

Unless there’s a back story about why you aren’t being invited.

Seems like no one wants you to "make a fuss", most likely because it's easier for them to pretend everything is lovely, even when you're not there because you haven't been invited.

With someone like that it won't matter how you handle it. You'll be blamed and drama will be stirred.

In the end your mental health will suffer more from trying to carry on with it than putting up with the drama afterwards.

Go with what makes you feel better, deal with difficulties as they arise. Your sister will cause problems, ignore it as much as possible.

Being free in the end is better than this death by a thousand cuts.

And bear in mind your sister has no issue in making you suffer, either by ignoring or bullying. That's not something worth keeping.

Thistlebelle, if there was a back story to the non invite, it would help make some sense. But there is no reason, that is apparent to me, as to why she didn't want to invite me. No rows, no falling outs. etc.

she made a fuss about who gave the speech at my wedding. my DF died when we were all young. My brother said he would then she kicked off, I said OK you do it. She then got pissed during the meal and gave the speech slurring and swaying.
I had a blessing for our wedding in our church. That evening I was having a ciggie in the garden with a friend and I said to her what a nice day I'd had and my sister over heard me and went balistic.
How dare you say that in front of me? then stormed off.
The list is fucking endless.
If I go NC with her, then it has to include the rest of them.
Our kids love each other and I don't want to spoil that but it seems like this madness can't go on

This used to happen to me, I walked away from it all. Some families like to have a scapegoat, some are scared of the bully and would rather someone else, you, be the punchbag than them, some are just vindictive. No one is standing up for you so they are as bad as the bully. Leave them to it and find nicer people to spend time with.

It’s very strange it must be very upsetting.

Have you actually sat down with your Mum and explained how much this hurts you, both that you are excluded and that your family don’t stick up for you?

It doesn’t need to be an angry/shouty/accusatory type conversation just “this upsets me and this is how I feel”.

Why would you have to go NC with the rest of the family? Couldn't you still arrange to see them, or is your sister going to cause a huge drama so that the rest of the family feel they have to take sides?

Ultimately, if you are not going to get any support from your wider family then you might have to go NC, or at least very LC, for the sake of your own mental health.

I think qwerty has it spot on - you are not going to change the family dynamics, certainly nothing will be gained by trying to clear the air. Either accept it for the sake of keeping in touch with the rest of the family or decide that none of them are really worth the heartache and cut your losses but keep your sanity.

Thistlebelle, as a rational adult, I have tried rational approaches with them but, it ends up as it all being a figment of my imagination and I probably deserve it anyway.
What I am hoping to do is avoid the toxic back wash that is going to happen at some point when younger sister decides she needs to vent because she is feeling uncomfortable about herself.

As I see it, the bias is not towards myself.
I feel humiliat4ed and it has happened once too often. My mother has been nearly silent and I have heard not a single word from other sister. It feels like the right time to just let the lines drop completely.
Let it all drift away.
Easy as that.

Why do you care so much about will happen in the future ?? Your stressing out about stuff that has not even happened.

At some point you have to accept (even though it’s shit) you’ve been pushed out and no one is willing to stand up for you - so accept it and walk away.

You will literally make your self Ill trying to figure out why and to counter act situations.

Honestly fuck them all. There is no loyalty coming from them to you so stop investing emotions in to the relationship.

I’ve bedn NC with my mother for 18 years. After the first few weeks/months of guilt it was totally liberating. You will soon gather your strength back and see what a bunch of twats they are

I’m very sorry to hear that Lola if you have tried everything then it may indeed be time to minimise your exposure to this kind of bullying.

Why haven't you oi got a family what's app group to arrange stuff? Test the water so to speak?

It does appear she doesn't want tobyou there for her own reasons and I'd just shrug it off and ignore her - the others are silently complying with her wishes - leave them too or

Quietlife the next foot to fall in the usual scheme of things is for Younger Sis to create a drama of some description and she gets to feel better about herself.
I have spent a lot of time trying to have a good to normal (sort of) relationship with my family but I have run out of reasons to do that anymore.

Your whole family are complicit in this, which is sad. Everyone is scared of your sister because they don't want to be on the receiving end.

Honestly, I would cut ties with them, at least until they acknowledge what's going on, and if they don't it's no great loss when you risk your MH.

How about setting up a group WhatsApp and posting a well crafted message telling them all how you feel about the behaviour and exclusion, how unfair it is for your DC and how you won't be letting it get to you any more as you won't be involving yourself in their dramas. That way you are confronting them all at the same time and they can either feel ashamed and act on it, or more likely feel ashamed but somehow blame you without ever shaking off the feeling they have hurt you.

And don't let the thought that it's bad to cut them out of your life put them off. They are cutting you out of their lives by going along with your sister and attending parties you aren't invited to. You aren't creating any of this.

*put you off

None of this is your fault. You didn't choose not to be invited, nor have you chosen the countless other hurtful things they have done.

Your family have continued to behave like this because, up to now, you have allowed them to.

I am in the same position. It is not easy to go no contact, but I don't see what choice you have? They can't keep behaving badly and expecting you to continue to swallow the pain and continue for decades and decades. Why would anyone honestly put up with that??? It isn't family love, it isn't respectful, it is abusive and messed up.

Don't expect them to take this quietly, you will hear all sorts of drama how you are upsetting everyone and causing problems in the family. No one wants to lose their punchbag, who will replace you and who will they blame when you are not there?

Be kind (for your own sake not theirs) be honest and be your own best friend for once. Would you let someone treat your child like this? What would your advice be if this was happening to someone you loved? Take your own advice, and spend time with people that truly care for you

We do have a whatsapp group as it happens but I don't feel strong enough to send a message. right now I don't trust myself to make a sensible message. One that doesn't sound paranoid and childish because thats what the response will be.
As you say Mumhomealone, I have been made to feel that I am source of the problem and that they are cutting me out but I have not been given any reason for it.
Why do I have this sense of shame at not wanting to continue in a relationship that is so harmful and when I have been given every signal I am not wanted/needed/respected?
I have to let go because I can't go on feeling like this.

I have the same sense of shame, I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to turn this around. You can't change other people lola

You can only change your reaction to their actions (with indifference)

I am truly sorry you are going through this, it is so hurtful and so difficult to talk about to other people in RL.

You are likely to feel the entire spectrum of guilt and fear of losing them as well. But you don't actually have anything to lose, they don't care about you anyway! If they did they wouldn't hurt you like they do.

No need to whatsapp them just become completely unavailable on a permanent basis.

Have celebrations but just invite your friends, have dinners with the other side of your family, refuse all invitations from them and just send birthday cards in vouchers (if you still want to) You don't need to cause any kind of upset, you simply fall off the radar.

You become very very very busy living your own life.

rocketgirl22 the bit about them not taking it quietly is the next hump in the road that will turn up round about my nephews birthday and my daughters birthday which fall within a week of each other.
I will send a low key gift/amazon vouchers. I am not going to set up any brithday events for the family. That will be the blue touch paper for her because she always needs to be the super aunty who showers attention on members. Does parties etc. cake etc.....mad carry on.
I don't want to normalize any of that anymore but she will not want to lose out on her moment
She insists on Christmas at hers. We have tried to decline in previous years but there is sooooooooo much pressure to go to the point that I went, despite saying I was unwell, and was hospitalized with pneumonia on Boxing Day.

This is major levels of toxic family isn't it?

I have being where you are op and it’s hard and it hurts but when I finally made the decision to remove myself from it all I honestly became a different person.
My marriage is better, my mental health is better, my mood is better, I am generally a much nicer person because I now am surrounded by people who love me and appreciate me.
I was the scapegoat and could do no right. I have lost all my family except one brother, I have lost cousins, aunts, uncles, everyone because they all believed the lies and I have realized I was the scapegoat for the whole family.
But it was the best decision I have ever made. I am a happier, more relaxed, stronger person. I refuse to communicate at all with any of them and now it’s being a year and a half and the flying monkeys have stopped.
If you have decided that enough is enough then walk away with your head held high because you do not want your children to notice, I left it too late, my children could see what was happening probably before I could and it hurts them that they were not as important as other children in the family because they had me for their mother.

Our Dad died when we were all very young. I was 9. Since then the thought of losing anything is too much for me but in this instance, the loss has to be cathartic. We are none of us any use to one another. Its not normal.

It was actually my sisters death that made me finally decide that enough was enough. Because life is too short to surround yourself with people who don’t love or appreciate you.

Mawi, thats exactly what I am scared of. I don't want my girls to see that there is a yawning gap between in the treatment they received compared to their cousins and the reason for them being second class is because I am their mother. Nothing else.
If I can't do it for myself, do it for them.
It is hard to explain to people that your family, for whatever reason, are so profoundly horrible. My best friend has witnessed my sister do some of her stuff and she said to me, "IF I hadn't seen it and heard it with my own eyes and ears, I would have dound it hard to believe. Your sister is such a nice person..."
Its the sort of stuff you hear people say leaving abusive partners.
We had no idea.
But he/she seemed so nice.