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Relationships

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Original poster

DH made an OLD profile

29 replies

recklesslove · 06/04/2018 08:40

We are in the very early stages of discussing our marital issues. 10 years married, 2 kids. We have talked about the possibility of splitting up but I am also very heavily pushing the idea that we can work through our issues. Counselling and talking to close friends has been rejected by him. He doesn’t seem to want to do anything to change. And now he has an online dating profile.

Please give me your opinions. Writing it down it seems pretty clear but I also need to hear it from others! Is there any hope?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 06/04/2018 08:47

No. He's already checked out and is not willing to work on it even though you might be. Take control. Book a solicitor's appointment, make sure you have copies of most recent bank statements, then tell your husband that you're happy to give him what he wants - out of the marriage, and show him the door.

NotTheFordType · 06/04/2018 08:47

I'm very sorry but it sounds like he's already decided to leave and he's hoping to get a new woman lined up ready and waiting.

How did you find out? Do you have access to log into the account and see if he's send messages?

coffeecoffeemorecoffee · 06/04/2018 08:48

Kick his arse out. You want to work on things, he clearly doesn't, if he wants to do online dating tell him to fuck off and do it elsewhere.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/04/2018 08:49

He is certainly not on the same page as you is he?

Have you asked him what he's hoping to get out of OLD?

MiniTheMinx · 06/04/2018 08:49

Well there might be some hope, it's a very subjective thing, do you feel hopeful?

Probably not, and neither would I. He is already behaving as though the marriage was over, and although desperate people do desperately stupid things, I would take his actions at face value. Plus, I think once these men get hooked on online dating, they are apt to go back to it every time you hit a bump, or even continue to look whilst trying to hide it.

AuntieStella · 06/04/2018 08:52

Talk to a counsellor and your closest friends individually and whenever you want.

The creation of an OLD profile is the next step along from refusing to talk to you, and shows he wants to talk but to other people.

It must hurt like hell, to realise he's on the point of moving on when you haven't quite split up yet and you were still hoping to find a way ahead as a couple.

I'm not sure giving it one last chance would make any difference, but it might be important for you later to know that you tried, even when it was reaching hopeless.

Doublevodka · 06/04/2018 08:52

Counselling and talking is being rejected by him and he has an OLD profile. He's moving on. Sorry OP. Don't waste your time. You need to look after yourself now.

Purplerain101 · 06/04/2018 08:53

I think it’s clear he wants to meet someone else and isn’t interested in sorting the relationship out. I’ve been in a similar situation and it was heartbreaking. I think once it gets to the stage where he’s actively looking for other women online, the relationship is doomed. I think the more you try to fight it and cling onto it the worse you’re going to feel. Split up, take some time for yourself, and then hopefully meet someone further down the line who you can be truly happy with

AnyFucker · 06/04/2018 08:56

That horse has bolted, love. He's not interested in you except in your housekeeping skills until he finds what he thinks is a better offer

Save your energy (and dignity) for planning how to get the best for you out of your split. He's already gone.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/04/2018 09:03

Get him gone. The first hint of real problems in your marriage and he's already behaving like the sweetshop door is swinging open for him.

Let it bang him on the arse as it slams shut (honestly, what man seriously thinks women are going to be falling over themselves to date a man who's still married?) and separate. He's never going to be serious about fixing your issues while he thinks he's got a chance to shag around.

isthismylifenow · 06/04/2018 09:09

Bloody hell, how low can you go......does he know you have seen the profile?

Well, he isn't giving the relationship a fair chance is he. I think just that one bit of information, says it all really.

Sorry OP.

Shoxfordian · 06/04/2018 09:17

He's not interested in fixing anything with you. Call the solicitor op

Flowerfairs · 06/04/2018 12:17

He's gone. Move on. He has checked out and even if you chase him you will be setting yourself up for more stress and delaying the inevitable.

yetmorecrap · 06/04/2018 12:49

Ok, print that one off, get one set up yourself on same site and see how he feels when he spies you/matches with you, , even if he has ‘checked out’ it may be a nice ego boost for you!! In the meantime consult lawyer, get ducks in a row etc, I’m sorry I would do it just to piss him off because the minute someone does that to me, they are toast.

Original poster

recklesslove · 06/04/2018 15:13

I know because I looked at his internet history. I’m not in the habit of doing it. I don’t know why I looked really. I had a quick look at his messages first to see if he’d confided in a friend about what we’ve talked about recently (he hadn’t). The account isn’t active and there’s no picture but he had been looking at other girls profiles. He’d also googled ‘casual sex in OurTown’ and ‘escorts in OurTown’. I don’t think for a minute that he’s done anything... but he’s certainly thinking about it.

I’m going to keep the screenshots I have and bide my time until I’m ready to have it out with him. Ideally once I’ve taken some advice.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 15:17

He's not interesting in working on the marriage.

I don't even know if I'd be bothered letting him know about the profiles. I'd start talking divorce (and mean it) and I'm sure he'll begin to backpedal.

When only one person wants to work on the marriage... it's more than an uphill battle.

mistermagpie · 06/04/2018 15:20

I'm sorry to say it's over. There is probably no point even tackling the fact that he is planning to cheat (if he hasn't already), he's clearly completely checked out of the relationship and wouldn't even care - he isn't even covering his tracks, the bastard.

See a solicitor and start taking things forward to protect yourself when you split. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

mistermagpie · 06/04/2018 15:21

'Escorts' as well, ugh.

Ryder63 · 06/04/2018 15:31

So he's browsing other women on dating sites, and looking for casual sex and escorts - while you're "very heavily pushing the idea that we can work through our issues". Wasted effort, OP. Be brave, take control and get legal advice. Please don't have sex with him in a desperate attempt to 'keep' him. As pps have said - he's gone already

CaledonianQueen · 06/04/2018 16:13

'Escorts' says it all, I wouldn't be surprised if he has used them during your relationship and in the past too. That would be the absolute end for me! I could not be with a man who whilst still married to me was searching for prostitutes. In fact, I couldn't be with a man who had ever used or thought it was acceptable to use prostitutes full stop!

You deserve so much better! Chuck him out and tell him you want to divorce his cheating ass!

PrizeOik · 06/04/2018 16:52

Why would you "have it out" with him?

What is there to talk about? What would the goal of the conversation even be?

Surely it's better to calmly accept in your own mind that it's over. And begin taking your own steps to end things?

yetmorecrap · 06/04/2018 16:57

OP. The minute anyone is doing this, they really aren't worth your time or effort--even if they were only 'browsing'. Decent guys worth having in my opinion just don't go browsing for escorts or hook ups etc or creating profiles so they can have a look whats 'out there on the market'. Clearly 'everything' is about sex for this guy. Its very very hard mentally when you have such a lot of time invested in the relationship and children to think of but seriously, you imagine a friend saying this to you about her H. You would Im sure be telling her to see a lawyer on the quiet, mentally check out the relationship herself whilst getting ducks in a row ,check out all her rights before slinging his arse out the door.

yetmorecrap · 06/04/2018 16:59

Also Make sure you have access to all the bank stuff etc too, photocopy statements, make sure you know account details and don't disclose anything at all before making sure you have enough cash to get by personally for the immediate time being. Horrible having to be like that, but some guys turn into complete shits the minute they realise they are rumbled.

Timefortea99 · 06/04/2018 17:06

Echo the advice about getting the paperwork together before instigating anything. He is a louse, just the fact he has been trawling for prostitutes would end it for me.

Thistlebelle · 06/04/2018 17:10

Counselling and talking to close friends has been rejected by him. He doesn’t seem to want to do anything to change. And now he has an online dating profile.

That’s clear as clear could be.

Get yourself a lawyer.

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