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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Waste of time?

28 replies

perkyblender · 06/04/2018 02:35

First time poster but long time lurker.
Hoping for any advice at all really

Met a similar minded, hilarious guy for the first time earlier this week. We met on tinder, both early 20s. We did sleep together. Had a great time however he has admitted that he’s “shy” and not used to “clingy” people - we text several times a day and have done for 4 weeks prior to meeting up. Even though I really like him I find it difficult to understand what he wants - example the other night he text me saying he knows I like him and he’s not wasting my time, like a reassurance of some kind. But then he won’t message back often/reply. I just don’t know, was the saying he’s not “used to clingy people” basically I won’t always reply and need space or what? I’m not an obsessive texter by any means. I just feel a bit like he blows hot and cold sometimes. It’d be a shame because I really like him. I’m sorry this sounds pathetic! Just can’t stop thinking about him, or sleep! Envy

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 06/04/2018 02:49

If you're having to chase after him all the time then yes you are wasting your time. If he was really interested in pursuing a relationship he would be keen and not effectively telling you to back off. Although it is early days and maybe he just feels it's too much too soon. Leave the ball in his court, see if he comes to you and if not leave it.

Original poster
perkyblender · 06/04/2018 02:52

Thank you for replying Oyster
I think the hardest part is resisting the urge to text him Blush I just love talking to him! Think I’ll try going cold turkey today/tomorrow and if he makes no effort I guess that tells me all I need to know. I am clingy I suppose as I’ve been hurt badly in the past and need reassurance. Blah.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 06/04/2018 03:29

Sounds like you are over invested as this is very very new. Cold turkey plan sounds healthy

PrimalLady · 06/04/2018 05:54

Yeah just cut down the texts and see if he makes the effort. I get into this habit and the person I'm seeing isn't a big texter he just replies cause he feels rude if he doesn't. I started feeling like I was chasing too much and laid off the texts and he just rings me instead now. So if he's interested he will make the effort.

I have to say since I did this I realise how much texting can kill things. I think what a lot of people do is spend all day talking about their day as it happens and then have nothing to talk about in person.

FaithEverPresent · 06/04/2018 06:00

I reckon his ‘not used to clingy people’ is his get-out clause! He wants to keep his options open.

Honestly? I don’t think he’s the bloke for you. I was clingy in a previous relationship - the more he withdrew, the clingier I became! When I met (my now) DH, it was totally different. He was honest and supportive and I didn’t need to be clingy because I knew I could trust him. Try to move on from this guy, he’s never going to give you what you want.

disappearingninepatch · 06/04/2018 06:09

"Not used to clingy people"? I think you've found yourself a game player. Cold turkey is a good plan. I wouldn't be interested in pursuing this.

DumbleDee · 06/04/2018 06:56

It's been a week!! You've had 1 date?

Back off a bit and see what happens.

I don't like clingy people btw and I'm not a "player' just like my space time and independence.

minmooch · 06/04/2018 07:08

Yep - a waste of your time I'm afraid. One date in and he's telling you to back off! Either you are sending way too many texts or he's giving himself an 'out' already. Either way it shouldn't be this hard.

userabcname · 06/04/2018 07:20

Sounds as though he is after something more casual than what you want. I would back off and wait to see if he made another move. Give him a week and if you don't hear anything, move on.

Original poster
perkyblender · 06/04/2018 07:49

Thanks everyone, will back off and let you know if I get anywhere with him. I’ll report back!

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 08/04/2018 16:43

How are you getting on?

Gemini69 · 08/04/2018 16:58

he's a Player Flowers don't get too attached.. he's not hanging around

GeekyWombat · 08/04/2018 17:04

Crikey, after a week he seems keen to keep your expectations low!

Springiscoming123 · 08/04/2018 17:13

any news op?

trojanpony · 08/04/2018 17:19

If you feel he is blowing hit and cold it’s because he is.
From where I’m standing this sounds like a load of old bullshit... I don’t like “clingy” people and I’m so shyyyyyy. Please put up with my flakiness Envy (not envy)

There are a load of game players on tinder some intentional some unintentional. The latter are the ones that pissed me off most as they really thought there were “good guys” despite behaving like asshats.

If he really liked you he’d be consistent and he’d be replying to texts promptly and trying to be witty and looking to line up more dates.

Cut the texts right back...
Set up a few other first dates to stop fixating in it (and by first dates I mean a few drinks and chat and maybe a snog at the end of the night if you really fancy them.)
Stop sleeping with people on first dates. Like a lot of women you don’t sound like you can detach emotionally. It’s not good for you

FWIW 4 weeks of texting is too long. I used to get some info to check their identity, a bit of banter then a first date. Timeline for that is generally 4-10days

TM71 · 08/04/2018 17:20

He sounds like thentypenof guy who will only contact when horny. But hem again you did meet on tinder do not set your hopes up high you are only going to be disappointed. Sorry if it is not what you want to hear.

Original poster
perkyblender · 09/04/2018 08:26

Update - so I decided to delete his number as I am clingy and this has helped me to stop initiating conversions. He still does text me but I am short with replies. I’m a bit gutted, I know you’re all right but I wear my heart on my sleeve a bit and naively thought this guy could be different. There are days where I’ve been ignoring him but he does end up texting again - is he just bored or trying to keep my attention on him?! Feeling indifferent at the moment. I’m stupid. Thanks for all replies folks

OP posts:
Original poster
perkyblender · 09/04/2018 08:29

Conversations*

OP posts:
EweDoEwe · 09/04/2018 08:34

One date in and you’re feeling like crap.

Bin him.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 09/04/2018 08:53

I don't see what the issue is here you were texting, you met and then you were texting again.
I don't like clingy people, it doesn't mean I'm a player. It busy means I have a life, things to do and don't always have the energy or want to spend my days continuously replying to text messages.
I enjoy my space and someone who was texting me all day, demanding my time would piss me of.
I. Not sure why him saying this has led to a thread, a lot of over thinking and a game plan to now start ignoring him.
If you think he is playing you or blowing hot and cold then there maybe some truth behind those feelings. So if that's how you feel end it and stop contact, don't play games. From his POV you are now blowing hot and cold too and being quite rude by ignoring him.
It doesn't have to be this hard op

meowimacat · 09/04/2018 09:59

You need to not put all your eggs in one basket, because I assure you he is still on Tinder and out there meeting other people.
If you've had one date and slept with him already, then you are probably feeling clingy because you feel close to him since you slept together.
A man on the other hand doesn't feel this closeness, and is happy to now continue meeting other women and doing the same with them.

Don't over invest yourself in someone who isn't with you. Plenty of dating videos online that can help you, seems like you need to work on some insecurities a bit too and hold out before giving your all (sex) to a date or you'll be seen as just that - as sadly I have experienced too.

Original poster
perkyblender · 09/04/2018 10:22

Alittlebitconfused - when he texts me it’s mainly about himself for example he said yesterday “he felt unwell” (was drinking the night before) and then he sent me a picture of his new trainers.. it’s never how are you? What you up to etc. It’s quite one way and revolves around him. I don’t think I’m being rude when he seems more concerned with himself. He’s told me he’s only ever been in two relationships both long term 3/5 years.

I will distance myself and as pp said he might make more of an effort, taking more interest in me instead of just himself. If he doesn’t then I suppose it’s a lesson learnt!

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 09/04/2018 12:56

Jeeeeeeeeez you're acting completely nutty OP. This is text obsession and it probably kills off about half of all promising new beginnings. Why are you doing it? You're 100% self sabotaging this and anyone who says different probably does the same themselves. If you like this guy pick up the phone and call him?!

letsdolunch321 · 09/04/2018 13:11

IMO perky the guy is looking for an ego boost. If he is always mentioning himself when texting you, I would give him a wide berth - Obviously he is very self centred.

Be kind to yourself op - when you feel like texting him - count to 20 before doing so, in these 20 seconds another thought of something you should be doing should divert you from texting him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 13:20

I have a rule of thumb with new people. The thing they say they won't do, is exactly the thing they will do.

"I'd never cheat on you / hit you / lie to you / waste your time".

Oh yes they will. These are things normal people would never say to each other.

Saying it means it is a thing they would consider being quite normal to do but they've decided not to do it to you. For now.