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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said it’s over

37 replies

FeelingSad2018 · 05/04/2018 23:25

So tonight my DP of 2 1/2 years (lived together for nearly 2 years) has told me that “things aren’t the same anymore”, “he doesn’t know what he wants to do”, “he wants to break up” and he “still loves me”.

I’m gutted as I thought things were going well, we’re always talking about the future and when we’ll get married, have kids, etc.

For context, he is being made redundant and doesn’t know he wants to do with his life. He left uni three years ago and has admitted to “struggling with grown up life” and adapting to living away from his friends. He’s previously struggled with depression and taken medication for it and mentioned a few months ago that he thought he was getting depressed again.

I think he’s having a quarter-life crisis and have asked him to not make any decisions before his job situation is sorted out (should be a few weeks)

He said that by talking to me he feels a weight has been lifted and can only see breaking up as the way forward.

What do I do? How do I get through everything if we do break up? We’ve gone to bed as usual tonight, had a cuddle and he told me he loves me.

OP posts:
user1467232073 · 05/04/2018 23:31

Sorry, it seems to be all about him. What about you? Has there been problems in the relationship that you were aware of? If he is saying this, you may be better off cutting your losses instead of wasting further time

Original poster
FeelingSad2018 · 05/04/2018 23:36

I love him and want to be with him, but above everything I want him to be happy. We had a bit of a rough time about a year ago (no-one cheated, just bickering and arguing) but we got through it and I thought cane out stronger.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad2018 · 06/04/2018 06:13

Does anyone else have advice on what I should say to him or do? I’ve had less than an hour sleep last night as I just feel so sick and worried.

OP posts:
rumred · 06/04/2018 07:13

You could consider couple counselling if you believe it's salvageable. But you need to look at his behaviour and also consider whether he is seeing someone else. It's sadly too common.
Do you really want to be with someone who struggles to be adult? That sounds unattractive and selfish to me.
Talk to your friends for support and different perspectives
It's vile going through something like this, my sympathies are with you, be kind to yourself

mummmy2017 · 06/04/2018 07:24

Let him go.
Agree to what he wants and call him on it.
The only way you can move forward is this. Otherwise you will spend time in a no man's land where he calls al the shots....
You may find once you agree and he sees a reality of life without you in it is not the dream land he thinks it is. Or you may find that in accepting you move on to something new and better yourself, but either way you won't be in this no man's land he has created.

trojanpony · 06/04/2018 07:27

I went through a similar thing years ago.

He wasn’t into “adulting”
We had amazing fun but I build all my future plans around him.

One day he announces He... didn’t know what he wants but he didn’t want to “sell out to the man”. He quit his job, was listless and depressed... and eventually we broke up.
Everyone was shocked as we “were such a good couple”.

We tried to reconcile and During this time I thought about what I wanted...which was to progress my career, get a nice place, go on nice holidays.

It didn’t work out as we wanted fundamentally different things.

He ended up back at home living in his parents basement “finding himself”.
He then did another degree ( so two BAs and MA in nothing useful all funded by daddy dearest) then went to work for a charity and is still saving the animals as far as I know.
With hindsight we weren’t compatible long term but I couldn’t see that at the time
I progressed my career, got a nice place, go on nice holidays and (eventually) found a new BF. Grin

What do you want? Other than him back?

My advice:
Try and get sleep and eat well.
Avoid alcohol
Avoid trying to “win him back”
focus on yourself and working out what you want from life (other than “him back”) and start making your own plans

swingofthings · 06/04/2018 07:51

He said that by talking to me he feels a weight has been lifted and can only see breaking up as the way forward
This is such a red herring. What he is saying is that he felt trapped and telling you that he felt trapped is making him feel liberated.

It sounds like his problem is that he feels he isn't himself in his current life. It's not you, indeed, he loves you, but he isn't happy with the cords around him that comes with it. He isn't prepared to commit to anything that could end up 'for life'.

I'm so sorry but there is nothing you can do. The only way it could work was for him to experience missing all what he's got currently and realise that by focusing on what he was missing out on, he was taking what he had for granted.

category12 · 06/04/2018 07:52

You need to do the strong thing and not share a bed with and cuddle someone who has just broken up with you.

He needs to feel the chill of his decision - don't let him salve his conscience with cuddles and acting like nothing has changed. Don't degrade and devalue yourself by being someone he can pick up and put down as he pleases, because he won't value you if he can treat you like dirt and you come back for more.

mummmy2017 · 06/04/2018 08:58

Listen to that song you anint get over him while your under him...

user1494409994 · 06/04/2018 09:18

Let him go. Life is hard enough without having to be the adult for both of you. It's only going to get worse.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 06/04/2018 09:41

Great advice from everyone here.

Make yourself strong OP. Be brave and put yourself first.

And FlowersGinfor you.

Original poster
FeelingSad2018 · 06/04/2018 11:21

That’s great advice from you all, thank you so much. We’re still going to spend today out together as planned, then he’s away over the weekend, so we’re going to have a proper talk on Monday.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/04/2018 11:23

That's insane. he's dropped a nuclear bomb into your relationship and you're pootling off together as if nothing's happened?

Original poster
FeelingSad2018 · 06/04/2018 11:27

@category12 You’re completely right, that is what’s happening. This morning has been like nothing happened last night. So I’m burying my head in the sand until our “talk” on Monday. I feel that it’s the only way I can get through this.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 06/04/2018 11:27

Way too much trouble in such a young relationship. Let him go.

mummmy2017 · 06/04/2018 11:31

Spend the weekend making plans for you... places to go , things you want yo do

KarmaStar · 06/04/2018 11:32

OP you're thanking people for their advice,then throwing it back in their faces by going off for a weekend with him.
He has finished with you.Have some self respect and move on.

HollowTalk · 06/04/2018 11:35

I'm afraid I feel quite sorry for him. I'm more sorry for you, because you love him, but he's what, 25? He's not living near his friends, he's made redundant, he's worried about being an adult (this is common in young men this age, I think) and you're talking about marriage and kids... It must seem like his future's all written, but he feels too young for it.

I'd let him go. He's clearly not ready for adult life and you are. I don't blame him for that - you are simply at very different stages in your life.

category12 · 06/04/2018 11:40

You do what you feel you can cope with, OP Flowers. You're not throwing the advice back in our faces, you just get through the best you can. During the weekend you'll have time to think.

bluebeck · 06/04/2018 11:45

I agree with trojan

Stop thinking about him and what is going on in his mind/what he wants.

Start thinking about you. What do you want? How can you get where you want to be?

If he really doesn't feel the same any more then of course you should split. It's sad but all relationships come to an end one way or another. It's good you have time over the weekend to get your thoughts straight. Do you want to stay in your home or do you want to leave? Do you have joint assets or joint debts?

Is there anyone you can talk to in RL about the situation? Flowers

yetmorecrap · 06/04/2018 13:04

I think the specials song ‘done too much, much too young’ comes to mind. By 23 I was married with 2 kids, had spent most of my late teens saving for deposits and fridge freezers etc . By 27 I was profoundly domesticated out. Felt 50! I ended up divorcing at 28. I think a lot of women want the ‘family thing’ from early 20s onwards, it’s probably natures way, but many men simply want to go on holidays, go out with mates, have fun etc and trying to tie them into a domestic scene simply freaks them out, it’s not always the case, but I’ve seen it happen a lot. I think you should back off, say you totally understand but would very much like to stay friends(no sex) , see how it goes and take it from there, in my experience they will either go with that and keep the contact there or if within 3 weeks you get no contact etc, you will know he was never that bothered I’m afraid or had eyes on someone else too

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 13:23

It sounds like you're a young couple. Much too young to be dealing with this wishy washyness.

Start looking at the practical aspects of breaking up

Like living arrangements rent...bills etc

While you're still under the same roof ... you need to start living as single. Go out ..socialise...be civil...don't talk about your future with him.

Stay strong...no begging... pleading or anything like that.

Butterymuffin · 06/04/2018 13:28

Arrange to see friends and go out and do things over the weekend. Keep busy. When you have the talk tell him he's right and you need to make a life for yourself, and get on and do it. Either way is a win win - either he will realise what he's losing, or you'll get used to the idea of a better life without him.

Original poster
FeelingSad2018 · 06/04/2018 18:51

I’ve not gone off for the weekend with him, just the day. He’s away with his friends for the weekend.

We don’t have any joint finances to sort out. I own the house and he pays rent (equivalent to less than half the interest on the mortgage) plus 50% of bills.

We’ve had a bit of a chat today and are going to have a proper talk on Monday(once I’ve had time to let this sink in) he’s also going back to the doctors to discuss restarting antidepressants, then he’s going to stay with friends for a few weeks to think about what he wants/put some space between us. Then we’ll have a conversation about what both of us want to do.

Hopefully that’s a good plan. I’m going round to my friends later to talk to her.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 06/04/2018 20:46

I am going to be bold, not to be unkind but to try and spare you pain.
This is a lousy plan, you are giving him all the power and this will end badly.

All this he’s going to work out what he wants then “we’ll” have a conversation about what “both of us” want to do is a load of crap...

What’s actually about to happen is he is going to stay with friends for a few weeks, string it out while you feel completely fucking sick to the pit of your stomach and hang on to every crumb of affection he deigns to drop your way.
He’ll cogitate and think about what he wants... tell you what he wants... so he can then go and do what he wants and you’ll be left standing there like a lemon wondering what the fuck just happened.

I am not saying this to be a dream crusher but as someone who has been there. the waiting is agony. I found the sick feeling just unbearable. I couldn’t concentrate at work, I couldn’t sleep, I would burst into tears at random intervals it was utter hell and so soul destroying.

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